I need to figure something out and I didn't want to do it with any of the groups that I am a members of because I don't want to give anyone a bias opinion about my sponsor who I believe can help others. He is a great sponsor but he messed up in my personal situation.
I just asked him to be my sponsor 2 weeks ago and he accepted. He has been a freind of mine for many years and also runs in gorups of people that I know... and that is where the problem reared it's ugly face.
Day before yesterday, he said, "Lance... I need to come clean with you... I acidently let "Bob" (name changed) know that you are going to meetings with me and that I am your sponsor."
"WHAT?!?!" I said in reply...
If "Bob" was just "Joe-blow" who I don't know, I probably wouldn't have an issue about this. I am not embarrassed to be an alcoholic but I would like to tell people on my own terms and in my own time that I have a problem and disease... and especially, I really don't want my sponsor to say anything to anyone...
What made this worse is "Bob" is a business partner who is not workin gin the company and who I am in the process of buying out. Quite honestly, "Bob" the last person that I want to know at this stage of my life, situation and sobriety. "Bob" has always questioned (before/and after sobriety) if I had a drinking problem and this had been a contentious issue in our business partnership and more than likely a big reason we no longer are partners.
All said, I love my sponsor and he has been helpful to me in leading me in 12 Step Instruction and pointing me in the direction of meetings, challenging me to do 90-in-90, talking daily, etc... But this? I am questioning his loyalty and trust in my anonymity.
I did forgive him in a rough sense of the word but I am still mad as hell! I am trying to decide if I am going to keep him as my sponsor. I want this Alcoholic Anonymous to be anonymous unless I want to reveal it... My sponsor knows this, said this was a mistake and says it wont happen again... I have talked with him about this already... he's marking this up as a slip up. I just wonder if he's gonna do it again "by accident" with other in our group. He says "no" but then again, he's the one that explained his fault in letting this slip and understands the anonymity part of AA, probably better than I since he's the one that taught it to me... Can I trust it wont happen again?
I am affraid to loose him as a freind, a sponsor but I am beside myself and need your opinions to help me derive a solution.
Lance
-- Edited by Lance Romance on Thursday 8th of September 2011 04:20:20 PM
<copied from an earlier post> I like what Alcoholics Anonymous World Services has to say in their phamphlet about sponership. "In A.A., sponser and sponsored meet as equals just as Bill and Dr. Bob did. Essentially, the process of sponsorship is this: An alcoholic who has made some progress in the recovery program shares that experience on a continuous, individual basis with another alcoholic who is attempting to attain or maintain sobriety through A.A."
We all make mistakes. If he's really your friend I wouldn't think having a different sponser would effect that.
This sounds one of those posts where the poster needs to hear themselves out. No advise just popped in to say I'm listening. lol. I'm sure that the answer will come.
I'm listening... I want this to be all right. I am sure I will find the answer I am looking for.
For now, after some more discussions with God and my sponsor as well as listen to you, my support group here, I am sure I will make the right choice. Likewise, I am not dropping my sponsor in haste.
I an definitely not going to make any hasty decisions. I did that for the last 40 plus years with a mix of stupid juice and it never worked out well.
Love!
Lance
Oh jeez, I don't have an answer for you but I just had to sympathize -- I told my parents I was in AA (they are not in the program) and they decided it was OK to basically tell everyone in our extended family because "we are proud of you!" I'm not ashamed either, but I expect other people to respect my privacy and let me tell who I choose to tell in my own way.
Thanks for sharing. Well, I like the fact that your sponsor felt bad about the mouth slip and had the character to tell you about the fault. A lesser person may have rolled the dice on you never finding out about the situation. He sounds like a good AA, sponsor and person otherwise.
I hate to say it, but the fact that you are a alkie is not really news to the people you know, so really nothing bad can happen from you getting sober.....I know thats not the point, but sometimes those who have been sober awhile are not so sensitive to the issue.
It's good that you didn't make a emotional decision, you've known this person a while and I doubt he wants to have to make another amend to you.
For me, the decision boils down to which of the following I believe:
1) He slipped some information, which is out of character for him.
2) He is constitutionally incapable of keeping information to himself (my sister falls in this category)
Best thing I can say is read the bottom of pg 86 and the top of 87 and give the decision a little time.
Hope this helps,
Rob
-- Edited by Rob84 on Friday 9th of September 2011 01:02:15 AM
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
Hi Lance, Your sponsor made an honest mistake and put the program into effect straight away, setting a great example for you to follow. As a man of faith I am sure you realise people, all people, including sponsors, have feet of clay. They will make mistakes, they are fallible. And as a man of faith I am sure you know the value of forgiveness. We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God (not our sponsor), as we understood him, and you can be certain that there is something God wants you to learn from this, perhaps that if you trust Him, it will be o.k., and maybe how amends and forgiveness, practicing these principles in all our affairs, actually works.
Thanks for the share. I can understand your frustrations Lance and why you feel so deflated. I would feel frustrated myself over someone's lack in judgement, especially when it concerns our anonymity. I hope, you can find a way to forgive him in the end.
Hopefully you can observe in my frequency back to my post, not to mention me checking at 3 am (on a bathroom trip after going to bed) that this is something deep on my mind. I get so much peace by each of your new and additional replies here. I can already tell by the direction that each of you are leaning (as well as my own heart) that I need to make complete amends to my sponsor for me even questioning his loyalty to me. He screwed up and that's it. Sure, I would have liked to have told "Bob" myself at some point on my own terms but me worrying about what "Bob" feels is way in the back-seat to my own recovery and as well my relationship with my sponsor whose help that he gives me far outweighs this miniscule mishap. As well, my sponsor doesn't need any additional drama in his own recovery--and knowing him, he is just as sick about the accident as I am. Yes, "I will move on" and concentrate on my own positives and put this on the shelf as another day in the past of my "one day at a time." Thank you all for spending your valuable recovery time helping me! It proves that "It works if you work it!" Deep Love! Lance
Reply to Twelvesteps: I know that your parents telling all those people must have set you back mentally like it did me! Hopefully this dialog has helped you through that experience like it has helped me. From the outside looking in to your situation, it appears to me that your parents are excited about having their sober child back. Its as if you went off to some foreign 3rd world country war with no communication and they wanted to throw a party because they and all their friends have m great happened to you because you are lookingissed the old you! I don't know if that comes close to what your parents are thinking but I can tell you that there are a lot of people that have missed the old sober me or the sober me they never knew and love this newly energized me! Those that I tell say things like, "I knew something had happened because you look so much more happier, healthier and glowing!" This truly is a new saved life un-wasted and I am enjoying the hell (or heaven I should say) out of it!
Hey Lance, In this situation I would definitely have to pray and know that I have been forgiven and defintely would forgive.Whether it would affect my relationship with my sponsor or not would take time for me to really "go inside" and make sure even though I say I have forgiven I dont find myself holding resentments,not trusting and alienating myself from my sponsor .A sponsors primary purpose is to help us "work" that means learn and we apply ,the spiritual principles of the steps in our actions and deeds of our lives.Are you able to do that? Only you can answer some of the "inside" questions"I can only say ,for me, If I was 'LET GO" for every error in judgement I have made,I sure would be a lonely dude!!! :) Anyway thanks for sharing, its how WE learn to work things out rather than abrupt reactions ,our first line while 'in the grip'. What sticks out to me is his Honesty, the antidote to our diseased thinking.Would it have been much worse if you heard it first from your partner before your sponsor??When we work toward a solution and not dwell on the problem we find it easier to move forward. In support and prayer
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Lance, do you believe your sponsor is a good person? Do you believe he has what you want? Do you think he is capable of leading you through your spiritual journey and the steps? If so than you have accepted what happened and you will move past it soon.
Since you do seem to want to forgive, perhaps that was the lesson in this for you.....along with other things about worrying about what people you don't like or care for think of you (one of my personal problems).
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
my relationship with my sponsor is built on trust..she has proven over time to be completely trustworthy. She would never violate my anonyminity ect. This was important to me..Whats important to you? cause it does matter what is important to you.
My sponsor and I talked some more yesterday and then we both prayed for guidance. The profound thought that I have had from God since then is that I needed a challenge in my life to contemplate and address. I am still making amends with people (and probably will be for some time.) I have not made amends with "Bob" yet. Even though I have been waiting for "my" terms and time, the reality is that it needs to be on "God's" terms and time and He's telling me, through my sponsors honest mistake, its time for me to address my issues with "Bob".
I have struggled with my selfishness and "turning over my will and my life over to the care of God". I truly believe this has been an example of God helping me with steps 3, 5 & 9. In retrospect, the issue with my sponsor is petty compared to the power of God in my AA step work and my healing! How amazing it truly is!
Thanks again for your responses. With out you all, I would have never drawn this conclusion on my own. God bless you all!
PinkChip - here's my answers to your questions: PinkChip: Do you believe your sponsor is a good person? Do you believe he has what you want? Lance: Yes. he's a god man and completely educated in his mind and spirit to AA. PinkChip: Do you think he is capable of leading you through your spiritual journey and the steps? Lance: I have asked the Lord to answer if my sponsor is the one that can help my start and sustain me through my life's journey of recovery. I have determined through this discussion as well as my answered prayers, a single mistake is not going to make me re-neg on who the Lord has given me for a sponsor; he's a great man! My selfish self has been stomped down!
Hey, I would be pissed too if this happened to me.
Its certainly okay to be angry and cautious, but I wouldnt wanna be that way forever.
Sometimes ppl make mistakes, and if we dont forget, forgive and move on we then stay stuck in the problem.
The way I see it, the problem is over .... the cat is out of the bag. Let the cat go, get on with your life, your sobriety, your relationships, and whatever else ya got goin on.
If you trusted your sponsor from the get go and have worked the steps with Him and continue to confide in him, then this aint no biggy.
Thanks Happy Camper - as noted, that's where I'm at. There obviously a higher power at work here because thee any feeling that I initially had has been taken away from me. It's a true testimont to me that Step 6 (like all the steps) "works if you work it."
Love! Lance
