Just musing and looking for "spiritual" reassurance.
Older Brother is visiting for a week or so and so part of the time (maybe too much of it) it is reminising with younger family that were not around back then and so the stories start to surface with bits of more recent news included. I didn't close the door and kept it open and it made me sick to my stomach and beyond remorseful at what we and our families have gone thru for generations. My part is a smaller part of the family picture and I own it all...I have sieved it thru the filter of this program of recovery and with the exception of an unmade 9th from the seventies and maybe some deeply hidden secret swamp bubble which I am blind to I have pretty well become settled with coming to grips with what happened to us back then. The farther I get away from it in sobriety the sicker I get when and if it resurfaces. I find myself scrambling for the coat tails of my Higher Power and hiding my eyes from it all wanting to walk away with the thought that maybe the definition of "closing the door on it" isn't the same as nailing the coffin lid down on it.
I looked at my elder brother amazed that he has survived cancer while at the same time knowing that I once was the thing that almost killed him earlier on during the young drinking years. That causes a double gratitude even while I revisit the old feelings I had while making the attempt on his life and that reminds me that I also made the attempt on my younger brothers life too. But these are only two memories in a whole album of sickness and insanity that my drug and alcohol inundated family lived in. Was there ever a time I was not under the influence? When I sit in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous I know I'm there because I am under the influence. No I'm not drinking and I need AA while I'm under the influence to stay that way.
I listened to the stories and today I get to morn my trashed family. I morn because everyone of them addict and alcoholic and non-drinker/user victim dead and alive still are good people...children of God and miracles and trashed severely many thru very very sick behaviors.
I've I didn't understand thru the fellowships of Al-Anon and AA and the MIP Form today I'd be out in the jungle or the desert or down in my town a candidate for a cage or straight jacket like I was when I first got here for real. Gratitude is by far the strongest emotion I carry with me and at times when I take the opportunity to look back thru that door the spiritual sickness overwhelms the gratitude and the influence of alcoholism and drug abuse in my history becomes like a death eater in a Potter flick.
I'll never not be under the influence and doing it this way in the program has a different affect to me, mind, body, spirit and emotions. Instead of wanting to anestethize it I want to go help another fellow stay on the inside of the door rather than the outside.
I'm at the place where my sponsor asked me after I had found the door to look out of with all of the demons, "So what did you find Jerry F?" "I didn't find the dragons I suspected that were there...I found another door." Gonna open it and take a look and then probably take it off the hinges like I did the last one.
I know you all have ESH on this...send it over. please ((((hugs))))
Gratitude is by far the strongest emotion I carry with me and at times when I take the opportunity to look back thru that door the spiritual sickness overwhelms the gratitude and the influence of alcoholism and drug abuse in my history becomes like a death eater in a Potter flick.
I once read that gratitude is the anti-dote for pride, and not humility. This is why AA emphasises the 12th step work. My wife who once objected to amount of time I spent in AA, rejoices when I carry a newcomer, and if I phone she knows that I am not coming home that night because of a 5th step.
Thanks Jerry. I hope you have a good fellowship with the family.
Hey Jerry! Peace ... My 4th&5th ,8th &9th Steps diligently worked to the best of my ability really brought me so much closer to my God,which in turn allowed me to look back and be okay...I,at times, remember thinking the torment of my father ,who was a cop,detective,County Court clerk,but lived a double life as a chronic,into the mob for $$$ gambler.How he would cry out and moan in his sleep ,that scared me to death and I later found out he dreamed he was going to to be given cement shoes for not being able to pay back.How my mom,an undercover alcoholic ,who thought no one knew ,was so unhappy and lived a less than savory life in the bars to my rebellion(early ,I also had 1st blackout at 12,that would teach them!,not that I was concious of it at the time though)Knowing I had for the 1st time in my life(being guided to the program) found that person(my sponsor) to free all the pain and guilt of all the years I could not release to anyone,not the priest(grew up altar boy,catholic, not my best friend,,)My relationship with my Higher Power became the ultimate guide in my life(alwas believed but had no relationship) (dont get me wrong I still have much fallen nature,we call defects,shotcomings,isms you name it)but I know I am forgiven ,I am able to truly look back at the family and know that those demons were not unique to me or for that matter anyone else.I had just been led, OR LETS SAY GUIDED,a long way around,by God to find that new way to live and I have support I Know I can truly share how I feel.(not reserved for everyone)I dont really feel any ostracism from members that are left in my family now,but those that know me well,(wife,mother,older mid 40 year old children)who lived thru the war with me, and around me see the evidence of a constant ,daily attempt to apply spiritual priciples in my life and actions of in all my affairs and I can only pray that God shines through my heart to others whom I reach out to share that love, truly from my heart,no catches and a smile inside when God and I get tight(my meditations and deep search to seek GOD(11TH)We are truly blessed that we have an opportunity to even reflect, do the work we know how to do,because of the daily practice we put in and I know for me and I also pray for all, they to will someday here that Power in their lives saying"well done my good and faithful servants. I believe the demons are very powerful ,but I also believe that the God I serve is ever more powerful.Maybe ,in the deeps of the universe between my ears I reach out to others because I am trying to make amends somehow,but I really do believe that it is really based on the gratitude I feel from the grace and mercy bestowed upon me..Peace friend,we know where we came from,we know where it took us and we also know how to move toward our primary purpose,being of maximum service to God and others(we'll still stumble,but we just reach out and grab that hand of help,,,heres mine my brother,grab it!!!
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Gratitude is by far the strongest emotion I carry with me and at times when I take the opportunity to look back thru that door the spiritual sickness overwhelms the gratitude and the influence of alcoholism and drug abuse in my history becomes like a death eater in a Potter flick.
I once read that gratitude is the anti-dote for pride, and not humility. This is why AA emphasises the 12th step work. My wife who once objected to amount of time I spent in AA, rejoices when I carry a newcomer, and if I phone she knows that I am not coming home that night because of a 5th step.
Thanks Jerry. I hope you have a good fellowship with the family.
Jerry, your post was very inspiring...I have had difficulties with the notion of "not regretting the past ...", because I do regret some of the past. I have worked through to not needing or wanting to shut the door--it is out in the open and cleansed by the light of my higher power and the working of the steps. But I certainly regret the pain and damage and permanency of some of that wreckage that my addicted alcoholic self caused. Gratitude is ESSENTIAL to living sober. In a week or so, I will be at my daughter's wedding, in my full role as Mother of the Bride. This now, after losing all hope that I would ever--ever-- be welcome into any part of her life. The healing of recovery is amazing. I know not all those we hurt get to a place of forgiveness or restored relationship, but I have learned to "never say never" when we are practicing these principles in ALL out affairs.
