Long time ago... at a weeknight meeting, a newcomer showed up. Mid 40s. His wife brought him to his first meeting. He was shaking and in every way the classic alcoholic. On the verge of losing his house, his family, his job.
I gave him rides to meetings here and there. One night called to see if he was going, and his wife answered.. he was drunk as a skunk and mumbled something about not making it tonight. Handed back to his wife who said, "I just wanted you to hear it for yourself".
He didn't get sober. He lost his wife, his family, his house, his job. Even his dog. What I saw so clearly in this man is that he dearly loved his wife, his family, his house, his job, and his dog. There was no evil in him. He was a very smart guy, with many talents. And a fatal disease.
He did put together almost a year without drinking, but was never happy. He was in a halfway house for a while. When I saw him, he just would say "same shit, different day". He also seemed to think that my life was just as miserable as his... he didn't believe. He wanted it all back after a week without drinking, and lost the faith, if he ever had it at all.
I really liked the guy. Because he reminded me so much of my dad. In spite of his talents, he was a little boy who never grew up. He showed me that indeed my dad really did love me, even though his disease consumed him and prevented him from keeping his promises. Dad didn't lie to me. Every promise he made in sincerity. He lacked the ability to keep them, or even to recognize that he lacked the ability.
My friend died drunk after 6-7 years in and out... I guess it has been more than 10 years ago. He never got the miracle. I don't think he ever saw the miracle in others. I don't know if I've told this story before, if I have, I apologize. But it was just on my mind. I am grateful to have known him, and for the opportunity to grow up. And I wonder if his kids know how much he loved them - they are adults now. It took me a long time to get there, my dad died when I was 15.
Thanks for the insight. I never heard that story before Bari, not here at least. Thanks...for sharing it with us. A friend of mine who had suffered endlessly at one time -like your friend did, was quoted once when asked: Why do you continue to drink? Knowing full well what the consequences would be. His reply..."I wanted to hear something that would convince me to stay". Well...he eventual did, thank God, and hasn't looked back since.
Your story reminds me of the perilous journey some active alcoholics take and how our life can either turn out for the better or for the worse. In this case, for the worse. I hope others can not only benefit from this story, but also use this example as a reason to sober up, despite all else. That's...what I'll pray for, especially today. Thanks Bari, for the valuable insights on sobriety. I hope you have a wonderful day.
~God bless~
-- Edited by Mr_David on Tuesday 13th of September 2011 12:58:52 PM
"He never got the miracle. I don't think he ever saw the miracle in others. I don't know if I've told this story before, if I have, I apologize. But it was just on my mind. I am grateful to have known him, and for the opportunity to grow up. And I wonder if his kids know how much he loved them - they are adults now. It took me a long time to get there, my dad died when I was 15." Bari often times I get the picture wrong even when I think I see it clearly and I am grateful for an early sponsor who worked long and hard to help me "get the picture". I learned from this sponsor about perspectives...how to see the picture from different angles or perspectives (take a different attitude about it) and often I would arrive at what had been happening was doing for me.
I've met many an alcoholic during my journey who's lives ended while they continued to drink and at the same time who convinced me to stay sober. I witness their lives and their journey and can overlay the the AA statement of purpose over it..."When anyone (me) anywhere reaches out for help I want the hand of AA to always be there and for that I am responsible." How is your recovery as a result of his work?
A friend of mine who had suffered endlessly at one time -like your friend did, was quoted once when asked: Why do you continue to drink? Knowing full well what the consequences would be. His reply..."I wanted to hear something that would convince me to stay".
This is an interesting observation that applies to my late friend, myself, and my dad.
I saw a psychiatrist through much of my childhood. This was before I ever took a drink. I never totally understood why I was going to a shrink, and I didn't make good use of him - nor did I know how to. IMO it was unethical for him to continue as long as he did, but he did once give me some vital insight to myself. I didn't act on it for a long time, but it always resonated in my head and it relates directly to what you just said.
I was always diagnosed as a "smart kid" who "doesn't work up to potential" when it came to school. I really didn't like school, didn't like the environment, didn't like the authority - sound familiar? Everybody said I had the capability to be a straight-A student, but instead got Cs, Ds, and Fs. My response to all of this was, it's not my problem. Ask my teachers - they're the ones giving me the Ds and Fs. As to why I didn't get along with other kids, go ask them - they're the ones picking on me.
My psychiatrist one day just blurted out, "You want your teachers to just recognize who you are and give you an automatic A".
He was pointing out, correctly, that my swelled ego from years of being told how smart I was, absolved me from having to do any of the grunt work. I was "special". Studying was for the other morons, not a brilliant person like me.
I think that in life even though I managed to succeed in my career very well once out of the academic environment, I still had a sense of entitlement. I had this sit-back-and-show-me attitude. Tell me why I should work the steps. Tell me why I should do anything. What's my reward? Show me the money!
This is exactly how my friend was, and how my dad was. They placed conditions on their sobriety and leaned forward in their seats looking for their reward. When they didn't see it on the immediate horizon, they said the hell with it and went back to drinking.
I wish I could explain why it was different for me, why I was able to begin the steps on faith without *any* guarantees. I guess that was my desperation, although it didn't feel that desperate at the time. I thought of it more like an experiment... I'm going to do this, what they say, how they say to do it, and see what happens. Maybe I learned from my dad - and that bug planted in my brain by a psychiatrist when I was 13 years old - I have to get off my ass and do the work. Yes, even a brilliant and talented person like myself has to put it in gear. Either that or sit and wait for what never comes and sink into the quicksand of unfulfilled potential.
I wish I could explain why it was different for me, why I was able to begin the steps on faith without *any* guarantees. I guess that was my desperation,
And thats how it works for me I have to stay desperate, always, and be willing and humble and honest....
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And God said to me "I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger" , Uh yeah I got sober LOL....
Great post BS. You wish you could go back in time and stop the behaviors that became embedded in your friends being. At what point did he (or we) become unhappy as kids? At what point could we have changed directions? Anyhow, it is what it is and thank God (HP) we at least recognize what we have. Tom
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
I was that guy. By the grace of my higher power I was able to resolve a couple of issues that were distracting me from working the program. Like feeling sorry for myself over a marriage that was ending. It's all too clear now. I see folks that are in middle to late stages of alcoholism and their level of sanity (and strength of their disease) prevents them from seeing reality. There is such a thing as being "too far gone" and also why our temporary open door to recovery is thought of as a gift. My mother's class of recovering AAs called them "wet brains". That's what scared me into working harder for my sobriety. I was able to see my sanity slipping away. Living alone, drinking alone and imagining that there were others drinking with me. I'd come out of a black out and look around the house for them, at 3 am on a weekday.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Sunday 18th of September 2011 07:02:12 AM
We have a wonderful guy in our group who went through hell, he'd get a little time and go back out, come back all torn up and repeat. This went on for years, no I can say this man has 6+ years, is the treasurer for the group and a stalwart for recovery, always helps the struggling newcomer because he's been there.
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Work like you don't need the money
Love like you've never been hurt, and
dance like no one is watching.
