Just when things were going so well an' all. one of them little fluffy bunnies has crawled out from under the bed and kicked me in the emotional balls.
Stuff i'm handling OK so far? Changes to work procedures, losing the business needs car, buying a car, broken down bike, divorce stuff, big brother not well (emphysema), heavy workload, others perception of my attitude at work (I say I'm straightforward and inspiring, they see me as blunt and direct) which affects my performance rating which affects potential pay awards, being handed a failing project, being handed 10 people to manage..........the list could go on and on.
the bunny? A daft little song that came out in december 2005, that I bought on CD for my then 13 year old son. Caught a snatch of it on the radio tonight,just had to find it on youtube (Nizlopi - JCB Song - if you are, were, have or had a dad, it will bring a tear to your eye.) My soon (but not bleedin' soon enough) to be ex wife, threw it back at me in january 2006..
Now, I've got good at turning clouds inside out to find the silver lining. the song makes me think of my lad.......we had some good times, went camping, road trips on the bike, sea kayaking, fishing.............so he doesn't want owt to do wi me today, this might change in the future who knows..........I've made direct amends and am making living amends by staying sober and staying out of his life............and sometimes I just need to let them old tears roll..........thank you God for helping me to laugh again, but never let me forget why I cried................James John Gilbert Drury, I love you son, I'm proud of you and I miss you, and I am privelidged to have shared your life for near on 14 years..............one day maybe, eh?
feel better for that. thans for listening.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
Keep the faith Bill...This is one project that HP ideals in from my experiences. I've been in this particular story myself with 3 of them younger connected male types and 1 female. They find me "different" than the picture they once use to stare at with imagination. Living with their Mom full time for so many years set them up and now they have had their Dad in their lives who walks to a tune they've not heard before.
The connection today is "acceptance...complete and total without condition" and that is the definition of love and for me sometimes it's better that I'm away from the lot.
When the bunny sneaks out from under the bed...put your hands over your crotch.
Hi Bill Thank you so much for sharing. They say God never gives us more than we can handle in one day. I get tripped up with the odd musical thing that I relate to my late wife, just sort of brings the grief back, and the memories, I wonder how she's getting on in heaven, that's where she deserves to be. But she never knew me drinking, gave me two great kids, and so much more. When I first started on this journey, most of my family wanted nothing to do with me. Over the years all of the family(apart from sister and mother) have welcomed me back. I am not explaining my self very well, but over time and through the steps, the scars healed and foregiveness and love became the order of the day. I went to a family reunion last year, over a hundred in attendance and, becasue we came from the other end of the country to be there, they made a great fuss of us. About a year before I stopped drinking I invited many of them to my birthday party (booze up). Not one showed up. A very lonely time for me that was. But how things can change in this program! As Jerry says, keep the faith Bill, it will be alright.
The connection today is "acceptance...complete and total without condition" and that is the definition of love and for me sometimes it's better that I'm away from the lot.
When the bunny sneaks out from under the bed...put your hands over your crotch.
Simple solutions.
Ditto from me...
-- Edited by Mr_David on Thursday 18th of August 2011 03:38:12 AM
Tears and laughter, two of God's greatest gifts to us!!After 32 years ,I reunited with my older children(46/45)now, by remaining in sobriety and living my amends, there always remained hope, That hope today is pure joy..Thanks for sharing Bill,The Eagles still kill me with "Best of my Love",brings me right back to the room...my tears mingle with joy, yours will too......peace man........
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
I am right there with you bill, I think for a few moments that I'm making progress, moving past all the emotional and mental twist of the life I had, letting go of the yuk that followed me out of it, and then whamy! There it is again, being played out between my ears, and traveling the 18 inches to the heart, and the pain and all that it encompasses take hold again, and I'm hurting at the core one more time.
I know I need to cry. I want to cry and release it from me. But my tear ducts seem to have been shut down for years, but while the tears may not flow on the outside they are pouring down in a flood on the inside.
I am working towards letting go, I am working towards staying present to God, and I'm working toward faith that God is present and available to me..,.
And I am still breathing and still sober... so something besides me is at work behind the scenes... this is all I know any more.
Ah John. a friend asked me why do I hold back on the tears. I said 'cos they'll not stop, never stop. They will he said, let them go, they're just the tears you squashed with drink. I did, they stopped eventually. Sometimes youjust gotta let them tears roll before you implode.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
Hey Bill, I got sober when my son was 2 years old. He doesn't remember any of my drinking. I tried hard not to practice alcoholic parenting. I had two alcoholics for parents (so I know what it looked like) and attended ACOA for several years early on. I was the best single parent that I could be, and a damned good one. Could go on and on about my efforts, but you get the idea. My 24 years old son, for 5 years now, has not answered or returned many of my phone calls. Rarely hear from him on holidays, birthdays, father's day... Never gotten a card or letter. This stuff was happening while I was supporting him in College, helping him get a car, lending him one of my motorcycles this year, while continuing to correspond (through the mail) on his birthday/holidays ect... It's pretty frustrating and, without thinking, I tend to blame myself but it's not my stuff, it's his. That doesn't make it less painful. The only thing that helps is thinking about how/where I was at, at his age. And how I felt/treated my father (much the same way). It's karma for me I guess, irregardless of the efforts I made to correct this multi-generational disease. It also appears that he may be dabbling in mood altering as well. I'm powerless over that and his behavior and I have a life (and a damned good one) to lead. I will continue to lead by example and hope that he gets it.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Sunday 21st of August 2011 07:51:33 AM
