So my wife has started making noises that she would like us to get back together again. Good, huh? I get to re-unite with my family and show them I can be the father and husband that they deserve.
BUT
During the split I have fallen in love with a girl I have known for several years. She is a really nice girl who went through a pretty nasty marriage breakup a couple of years ago and I'm her first boyfriend since.
I still love my wife although trust and respect have taken a beating for both of us, and I love my girlfriend. To choose one will hurt the other. If rebuilding the marriage is a viable option then I will choose that because I owe it to my children not to be a weekend dad if I don't have to, but if no children were involved I would stay with my girlfriend because I'm a different person from the man that got married years ago, and we compliment each other so very well. I'm not entirely sure that the past will be so easy to repair with my wife and it will take some true forgiveness to ensure that it doesn't hang over our heads in the future.
Hmmmm. I'm not really asking advice, I think. I'm just sort of thinking aloud, and I'll have (at least) the southern summer to decide what I am going to do - that is, of course - if anything comes of the messages my wife is sending and I'm not discouraging.
I'll pray for guidence but mostly I'll pray that any hurt I am bound to cause no matter what I do is kept to a minimum.
I honestly never thought I'd be in the position of (possibly) having to choose between two woman. It's just not me at all.
Hi Frodo,thanks for sharing from your heart..I am certainly no Dr.Phil I have been married 3x and divorced 2x....but for me,honesty has become the main road I try and stay on. Do I sometimes choose to not say anything rather than be so ridgidly honest it becomes hurtful and non spiritual ,absolutely. Tolerance,discerment and discretion are all spiritual principles we can apply in different situations.For me,I would have to tell my previous wife my true feelings, she may assume that I am that same person and I am no longer. (as you stated) I would also tell my girlfriend(new love)so as not to have to cover any tracks(like the old days in active using, lying,deceiving etc(keeping it on me here)I have all I can do to remember the truth without trying to remember some deception I may have run...As always ,for me, prayer and getting with my God,intensely ,seeking Gods will helps me to "finally make a decision ,and leaving the results up to God)3rd step.I will lift you up in prayer,..WE are responsible for our own recoveries in all areas of our lives,It is said, "truth may set you free but it may first cause some pain"...In support and prayer, stay close to your Higher Power,.In support and prayer...peace
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Thanks Mike. It's scary and daunting but you are right. Honesty and fearlessness is the only answer. I've never been a brave person like that. I would rather pretend that the problem would go away but that was the old me, wasn't it? I think I knew the answer before I posted and your signature has confirmed it. I needed to see that.
If my memory serves me right, the Big Book suggests not making any big changes (if you have a choice) in relationships for a little while.
I had a pending divorce happening when starting in recovery. My sponser echoed the Big Book by suggesting that I avoid new 'relationships' for the 1st year. At my 1 year anniversary he said that in my case maybe I should wait 2 years.
Of course, I didn't listen and finding a new partner was a huge emmotional 'fix' for me. Everythings cool when the little head is happy! Helped put closure on the divorce and pretty much put my program on hold too until the new relationship went to shit.
Good luck. And whatever you decide - keep going to meetings.
Wow, that is a tough one but sure shows how the law of abundance works! Otherwise known as, "be careful what you pray for!" If you pray for love in your life, you may get more lovin' than you can handle! I think Rrib is right, you have a huge decision ahead of you...and I don't envy your position. I would strongly recommend praying and meditating, talking to your sponsor about this, and being completely, rigorously honest with both women.
Good luck to you! No matter what, keep doing the things that are working for you. Sobriety first! Best wishes, Heather
If my memory serves me right, the Big Book suggests not making any big changes (if you have a choice) in relationships for a little while.
Yeah, but I was different, see. That only applied to other people because I had the angles worked out and...
I've made my bed on that one and learnt that - once again - when I try and do things my way things get messy.
I went to a meeting tonight and after I was chatting to one of my friends about the issue. When I said I was worried that I would end up hurting one or the other of the girls she laughed and asked me why I thought I was so important. Heh. She was right. There is only one option and that is to do what is honestly right. The rest of the angsty stuff is window dressing for self imporantance and ego stoking.
So I must have faith that if I let go and let God then it will resolve itself in a way that satisfies everyones needs.
I don't think I'll ever lose that sense of wonder at just how complex I can make simple things by letting my "me" run things and just how simple the program can make complex things just by removing the "me".
Thanks for letting me muse out loud and for keeping me sober.
Wow, that is a tough one but sure shows how the law of abundance works! Otherwise known as, "be careful what you pray for!" If you pray for love in your life, you may get more lovin' than you can handle! I think Rrib is right, you have a huge decision ahead of you...and I don't envy your position. I would strongly recommend praying and meditating, talking to your sponsor about this, and being completely, rigorously honest with both women.
Good luck to you! No matter what, keep doing the things that are working for you. Sobriety first! Best wishes, Heather
To my mind, a core issue is whether or not you are is currently legally married. You say "your wife", so if there has not been a divorce, I'd ask what you are doing with a girlfriend, given such heavy-duty unfinished business?
And if you are a married man, then what about the values (or lack of) involved when a single woman knowingly hooks up with a married man? Of course, that does assume that you actually respect the marriage and the vows that were taken, for better or worse, until death do you part (excluding abuse, criminal activity, and the like, of course).
On the other hand, if you are currently legally divorced, then you no longer have a wife---you have a girlfriend, legitimately, and a maybe a new girlfriend-to-be who happens to be an ex-spouse. In that regard, if everyone is actually free and single, then both woman will have to decide if they are up for being in an emotional competition...and yeah, one of 'em is gonna get hurt, but it's on them and the choices they make. That is assuming the girlfriend is not a well-kept secret from the wife (or ex-wife.) That would be really nasty!!
Personally, I don't think "for the good of the children"--which is not assured just by not being a "weekend dad" is something to use as a deal-breaker. I can assure you, the kids already hurt and coming back is no guarantee of healing.
I am sorry if being blunt might be offensive-it is NOT meant to be--I know my buttons are getting pushed here--but having "been there, done that", maybe some blunt comments at the time would have helped me to slow down and do some soul-searching on the value of my marriage, or the necessity and rightness of divorce. "Love" can be very deceptive, especially in the context of unresolved emotional states. Marriage certainly complicates your situation, whereas divorce simplifies it, so maybe your actual status is a place to start for some self-evaluation in the context of maintaining sobriety, above all. Has anyone suggested some serious, diligent marital or relationship counseling????? Maybe that is work that needs to be done before picking one path or the other.
Hey Frodo, I don't think that you're wife should automatically be hurt by a decision not to re-unite. After all, it's over at this point. You make it sound like you're seeing them both, which I assume is not the case. If it were me, I'd think carefully. You're considering fixing something that is not broken, and it appears to be your x's feelings that you'd be attempting to fix. It's not likely that your x doesn't know about your girl friend. That said, this could be just an attempt at sabotage of your current relationship, that could land you with no relationship at all. You could go from 2 women "wanting" you to none. Follow your heart, the kids will be ok. Visitation is a wonderful thing.
To my mind, a core issue is whether or not you are is currently legally married. You say "your wife", so if there has not been a divorce, I'd ask what you are doing with a girlfriend, given such heavy-duty unfinished business?
And if you are a married man, then what about the values (or lack of) involved when a single woman knowingly hooks up with a married man? Of course, that does assume that you actually respect the marriage and the vows that were taken, for better or worse, until death do you part (excluding abuse, criminal activity, and the like, of course). _________________________________________
Leeu, there is such a thing as being "legally separated". In Virginia, where I got married, sober, and divorced, in that order, the State mandates a waiting period. It's 6 months or 12 months if children are involved from the time divorce papers are filed till the earlist divoce final decree. That said, do you expect people that are legally separated with no intentions of re-uniting to remain single while they are waiting on the court system? The reality is that marriages are over long before the court system says that they are, or before any papers are filed. Many are over before they started.
I agree...the problem wasn't with her or them it was me and so having been taught that and coming to believe it I need to get my self checked over for things that need fixing before I attach myself to someone who can be affected like the earlier one. Like Mikef (no relation except inside the program of AA) I've been married 3xs, divorced twice, had more demonstration runs than I can shake a stick at and am still in my 3rd marriage almost entirely because of this spiritually based 12 step and 12 tradition program which issued me a Higher Power when I was ready to surrender my ego and pride and daily reminds me to "practice these principles in all my affairs" only now there are no more affairs other than the last one I had which turned into a marriage which has lasted longer than the other two combined and which requires me to stay fixed in order to participate.
My only problem has always been me and the only solution has always been God.
Whenever the new and different models arrived on the scene all of the endorphins and adrenalin started to slam into my brain and I was under the influence again (called it love then...bs...under the influence) I didn't understand and needed to in the worse way or else it was the same thing over and over again expecting different results. There are mind and mood altering chemicals that I can pour into a glass or just use from the bottle...ice; no ice; chaser; neat whatever and then there are the M&M chemicals that just flow like a wide river inside of myself that get turned on faster than I can say..."Yes please make that a double...hold the salad."
The inventory steps are where I get to know the one person I've lived my entire life with and knew little to nothing about...me. Now I can make better choices...for me.
To my mind, a core issue is whether or not you are is currently legally married. You say "your wife", so if there has not been a divorce, I'd ask what you are doing with a girlfriend, given such heavy-duty unfinished business?
And if you are a married man, then what about the values (or lack of) involved when a single woman knowingly hooks up with a married man? Of course, that does assume that you actually respect the marriage and the vows that were taken, for better or worse, until death do you part (excluding abuse, criminal activity, and the like, of course).
On the other hand, if you are currently legally divorced, then you no longer have a wife---you have a girlfriend, legitimately, and a maybe a new girlfriend-to-be who happens to be an ex-spouse. In that regard, if everyone is actually free and single, then both woman will have to decide if they are up for being in an emotional competition...and yeah, one of 'em is gonna get hurt, but it's on them and the choices they make. That is assuming the girlfriend is not a well-kept secret from the wife (or ex-wife.) That would be really nasty!!
Personally, I don't think "for the good of the children"--which is not assured just by not being a "weekend dad" is something to use as a deal-breaker. I can assure you, the kids already hurt and coming back is no guarantee of healing.
I am sorry if being blunt might be offensive-it is NOT meant to be--I know my buttons are getting pushed here--but having "been there, done that", maybe some blunt comments at the time would have helped me to slow down and do some soul-searching on the value of my marriage, or the necessity and rightness of divorce. "Love" can be very deceptive, especially in the context of unresolved emotional states. Marriage certainly complicates your situation, whereas divorce simplifies it, so maybe your actual status is a place to start for some self-evaluation in the context of maintaining sobriety, above all. Has anyone suggested some serious, diligent marital or relationship counseling????? Maybe that is work that needs to be done before picking one path or the other.
Don't worry about blunt - tough love is what I need. My home group is pretty good at it and it keeps me grounded.
I'm legally unable to get divorced until next Friday (one year and a day). Until a couple of weeks ago I pretty much assumed the papers were going to be sent and that would be it.
I left her ten seconds before I was going to be thrown out. It was an attempt at saving some dignity (not that I had any). She put an Intervention Order on me that I didn't contest because I'm 300kms away, she didn't fight me about seeing the kids which was all that really mattered, if she doesn't want to see me then I'm not going where I'm not wanted, and I acted like a drunken prick anyway. I've spent the last year accepting the fact that the marriage is over.
It was well and truly over too - at least that is what I thought. We recently hammered out the parenting agreement via phone because neither of us wanted to be near the other - I can't speak for her but my reason was that it hurt so damn much - so that was my life until a couple of weeks ago.
Then she starts telling me she misses me, she still loves me, would I be interested in counselling, and a whole bunch of other stuff. And I still miss and love her but it'll take a massive amount of give and take from both of us to make it work and she has no idea just how different we are these days. Besides I'm pretty happy where I am. My new life is quite a nice one and I won't be giving it up on a whim.
I don't feel like I have done anything morally wrong by taking another girl as a bedmate. What I did wrong was not take the advice of leaving this stuff alone for a while and now I have to pay the piper.
Anyway whatever happens I won't rush it. I've made that mistake once. I need to make sure of many things before I do anything and I need to do what I do for the right reasons.
I should also say that thanks to AA that I'm even asking these questions. A year or so ago I would have been trying to figure out how I could have both and I would have had many a drink as I did a whole bunch of poor me stuff because I couldn't have my cake and eat it too. That I don't feel like being a selfish SOB about it, and that I have a strong desire to do the right thing (whatever that may be) is a miracle in itself. Also I'm not running from the mess I've made. I made it and I'll clean it up as best I can.
Thanks for listening, thanks for keeping me sober, and thanks for making me want to be a better person.
Thanks Frodo---upon re-reading, I see I really did get my buttons pushed!!!!!!! Indeed, much of my rant was my own "stuff". Always fun to take that second look.
As Dean notes, there are often external elements affecting the divorce process, such as court-recognized separation and/or a very slow system for dissolving the marriage, and ideally those factors should be taken into consideration before making any moves affecting the lives of so many. But, as Dean also notes, the obstacles in the process just serve to impede dealing with the reality of a long-dead marriage and the human need to "get on with it".
Sounds like you already have your bases well-covered. I misunderstood--thought you were still married and seeing both women---my bad!
I misunderstood--thought you were still married and seeing both women---my bad!
Lol! That's cool. In explaining things it helped me understand it a bit more. You have more faith in me than I do in my ability to juggle two woman. It sounds far too much like hard work than pleasure.
