why is this so hard...

hellokitty1978 · Newbie

why is this so hard...

Lance Romance · Member

I am praying for you. Only God can help you help you and you have to really want to help yourself... Sincerely and from the bottom of your heart, turning off all distractions (to include your computer), ask for God's love to fill your desire for everything worldly and for peace from your withdrawals. Then be quiet, wait and if nothing happens, do it again. I am going to go to my quiet place and ask for God to help you as well. Anyone who reads this, especially those who have had a 12th step experience and know what I am talking about, please pray for this soul as well. God bless you! Lance

Fyne Spirit · MIP Old Timer

Kitty,
see a doctor about the withdrawals and do what the doc tells you. Withdrawals from alcohol can be life threatening. Then ring AA and ask for someone to come see you. If you don't know a doctor, maybe the AAs will know of one who understands alcoholism. In my limited experience alcoholism is a little different to addictions to other substances. It is a cunning, baffling, powerful foe against which we appear to have no effective mental defense. While it might be possible to consciously battle a substance addiction, fighting the cravings, always aware that we are trying to quit, where alcohol is concerned this determination seems to just vanish. we find our selves drinking for the most trivial of reasons, like it would be nice to have a drink, only to find once we have had that first one the phenomenon of craving kicks in and we are off on another bender. At least that's how it is for alcoholics of my type, the beyond human aid variety. After you have called your doctor and AA, you could do worse than follow Lance's advice. Many a recovered alcoholic has reported a significant spiritual experience in just the same circumstances as you are now.
God bless,
Mike.

rrib · Senior Member

Follow this this http://www.aa.org/?Media=PlayFlash and look under the tab 'How to Find A.A. Meetings'. If you call the phone number listed closest to where you live, a volunteer will help you find an AA meeting near you.

In some towns the number is a 'hot line' staffed by volunteers 24/7. In other towns the number might only be staffed during regular business hours. If they don't answer right away, try again. Or leave a call-back number.

Get through today. Going to meetings can help you not pick up that 1st drink again. You never have to have another day like today.

hellokitty1978 · Newbie

thank you so much...i have tried to do this a hundred times, but i kept telling myself as long as i am functioning and getting stuff done i really don't have a problem right. this coming may will be my 5 year anniversary for kicking cocaine in the butt. last night i was suffering...today i'm just really disappointed in myself. i have a beautiful family and an amazing career that's really taking off...why do i need this crutch so desperately?!?!?!? i did call my doctor and she gave me very specific instructions that i am following to the letter. i have never been a very spiritual person, and right now it's even harder for me to be spiritual. i know i should stop having a pity party for myself, but it's just too hard to look at my husband and say i have a problem will you help me please. i really want to do it, in my heart i know i need to do it, but my mind keeps telling me how much i want the alcohol. i'm scared to even leave the house right, because there is a liquor store right down the street. i'm even more scared of meetings and being judged by others.

rrib · Senior Member

I know. It was hard for me to go to that '1st' meeting too. Even though it wasn't my 1st meeting anymore. I had gone before years earlier. I don't know why it's like that. Maybe because it's one thing to sit around the house and tell myself maybe there's a problem. It's something else to actually get dressed and show up somewhere.

It's OK tho. We are all in the same boat. Everyone else was at a meeting for the 1st time once too. I can assure you - probably none of us showed up by accident! LOL

Lance Romance · Member

God bless you. You are goin g to make it! I know it's hard to find a spiritual means but there has to be something bigger than youself helping you. I really wish you could ask your husband but it sounds difficult in your situation. Do you want someone to talk to? I would be willing, you are welcome to call me so I can give you my experience if that will help. It would be better for you to talk with another female, specifically a married woman if you can find one. It's up to you... In the mean time, I will certainly pray for you!

Lance

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Hellokitty, I've been there, halucinations and all. You only have to get clean once, then remember why you did and what it felt like. There's quite a few people in here that are years to decades clean and sober, and we had to be where you are now. It sucks and we feel your pain. Hang in there, it only lasts a couple of days.

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

Kitty, please get to a meeting. None of us could do this alone. You will feel so much relief when you finally go. And of all people that would just you...a bunch of alcoholics with the same problems as you in a meeting? No. In fact it's the opposite. The program thrives off newcomers and we need people like you to come to meetings to help us stay sober. Part of what keeps us locked in disease is that we don't know how to ask for help. It's okay to get help from both people and from your higher power.

In relation to why it is so hard to kick the alcohol...It's more addictive physically than cocaine. While it's legal to use, the actual addiction is more intense and the withdrawal is more dangerous. You can only die from withdrawal from 2 drugs: benzos and alcohol.

mark

-- Edited by pinkchip on Wednesday 7th of September 2011 11:18:35 AM

gonee · MIP Old Timer

I just hung on to the truths in the AA book and despite myself, I got well. I took whatever help I could find. Even my critics became my benefactors. Meetings & the 12 steps of AA is what got me sober and continues to do so. I had to belief that it would do so. I started with blind faith, because I had no where else to go. I went to AA out of desperation but I stayed on because I grew to love it.

Jerry F · MIP Old Timer

Aloha Kitty...reminding me of the definition of alcoholism I learned when first getting into recovery..."a complusion of the mind and an allergy of the body." Took me a long time finally doing all I had to do to put the compulsion to bed and then keeping it there by going to meetings, reading as much literature that I could...(BB of course) and repeating it over and over and over. Created a new habit which still works. Your husband doesn't know what you're up against and isn't or doesn't have the solution unless he is in AA and then that is only one solution. Find as many as you can that will help you gain and maintain your sobriety and work them. Keep coming back here too. (((((hugs))))) smile

happycamper · MIP Old Timer

HI Kitty, welcome!

Please, for your own safety and health, get to some AA meetings.

I will promise you 2 things .......
#1. If you stop drinking, work the AA program and stay sober, your life is gonna get SO much better!
#2. If you continue to drink, your life is gonna get worse ... guaranteed!!

Fyne Spirit · MIP Old Timer

gonee wrote:
I just hung on to the truths in the AA book and despite myself, I got well. I took whatever help I could find. Even my critics became my benefactors. Meetings & the 12 steps of AA is what got me sober and continues to do so. I had to belief that it would do so. I started with blind faith, because I had no where else to go. I went to AA out of desperation but I stayed on because I grew to love it.

Me too! That describes my experience to a tee!

Mike.

hellokitty1978 · Newbie

thank you all so much...i'm at the end of day three right now. the sweats and mood swings are vicious, but my doctor is monitoring me. my husband is being so caring and i have reached out to my mom who has been my biggest supporter since day one of my cocaine addiction as well. i know i should go to meetings, but i am really going out on a limb starting here first. i have so many doubts in so many things and it's hard for me to trust many people even if they are there to help. trust me i've been debating on posting on the message board for months...i know i will make that leap, but first i want to make sure i have everyone in my life aware of my situation. i really have an amazing life on the outside and this terrible crutch on the inside that no one knows about. i am always honest with my friends (once i have known them for quite some time) about my former addiction and they haven't left my side yet. i'm a closet, full functioning, alcoholic...full time student, full time wife and mother, full time hair stylist. i just want to make sure that i have an amazing support group completely surrounding me before i come face to face with a whole room staring me in the face while i ball my eyes out. am i crazy to think that way?

rrib · Senior Member

It will get easier. May I suggest a little reading?

You can find an on-line copy of The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous here http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_tableofcnt.cfm

And you might want to start reading about the 1st and 2nd steps in this book http://www.aa.org/twelveandtwelve/en_tableofcnt.cfm , A.A.'s Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions.

In face to face meetings, the discussion usually revolves around people's personal experience with working the 12 steps. Or people are invited to suggest a topic.

When you do get to a meeting, the person leading the meeting may ask if it is anyone's 1st time ever to an A.A. meeting. If you or someone else answers 'yes', they will probably hold whats called a '1st step' meeting.

During a '1st step' meeting people will talk about A.A.'s 1st step and a little bit about how they came to A.A. You'd most likely be invited to briefly say what made you decide to come. If you don't feel like talking, that's OK and can just 'pass'.

Mr_David · MIP Old Timer

hellokitty1978 wrote:
thank you all so much...i'm at the end of day three right now. the sweats and mood swings are vicious, but my doctor is monitoring me. my husband is being so caring and i have reached out to my mom who has been my biggest supporter since day one of my cocaine addiction as well. I have an amazing support group completely surrounding me. Thanks...to you all
That's great to hear Kitty. We'll be praying for you.

Lance Romance · Member

HelloKitty - Just so you know, no one is forces to speak at meetings. My sponsor even told me that for the first 90 days, unless I am really inspired to, that I should just listen to others. There are people that are called on "sometimes" that don't wish to talk and simply say, "I'm just here to listen." Everyone respects that and someone else is immediately called on without hesitation. All said, go when you are comfortable but please go as soon as you can. You ready have done the two hardest things: 1) admitting you have an uncontrollable problem 2) quit! That said, and I'm not pushing you and go at your own pace, it is very important for you to start hearing that there are soooooooooo many others that are just like you! God bless and keep going everyday, "One Day at a Time!" Deep Love - Lance

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

Kitty - No you are not crazy to think the way your are. I used to think that way. It is just an unhelpful way of thinking. Your perception of AA is different than what it is. The room will not be staring at your and judging you. They will be feeling for you and wanting to help you. Also, you have described wanting to build up a support network before immersing yourself into a program that is essentially a support network. That does not make sense. This will take a leap of faith and it will feel uncomfortable, but you stand to gain so much. Don't wait until it gets even harder and you get sicker.

You described a host of "trust issues" for not being involved in recovery yet. Kitty - you know that these "trust issues" are not working for you. Some of them ARE your disease of alcoholism masquerading as what you think is your personality and the disease is dong that to keep you sick. I often hear people saying sponsorship or AA doesn't work for them because they have trust issues or whatever... My answer to that is that I don't understand why anyone would want to hold on to dysfunctional and life limiting/crippling trust issues as opposed to taking a leap of faith and changing...?

Yes, it will feel wrong to go out to that meeting and start treating your alcoholism through AA. Much of early sobriety involves doing what may "feel wrong" but what you KNOW is right.

Don't cling to sickness out of fear and insecurity. We all did that too long and you don't have to do it any more. The key to letting yourself out of the prison of suffering is here. You just have to reach out and take it.

Mark

(P.S. - truly saying a prayer for you right now because none of us can make you do the AA footwork. Hopefully enough has been said by us that you will give the actual program a try). It works - This is from a person with 2 masters degrees in psychology that was so sure he could and should be able to handle and stop drinking on his own but also had to come to AA waving a figurative white flag and saying "Alcohol kicked my ass. Please help me." If I could do it, so can you.

Mark (again)