If not obvious to others, my cutting back on meetings is causing the ego to grow too big. Too easily offended and feeling irritable, angry, and judgmental often. More meetings and more stepwork for me. Sponsor wants me to do 90 and 90 again. Hope to share some more ESH here and less BS.
Went to big book meeting this morning and gave my number out to a person that is currently homeless while waiting for a bed to a halfway house. He'd just gotten out of rehab, had no money and cried the whole meeting. I seem to have forgot that if I want to keep this sobriety, I have to really work a program and give it away F2F and live it in everything I do. Keep you all updated.
Mark
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Thanks Mark,in support and prayer,the monster will always hang around waitng to "seize the moment" True blessing when we can see and feel ourselves getting "close to the edge" and know there is a solution we just have to move toward it and remain teachable!!
__________________
Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Happens to the best of us kid, happens to the worst of us too (like me), you're one of us, and as such, we love you...no holds, no strings...just...love
yer our own very pink chip, and we can't do without you, so keep coming back, and about at 3 years was a GOOD time for me to revisit my steps with a different sponsor because "more had been revealed" my 3 year steps were shorter then my initial (2 trips) through the steps but 50x more revealing and more effective
__________________
it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
Great post Mark. I haven't posted here in some time, but your share hit the mark. I've been sober 15 years and have slacked off on meetings somewhat and the immediate, unfortunate result has been the return of unhealthy thinking. All of what you mentioned has creeped back in. in addition, I've begun to tear myself down as well - "You're an idiot, Mike... you don't deserve the things you have...how do can you possibly hold the job you have... you're a scrub... worthless...you should never be a dad... your wife should leave..."
Im sitting on the porch of a cabin in the mountains thinking that I'm a loser...
I was told more than a couple of times at lease along this journey that to be humble meant to be teachable. I found out in connection to that work that being the student crowds out my ego. Your attempts at EGO are not near as monsterous as others. Tell us how the 90X90 goes.
The good thing is that I don't have alcohol slips, but every few months, I do have emotional ones. I do have a mood disorder that I take meds for but it's not just that....It is tied up with working my program too. I do feel better since refocusing and being more active in AA. I knew I would.
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I applaud your honesty. We all go through this. It doesn't become apparent until we seem to have a couple conflicts going at once. Then we start to think "is it me?" lol. For myself it usually means that I've got some fear about something that I'm doing, getting ready to do, procrasinated about doing (impending doom). Then I pull that task or issue out and try and solve it, or defuse it with "whats the worst case scenario....". Don't don't sweat the small stuff...It's all small stuff.
Truly it is all small stuff Dean....When I think about how I used to come home to the lights and water being off and how my condo was in forclosure and what not....my problems these days are gold plated ones.
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
