I remember as my 16th birthday approached, I was telling my younger cousin (13) how much I was looking forward to getting my drivers license. He kept saying "why?". I said just think, I'll be able to go wherever I want to, whenever I want to. He said "Why? It's fun bein' a kid." I thought he was stupid.
When I look back on childhood, it *was* fun, although maybe I wasn't always experiencing it that way. The restrictions of not being a grownup chafed on me. I hated school. Work for nothing. I didn't object to the idea of working, I just wanted to get paid for it.
Everything kind of happened at once.. I turned 18, moved out of my parents house, went to college (briefly), started working, started drinking. Whenever I hear popular songs from that time period 1975-77 (77 was when I got my first private apartment all my own), it brings back a lot of feelings, and the one that is the strongest is the feeling of freedom. And drinking was a big part of that freedom. I was not yet 21, but when I did get there, even more freedom. Freedom to make my own money, drive my own car, eat what I wanted, stay out when I wanted, go to bed when I wanted... and drink when I wanted.
I think it's pretty ironic that I have such a strong association of freedom with drinking, because it was in those early years that I enslaved myself to alcohol. It seemed an equitable trade at the time... when you're young the price seems small in return for the release of fears, the buzz, the good times, and just that feeling of freedom... to drink.
When I went to my first AA meeting, I guess I was desperate enough to make that move... I could see alcohol had taken over my life to the point that I didn't enjoy anything else. I did still enjoy my drinking, but I didn't enjoy anything else - assuming I got around to anything else, at least during my non-work hours. I also was resigned to my fate of giving up my "freedom", and that I'd return to that childish state of being told what to do, not allowed to drink. My life revolved around alcohol to the extent that I couldn't see it was preventing the very freedom that I cherished.
I was also surprised that when I did enter this childlike state, in my first few weeks of sobriety, I welcomed it. There was some fear, sure... but the feeling that life's mysteries were yet to be discovered and experienced returned quickly, and I felt joy - an unexpected joy - at having the chance to grow up all over again. Drinking had replaced all of that when I was 18. Alcohol was the answer to the mystery of life, and having discovered it, I lost my sense of wonder. Getting that back - at such an early point in sobriety - is probably the closest thing I've had to a "white light" spiritual experience. Without it, I would probably not have stayed, in spite of my resolve to become stupid, boring, glum, and forsaking my freedom to drink.
Hey Barisax,,yes that childhood feeling,I can remember SOME GREAT TIMES in childhood, but I was pretty confirmed alcoholic at 12 (probably before, but my first poisoning,blackout ,out of school for a week and in ice cube tubes,(that was moms/dads remedy in 1959.)After that everything really revolved around getting and using ,live to use and used to live,a progressively downhill ride....... Just the other day I was thinking,I have been either in active addiction or active recovery for probably 52 of my 64 years of life..By God's grace I have returned to that childhood frame of mind and heart through sobriety in all areas of active drug use and working DAILY in the rest of areas THAT our illness affects.I like being a kid and a man, .....truly grateful there is some kid left in me......... and blessed..
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Yea Mike you and me both. I started drinking regularly at 8, heavily (and doing drugs) by 12 or 13. At 15 I was bought a car (no drivers license, no tags) and was putting 30 paper tags on it that I picked up at my the car dealer where my best friend worked. A typical weekend night at 16 was a quart of jack daniels and a 12 pack of beer and whatever drugs I could get ahold of. It was right about that time that my mother got her 1 year medallion. How she got and stayed sober through my drinking and drugging mystifies me.
