I keep getting small and fleeting glimpses of peace and something more... Like God really loves me and has me. I say to Him at these sweet times, "this is nice, but when is the other shoe gonna drop?" I know I always turned my back on AA and God and love in the past and maybe that is where my fear is coming from that this Deep Hope and glimps of peace won't be permanent. There is a near constant gnawing in my gut that I ought not feel "good" for too long as it won't be long before the bad happens. I feel like I am a little kid that is given time to have fun and that I am the grown up that says to me the little kid-STOP HAVING FUN. Why can't I just let me alone to live. Just purely enjoy all that is good in this now that I am in. God releave me of the bondage of self....
I got a bit (a lot actually) from that adult in my head in another fellowship. I was fortunate to have two alcoholics for parents, one got sober 35 years ago and showed me the door to this place, and the other showed me what happens if you keep on drinking (massive stroke at 61 yo). John Bradshaw wrote that we have 30,000 hours of "unedited" parental tapes recorded in our memory. It was a relief to learn that I could discard a lot of that stuff and take what I needed. Not only is it helpful to learn how to be our own best friend but learning how to gently parent our inner child was key for this ACOA to find inner peace and happiness.
Good subject. Of course we will have obsticles in soberiety and things will not always be perfect. I remember having the same feelings of peace and good things happening in my life, when will it end? I didn't feel like this is normal or that I deserve this.
Like the book says, " we think our trouble where of our own making". I was always prone to sabotage anything good in my life and was great at manufacturing misery.
I can tell you, if you keep on the path you will come to accept peace in your life and the other shoe doesn't have to drop. Just need to get used to being alright with everything being alright, good things will happpen in your life, just graciously accept the gift and keep giving it away. I can tell you, the promises do come true if we work for them, accept them when they arrive.
Below is from page 131 in the BB
"We are sure God wants us to be happy, joyous, and free. We cannot subscribe to the belief that this life is a vale of tears, though it once was just that for many of us. But it is clear that we made our own misery. God didn't do it. Avoid then, the deliberate manufacture of misery, but if trouble comes, cheerfully capitalize it as an opportunity to demonstrate His omnipotence."
Hope this helps, enjoy the journey!
Rob
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
Thanks...for the topic. The "awe" of sobriety has many "yet" to discover moments where everything seems anew once again. Life seems to come full circle as the stabilizing effects of our active alcoholism slowly wears off. When those pink clouds do start to dissipate, however-which they will, we start experiencing all those "unstable emotions" that can cause us to question everything, including sobriety. The only thing that can guard our hearts and mind through it all, is the "radical transformation" that's going on despite ourselves. This transformation, is the key to lasting sobriety and it starts the day "We" surrender totally.
You talked about the other shoe falling and how that "gnawing feeling" in your gut doesn't feel so right. Something, I'm all too familar with. Rob said it so eloquently though and I'm quoting here: "I can tell you, if you keep on the path you will come to accept peace in your life and the other shoe doesn't have to drop". How true...here's the dilemma though; we sometimes "feel" unworthy of such love. And that's where the program comes in...
Sometimes, we experience this heavy feeling that seems to hang over us, like we're somehow trapped behind the pantomime of "self" doubt and our own insecurities; as we hide under a cleverly disguised fortress of denial and shame. We sometimes suffer from the so called "tight locked" syndrome, instead of coming clean about our past as we should. Something, I know all too well. I too, had the unfortunate reality of coming to grips with a past that was riddled with the shame of a very abusive father figure who told me constantly "you'll never amount to anything". That was the knot in my stomach that would never go away as well. When I finally dealt with the emotional hangovers of life -mainly, my fathers abuse, I started to "feel" loved as I should. The other shoe did not drop as expected, because God's love was beginning to unfold like it should. I felt true love after doing the "steps" and haven't looked back since -thanks be to God. I hope the same can be said for you -ODAAT.
Oh...one last thing. Knocking down the walls and allowing love to re-enter our lives is not easy -but necessary- if we are to experience life as we should. We must not only start this process of "recovery" but also start the process of "recovering" as well. Recovering, from whatever has shackled us to the bottle from the beginning. That's when our recovery starts to unfold and our new life begins...again. I hope you experience lasting sobriety for many years to come -my friend, as you should. Be well -my friend, and be happy.
~God bless~
-- Edited by Mr_David on Friday 12th of August 2011 12:30:05 AM
I look for people's outsides to make my insides make sense especially when something I cannot really identify is going on internally. The outward happiness and peace I see at meetings looks a little like it. I find myself pulled toward God in such a personal way that it seems only I will be able define it by allowing it to be. I want it to be real and never go away. I am really beginning to feel and think that God really does love me personally. All of me! Thanks guys.
For me, and it didn't happen overnite, I thank God, my Higher Power always,for "everything" the joys and victories ,the trials and defeats. It is truly only thru God's grace and mercy that I am still here to partake in any of it .For that I am truly grateful.The pain will come,through daily work on our spiritual condition,we can get through.Today I am who I am because of who I used to be.I say I am an alcoholic first before my name,because if I don't remember what I am ,who I am aint gonna matter.based on the evidence.......(my stuff)
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
In my early sobriety the whole "inner child" thing was popular and it was occasionally bleeding into the rooms of AA. Being both Alanon and AA, my personality is split between an inner child run amuck and a scolding, judgmental adult that is always trying to impose his will on the child. Naturally they hate each other, the problem is both are me.
Anyway, having fun has never been a problem for me. Only when things get way out of hand does the bad-cop adult step in to clean things up and issue the lecture. I finally realized that my inner child was alive and well, and what I needed was a new inner adult that could teach the child responsibility and stop condemning.
That's one reason why I felt so out of place in Alanon, and so much at home in AA. Glumness doesn't work for me. If I'm glum it doesn't last long and I don't enjoy being surrounded by glumness.
I like the thread and the responses David especially your reading the body language of serenity in others. It's what I do also and I gravitate to those who walk the program. For me the shoe does drop again and again if it is a metaphor for "recovery tests". I also have to care for my spiritual condition when that does in order to have the outcomes I want after the "shoe" hits the floor. I also have to be keen about who's hand the shoe was in before it started it's fall. Many times it is my other shoe that has done the fall and I am reminded that this is my recovery, my life. I just very recently compulsively grabbed the shoe I thought was going to fall and then threw it to the floor myself. Back to step one...mis-management.
David, it takes time, practice, and constant effort for us to stay in the moment, and to feel comfortable in our skin. Just know you aren't alone in what you are feeling. The intensity of the thoughts and feelings will become less as time passes and you stay sober each day. You will establish a sober reference for what a "good day" is and what feels good and right for you at any given time. All the questioning and discomfort with my thoughts and emotions was very common in my first year of sobriety.
Of course you will have days where you don't feel as good as you do now. You don't need to worry about them because worry is a waste of imagination :) What you are feeling is the residue of living in alcoholic chaos. You expect more chaos all the time and are surprised when it doesn't come. Anyhow, when bad things do happen, you will respond better because you are sober and you will be amazed at what things you can handle without needing a drink as long as you stay close to AA and the lessons you learn there.
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
