Subject: Meditation: A Resting Place Daily Reflections, page 137
After writing down my character defects, I was unwilling to talk about them, and decided it was time to stop carrying this burden alone. I needed to confess those defects to someone else... Step Five provided me with a feeling of belonging, with humility and serenity when I practiced it in my daily living. It was important to admit my defects of character in the order presented in Step Five: "to God, to ourselves and to another human being." Admitting to God first paved the way for admission to myself and to another person. As the taking of the Step is described, a feeling of being at one with God and my fellow man brought me to a resting place where I could prepare myself for the remaining Steps ...When it comes to ego deflation, few Steps are harder to take than Step Five. But scarcely any Step is more necessary to longtime sobriety and peace of mind than this one ... unless it is Step Four. Have you written your Step Four Inventory? Chapter 5,
######ROSIE....well its funny!!! i was SO desperate to heal, i guess i figured "buns to the wall" here i come....i was gonna let it ALL hang out.....this didn't mean tell my deepest/ darkest secrets that you take to the grave, however even those, i talked with my HP about......this, the "tell all" thingy is the survival tools/ wrong actions i did as a RESULT of my injuries....and i didn't get rejected....told 3 sponsers......after God, and me!!!!! i felt kinda *icky* at first, but i didn't get rejected, so i felt, "hey i am not so unique after all".......actually TELLING someone after God and me felt good, it freed me...like a *purging* of me......there are things that happened/ things i did that are NOONES business but me and my God, and i am ok with that...but the *nature* of my wrongs!!! those i had to "let out of the bag" being willing to let them go/ ASKING to be relieved of them.....actually the ASKING i was confused about, but i just said "i cast this burden of..............................onto my Christ within and i am free" or words to that effect.....i learned that i didn't have to be fancy about it....just ASK to be free/ or at least be able to MANAGE it.....did and do my inventory all the time......and i notice that some stuff wasn't that bad to get rid of.....some is!!!! so progress over perfection.....
How It Works, in the Big Book explains. Resentment is the "number one" offender... In dealing with resentments, we set them on paper. We listed people, institutions or principles with whom we were angry. In most cases it was found that our self-esteem, our pocketbooks, our ambitions, our personal relationships (including sex) were hurt or threatened. Referring to our list again. Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened? Though a situation had not been entirely our fault, we tried to disregard the other person involved entirely. Where we we to blame? The inventory was ours, not the other man's. When we saw our faults we listed them. We placed them before us in black and white. We admitted our wrongs honestly and were willing to set these matters straight. (page 67, Third Edition, Alcoholics Anonymous) Do you need to go back to Steps 1-2-3? You are not alone.
#######ROSIE.....for me??? hate/resentment was probably at the top of the list.......i HATED my perp!!! i resented his breathing the same air as i.....i mean the hate was off the chart.....and the rage, when i first got into recovery..and was doing the step 4, and venting and raging and REMEMBERING all what he did to me...i swear!!! its a good thing he is dead, because i think , i really really think, i could have killed him...i wanted to kill him.....i fantasized about it....but i know that NO punishment could equal what karma can!!!! i know that God took care of him, and as i learned that i DO have a God and that you DONT get past karma, i was able to *let go--let God* but oh the resentment/rage/hate...you name it.....i wrote about it...beat the chair with my tennis racquet about it....i did everything i could to discharge the raging emotions about it......i found i was angry not just at him, even tho he was #1 on my hit parade!!! there was God/ Life/ Mother who didn't protect me/ Siblings who added to my abuse.....oh yeah, my self esteem was ZERO....my finances were *living paycheck to paycheck* the money i spent on doctors and drugs to calm my demons.....my ambitions were zero due to NO confidence in me...SOO many lost opportunities.....can't enjoy my body in sex because of the incest......my own mistakes were mostly directed at me...i punished me....alcohol/ drug abuse.....self abuse...punishing ME for HIS evil!!!! LOADED with fear........and NO i was not to blame for what HE did to me....
but i had *issues* *inventory* because of these injuries...i developed *survival tools* and some undesireable just to stay alive, and they became part of my life.....now i fight to get rid of them....some are going peacefully, some are fighting me tooth and nail.........now i forgive me!!! i feel compassion for me because all i did was try to stay alive, protect me, try to control to prevent FURTHER harm to me, i was staggering from the blows...i knew that any more blows, would break me....i came close MANY times to breaking...it scares me to think how CLOSE i came to NOT making it!!!!! how CLOSE i came to just dying or going nuts.....so the PLUS side i have to do too....like "i survived THAT??? WOW!!!! i am proud of/ impressed with me"......i am looking at the good.....sometimes i get sad..its like "hey i am IMperfect enough, i did NOT need that freak's help to be MORE imperfect".....i figure life is hard enough withOUT shooting your OWN child in both feet and disabling her to make life HARDER......i guess that is why i will always always hate child predators ESPECIALLY the incest agressors because they almost guarantee that that child is not going to reach their full potential...God's plan for him/her....and for that??? there should be a special place in hell for them...............you can tell i am in another grief cycle....for what???? for my losses over what he did!!! i am left behind to pick up the pieces.....and sometimes i am sad!!!!!!! but you know what???? i'll be ok!!! i AM ok!!! i WILL get past this!! i am learning to love me/ to accept me/ to honour me....NOW i hope all those opportunities i lost come back to me becuz i deserve a 2nd chance!!! i fought / AM fighting hard enough for it!!! thank you DONE
