I've been sober for 169 days and I'm beginning to dislike everything my boyfriend does, especially when he smokes pot. We've lived together for 18 months and he's always smoked. When I first quit drinking it didn't bother me but now it does and I don't know why it would since I haven't smoked pot in 21 years. He doesn't really drink, maybe 3 times a year so that's not an issue but this habit of his is driving me nuts!! I don't know what I'm really feeling is it resentment/jealousy/anger/envy/irritation/aggarvation/annoyance/bitter/self-rightousness/impatience/control issues......has anyone else felt anything like this? Is this normal with being sober like a stage/step I have to get threw?
I've been sober a long time. To this day I still feel unconfortable around others who are drinking or otherwise intoxicated.
I've set a boundry. I simply do not spend much time around or with people who are drinking, drunk, high or stoned.
My recovery is important to me. I believe what is says in the book about these strong feelings of anger and resentment being emotions that I cannot afford to hold on to. These feelings are poison to me.
I learned many ways to view that myself and one of them was to acknowledge that I was returning, in "recovery" back to normal. Normal people feel the same way you do about other peoples' addictions. I felt the same thing about my alcoholic/addicts (wife) trying to chase my drinking. Its the differences that cause the friction. On my sponsors suggestion and ESH I separated myself from all thing alcohol which included much or most of my family or origin to and including my spouse. Its okay to get out of it as I am responsible for my peace of mind, serenity and sobriety and no one else.
Resentments maybe or sure some and then maybe your value systems are also recovering. (((hugs)))
Well, we are living a program that demands rigourous honesty and where I live dope is illegal so I don't allow it in my home and I will not be in the presence of those smoking it at any time, end of story. Alcohol I treat a bit differently. In early days I would not have alcohol in my flat nor would I allow drinking alcoholics into my home. However I never had a problem with normal drinkers and don't object to them drinking in my presence, it's my problem not theirs.
Your sobriety is the most important thing in your situation. As your eyes are being opened to this wonderful new way of life, your old life will begin to look less and less attractive. With me it was not too long before I began to wonder what I ever saw in it. There is bound to be some tension between the new and the old. Perhaps if you pray about it, the answers will come.
I've been sober for 169 days and I'm beginning to dislike everything my boyfriend does
Personally this is the sentence that jumped out at me, I have friends that drink, and some that smoke pot, I find some tedious when they smoke pot or drink, some it doesn't bother me, they don't turn into boring, asinine people, but his pot use I think is a subset of the sentence I quoted, if you dislike everything your boyfriend does (ie everything about him) it may be time for a good honest inventory of your true feelings for this person, I know for me my "stuff" likes to dress up in different clothes, what I mean by that is many times if I am getting angry and resentful at a LOT of things, the other person isn't the problem, I am the one with the problem, now that problem might be as simple as "I don't like/love this person and don't want to be involved with them" but this Program asks for rigorous honesty, that means it behooves me to find out the truth of how I feel about someone/something and act accordingly
I know for me I have spent YEARS in relationships jumping through hoops to try to make this other person happy, that's how I actually got sober, she was sure "the problem" was my drinking, then it was my smoking, after I quit smoking, it was I needed a better career, after I went back to college and got a better career, it was I was too messy, after I turned into a neat freak, I realized, and she did too, the truth was, she just didn't like me very much, it would have saved us many years and me years of mental anguish jumping through the moving target of ever decreasing diameter trying to make someone else happy that ultimately wasn't happy with themself, I have repeated this relationship more then once, trying to make someone else happy by changing things about myself, or in other words, climbing up the ladder only to find out it was leaning against the wrong wall
The spiritual axiom is, If I am upset, there is something wrong WITH ME, not I am bad and wrong, but there is something wrong as in there is something I need to look at in MY BEHAVIOR, MY LIKES AND DISLIKES, there is something inside I need to access ABOUT ME and about what I want in MY life
If him smoking pot or his other behaviors bother you, those aren't "his problem", they are yours, and if they are something you can't live with, they don't make him a bad person, it makes it a bad fit for you, don't punish him because you are uncomfortable, find out what your truth is and act on it
-- Edited by LinBaba on Friday 30th of September 2011 11:19:10 AM
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
Thank you for all the replies and each one helped. I'm working on it and some days are better than others, like yesterday my boyfriend has decided to quit smoking pot. However, he has quit before and started again, just like I did with drinking. Thank you again.
However I never had a problem with normal drinkers and don't object to them drinking in my presence, it's my problem not theirs.
I guess I feel the same way about my friends who are 'normal' dope smokers. If I'm at their place or out the them it's my place to have my escape route planned so if I start having a problem with their drinking/drugging I can excuse myself.
The spiritual axiom is, If I am upset, there is something wrong WITH ME, not I am bad and wrong, but there is something wrong as in there is something I need to look at in MY BEHAVIOR, MY LIKES AND DISLIKES, there is something inside I need to access ABOUT ME and about what I want in MY life
That's a real gem for me Lin. Thanks! I have always struggled to reconcile this concept but, as usual, when someone explains it in a slightly different way, the penny drops.
I saw the acronym SLA the other day. I wondered if it stood for Slow Learners Anonymous. If so I am a prime candidate! :)
