I have dropped down to 2 meetings a week. I come here all the time and to the alanon board to though. I go to the alanon board mostly cuz there are even more stories of newcomers and their horrible bottoming out behaviors (granted they are told by their spouses) and that helps me "keep it green" as it were. Okay, so I'm 39 years old. I started this when I was 36. I went to 7 meeting a week for a long time. I now work out 4 times a week, work full time, take classes for licensure and am in a monogomous relationship for over a year also. The feedback I am getting from some in the program, and now my sponsor is that I am not giving anything to AA and am not going to enough meetings. I do know that AA gave me this life, and I intend to give back, but I am trying to be happy, joyous, and free also....not chained to meetings 7 days a week. I used to say "meeting makers make it" and I do understand this is true. If I cut down on any more meetings I am really risking it. Some times in meetings now I resent having to be there and am annoyed by hearing "the same old thing" 50 billion times.
I know the answers to my saying "I'm busy now" "You were never too busy to drink before right?" So annoying. I was never too busy to drink cuz I COULDN'T and wouldn't do all the things I am doing now. I was scared to go back to school, stuck in a crap relationship, in a crap job, 80 lbs overweight, and smoking 2 packs a day. I have changed ALL of that. Yet I feel like I'm getting a flunking grade in AA cuz of not going to enough meetings, having sponsees and not baking bundt cakes every week. Of the people I know that go to meetings daily, they are often single or go with partners, and most or all of their esteem or identity comes from AA. I am confused as to whether I am slipping here or whether I am the one who has actually recovered more than people who are dependent on 7 meetings a week and act like you don't belong if you go to less. I also highlighted what I do here on MIP daily and was told I should tell all you to get you asses to a meeting cuz sitting in front of a computer is not AA.
Is this post that different from the newcomer that came here a week ago? I kind of feel like I am saying the same things, but justify it with the fact that I DID GO to 7 meetings a week for like 2 years and got the foundation necessary to get sober. Some insights and ESH on how to handle my program with a busy life that I know AA and God's Mercy have given me would help. Did any of you have a period like this where you got busy and drifted from AA some and then got feedback that you were about to relapse from folks that all they do is go to meetings and sit on their asses and smoke all day afterwards? (okay thats an extreme example but it is sort of accurate). I feel like I did what they said "Change everything" and most folks really don't do that. I really changed everything and now it's not good enough. Trying to be true to myself, but I also know that in the beginning, if I didn't listen to old-timers and all the folks in AA with more time than me, I'd be dead now.
So yeah, I'm confused.
Mark
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Hey Mark,thanks for your honest sharing and believe me I am sure you are not unique in your thought pattern,I know for me I have definitely been there.For me ,meetings are manyfold, first I always support my Monday Night homegroup by showing up ,filling in different positions,part of our business meetings and still make coffee,serve as GSR and voluteer for all of our events(Speaker Jams,Fund Raisers,Speaker ETC)I also try and show up at others anniversaries(not everyone but many folks I have shared recovery with thru the years.When I am feeling "oh no not this story again!!!!I did deep to practice tolerance,patience,discernment and maybe I dont cosign a thing you said I do give you my utmost attention..I tend at these periods to go out of town, make new meetings,stay in close contact with other recovering people speak with my sponsor and pray,not in that particular order....5 principles I do everyday, First I get with God upon wakening(before I purt my feet on the ground)(3rd/11 step meditations,asking for forgiveness of myself and ability to forgive others) next get with my spiritual readings and meditations, I call or TRY TO be in contact with another recovering individual(I have many outlets for this(work,telephone,sponsees etc) next try and make a meeting in a positive frame of mind and then close the day with an inventory of how I thought I did today in my Higher Powers eyes.and pray for better results in God's grace....When I start drifting from these patterns I find myself getting off the wall.I place a ton of importance on "recovery at home" I cant be gone at meetings/conventions/speaking engagements,fund raisers/area etc every waking moment because even though my loved ones still know that my life working recovery is better any day than when In the grip(25 years) after awhile they see that IM STILL GONE'.I am very aware though that Complacency is the enemy of those with time in recovery(especially substantial time)For me,I know that though the progression of recovery is a continuous uphill journey and without effort we can easily start that slide down the hill again, but the real trip is the progress of the disease is ongoing even during abstinence..Our process is a balance (I know for me something I never had as it was always "all about me,no balance me first)meetings/application of spiritual principles in actions and behaviors of our lives,giving back what we were freely given and most of all being of maximum service to God(of our own understanding)and others.I can only suggest looking inside ,as you are ,share with your sponsor, seek your Higher Powers will and make decisions and let God handle the results.I have drifted from making immense amounts of meetings at periods of time,but I always am working principles in my life guided by and absolutely some days Im definitely better than others.Just For Today, THE MESSAGE IS STILL HOPE AND THE PROMISE OF FREEDOM FROM ACTIVE ADDICTION,guided by God and application of "all parts of our process"Peace brother,,thanks for sharing and reminding me Complaceny is the enemy of those with substial freedom from active addiction,I am never cured but I do recover ,one day at a time.We are responsible for our own recoveries and we have the program in print but unless there is application of what we know the struggle remains at the forfront.peace my brother(didnt mean for a diatribe,but I hear you loud and clear.......).......
-- Edited by mikef on Saturday 22nd of October 2011 10:52:48 AM
__________________
Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Aloha Pink...thanks for the trust and the experience and the humaness. Being human is one thing...being an alcoholic human is another. I was born both alcoholic and tuberculic. I've had to learn how to live differently than those who do not have those conditions...for me it is about disease and healthy living. When I don't practice my health insuring behavior I relapse..."go back toward" what it use to be like.
Your own experience and awareness is talking to you while you try to do something other than what you later learned from others. "You hate going back" and then what makes that hateful also is being aware while it is happening and resisting the solution...Sort of a definition of insanity huh?
AA is practice medicine...it is behavioral modification which includes changing how I thinking and understand how I feel. It is repetitious in that I practice it and then practice it with others I am fortunate to learn from and help learn at the same time. It is the best insurance for my believer. "I am alcoholic and if I don't practice my recovery I will attain the ultimate consequence of this disease untreated...its fatal and I'm no exception."
Soooo you're wide awake and your awareness systems are speaking to you and you are at choice time..."What are you going to do?" "If what you are doing in gaining you what you are getting (and you are concerned) change it (to what you know works) don't fight it...change it." "Humility is being teachable" (gift from a elder sponsor) its best to stay teachable, (what I've found out and what I now do).
Alcoholism isn't cureable...it can only be arrested by total abstinence.
(((((hugs)))))
Thanks for all of your help and support on both boards.
Hey Mark,thanks for your honest share. There are 5 principles I do everyday, First I get with God upon wakening(before I purt my feet on the ground)(3rd/11 step meditations,asking for forgiveness of myself and ability to forgive others) next get with my spiritual readings and meditations, I call or TRY TO be in contact with another recovering individual(I have many outlets for this(work,telephone,sponsees etc) next try and make a meeting in a positive frame of mind and then close the day with an inventory of how I thought I did today in my Higher Powers eyes. And pray for better results in God's grace....When I start drifting from these patterns I find myself getting off the wall.I place a ton of importance on "recovery at home" I cant be gone at every meeting/conventions/speaking engagements,fund raisers etc. every waking moment. My loved ones still know that my life working recovery is better any day than when In the grip(25 years) after awhile they're se how it benefited me and that's what matters most of all.I have drifted from making immense amounts of meetings at periods of time,but I always am working principles in my life guided by the same principles "AA" teaches. And absolutely some days Im definitely better than others.Just For Today, THE MESSAGE IS STILL HOPE AND THE PROMISE OF FREEDOM FROM ACTIVE ADDICTION,guided by God and AA"s application is always alive.Peace brother,,thanks for sharing and reminding me Complaceny is the enemy of those with substial freedom from active addiction,I am never cured but I do recover ,one day at a time.We are responsible for our own recoveries and we have the program in print but unless there is application of what we know the struggle remains at the forefront. Peace my brother.......
_______________________________________________
Amen Mike...That's working the program. Remember, the more you put into the program, the greater the results can be.
My sponsor suggests 3 meetings a week, and that's the minimum. I try to do more, but with work and family and all things in between I can only do so much. The rest is spent online and/or talking with others in my sober network. If we're actively pursuing sobriety like we did when we first came around, then sobriety is still our priority, regardless of my 3 meetings a week.
There is a fine line between working the program and not being invovled entirely. I do what I can, when I can, and the rest someone else needs to account for. I can't be all things to everyone, and I can only stretch my reserves so far before something has to give. And that's when the fellowship takes over. Remaining sober while maintaining some sort of balance makes everything worthwhile, and that's what I try to practice everyday. I hope this helps.
~God bless~
-- Edited by Mr_David on Saturday 22nd of October 2011 01:21:40 PM
I read your posts on both boards and am glad you're here.
I too get confused from time to time. And my attitude and practice of the A.A. program has had it's ups and downs.
When particulary confused I look at the two A.A. items I always carry with me.
The anniversary coin I carry states on the very top 'To Thine Own Self be True'.
I also carry a card in my wallet. It has the A.A. Preamble, the steps, traditions and the serenity prayer. Non of the text is highlighted to be more or less important. But when I pull it out my eyes seem to always be drawn to the 1st and last sentences of the preamble;
'... a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other ...'
'Our primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety.'
I've always had the attitude that while working a recovery program may become a way OF life and that's OK what is important for me is that working a program is a way TO life.
As one who is fairly new to sobriety, I still need the 7 meetings a week. One thing I can say is that over and over and over, the message I have heard from those who have had long term (years) of sobriety and gone back out, the one constant has been that they drifted away from one of the primary responsibilities of AA. They stopped working with other alcoholics who still suffer. And became one themselves again. The people who have what I want in my home group are those who have found the balance in their lives. They say they continue to come to AA, even after 20 -30 or more years, for the main reason of giving back what they were so freely given. Today I am blessed to be one of the recipients of their giving back, and for that I am truly grateful. Peace
-- Edited by nezyb on Saturday 22nd of October 2011 01:52:33 PM
__________________
I asked God for all things that I may enjoy life. He gave me life so that I may enjoy all things.
" I do know that AA gave me this life, and I intend to give back, but I am trying to be happy, joyous, and free also....not chained to meetings 7 days a week."
AA was never intended to become a substitute for living life out in the world. We can carry the message wherever we are. BB pg. 19 notes "None of us makes a sole vocation of this work, nor do we think its effectiveness would be increased if we did." Balance, balance, balance!! The BB uses the term "recovered", not "recovering", to emphasize that there is indeed "life after attaining sobriety".
I think some of it is developmental--some are able to move on (again, maintaining balance) and some are better off making AA their safe haven, helping newcomers from "inside" the program. After many years sober and in the program, I no longer explain, apologize, feel defensive, or otherwise even think too much about how many meetings I choose to go to or how I choose to work the 12 steps in my daily life. I grit my teeth also when I have had my fill of some of the knee-jerk rigidity of people taking other people's inventory because they don't do and say everything exactly the way they thought it ought to be said and done. Most of the time, the inventory-takers have not read any of the original AA literature, have no working knowledge of AA history, and have no awareness that sobriety is about a lot more than just knowing all sayings and rituals and going to every meeting in town every day. No growth, no change. No thanks!!
Thanks all. This was very useful feedback from all of you. I just got off the phone with my sponsor and heard it again about my poor meeting attendance. My inclination was to get upset and tell my sponsor to forget me getting any medallion at the end of the month cuz apparently I didn't go to enough meetings to earn it. He told me "If you are sober, then you earned it. Get off the cross Mary and just go to a meeting and call another alcoholic per day besides me." I guess I can do that even though my precious feelings got hurt by anyone saying I am less than perfect :)
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
i get the meeting thing. although i'm alot newer than you. my boyfriend landed a good sized painting job about two weeks ago, we are blessed to have gotten it, right in the nick of time--financially. being short handed, the first week we worked til dark and made only a couple meetings. then this week he had a serious accident. that left everything on me. i am extremely grateful i am able to be there for another human being these days. that i am able to step up to the plate when needed. that someone can count on me. not long ago i was not available to anybody for anything unless it had to do with what I needed. so this week no meetings have been attended by me, not even m.i.p.. i do not need anybody to tell me.......my conscious is telling me everything i need to know. i am feeling the strain of it. it's amazing how i can feel the weight of the world roll right off me when i walk into a meeting. no one has to say even a word. i know i'm home. i know i'm safe, and i know i'm where i belong. it's where i get my medicine. it's where i get my head screwed on straight. i am a better me and a happier me when i go regularly. and m.i.p. is the icing on the cake. thank you for sharing. now that i've contemplated it, put it in print, i know what i have to do. you help me!
__________________
****** Life only happens once, this is not a rehearsal!"
Hi Mark, When I came to AA it was total immersion for me. 90 in 90 and then 5 or more meetings a week for the first year or two. Why? I needed to do that to get sober and besides I had no other life. At some point however, balance has to come back into the picture. I came to AA in order to rejoin the human race, not to hide from it. For me it would be a problem if AA became my life in all respects - there's a whole world out there!
So gradually other areas of my life took on their normal proportions, work, social, family, spiritual, hobbies etc, all require appropriate attention and time, especially family. Also I have a slightly different view of the meetings these days. I go to one or two, maybe three meetings in a week and each time I go to see what I can contribute. If I can do something to help someone else, it adds something special to my day. I have also just finished a stint on our service ecntre committee and as GSR, and at the present I am the literature person for my home group and I am on the 12 step list. Occasionally I run a small steps workshop. I read the books and visit this site of course. I am also father, partner, employer, sponsor and sailor so life is very full. There is plenty going on other than meetings, although at one time I could not see there would be anything without booze. I have alsways like meetings and if I have some free time, partner out of town etc , I generally get along to a few extras. But I never forget that it was the steps, not the meetings, that brought about long term recovery.
God bless, Mike H.
-- Edited by Fyne Spirit on Saturday 22nd of October 2011 10:16:22 PM
My sponsor told me less than 3 meetings a week and she is outside the window looking in. I want to be in the middle of the herd, surrounded. Those that relapse and by grace make it back say they drifted after laspes in meeting attendance. Three a week seems to be the ticket for me. Yes, sometimes I go to less than three, and sometimes I go to more, to accompany a newcomer, support a sister telling her story in a formal lead, or some other reason. Recovery is too good to let it wither away.
Too many meetings and I become resentful. I have many outside responsibilities and today I'm grateful for the load. If I am feeling squirly, it's probably time to go to a meeting whether I feel I'll hear the same damn shares or not. The long-timers have been saying lately that they keep coming back, good or bad attitude in the pocket. I make one step study and I prefer to have at least one be a closed meeting. That way the shares tend to stay relevant to step work, which for me I hope never ends. I love hearing from long-timers how their perspective on step work changes as they grow through the sober years. This never gets old.
Pinky, I love you & I love your recovery. You to me have had the full immersion experience & come out anew. I believe in you & the things you do for yours & others recovery. I'm currently doing two meetings a week right now one in this fellowship & the other in CoDA. Both my solid home groups & around that I have a sponsee in each who I meet with weekly & I stay close to the literature. I pray everyday & spotcheck myself regularly. I'm quick to spot an opportunity for amends & I reach out daily to others in recovery. I send out the reflections & a meditation here & on MIP CoDA practically everyday. I catch up with my sponsor every few weeks & I live with a recovered alcoholic (who is Not my HP!)
These are my sobriety plates I spin to keep the rest of my life in orbit. I mentioned in my soberversary post how busy I am with everything else I'm able to pack into the stream of this life my sobriety has afforded me. I feel I am living my God's will for me & living to useful purpose. I carry this vision into all of my affairs. It is not meant just for A.A. I believe A.A. also wants me out there in the world practicing the 12steps in ALL my affairs, not just in the rooms of A.A. This fellowship is widespread & operates in many ways. It is written in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous that recovery happens whether face to face or modem to modem so INTERNET INTERACTION IS A.A.!!!!! I don't know what purist codswallop (sorry!) our mutual friends are on about but this is the 21st Century & recovery can happen as we share our experience, strength & hope.. WHEREVER 2 or 3 are gathered. I call that here, I see your service, Mark & I won't undersell it. Thank you for being here.
I used to hide in pubs. I don't need to hide out in A.A. rooms. It is meant to be a bridge to normal living. I see you living responsibly, Mark. You are a credit to A.A. & recovery. For the newcomer who comes in & despairs their life is over You Are a Powerful Message :) MIP truly is 24hrs a Day. I value your contribution. If you have time to enjoy the occasional meeting on top of what you're currently doing as a treat, I'm sure you'll find like I do how much a treat an extra meet can be to give us a buzz, feel our fellowship & of course share in the physical vibes of real-time live presence. I did that extra meet today for me & it was beautiful, I shared my joy there too. Despite how well I may be doing, it still helps me to carry the load somehow. God is here. Never alone again ;) Respects brother, Danielle x
__________________
Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
Glad all is well and you are living a full life. Your service work on the boards means a lot IMO.
As said, we don't get sober to hang out in AA rooms 24-7, but if we need to do that early on so be it, sobriety is always priority #1, without it none of the other stuff is possible. I went to mainly 2 meetings a week for a long time in my late 20's and 30's, dating, long work hours, buying and fixing houses etc.
I usually go to 3-4 now, mostly because I have a lot of sponcees now and the realization that I didn't give back like I should have for a long time.
I agree with Mike, the important thing is to have a homegroup have a service position/chair, get to the meeting early help set up etc. Stay in the "middle of the bed" at your group.
I would rather see someone go to 1 meeting a week and be heavy into service than go to 4 and just show up and drink the coffee.
__________________
Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
Thanks guys...even more valued responses. One thing that keeps me away from sponsoring is being a therapist and being afraid my boundaries would be too easily crossed. Also, there are times that I feel like I just don't want to hear anyone's problems and I would snap at some poor whiny sponsee (like I used to be and still am sometimes). I feel like they would be better served by a nice retired person with more time and life experience on their hands :) Essentially that describes my sponsor lol. (not that he has all the time in the world and that his time isn't as valuable as mine). Anyhow, I did used to have a service commitment at all times and it wouldn't hurt me to get a little bit more back to basics.
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
hey Mark - like you I didn't get sober to live in AA meetings, now i find i attend between 2 and 4 meetigns a week on a regular basis. A few months ago it was 7 or even 8 meetings a week, 'cos i needed them. I hold to the have a home group, make a commitment and attend regularly and frequently, have a step meeting and attend that regularly and frequently concept. after that, it's as and when for me. So my minimum is two meetings a week. but those two meetings are just about inviolate, I only don't attend if I'm out of area (due to work or holidays) and even then, when I'm away, I attend the meeting on the days and take my meetings with me. Service is important to me as is making a commitment. Service is also suiting up and showing up at a meeting. I stay in contact with my sponsor but sometimes it's by telephone only, sometimes face to face at teh meetings he regularly goes to. if i know I'm sharing at a particular meeting, I allus ask him along. Sometimes he comes. I make a point of talking to another recovering / recovered alcoholic every day in some way. this is what works for me.
__________________
It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
Hey Mark thanks for your honesty in sharing this. I too get the same thing sometimes, though not from my sponsor, who is a two meeting a week thirty-two years sober guy. I too have entered a phase where I'm not doing as many meetings a week as I used to. The key though, is that you, like me, keep going to meetings. I have no illusions about what's on the cards if I stop meetings entirely.
It's often said that AA is a bridge to normal living. I always like that phrase, b/c that is what AA has done for me.
I think that the key word is normal.
Normal living, at least to me, doesn't involve doing the same thing with the same non-related people seven days a week, unless maybe you live in an institution or a monastery.
Unfortunately, there are those in our wonderful fellowship who seem to think that you need to do a zillion meetings a week...or else. Not much of a normal living, in my view and it will certainly ruin relationships. For that matter, even in my time in, I've seen those types have a drink and not necessarily come back or live...I think that that Father Martin guy called it "dad stops going to the bar everyday and goes to meetings everyday instead -- we still never see dad."
Sounds like AA has let your cross that bridge. You're sober, your life is great -- enjoy it and enjoy showing to newcomers what sobriety can do.
