You are reading from the book Food for Thought </OA_HTML/ibeCCtpItmDspRte.jsp?item=33>.
Food Is Not Home
Breaking abstinence may be an attempt to go home emotionally. Since we associate food, and especially certain foods, with early experience, we may turn to food when we crave the emotional support of home.Perhaps our early home life did not provide the emotional support and security we needed, causing us to attach a false significance to the food, which we were given. The habit of turning to food and eating as a substitute for love, acceptance, and security may be deeply ingrained in our psyche. We may have come to depend on food instead of people to satisfy our emotional needs.
#######ROSIE....i got NO support NO love NO affection hardly nothing from home, so yes, i glommed onto food to fill that emptyness inside of me that felt like the grand canyon......i remember one day in particular i was being yelled at by the perp AS usual, and there was a box of oreos on the table....it was full, and i dipped my hands into it and ate and ate and ate till i was almost ready to vomit.....i didn't get sick, but i was stuffed to the max.....i would drink milk till i was ready to burst.....thank goodness i have good matabolism because i have never been more than 15# over weight which i am now and i think this is a throwback to my *grief layers* and my eating to comfort myself through them. also menopause has had somethign to do with it......but really with my sports, and my matabolism, i have been lucky......cause food and beer/wine have been my comforters......i never KNEW what emotional support and security was...it was NON exhistent....so food/ *things* beer/wine even more pets than what i needed to fill that awful emptyness and lonliness......i didn't understand that i have to fill ME with ME!!!!! ...i still have to watch the food/ drink thing especially during these greif cycles that are not done yet.....also i am facing possible job loss due to this economy not getting better, and our company is into its 3rd bad year....we can't go on like this, so at 59 i may be out of a job AGAIN!!!! always threats to my security and i am tired of it.....my basic needs being met are once again under seige......its like *same ole s**t diferent day* and the only thing i can do (recovery tools) is to say f*** it and detach.....i prayed an angry prayer to God this am, and said "ok, if U R takin away my job??? just do what you gotta do-- i am walking away-- DETACHING"......for 3 years, my boss, bless her heart has told me "rosie i don't know how long we can go like this...things are just not picking up for us...other construction companies are workin, but not us"....i didn't know what to tell her, but there are not many jobs in the event we all end up *bellying up*.....so another angry prayer at HP to the effect that "hey when do i get some peace???? when does this old horse get to rest???" so i DECIDE to let it go!!!! i am DONE with this worrying about stuff over which i am powerless crap!!!!!! so yeah, the temptation to *get a buz* is big...but what is that gonna prove??? tomorow i'll wake up with a hangover and SAME circumstances WITH a toxic body!!!!!!! so i am *walkin away from it* i am working today.....its like my life is on a tightrope....soo tentative....not much to fall back on and i WAS homeless on two occasions...once for 4 days.....the other for 2....so i have *been there* God DID let me go the limit....and i am tired!!! sick of the crap1!!! so i cling to my program to try and stay serene as my basic needs are under threat AGAIN!!!!!!
The problem is, of course, that food is not a satisfactory substitute for love and acceptance. However much we eat, the emotional satisfaction will be only temporary and soon disintegrate into despair and self-hatred. The home we crave can best be built here and now by working the OA program and loving the people our Higher Power gives us to love today......May I realize that food is not home.
#####ROSIE....no but i can forgive me for tryin....when i are alone ALL my life....poor ALL my life.....struggling ALL my life and it seems to go on and on and on, it gets old!!!! i just hate comparing myself to others, but i see women younger than me, retired, homes paid for, having it easier than the past, and life is just hard hard and may get HARDER for me......i am sick of it!!!!! but i have the program now, so i work it....i will do my BEST to take care of me....drink more water to flush out these negative emotions i have been feeling....i am in another grief cycle and my boss *lays this on me*.....than my niece tells me to f*** off and get out of her life....no phone call to make amends....and i keeeeeep detaching...keeeeeep focusing on me/today......keeeeep trying to make GOOD karma.......my thoughts today?????? today i am working.........today i will make wage......today i have better attitude about me..........today i am sober............today i am not stuffing my guts with junk food..........today i feel like crap!!!!!! i just keep thinking if i keep treating me good/ taking care of me the karma will change.....i am gonna change that to "the karma CAN change" meaning it may or may not.....i just gotta *go it* one day at a time............thank you for listening.....
Hey Rosie, Sorry you are having a bad day. Keep posting and venting. I've been having some of those bad days myself, the guys ay my AA meeting last night even said I just wasn't myself. Man, when those guys notice, I have to take an inventory.
I really haven't been sharing honestly , from my gut, like I should. So I have a lot of writing to do, figure out what's going on before it gets out of control.
You are in my thoughts and prayers. Keep working the program, we'll get through this stuff together. I'm glad you are here.
One foot in front of the other is what Sponse would often say. Do what's directly in front of you and you cannot fail. There are days when i wanna use the steps like an intruding cockroach, and crush them under my feet. Days when i don't wanna hear the A.A. psycho-babble, I just want F@ckin' results. These are the days when I need to think less & to do more. Put my actions ahead of my Sh@t additude and just go.
You are a worthwhile person & have loads to give. Just in the fact that you have a PC available, you have the tools to get crackin' on that resume & to hit the online job market hard.
Not trying to lecture, Just identifying, as i also fight depression on a daily basis. Today i fight, not accept, I fight by doing..&..moving. I refuse to allow those untruths, i learned in writing the 4th step come back, lie and then throw off the truthful balance of who I am.
Hold your head up & remember that balance... You are a powerful, being, who's only powerless over alcohol, and the things that you cannot change. Otherwise, you & the creator are a strong beacon that can light the path through the darkness to the next turn.
