My name's Mike, I'm 28, and hit what's evidently known as a "high bottom" in terms of my drinking. I'm engaged to a beautiful, intelligent, supportive and succesful woman, and as for myself, I'm finishing up a Ph.D. that should net a fulfilling mid-to-low six figure salary within a year or so, but as of now, I'm a poor graduate student. I have a close and supportive family and friends that have offered their support in my "quest" for sobriety. So, thus, I should be pretty pleased with my life.
I'd been drinking the equivalent of a pint of hard booze every night for nearly a year, typically more on the weekends, and had built up to that level over the last 4 or so years. About a month ago, I learned that I couldn't stop drinking cold turkey without experiencing Delerium Tremens (shakes, elevated pulse and blood pressure, sweating, risk of heart attack or seizure, etc.). I went to my doctor, told them my story, and got on out-patient treatment with a prescription for benzodiazapenes. I got into AA, found a sponsor, got sober for 2 weeks, and relapsed on a whim with the belief that I wasn't a true alcoholic. That went as badly as expected. I informed my sponsor and fiance and both were disappointed, but stayed by me.
I've been clean for 2 weeks, going to nightly (and sometimes an additional daytime) meetings, reaching out (in meetings only) to other alcoholics, and calling my sponsor daily.
Here's my problem: I hate sobriety and my life, or poor excuse for a life, as a recovering alcoholic. All of my friends, to include my fiance, spend their time socializing in bars. I'm able to join, but feel completely removed from the situation as that weird guy drinking soda. I have nothing to talk about because all I do, and have time to do outside of work, is go to AA meetings, workout (a few times a week because it makes me feel better) talk to my sponsor, and talk to my family and my fiance's family about my sobriety and how I'm doing. I don't feel like I can relate to anyone and it seams as if I traded alcohol addiction for an addiction to the recovery process. I feel like I'd rather be a drunk with a life (at least a social one) than spend my life in church basements doing the 12 step shuffle with a bunch of drunks while drinking stale Folger's. I may have been a drunk, but I was at least a very socially and professionaly succesful one. Booze no longer made me feel good or on a high; it made me feel normal. I know I'm a drunk, but I hate my life sober. I see a psychiatrist, therapist, and am on anti-depressants (one I know works well for me, based on previous experience), but nothing in my life has gotten better (except my memory) since I stopped drinking.
My Saturday morning's are no longer spent lying in bed with my fiance, reminiscing about last night's escapades with our friends and planning on where to get a good brunch (that serves mimosas or blood mary's) with friends. Instead, I'm at an Alano Club Men's meeting at 8 am and then meeting with my sponsor in a coffee shop for an hour afterwards. My Sunday morning's are pretty much the same.
I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice or venting, but I'm just finding that I hate my sober life. What's possibly worse is that I know I can't go back to my drinking life because my family would essentially divorce me and my fiance would probably see me as a drunk on the downward slide and end up leaving me. I feel like I'm completely out of options and, if I could, I'd just prefer to either leave my current life and start over somewhere/anywhere else, or just press the reset button on it. Yes, I am suicidal and no, I don't have the guts to go through with it.
Well, this is the longest 1st post ever. If you've made it this far and feel like weighing-in or reflecting on your own experiences, feel free to. Thanks for reading.
Almost 12 months ago I found myself in AA with my life well and truly wrecked. I'd lost everything. I hated the world and I was pretty sure the world hated me. I couldn't see that I'd ever be happy again. I think the worst part of it all was those bloody happy AA members that kept telling me to sit down, listen and keep coming back because if I did things would not only get better but they would get better than anything I'd known.
What a bunch of brain washed, smug, deluded cultists, I thought. They just tell themselves that because they don't want to admit to themselves that sobriety sucks only marginally better than being a drunk.
Today I'll give you a couple of pieces of advice that are absolutely true:
If you keep drinking your life will get worse. It will not get better or even stay the same and you will not be able to control it.
And if you sit down, listen and keep coming back things will get better, and it will get better in ways you can't imagine. Work the program like your life depends on it (because it does) and the program will reward you so many times over. You will know inner piece and you will first like and then love yourself and your life.
It's not always easy because you will want to grab the steering wheel at times and things will get bumpy but if you keep your faith and work the steps you will see that you will get what you need - whatever that may be.
I wouldn't change one second of my life right now for ANYTHING. ANYTHING. I'm alive for the first time in my life and the world is a truly beautiful place.
Hey Mike ,Welcome to MIP....I can truly identify with you story ,life and dilemma.I only have my ESH to share and obviously don't give advice. You see for me,after 25 years of active addiction(12 years old ,remember first drunk blackout and alcohol poisoning)the Pain actually outweighed the Pleasure.There was no "white light " revelation after being in my third marriage and heading for my 3rd divorce,jails ,institutions,deriliction and only God's grace and mercy ,I didnt die,I was given one more shot to choose life or continue on to the same.Yes my early meetings were also very resentful from my point of view,I was mad cause I couldnt drink,"them People" were more strung out on AA then they were on alcohol,I wasnt ready to listen,didnt hear,,applied no part ouf our solution(the steps ,worked with a sponsor and application of ,daily and when my 1st sponsor died (3 years after) ,.I drifted aimlessly for years ,self sponsoring,being slowly, but day by day as sick as when I was using,The other parts of our illness ,the mental and spiritual were taking me down quickly.I knew I COULDNT DRINK BUT WHAT WAS THERE FOR ME.I PLAYED DRUMS IN A ROCKN ROLL BAND(STILL DO)All my "friends"(THE ONES WHO LET ME DRIVE MY CAR TOTALLY TWISTED AND LAUGHED ABOUT IT) that were still alive used and when I stopped it was the same,drinking club soda in a bar ,totally straight and wired and everyone TRIPPIN,no communication and feeling like I was on another planet..Maybe there was something in that "people .places and things statement "those people" were making??Nothing changed until I made that final emotional acceptance of utter defeat,an admisson and surrender and knew that I had to change or die.(for me)Today through God's grace and mercy,application of principles in my life guided by my Higher Power (your own choosing) and giving back to the best of my ability my life is better than I have ever known.I still fall way short daily,but I know as long as I dont pick I cant get high on any substance but I am High on My Higher Power and life in general(it rains a lot but I got a good umbrella:).I try and take it a day at a time,dont project (as best I can ) and am truly grateful.Yes it was a long road and though I am never cured ,I am recovered a day at a time...The options are available to you,you are searching and thats a great start.I truly wish you peace on your journey,,,Maybe for you the Pain will also outwiegh the pleasure and you will truly commit ,only you can come to that decison.In support and prayer.Keep coming back,no big I's or little U's up in here,just one ,reaching out to another in a loving and caring manner. Thanks for sharing your heart man,we can truly identify(keep it on me)peace man,,,,,,,,l
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
No one is going to tell you that getting sober is easy. Simple yes, easy no.
There IS life after alcohol. You do not have to substitute substance addiction for 12 step addiction.
I can tell you this - one of the things that's helped keep me sober over they years is the idea that I would not want to repeat the 1st year of getting sober over again. It starts out real bad and slowly gets better.
But hey, you sound like a real smart guy. If your bottom wasn't low enough go drink some more. Give it enough time and effort and you can make your bottom as low as you want.
If your bottom wasn't low enough go drink some more. Give it enough time and effort and you can make your bottom as low as you want.
The funny, or possibly unfortunate, part about that statement is that I've thought about that - seeing how low I can go before I see no choice but to stop drinking. That said, I know that if I do, I'll lose everything and likely end up much, much worse in terms of life status and addiction if I do.
Thanks for the advice, sharing, and support, everyone.
Growth and change is difficult. You are experiencing some growing pains and it will take some time for you to form a sober identity that you are comfortable with. You have to reach out and make sober friends and find ways to have fun sober. It is going to take stepping out of your comfort zone and trying some new things. During my first year sober, I did not go to bars and try to be the guy with the soda...that would be a recipe for disaster. At 3 years sober, I don't have a problem doing this because not drinking is my norm now and I don't much give a crap what others do.
I have been able to find joy in life without alcohol and that is a freedom I didn't have before. It will be yours if you continue to work for it.
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Hi Mike. YOu probably don't want to hear this, but time takes time. Of course your life isn't sunshine and roses at 2 weeks sober! I can tell you that I definately had to grieve the loss of my best friend alcohol when I first came in here. It is natural to feel miserable right now. Some people had the pink cloud experience, not me. I felt like my life was OVER when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous. What I have learned since is that I did not know what living really was. Today, I have 15 months sobriety, a family who loves, supports, and respects me, children who have a mother who can be present and give unconditional love, true friends, who love me no matter what- my old drinking pals only wanted me around when I was partying with them. I have learned how to love, how to give selflessly, and the miracle is....I WANT TO! I used to be so selfish that all I could think of was me, me, me. In my first meeting someone said, "The meaning of life is to serve others." F that!~ I did not want any part of that when I first got here. Today I have an attitude which reflects the authentic true self that my higher power wants me to be. I do what my sponsor suggests, I work the steps, I have a home group. I have service positions. I secretary and chair meetings. I pour coffee. I sponsor women. I have a faith today which brings me great inner peace, joy, and purpose. Listen carefully, my friend. The promises are absolutely true. Of course you don't see that yet, they are the 9th step promises and you are on step one. You don't get to nine until you work one through eight, in order.
I wish you all the best, Mike. Hang in there. It works if you work it, and eventually you will come to believe that you are worth it. PEACE! Heather
how low I can go before I see no choice but to stop
It's said that left untreated alcoholism ultimately leads to jail, institutions or death. When I first came around I thought this was just talk. From what I've witnessed (and my personal experiances) a problem of drinking again is the loss of control of how deep the next bottom will be and how long it takes to get there.
Hey Michael welcome to the board. I experienced the same feelings/situation/thoughts as you described in early sobriety. I found out that hanging out with my drinking buddies was depressing me. I was trying to lead a double life, so to speak, by attending meetings and keeping my drinking social life minus the booze. You're right, it doesn't get much worse than that, until the alcoholic goes out and drinks for awhile longer and, like you predict, loses more or all that he has. If your fiance isn't mature enough or doesn't understand that the last place for you to be, while trying to stay sober, is in a bar watching her drink, then you might want to either educate her or re-evaluate the relationship. I found that I had to get out of a marriage, after two years of trying to get sober, while my wife drank, almost daily, in front of me. Imagine if your fiance was just diagnosed with diabetes, and an addiction to sugar, and her life depended on abstaining from eating sugar. And all that all you wanted to do was hang out in desert bars and bring home candy/cakes ect... And after a few trips to the hospital, she decided that her life was in jeopardy if she stayed with you. Dont you think that sooner or later you (her fiance) would "get it"? It got down to that for me, and I had to bail from that relationship, in order to get and stay sober. Very shortly after that, I bailed on my drinking friends as well, and made new friends that didn't revolve around drinking, and have been sober ever since (a couple decades). Now I'm not saying that you need to dump your fiance, just saying that it is your responsibility to educate her (and your friends) how important it is for you to stay sober. Hopefully they will respect that and that you mater more than going out to bars constantly. Here's another idea, just stay home or get a couple of hobbies that don't revolve around drinking. I took up (or did a lot more of) motorcycle riding, scuba diving, snow skiing, hiking, camping, roller blading, mountain biking... Most of those activities can't be done while drinking. I was able to find real friends in the program, that I'm still doing all of those activities with, and found (and married) someone who doesn't drink and enjoys all that life has to offer. Drinking held me back from doing most of what I enjoy today, and it didn't take a phD to earn a six figure income, as a self employed business owner, but it did require me to stay sober, as I expect your career will as well. Ask yourself this, "how pathetic is my life if I cannot be happy without medicating myself on a daily basis. What is it about me that makes me feel so uncomfortable in my own skin, that I need to drink a pint of booze every day, just to feel ok?" Do you have have a "life problem" or and attitude problem? Maybe it's just what your brain is telling you, that is "the problem". You really haven't even scratched the surface of what makes you tick yet and your disease is screaming for you to run. Stick it out, make getting/staying sober your "primary purpose" and make import decisions based on whether they are taking you closer or further away from sobriety and your goals. Relationships are optional, staying sober, taking care of yourself, and having a career is not.
Sorry if this sounds patronizing, but after only a few weeks of sobriety, you have no *IDEA* what your life in sobriety is going to be like. You're just now stabilizing and allowing your brain chemistry to get back to normal. Stay sober, and after a year or so, THEN you can reassess with a sober mind where you're at. Everyone has trouble adjusting at the very beginning.... be patient.
Also, once I got comfortable in sobriety I didn't have a problem meeting friends in bars, etc. (most of my friends drink socially). The point is to talk and catch up, not get wasted. You'll build a sober network by meeting people in AA so you'll feel more free to cut back to a few meetings a week and have time for other things. 12-step work won't be so new, it will be part of your routine, so it will take up less of your brain space.
One additional point -- if early morning weekend meetings aren't your thing, why not go to different meetings at more convenient times? You couldn't pay me enough money to get up and go to an 8am morning on the weekend. You have to find the balance that works for you.
Congrats on your sobriety, and my main point here is that you are SO NEW, just let it sink in, stay sober for awhile, and you may see things in an entirely different light. Don't give up on a great support system for sobriety (AA) just because the newness of early sobriety can make things a bit muddled and you haven't quite figured out the best way to work within it yet.
Welcome to "MIP". I can relate to everything you said Mike, especially how discontented you feel. Those anxious feelings of "what to do next" can be a jumping off point for anybody in recovery, especially if they're new to the program. I guess what it really boils down to is our "wants and needs" and ultimately where our allegiance lies. Mine is with "AA" all the way...without question.
Yes...you are a young, ambitious, career minded person who wants to enjoy life like others do, but are caught in what is known as a strait betwixt two...wanting to drink, but needing so much more. And that's when we make the decision to either stay or go. I hope you make the right choice...for today.
There are two questions I need to ask myself before making that supreme sacrifice. One; is drinking that important? And two; what will I gain from that experience? To me the answers are clear..."No" and "nothing" on both counts. However, that's my perspective. You...only the other hand are young and probably still in denial, so proceed with caution. Your future life and love depends on that decision. Once again, the choice is up to you.
Remember, there is still life after the drink and more so...now that we're sober. The dreams that can ultimately define who we've become is still alive, as long as we decide our fate...now. I never have to ask the first question any longer, because I know all too well the repercussions drinking can cause. It would only make things worse, not better. This is what "AA" teaches undoubtedly, and only "AA"...not barroom theology. If you choose to remain in a sober state of mind, than I suggest you stay close to this fellowship. It can only benefit you in the long run...most assuredly.
I accepted my fate 10+ years ago by admitting the inevitable -my alcoholism and I practice my personal powerlessness by attending meetings. It's that simple. If you feel sobriety is not worth pursuing yourself, then so be it. The choice (once again) is inevitably up to you. The choice for me, however, is crystal clear, and the benefits outweigh the arguments...hands down. Basically, I've gained more out of life in sobriety than in my previous life... without question. That, my friend, is how I define success...pure and simple. I hope you can as well...one meeting at a time.
~God bless~
-- Edited by Mr_David on Friday 21st of October 2011 06:09:54 PM
Life is what you make it. In sobriety I have lost my job, did a short stint homeless, didn't get the girl and am presently living in a "sober house" where I am one of the few people that is sober and the guy across the street is doing curb sales of a white powerery substance that he doesn't seem to think of hiding from me and I'm frikking happy most of the time. I'm not drunk or spending what little dough I've got across the street. "Step over to the nearest barroom and try some controlled drinking" BB pg.31
Bottom is where you quit digging....it's different for all. I don't envy you as, at 40, I find it easier to pursue Sobriety than I would have in my late '20's-'30's for the exact reasons you mentioned. But even with that, I had to pick up a white chip yesterday. It only took me a week to go from having a drink to full blown winding up in a Frankfurt whorehouse, following 2 sketchy guys down back alleys looking to score blow and losing $400-$500 in the process (exchange rate...still trying to figure out). In other words, I was back to blacking out and doing stupid sh!t to get myself in situations all while chasing the "epic" spree drunk. It doesn't get better, it only gets worse....so I guess you need to ask yourself what brought you to AA to begin with...and your answer will only increase the longer you go out in the cold or stay out in the cold. Give yourself & AA some time....
Only difference between a high bottom drunk and a low bottom drunk is that one throws up and the other one pukes.
High or low bottom doesn't matter. Education or lack of it doesn't matter. Good looks, or not so good looks, job or no job, car, or no car. Wife or no wife, none of it matters.
What matters is a persons attitude ...
Welcome to MIP - and a really good life in AA if you so choose to do the work.
All I hear out of your long winded part is, "if I don't stop my family will divorce me and my fiance will leave me."
Go find a family that accepts your drinking... There are plenty of rock bottom homeless or in the trailer parks that will take in a potential high salary sugar daddy up to the point when you loose it all!
Do that or figure out that you really need to do this for you rather than for others.
Also, if your fiance is willing leave you if you drink and don't go to AA... Maybe she pertains to your insane life as a drink and needs to go... I'm just saying... Sorry about being so harsh but someone was to me and I thank God for them every day!
High or low bottom doesn't matter. Education or lack of it doesn't matter. Good looks, or not so good looks, job or no job, car, or no car. Wife or no wife, none of it matters.
What matters is a persons attitude ...
Welcome to MIP - and a really good life in AA if you so choose to do the work.
I guess I can relate to what HC said so much because I considered myself a "high bottom drunk" a few months ago when I first came to AA. Honestly, I didn't even think I was an alcoholic, just someone who needed to learn how to control my drinking. I could sit in a meeting and pick apart what people shared until I convinced myself that I was different than they were and maybe I didn't have a problem after all. I still had my house, my car, my marriage(although it was barely hanging on by a thread), my kids....you get the idea. And besides, how was I ever going to have fun in my life again if I couldn't drink? So I did some more research and the results were exactly the same.... Of the many things I had not yet given away in my life, I had given away the most important one of all..myself. I had no sense of who I was. I was full of guilt, shame, remorse. I had no hope. Why bother????
I am happy to say that since I decided to look for the similarities instead of the differences, my life began to change. I am on a spiritual journey of discovering who I am and what I stand for. It still boggles me that I had to come to AA to be set upon this path, but let me tell you, I wouldn't trade my life today for anything, especially not a drink or any other mood or mind altering chemical.
And you can have fun as a sober person. I just returned from a family vacation that I was dreading , as it was my first in sobriety and it involved a wedding, a very big drinking affair in my family. I had the time of my life, one of the best vacations I have had ever, and I was 100% present, clean and sober.
I agree with HC, what matters most is our attitude.
Hope you decide to stick around and find what AA and sobriety have to offer. If you give it a chance, an honest and open exploration, I'll bet you'll be amazed.
Welcome to MIP. Peace.
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I asked God for all things that I may enjoy life. He gave me life so that I may enjoy all things.
Aloha lofq...I am always sooo impressed when recovering alcoholics come to the aid and support of those who reach out for it. Like the AA declaration reads....When anyone anywhere reaches out for help I wan't the hand of AA to always be there and for that I am responsible. Plenty fellows here interested in you getting what they have. Solid sobriety is solid. No fear, no questions and no doubts...stay the program and don't think or drink. (my experiences) For me I was done when I got into program and didn't know why I was in program. I blamed a "she" I was married to who couldn't stay sober on a bet and who was chasing my drinking. I was hoping she would be able to drink like me and if she reached that level she would not have survived it.
My life was miserable and I had no clue why and sometime later a member of the fellowship in the "other" room suggested that I part from everything alcohol and I did including my family, wife and most all of my friends. I was past the insanity level of the disease and right on the fatal platform...just looking for a place to lay down and hold my breath for the required amount of time.
You're not addicted to AA you're missing your drugs of choice. You've got a life and don't know if it is the one you really want. You have not yet separated yourself from all things alcohol. What I was taught and it was just for me...if I continued to hang around with those I drank with at times I drank with them and in places I drank there also; I would still be dabbling, flirting with the disease of alcoholism as it is described in the Big Book and in the fellowship. The consequences are all mine because ..."I am responsible."
When the trade is finalized you will know it. (((hugs)))
