Urghhhh, are you kidding me with the sponsor thing again??? I have been sober for 3 1/2 weeks for the umpteenth time in maybe 6 years. My relapses have never been related in any way to bad sponsorship but let's put it this way, I've never had been able to pick out healthy relationships and it's no different in my sponsor choices.
My 1st sponsor some 6 years ago convinced me that watching her kids qualified as aa "service". When I became indignant and requested payment after a week, she dropped me and stopped coming to meetings.
I broke up with my current sponsor of 9 months last night after the following texts:
Me-"Oh my God, I am so upset. My family thinks I stopped talking to them because they wouldn't lend me money and they don't realize it's because of______. And I don't know what to do. I'm so sad. I can't call them because....!!!"
Sponsor-"Ya, we'll get together this week sometime."
Now this is just one instance. I have 5 or 6 other Sponsor stories that are just variations on the above. Do I really, really, really have to have a sponsor?
I haven't been able to keep sober for more than 6 weeks and this time I have made several huge changes in what I was doing before. This time, I have really surrendered, gone into treatment, taking antibuse and am working my ass off to hook up with Jesus. I have learned everything I can about relapse and am doing everything I can to avoid it. Will it kill me not to have a freakin sponsor?
Nobody HAS to have a sponsor, nor do you have to put up with people shoving it down your throat. Good sponsors, when they sponsor the way sponsorship works in AA (see the brochure), are valuable, especially for long term relapse prevention. For me, it is about the quality and honesty of the relationship...not something I "must" have "just because". Issues with sponsors also should not become an excuse to nurture anger/stinking thinking about the steps/AA either--that is a slippery slope. Might be a good topic to put out at a live discussion meeting.
Jen, try picking a sponsor that scares the **** out of you, not one that would make a good friend. In other words, if your picker is broken, try picking someone that you're not attracted to.
What LinBaba said -- it sounds like maybe you are expecting too much from a sponsor. Obviously, yeah, somebody shouldn't be asking you to do ridiculous things like watching their kids (!?!?!) but you should also be saving non-recovery drama for your therapist, friends (in and out of recovery) and your home group. Not that a sponsor can't be supportive in those instances, but you also shouldn't rely on him/her for that sort of thing. As to whether you need a sponsor to help you work the steps, all I know is that sponsorship has been invaluable to me in that respect and I wouldn't have really understood how to work the steps without her providing me with writing exercises, feedback, advice based on her own experience with the steps, etc.
Couple things you can do 1st...read the literature P-15 Questions and Answers onSponsorship FROM WORLD at www.A.A.org.,many people have their own ideas on sponsorship,you can read what the literature talks about.
Are you working steps with any of your sponsors?(or have been)?
A sponsor is and alcoholic who has made some progress in the recovery program who shares that experience on a continual individual basis with another attemping to maintain sobriety. Sponsorship is an unwritten and informal but basic part of the A.A aproach to recovery from alcoholism thru the 12 steps.
There are many different ways of "one helping another'(even the group is a general sponsor) but I have found ,for me,self-sponsor does not work, IT was very hard seeing my own self deception..
I personally sit down first when someone asks me to sponsor them and have a very loosely formed format(conversation),that is ,first and foremost basing our relationship on working in the solution(our steps) secondly my availabilty(for example anytime you are ready to pick up call, otherwise,calling me and I will get back to you in a time that I can, we talk of making meetings,the seriousness of anonymity(not carrying your stuff outside our conversations,explaining that you must be careful of what you tell me because I will not break the law in cases of child abuse,murder etc...,have never come to that yet!!!) and many other things I have found helpful before things take place,not after.It is not the way my sponsor works with me but relationships are just that and they work best for me and my sponsees when we have an understanding of how we both approach the relationship.This is my stuff and the guidelines in the literature will show varied scenarios. I agree with Lee, dont let any resentments put you off seeking to pray and "listen" for a sponsor ,it will happen if you are diligent.Though there is nothing really set in stone it would be difficult if not impossible to get from someone something they didnt have in other words ,they should be far enough ahead of you to share the "spiritual principles" that they have worked with their sponsors....I have seen many times sponsees exceeding the steps of their sponsors and moving on to those who have worked the steps they havent..just makes sense..Anyway,hang in there,try different meetings maybe you'll hear something you will want.(dont beat yourself up over "bad picks")For me ,I truly believe the steps are the "solution" I tried self sponsorship early on and it was useless.....will not having a sponsor kill you?,will your continued lifestyle of relapse and devastion kill you?Seems to also be invaluable to have someone,living in sobriety ,applying spiritual principles in their own lives and actions of, showing the way,our best thinking got us where it did,I'll keep that on me...Keep coming back okay WE are here for each other,no judgement,no big I's or little U's just people working a process,daily,to remain in sobriety.Stick around okay!!!
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
I didn't think AA was gonna work for me because I'd been to AA before and there I was drunk. So I signed up to see a shrink. I'd made up my mind to do whatever he said to 'cure' my drinking problem.
He said "Rich, keep coming back here if you'd like but I can't help you with your drinking problem because I'm not a drunk myself. If you're really SERIOUS about not wanting to drink anymore, I suggest you go back to AA and give it an honest try"
When I went back to AA meetings that day, what changed for me was I started to listen. I haven't had a drink since.
My 1st sponsers didn't work out but after about a year I found a sponser I could tolerate who told me "Do whatever you need to do to not pick up a drink TODAY! And someday you'll turn around are realize you've become an old fart."
I like what Alcoholics Anonymous World Services has to say in their phamphlet about sponership. "In A.A., sponser and sponsored meet as equals just as Bill and Dr. Bob did. Essentially, the process of sponsorship is this: An alcoholic who has made some progress in the recovery program shares that experience on a continuous, individual basis with another alcoholic who is attempting to attain or maintain sobriety through A.A."
We're all in the same boat here. Keep coming back.
-- Edited by rrib on Sunday 4th of September 2011 10:51:24 PM
My first sponsor was 15 years sober before his untimely death. He was a kind and gentle soul with many wonderful qualities that I came to admire. He had a positive yet daring outlook on life and a quiet easygoing demeanor, which made recovery that much easier. He also had a good sense of humor, a infectious "can do" attitude and a good working knowledge of the steps. He was to me an inspiration, and a person well known for grounding his sponsee's in the principles of AA.
My current sponsor has similar traits but a totally different approach to working the program. He has more of a spiritual vibe and can talk for hours on the importance of developing a spiritual based recovery program. He has instructed me thoroughly in the area of spiritual enlightenment, and how to develop a realtionship with our higher power, beyond the scope of AA. I've personally thanked him for his guidance and dedication over the years, and probably wouldn't of had the pleasure of enjoying this sober life as I do now, without his ongoing support of course. That, my friend, is something I'm most grateful for, even today.
Here is my point...I had certain criteria in mind that I thought was relevant before I searched for my next sponsor, but all that worrying caused me to fluctuate in sobriety and not flourish as I should. My sponsor is not perfect and either am I; we were made for each other and our first encounter was evidence of that. He had what I wanted, a spiritual swagger about him, that not only proved the existance of higher power, but more importantly how to fulfil their divine purpose for our lives. He had patience and tolerance for everyone and worked hard on becoming a responsible sober member of AA, not the ego centered ones I was accustomed too for so long. He has been a great friend in sobriety for 7+ years now and I hope he will be there to the very end.
Don't be afraid to take a chance, my friend, regardless how others might respond. They say in AA: "when the student is ready, his teacher will arrive". Maybe not a teacher, but at least a mentor; A person that can bring a smile, a sense of compassion and a jovial spirit to our lives, especially when we need it the most.
~God bless~
-- Edited by Mr_David on Monday 5th of September 2011 01:36:41 AM
Welcome to the MIP forum. Hope you keep coming back!
I agree with a lot that has already been said, it's good that you don't blame your not staying sober. From my ESH, here is my suggestion:
1. Ask a women with good AA knowledge and fundementals to "help you work the steps", be accountable to them for your progress and other aspects of your program only. (don't involve her much with other personal issues).
2. Find other women in the group to discuss the other drama with if needed (maybe this forum can help).
Sometimes it might be best to separate sponsorship and personal relationship for awhile.
Hope this can help.
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
I actually know of several women who have men for sponsors, simply because they were not able to get hooked up with a female sponsor they could work with. That's not generally a good idea for really obvious reasons... but in these cases it has been very successful.
I wouldn't want to sponsor a woman, if someone asked me I'd probably just make some suggestions to get to more meetings and they'd eventually find someone. There are good female sponsors out there but for some reason, harder to find. Maybe it's just demographics, AA is still about 75% male in most meetings.
When my daughter first tried to get sober, several people suggested this or that person for her, who promtly blew her off. When she did get sober 5 years later, she went through several sponsors. One was really active in the program... sponsored multiple people, was a meeting starter. My daughter really liked her. Except she could never get the time of day out of this woman. She'd try to talk to her at a meeting and she'd say "call me". Which she would do, and get her answering machine and... no return call.
She was probably sober 8 years before she found a good sponsor, and I guess you could say she didn't "need" a sponsor by then but she still worked the steps and she got a lot out of the relationship. Even when she moved away from there, she kept in touch for a while.
I guess I got lucky, but it seemed easy. At my first meeting I was surrounded by guys with anywhere from 1 year to 10 years sober. I liked a lot of them, but one kind of stood out. I asked him to be my sponsor and he said he'd be my temporary sponsor... and he was my "temporary sponsor" for the next 15 years until he passed away (sober). He was someone I could relate to, but we weren't friends in the sense that we did stuff together. We went to meetings, and he dragged me to a lot of them, for a while he just got me to meet as many sober alcoholics as possible, maybe thinking I'd find a sponsor I liked better. But I just stuck with him, officially.
Of course I feel like I've used many people as sponsors. And that's what my first sponsor showed me, not to put anyone on a pedestal. I saw some guys I knew with 7, 8 years whose 15 year sober sponsor went back out... and in... and out... and roles were reversed.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that my experience, and my observations of the sponsor-sponsee relationship is that it's dynamic and always changing. I don't think it would have worked for me to get my AA teaching from one person alone. That's why we have meetings. Every one of us will discover that our sponsors, like ourselves, and like every other AA member is human. In fact, no matter what our achievements, the best we can ever be is human.
I would keep trying Kitty. With each sponsor relationship, while trying and difficult, you are learning more about boundaries and how to receive help and what you want and don't want in social relationships. It's not bad. Just like sobriety, don't give up on sponsorship just yet cuz there could be a great teacher for you right around the bend.
With that said, I agree with Lin Baba that your focus should be primarily on the steps and you need to give folks your number and make lots of friends in AA to share your life concerns with. Sponsors can get overwhelmed too.
I used to get very angry with my sponsor when he didn't meet my needs. It took a while for me to realize that person was volunteering to help me free of charge and I needed to be a little more empathic and less needy (not saying for sure that is what's going on with you).
It you don't have a sponsor, I highly recommend you just hook up with someone to check in with...like an accountability buddy in the program that you call regularly. It will help you to not slip backwards while you look for someone that truly has what you want.
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Thanks so much for the answers! This is why I love AA, people care about one another and help each other. 12 step stuff, amazing.
I realized it really hurt my heart when I fired my sponsor. I really loved her like a family member and realizing that she wasn't the best sponsor for me hit me like a ton of bricks last night and I cried for the 1st time in a long time. Gross.
So today I decided to request a sponsor from Intergroup. I filled out a form and turned it in to my counselor. I was told that people who sponsor through Intergroup are serious about being sponsors and know what it's all about. This is the way I will learn what it is really all about.
I certainly appreciate all the comments and suggestions here. Many thanks!!!
