I always have had a problem playing a roll. I thought if I could make you believe something about me then it would be true. I especially did this over and over in AA. I never let myself be a newcomer. I learned the words and who was the right sponsor to have by popularity and pretended I was ok. I never let myself be a newcomer. So instead of really ever healing, I masked being healed. Instead of being lost I acted like I was in a great relationship with God. So it always has turned out that I would get 90 days or 9 months or even over a year a couple of times since 1996 that always lead to getting drunk and throwing everything away that was good in my life. I'm back at my sponsor's house now and staying for a while. Nothing makes sense as far as my thinking goes except the hope that AA will really work for me too. NO more pretense. No more being worse than or better than anyone. I have 3 days away from my last drink. It took 4 days for the complete terror and desperation to come full force. I am David and I am an alcoholic. I am a newcomer.
Hey Dave, welcome back. That was the story of my life. Every where I went, jobs, schools. etc... I always pretended to know what I didn't know. There was this shameful feeling and anticipation of being roughly criticized for not knowing something even when It was extremely obvious that I'd no experience/education to draw from. It was such a relief to learn how to say "I don't know" and "would you help because I've never done this before". I too was in and out (maybe never in) of the program for 2 years largely due to this and, perhaps a reservation or two. What I found out was exactly what is written in Chapter 5 - "Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path". What a concept, just do what several (millions) of other successfully recovering AAs have done and it will work for me. Genius! No recreating the wheel, figuring out a custom route because I am sooooo unique lol. The continuing payoff is that his system works outside of AA in every aspect of life. What to be a millionaire? Just do what they did. Of course have rich parents hand your a bunch of money doesn't apply lol, but most don't get it that way anyway.
I've also done some of your story David and got to afraid of being so afraid and so I stopped the insanity. I got it that I get it when I work it after I learn it and that with practice it becomes real for me and to give it up would be giving up life itself. No longer have that thought or perception. No judgements. You're here and you want to be here. You just gotta wanna. ((((hugs))))
Yeah David, me too. It is one of those long lessons to learn that complete honesty is the only way. "WE" under the influence, are the best deceivers on the planet. Every slip you had is a "lesson" as long as you stay with the program now. It really sounds like you have the answer in front of you. Tom
__________________
"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
David, I can totally relate. The truth is that I know the Big Book inside and out. I can quote it, explain it, give you the history of it -- all these things. I could share in a meeting and make you think that I have 20 years sobriety and I have 9 days and attended my first meeting over 20 years ago. I am almost embarrassed by what must have been going through the minds of those truly in recovery as I would share so pompously in meetings...This only goes to prove the point that while knowledge is important in recovery, it does little good when it is not put into action.
"Being a newcomer" requires a degree of humility that was impossible given the high-esteem with which I held myself (all the while feeling inferior in truth). Truly, I'm an ego-maniac with an inferiority complex -- this phrase describes me and so many of us wonderfully.
For me, it has taken beat down after beat down and beat down to acquire the degree of willingness to submit/surrender...I am making choices against my own fears because the fear is no longer greater than the fear of picking it back up...drinking is a bigger nightmare for me than anything you could put in front of me...I can't say that has ever been honestly true for me on a deep level (in spite of my words previously to the contrary) as it is today.
The program can and will work. You know it and I know it because we see drunks as bad off (and worse) than we were who are living a different life. There is hope.
-- Edited by voyager7429 on Sunday 25th of September 2011 12:54:16 AM
Welcome back. David...you're back, and hopefully for good this time. What matters most of all is that you're still breathing, so be grateful for that. Everything else can work out over time, my friend, so long as you get connected now. Knowing how the program works is one thing David, but applying that to our everyday life is another. I hope you give sobriety much more than a second glance, my friend, because almighty God knows your situation and how much you need this fellowship more than anything.
There's a spiritual antidote to everything my friend, above all else. Unfortunately, it's hard to figure out amongst all the chatter. Step 12 does indeed talk about "that spiritual awakening" David and how it can eventually unfold. However, you must get through the previous 11 steps before that can take place. So, I suggest you start the process now.
The 11th step is my favorite without a doubt and the reason why is astounding. The passage that talks about the spiritual antidote I referred to earlier is clearly outlined in that essay. And I'll finish with that principle, so here goes. "When you get a glimpse of God's will for your life, when you see that Love, truth and justice are the real and eternal things in life, you will no longer be deeply disturbed by the seeming evidence to the contrary that surrounds us in purely human affairs". That, my friend, is what life is all about. Love, truth and justice for some can mean Father, Son and Holy Ghost for others -However, you define it. What it can do, though, is lead you to that place where sobriety ultimately remains your priority. I hope it does, starting today.
~God bless~
-- Edited by Mr_David on Thursday 29th of September 2011 03:02:06 AM
