Morning all! Want to throw something out there. I have joyfully been in the program for almost 4 years. My dear boyfriend quit the madness at the same time as me. I was in trouble with the law so was forced into early retirement of my drinking career. Lol not so early since I drank for 30 plus years. But by the grace of God I found AA and have never looked back. When I first started to go to AA my boyfriend went to meeting with me and I saw alot of personnel growth. He read the daily reflections daily and was really loving life. He is a huge runner and at times I think its his higher power. Long story short......He does not go to meetings and I asked if he has been doing his reading and he said no. And does it ever show. I see so much selfishness in him. Tolerance is short at times. Now It makes me wonder am I picking on him because I think I know it all or what. I try to stay out of it but his actions lately get me grouchy and I myself become intollerant and its not a quality I like. I pray that I do the right thing. I just saw so much growth when he was learning but now his arrogance really gets me. Not attractive at all. Sometimes he acts like he knows all there is to know about addiction and that some people are just stupid. Which burns me because I feel he has no idea due to the fact he doesnt go to meetings. I know I have to just worry about my program and not his but would like to hear from other people in relationships with people who are not in the program. Thanks in advace and everyone have a great day. Get outside and enjoy nature if only for a minute.
I think you need to hear more from folks who are with people who ARE in the program. He is an admitted alcoholic right? I have chosen to stay out of relationships with others in the program although the little codependent in me would love to go to meetings together with someone and be the little AA poster couple... The reality is that being in a relationship with another alcholic (recovering or not) would be MORE complicated and it would force daily Alanon issues on me to be worked out. I think that is what you are confronted with here. It is the need for a whole nother skills set in dealing with your program versus your relationship. One is AA and the other is Alanon. It might be something to look into. Confusing. I'm thinking other's might have better feedback than me.
Mark
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Thanks Mark. Very helpful. I should look into al-anon for myself. I dont want him to go to my meetings at all.......just makes me a bit crazy that he doesnt work hard to go and get more help for himself. As I was running this morning I came to a thought. Our relationship is starting to act like when we were drinking. There is no drinking going on so bingo .... Alcoholism is a thinking disease. lol I found I am getting resentful... Seems like I am the one who is getting help and he walks around like he is just fine. I also saw how I always try to make situations happen so no one will get up set or have to go out of their way. Trying to make life easy for everyone and who gets pissed ME. HA HA I think I am the poster child for Al anon except im not that special. Thanks for your comments Mark as always helpful. Looking into an Al anon meeting for this week!
Whether non-alcoholics or alcoholics, people applying a conscious, effective, spiritually-based program of growth and change are my preference for including in my personal life. I need to keep a reasonable protective "buffer" between my sobriety and those who are a threat to it, regardless of how much I like them or how hard they may or may not be trying to improve their own lot in life. I won't .survive this disease long enough to die sober if I put anything or anyone ahead of working and living my steps...being "judgemental" in the true sense of the word (critical discernment, seeking truth/reality (not distorted by wishful, resentful or apologetic emotional reactions) is not a bad thing.
ROFL - my dear wife is in the program and I absolutly go nuts when I listen to some of the stuff she comes up with. And she's quick to tell me that if she worked my half assed program she would of been drunk years ago.
People remind me sometimes (about her and others) that when I'm pointing a finger at someone, there are 3 fingers pointing back at me. 'If you spot it, you got it Rich'.
OK this is a post where I really feel for you. I married my drinking partner and we did not see the light as far as the drink goes at the same time. I've learned that whether my partner was in recovery or not, there are challenges. My husband came to me a few months back and told me he recognized that he has a drinking problem. At first he said he wanted to try what I saw as the classic "drinking experiements" mention in detail in BB as a way to futilely control the consumption. That lasted all of a week or so. Now he either thinks everything is fine, or does't care. I stay out of talks involving this topic unless he brings it up to me, which is just about never.
So, I've learned that I am powerless over alcohol, that includes my drinking and anyone else's. In my case, up to now I've able to stay sober and continue to grow despite the drinker in my home life. I don't know if it'd be better if he was in recovery. I'm not in charge of anyone else's recovery either. I think it would be a challenge to be around a dry drunk. I prefer my husband drinking vs. sober and sullen on the couch without recovery. I would struggle with the same issues of him doing it (AA) good enough and on and on. Al-Anon has helped with these sorts of things and I guess this is my direct answer to your post.
Mostly I want to express that I relate how hard relationships are, especially with an alcoholic. I know I'm powerles over his drinking and yet again, just a week or so ago, he came home super late trashed having drove and with our baby, the dog, in the car. This was nothing new, he does it whether he wants to or not. For some reason I was all worked up and had to silently leave the house outside in order not to react.
I'm still newer to recovery and all the time I learn that my way of relating to people is distorted and that I will benefit from a lot of growth still. The more I work, keeping in mind AA and Al-Anon principles it's been somewhat easier to live together. I do have a ring on my finger, and am committed better or worse. The relationship is not violent. Mostly, I've asked for the guidance of my HP and when I thought of leaving cause many times I have, I feel like I get "no, not now" answer, pretty darn clearly.
The most important thing is that my sobriety comes first. With out that, I have nothing. So if something shifts and get crazy-I'm gone. At the same time, I realize that at some point my leaving may be a part of his bottom.
Hope this helps, thank you for getting me to let it out.
Very interesting topic. I have been married 13 years. My wife has been in AA about 25 years. She was sober the 1st 9 years of marrage, was back and forth for a couple years, now has 3 years sober.
I know it can be very trying stuff, I never imagined going through any of this, but things are pretty good today.
I tend to agree with Rich, You mentioned your being grouchie and intolerant. When we get ourselves right, others and all the crap in the world doesn't bother us so much.
I did make efforts to get my wife back to meetings by inviting her to eating events, dates with other AA couples and having some people call her etc. I assume you mentioned you would like him to return to meetings?
Always best for me to work on my side of the street, take some action and do my best, but don't have expectaions on the results.
Hope this can help,
Rob
-- Edited by Rob84 on Monday 24th of October 2011 09:43:23 PM
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
Thanks Rob....As I read these post and since I have had a day or two to sit and think I realize my only responsibility is my own sobriety. I cant run his life, program or his truck. lol he wont let me drive it. But like you pointed out .... me being grouchy and intolerant are my problem and like you say when I have my program down things dont bother me. I have seen now how it has been me the whole time with the problem. lol you hear it all the time just sometimes your alcoholic brain goes back into blame mode and you start pointing fingers whew!. I know 3 more were pointing back at me. Ok....with all your help I am back up dusting my self off and ready to take a deep breath and let God do what I cant. Getting outta the way as they say. Everyone have a blessed day and get out and enjoy the outdoors if you can!
Yes we are responsible for our own recoveries.My situation is a little different but it is also dealing with anothers addiction and indifference to program...,My 25 year old son you have heard me share of his 7 long years of Heroin addiction and the torment,nightmare and heart and spirit breaking scenario my wife and I lived thru for many of those years. I am an avid member of Naranon(no implied endorsement here,its what I do ) similar to Al-Anon only drug related,for almost 5 years.Though I wear hats from both sides of the coin I had to learn again to "detach with love"During training for qualifying for Boston Marathon some of those obsessive/compulsive behaviors I always have really reared there heads.Just as I use to speak with my son(who is now not actively using Heroin )but on a Methadone Maintenance program for over a year 140mgs a day I personaly do not believe in substitution but again "we" are responsible for our own recoveries.I can live my life remaining God centered,applying spiritual principles in all my affairs and allowing others their own process.If it became a threat to my own recovery I would need to make further adjustments.I also found honesty being totally the antidote for me.I have shared with my son prompting him to try a program.My life ,working my own process is what my message is. We have a loving relationship now,trust still has to be earned and though we always forgive we still remain vigilante. By sharing with your loved ones "this is what I am feeling " and not putting the onus on"well you .blah,blah(I AM NOTORIOUS FOR THAT) helps allow the significant other to maybe go inside a little deeper and relect ,maybe not, but bottom line is we can only carry the message not the substance abuser..Continue to pray,always be honest(with discernment,tolerance ,patience and even if he never surrenders to what we believe God can bring a communication that is positive for both of you.Would Al-Anon help ,I believe absolutely but our recoveries always come first(of course guided by your Higher Power.We are human,we all judge,we all take others inventory but by constant practice of our principles we get better a day at a time....Let us know how its going .peace
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Thanks for the topic. I can easily become judgmental as well, especially when I'm confronted with an uncertain dilemma, like sobriety. If the person I cared for was falling away, than I'd feel obligated to step in as well. Here's the thing though; I can only sober up for myself...not others. There are people in my immediate family who could use a good 12 step program themselves, but I'm not their mediator and neither is "AA". They do need a wakeup call indeed -just like I did, but only if their willing to make the call themselves, not me.
I know it's heartbreaking to see a person drift away from the program, especially if that program is meant to save their life. But inevitably it can happen. What I needed to experience for myself was a good old fashioned "***whopping" before I changed my perspective on drinking. I could only experience life without the drink after my denial was long gone. That took time and some patience, but it did happen...thanks be to God. And I hope it will happen for your other half as well, before too long.
My first wife left "AA' material all over the house as a reminder to change my ways. Well...guess what? It didn't work, and either did our marriage. My current spouse took a different approach...get sober or else. That approach did eventually work, even though I did it for myself this time not the marriage. Yes, I did love her and Yes, our marriage was important to me, but I had to "choose" sobriety above all else and that's what I needed to realize most of all. That, sobriety was my only option -if I was to re-create my life. Her love and our marriage did prove to be a turning point somehow, but the decision -once again- was my own, pure and simple. I had to reach the point of no return before I asked for help, and thank God I did. Because my life has not been the same ever since -thanks be to God, "AA" and of course...my wife. And that's what set me on the road to freedom...for today.
Don't give up on him, not just yet. There is still a chance for his recovery, even today. I'll pray for a breakthrough on his behalf with the hope of gaining another brother in the sober realms of recovery...for many years to come.
~God bless~
-- Edited by Mr_David on Saturday 29th of October 2011 01:31:21 AM
