This is only my 4th day not drinking after I visited "HELL" on Sun. Last Sun morning the Police came into my bedroom about 11am while I was still in the bed, after I just got to sleep at 9am. I they took me outside the house to question me because my Girlfriend/6 year old Daugthers Mom called them, because she said she could not take it anymore after a full night of both me and her drinking. I won't say what happened but I Did Not hit or abuse her or anyone in the house. I was detained outside for 3 hours, my 6 year old was upset, my 91 year old Mom that I take care of that lives with me was upset, and my Girlfriend said she could not take it anymore, so she had called the police to the house.
They read me my rights and was about the arrest me and take me to jail, and her Mom that she called out of state told her to let it go, and not press charges. This was a miracle from God because they were going to take me to jail and they let me go. She left with them to go to a shelter.
I was so confused, hurt, and ashamed that I did not know what to do. Someone close to me that I talked to later that day told me again that I drank to much all the time and I listened for the very 1st time in my life.
On Monday I got up and called AA to find a meeting. Two member called me back and I went at 8pm Mon night to my 1st AA meeting. I got a Sponsor, and he took me to another meeting at other location also Tue & Wed. Today ( Thru) he called about a 12 noon meeting and I ducked it off and committed to go later to a different one later that eve.
OK I'll get to the"Point" as the eve came around to the meeting time I went back and fourth about going. I felt very depresses and felt as if the meeting might depress me more. I can't drive right now, and I missed my sponsors call to pick me up for the meeting. Suddenly I realized that maybe I should have gone and called him back. He did not answer and as I looked at the clock I figured he was most likley already in the meeting and that it had already started and I F_ _ _ ed UP already not listening again.
I sat down and thought to myself and regreted Not going, and thinking, I just let the devil get to me and how stupid I was for not going. By the time I was sitting there getting more depressed by myself, hurt, missing my Family and child so bad, the phome rang. I rushed to answer the phone hoping that it might be my Girlfriend and my 6year old ( I have not heard from them since the Sunday incident) . It was not them but my sponsor saying he was on the way to get me for the meeting. I was very confused, but it turns out that I gotten the time mixed up, and the meeting and time he was going to pick me up was actually later than I thought.
We got to the meeting early, stayed late and it was the "Best Meeting" I have been to yet. When we came home, he asked me if I had read the 1st step he suggested I read yesterday, and I admitted I had not because I was tired. He said thats Ok, rest is important, but advised me to read it as soon as I could. I read the 1st step tonight.
Thank you members for understanding what our needs are, and being there to help me get through this. God knows what I would have done tonight even if I did not drink. if I had Not gone to that meeting tonight. Or what direction or path I would have gone tomorrow. I'm gonna let my sponsor help get me throught this by putting in the effort on my part. God what if I had NO help at all or no AA. Sorry for such a long post. I'll be working a little harder on day 5. Alot harder.
-- Edited by midregal on Friday 4th of November 2011 12:53:32 AM
Welcome to the board Midregal. Sounds like you are making great progress and the really good news is that you have found a sponsor who has lead you straight to the steps. That is a wonderful blessing because lasting sobriety is found by taking the 12 steps. More good news- you need never drink again. Keep us posted, we'll support you all the way. God bless, Mike H.
Welcome to "MIP". It was, by far, the best sober decision you could ever make Midregal. And one you'll never take for granted, ever again. The choice to call your sponsor probably saved your life, for today. The next and 0nly choice from here is to remain sober, via "AA". Believe me, it will be the best decision you'll ever make...for sure.
The say in "AA", "meeting makers make it" and rightfully so. The more meetings we attend, the greater our chances. That, my friend, is how we work the program. And believe me, it will get better. We promise.
So, until we meet again...stay safe, stay sober, and keep going to meetings. It's our lifeline...pure and simple. You're one step away from becoming the next miracle Midregal, and it all started for me 10 years ago via "AA". And I hope it will continue that way for you, each and every day.
~God Bless~
-- Edited by Mr_David on Friday 4th of November 2011 03:54:12 AM
Midregal, thanks for you message. You have started on the right path, continue to go to meetings and work with your sponsor. You thanked us for understanding your needs , we can do this because we have been where you are and understand that it can at times be a battle. I have been sober for many years and I enjoy newcomers in meetings because the help me to remember where I was at one time and what I have to do in order to not go back there.
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Tell me and I'll forget. Teach me and I'll remember. Involve me and I'll learn.
Welcome to MIP. Even those of us who have been sober for a long time don't "feel" like going to meetings sometimes. The key is just to remind yourself that it doesn't matter if you feel like going, if you are tired, if you think it will make you depressed, etc. -- just GO.
I always feel better after I go to a meeting, even if I really didn't want to go.
Welcome Midregal. Your story sounds all to familiar. I've been in your shoes. It doesn't get any better drinking. It only gets woarse. It will get better by not drinking and working The Program of AA.
Your learning now that Alcoholism is more than not drinking. It's our emotional nature inside that makes us so uncomfortable that we feel only a drink, drug etc... can remedy. Then, we have a physical allergy once we take the first drink and the cycle continues. By working the entire Program of AA you'll have a Spiritual Awakening that changes you and those emotional short comings and the desire to drink is lifted.
You never have to feel this way again my friend. Stay in the life raft and enjoy what The AA Program has to offer. You won't be disappointed.
First of all, Thanks for all the uplifting responses. I have been so depressed about missing my Child and my Girlfriend. Ashamed of who I was, and shocked and worried about all the things I already have messed up bad, that I must accept and will Never be able to fix. And the worst is that there is still more comming because I was not taking care of things before they messed up, because I was drinking so much.
I had so many chances, and as always, I use them all up until there's no more left. Then when it's all messed up I start to wake up. What really hurts is seeing and hearing people who have gotten to the point that I am at, but before they lose the ones that they Love and Loved them in their lives. It took me to lose them to go running for help. It would have been so much better if I had run before I lost them for good. Man did they try to tell me, and did I keep getting chances, but I just would not listen. I just kept on saying, so what if I drink, I'm not bothering anybody, even though they were telling me that I acted like a diffrent person when I drank. Now am all alone and hurting really, really bad.
My last drink was Sun. This is so scary because It's like you have to be perfect at this Not Drinking, like 100%, and I have not fared well at things that I had to be perfect at. Went to another good AA meeting tonight. Well I made it without drinking to today Fri. I still feel a idiot. How could I have had so much Love from the ones I loved, and drank like I drank. But now have so little, lost the ones I love, and now try to stop and do something about it. It just does make any sense at all to me. None. I need all the help I can get, so please continue to post. Reading everyones comments has helped me. Thanks.
-- Edited by midregal on Saturday 5th of November 2011 01:32:44 AM
-- Edited by midregal on Saturday 5th of November 2011 01:37:05 AM
-- Edited by midregal on Saturday 5th of November 2011 01:41:21 AM
Welcome. Don't be too hard on yourself. You have a disease that you are trying to treat and that disease will put anything it can between you and your recovery. Cunning, baffling and powerful AA calls it, and it is, but with the 12 steps and the meetings you can not only lead a good sober life, but a better one than you can probably imagine.
I have been so depressed about missing my Child and my Girlfriend. Ashamed of who I was, and shocked and worried about all the things I already have messed up bad, that I must accept and will Never be able to fix.
Don't be so quick to say never. I lost my wife and kids. She hated me. Hated what I had done. Hated who I was. I never thought she'd so much as look at me again. That was a year and a week ago.
Yesterday I dropped my kids at her place after spending a wonderful week with them and I stayed and chatted and laughed with her for three hours. She told me she forgave me totally. Sure there is still work to be done but I'll get to where ever I need to be if I keep doing what I'm doing. I have a new job, my licence back, my self respect, my dignity and I am happy. Best of all it will keep getting better.
If you told me all that a year ago I would have laughed. Actually they pretty much did tell me that and I did laugh but here I am. It's a wonderful program. All you have to lose is misery and bad habits and you can gain real freedom and joy.
Thanks for keeping me sober and keep coming back. :)
Thanks for sharing with us Midregal, what you are saying is making perfect sense to me and it sounds like you are well on with step 1. When you talk about being perfect at this non drinking thing, the word perfect doesn't really fit- we either have a drink or we don't. Our real problem is that we have lost the power to make that choice and, as you will have heard in the meetings, no real alcoholic ever recovers control. It is so important with the first step to completely concede defeat, to full accept that we are alcoholic and cannot manage our own lives. "The delusion that we are like other people or presently may be, has to be smashed" There must be absolutely no reservation, no lingering thought that oneday we might be able to drink like normal folk. This step doesn't so much require action as it does acceptance, and from your post you have near perfect grounds to accept it. You only need three things to succeed in this programme, honesty, openmindedness, and willingness. If you can honestly say that you accpet that you are powerless over alcohol and your life has become unmanageable, without any reservation, then congratulations you have taken step 1. In my case steps one and two were no brainers - I had no money, no job, no family, no friends, all my possessions in two plastic rubbish bags. I was hearing things, I had malnutrition, I had reduced my IQ to about my shoe size, I could barely speak. I thought I was hopeless case, but if there was a solution it might be found in AA. I was too stupid/ignorant to challenge the programme, to argue about what was suggested. Some of it looked a bit daunting - beyond my ability and understanding, but I had acquired the necessary honesty, openmindedness, and a very large helping of willingness, so I stupidly did whatever was suggested, that is to say I took the steps, all 12 in fairly short order, and began, very imperecftly to try and practice those principles in all my affairs, and it worked. That was over 30 years ago and I aint had a drink since. If it can work for me it can work for you too.
Let me say thanks to all who have both read and responded. The responses I have gotten from you all mean so much to me. Not one time unlike all the other things in my life has there been any thing negitive said or have I been come down on. Each time I come here to this thread I carefully read each and every post over again.
Well my sponsor took me to another meeting this morning. On the way my Girlfriend and child finally called in the car. I breifly told her I have not drank since Last Sun, and first thing out her mouth was that I was lying. My sponser talk to her and told her it was true.
We talked for a few and I told her I needed to go into the meeeting. As I went in for a few my mind was on that conversation. But not for long. I was at a new AA meeting place I had never been before. I listen closely to what all were saying. When it was quite I still did not talk. I just listened. At the end there was complete quite and I spoke up. Seems as if every single person that spoke, (and everyone did), there was something that related to my situation, and not about drinking. Just about their life experiences, both good and bad.
Well I decided to talk, and I told there my situation and how I was feeling, boy was it intense. I ended by saying that when I was drinking and Not going to AA that I could see now at this time that I am not drunk that I was not going to AA and drinking like crazy before. But now that I am going to AA, I am not drinking. This maybe that 1st thing that is clear to me, althought alot is still confusing. So I'm going to keep going to AA because so far I have not had a drink, and the next thing that I may be confused about is maybe gonna clear up. One day like you guys, I hope to still be saying this same thing and still going to AA and still not drinking. Thanks for any and all comments are a blessing from you all. Keep the post comming.
Keep each day as simple as possible while you are starting out midregal. The girlfriend and the kid are secondary to your just not drinking. I promise you everything will fall into place how God intends if you just keep going to those meetings, relating to your sponsor, and not drinking.
In my first week, I was told that if I did not drink on a given day, pat myself on the back before going to bed and forget about that day. Do whatever it takes to stay sober. If you want this bad enough, it will be yours.
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Well now I am at a point of lots of confusion. I'm not even having thoughts about drinking or craving at all. After my 1st day, I had no desire. My family maybe comming back but my 6 year olds Mom does not trust me at all. She has also been in meetings with abused Women who all talked with her about our relationship and how bad I was ( I Never Ever Hit Her or Abused Her, Never). She is still drinking but only lightly, beer only. Although she has been noticed drinking there , they are so hung up on abuse, they have failed to see the real problem she has. BTW she did call yesterday and today and I talked to her. For reference I was drinking 100 proof Vodka, chasing with 151 Rum straight or vise versa. Correction, WE. I was drinking way more than she was but we both built up a tolorance that was real strong and I Never stummbled, passed out, or was disgruntal or angry. This was why I would keep drinking and drinking all night long.
I feel like I have a situation that could turn bad.But Not because I could start drinking again. I am very determinded that I would rather die than drink, that never really was me. More of the problem is straightening out situations that I let go bad while I was drinking my problems away. Some are unrepairable, other I'm not sure exactly how or what to do. I know what everyone says about hope but, I almost feel like I may try start working on situations, that impossible because there is not a chance in hell of fixing because they went so far while I was drinking like crazy.
My 13 year old in another state is having problems in school ( grades) and her Mom is illresponsible and cluless. My 6 year old has been taken out of school that she loves and is confused, my 91 year old Mom is totally dependant on me, and my Daugthers Mom ( My Girlfriend that lived with me) needs care for Epilisply and is still drinking. All along I was drunk thru my 13 years old Girls failing grades, I failed to see that I should have been making better arrangements for Mom. And I admit that I increased my Girlfriends 1 or 2 beers only drinking to 3 beers + 7 to 10 very strong drinks or more + meds to a Alcoholic level so she still has the problem.
I'm gonna talk with my Sponsor tomorrow, pray very hard, go to as many meeting as I can, and the one thing everyone else that has bettered their condition has told me. I will continue to NOT drink. GOD help me.
-- Edited by midregal on Monday 7th of November 2011 01:25:25 AM
It's a bit early, but that feeling of impending doom was something I suffered a lot from in the early days. While it can't be fixed over night there is a process called the 12 steps which will fix all these things, in a logical order. I get the feeling that house cleaning is becoming a pressing issue for you, as it was for me, steps 4 through 9. Ask your sponsor to help you get started on step 4. There is no time to waste. From the Big Book p19 "the elimination of drinking is but a beginning. A much more important demonstration of our principles lies before us in our respective homes occupations and affairs." p64 "though our decision was a vital and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless AT ONCE followed by a strenuous effort to face , and to be rid of, the things in ourselves which had been blocking us". God bless, Mike H.
