Before I came into Al-Anon, I took disparagingcomments to heart. I believed them and found myself wondering what was wrong with me. Even asI became older, I carried inside the person who grew up with alcoholic parents and endured the abuse that accompanied the disease. A large part of my recovery has been to rediscover and nurture the part of me that grew up with active alcoholism.I had to learn how to love this aspect of myselfunconditionally.
####ROSIE....oh i did too, i was *softened up* by the perp with his insults/ barbs/ putdowns that anyone else doing it...i either lashed out/ got into a fight/ or got even in some other way....either way, i was sooo vindictive/ vicious when any one even *thought* of abusing me.....deep inside though, i wondered, *what was wrong with me* i played it over and over i took it personaly, as i became older i got even meaner about my pride...someone came against me with an insult?? i would come *back at ya* real viciously.....my parents set me up for the *angry born failure* belief....i wasn't just a *screw up* i was an ANGRY screw up..its a miracle i didn't really harm someone with my out of control rage/anger.....i had been *abused out*.....i just had had TOO much!!! and i was *hitting back*....getting into recovery, i had to discharge all that anger and REdirect it where it belonged....to my perp.....over and over i had to beat the chair , cursing him, beating him verbally and physically until i would be worn out!!!! it worked, because even though i get angry now, when i am afraid, i know the source..i know where it is comming from and i can work the steps...share on group, go to meets......AND i know that if someone says to me something insulting, i can *look at the sourece* check my inventory, is it warranted??? did i really do that???? or are they insulting my character??? again, inventory check, if my *side of the street* is clean, than i can blow them off and say to myself "its their inventory/problem, not mine" there are vicious and stupid people out there , and i am getting better at not absorbing their karma.....like "what they think is not my problem".......it took time though, and as i love me more, i get WAY less attacks from negative people
When I took Step Three and truly surrenderedmy will and my life to the care of my Higher Power,I felt enveloped in healing love. Through StepEleven's prayer and meditation, I bathe myself in this love every day. By diligently working the Steps,I've finally learned how to love all of me -- my strengths *and* my shortcomings. I feel a much stronger sense of self, which I now allow no one to diminish. Al-Anon has given me wonderful gifts --the self-respect and self-esteem needed to protect myself from unacceptable behavior............Thought for the Day When I awaken to the gift I truly am, and wisely use detachment, no one's words or actions can hurt me.". . . The most important person to gain love andrespect from is myself."*Courage to Be Me*, p. 137
######ROSIE....i still have to *make myself* do the step three thing, i still have trust issues with HP....i am not sure i trust him/her/it with the *big stuff*....i got into this program not only distrusting any God, but hating any God as well, it is going to take time for me to really really trust/love this HP.......my trust in HP is being tested now, with this *job issue* hanging over my head....are we going to *belly up* or not??? and there is nothing really out there at the present....besides..i love this job...my boss is the best....WHERE am i gonna find a place so cool to work???? so i feel threatened/ angry/ fearful at 59, i am still worrying about making ends meet, forget retirement!!! i just break even at the end of the month.....so yeah, putting my life over, to this HP who really hasn't eased my hardship??? thats a tough one....i am WILLING that is all i can say....and i am DILIGENTLY doing the *detachment* thing from this latest threat to my being able to meet my needs....i am in the process of making another affirmations cd, to try to help me believe REALLY believe that there is something higher than me who gives a s*** and will help me......i am learning to love me so much better.....i respect me more...i don't blame me AT ALL for the evil i was forced to live in....but honestly??? my faith in a higher power is being tested and i am not doing so good with that test....i feel like i am having this BIG relapse with it....OR, was the lack of faith/trust always there, and i didn't notice???? either way, the steps 1,2,3, are in my face again to work.....i hope i really hope i can believe in REALLY believe in and love a God....i am willing...i really am open to it.....maybe wilth my healing i will notice it more and be able to SEE..FEEL it!!!!! ....i am using detachment in all the negative areas of my life.....this is a DAY to DAY thing.....i think i am *getting it* and i get set right back.....and as far as other's words??? ok, if it is someone i love?? i am gonna make SURE i don't owe an amend first...if i do'nt??? i usually just back off from them, cool off, tell them what they said, and that it did me harm, and what amend i need to get things back on track.....i know i love me/ i accept me/ i respect me....THAT is the #1 most important thing..and i am honest with me too, like if i do harm someone??? i am aware....i accept....i act!!!!! make amends...thank you
I can really identify with a lot that is said in this post Rosie.
And to make a long story shorter, --Today...I really hafta be aware of old triggers, when others say something to me, jokingly..... it can easily trigger the put downs, and verbal abuse, from the past. I can find myself saying. Were they serious? or were they joking?
I guess being aware, is half the battle.
If its serious shit..I used to take it. I dont anymore... if its not mine to take. The old tapes--the old triggers-the old thinking, and the old reacting. Forward!! You have a good day.
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Easy Does it..Keep It Simple..Let Go and Let God..
Hey Rosie, Regrouping, that's a thing we all have to do every once in awhile. The first three steps are a must and the "Serenity Prayer" helps.
I don't know what I would have done this last two years,if I didn't have my stong believe in my HP (God), I had left Him when I was 12, didn't look Him up again till I was 30, I'm 50 now. Anyway, he has walked beside me when my husband was sent to jail for felony DUI, son moved off to go to college, daughter and her family moved away, Mom almost died, been taking care of her the past year, filed for my disabilty, hopeful will see the judge by April, it seems like just when I'm ready to give in and give up ,God puts something or someone in my path, that says it'll be okay.
I found this board, just as all this was happening, the guys in my AA group, just refused to let me give up. If nothing else they would just piss me off enough so that I refused to giveup.I just have to remember this too shall pass. When I let go and let God , He begins to work miracles and I stand back and scratch my old hard head and say,"How'd He do that, that's impossible.
You are in my thoughts and prayers. Hang on! Stay sober and keep working those first 3 steps.
