Gotta tell on myself

SteveP · MIP Old Timer

Gotta tell on myself

SUSIE · Senior Member

When I start acting intolerant like that i feel like i am taking the program for granted. A very scary thing to do. Your not alone in this. This is just what I know about me. I hit the gratitude list hard and try to put myself in others shoes. :)

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

Those annoy me at times too, but then I remember to be grateful that I am not constantly relapsing and living in denial. Also, I have found that sometimes those feelings mean it's time to find a meeting where there are more old timers so I can hear a different message or some sort of wisdom I need at the time.

Tony A · Member

Very nice Steve! "dobbing ourselves in" doesn't come naturally at first, but is incredibly liberating. First I had to become AWARE of what I'd done wrong before I could own up to anything, and I thank AA for that. I have abandoned focusing on 'the differences', and am comforted and inspired by the similarities!!!

THANKS Steve, AA, and the internet! Tony A.

Jerry F · MIP Old Timer

Aloha Steve...I know that sucky situation also...all to well and what keeps me humble and in my seat is knowing the consequences if I take a dump all over my recovery. Way to much to loose without a guarantee that I get another run at sobriety. There isn't anyone else in the program that is responsible for my recovery. Nothing they are, say or do or don't say, aren't or don't do. I am responsible. I've learned to go shake the hands and give hugs at the end of the meeting to those guys I respond to with being restless, irritable and discontented...I owe them and I owe them a "keep coming back" also. smile

Mr_David · MIP Old Timer

Hi Steve,

Thanks for your honesty. I had -on some rare occasions- been to an "AA" meeting where the mere mention of "this" or "that" got my blood boiling as well. The reasoning behind my meltdown varied, but the voice of "AA" prevailed in the end -as always. It all came down to this; "what was wrong with me", not someone else. I had taken exception to what was said, and did so on numerous occasions, even though I knew full well what the consequences would be. It affected me more than anyone else and more importantly "my sobriety" as well. So, what did I do? I brought it back to AA, thats what. And thats where the tenth step comes in.

The 10th step talks about a "spiritual axiom" and how we can become "deeply disturbed". When we do, there's something wrong with us. That's how the "12 & 12" defines it. It goes on to say this: "Our actions are an outward manifestation of our inward spiritual condition, or lack of. Basically, when we're "deeply disturbed no matter what the cause there's something wrong with us"-Bottom line. The best defense to guard against those precarious feelings is to first, find the reason behind our struggles and then re-focus all our energies on a spiritual solution instead. A solution that can put our mind at ease, as we work out differences. You just did, and that's when the healing begins. The solution I found to be the most beneficial is one based on the tenets of "AA". A solution that's uplifting for me -in a spiritual sense of course, especially when I get upset. That's how it unfolded for me, time and time again. Thanks...to "AA".

I hope we all find a solution that can do for others -including yourself- as it does for me, one day at a time. A solution that restores, rejuvenates and instills peace to both my life and sobriety, for many years to come.

~God bless~

-- Edited by Mr_David on Friday 29th of July 2011 01:19:04 AM

SteveP · MIP Old Timer

Thanks each and every for the support. I know that this is something that I've gotta worth thru -- as Jerry has said, I'm the one who'll take a dump on my own recovery, not anyone elses and it's my responsibility.

Like pinkchip, those kinds of shares are great opportunities for gratitude. There is tremendous wisdom in those long shares by folks without any sobriety, even if it is not the kind of wisdom that the sharer thinks that they are sharing. They are showing exactly how I too can lose my sobriety. I should add that newcomers who are eager to share about how they've got it this time aren't the only ones feeling the wrath of my own perfection: people with a few years in who go on, repeating themselves, about everything under the sun can also incur my disapproval!

It's interesting as I know that I have this great ability to self-sabotage. Whenever something starts to go well, I'll do something, or not do something, such that I wreck it or make it go not as well as it could. It's been a pattern throughout my whole life. Drinking was just one example of that. All sort of other self-sabotaing behaviour include things like procrastination, not finishing things, impulsive behaviour, intolerance, resentment.

Thanks to you guys, right here, I've been able to see that there is some part of me that is trying to sabotage my own recovery with all or nothing thinking. It's along the lines of "this meeting is terrible. I'll never come back." Next thing you know, another meeting won't fit the bill, either, etc.

It's strange though, as I'd thought that I was starting to get into a good space yesterday. I'd had breakfast with a guy who has 21 years of sobriety and who is very successful and has other activities outside of AA. I'd then seen a therapist that I was starting to work with and came out of that feeling like maybe there was some hope for the other things that I need to reorient in my head. I'd cycled about 20 miles all told and was feeling overall pretty good.

And then, bang -- a speaker (admittedly who has over 30 years without a drink) who was supposed to speak for 20-25 minutes spoke for a hour, followed up by the 5-7 minutes sharers of all wisdom. And I'm nearly crawling the walls.

Yep, something definitely wrong with my spiritual condition. Time to try and fix it!

Thanks again all. I can't really explain just how supportive your words and experience are to my right now.

Steve

-- Edited by SteveP on Friday 29th of July 2011 02:46:30 AM

Frodo · MIP Old Timer

SteveP wrote:
lol, had a great one at my evening meeting just now. Lots of very long shares, including those of the 5 minute "I'm x days back in and have really got it nailed this time, this program really works" variety. Felt pretty pissed off at points and felt like walking out. Thankfully I didn't.
I really, I really, I really need that patience and tolerance -- it's been absent for a little while now. This is not the first time in the last few weeks or so when my pride, judgmentalism and intolerance is giving me resentment.

I guess the best thing to keep in mind is that most of the people in the rooms are still very sick, some more than others. I find that helps me be more tolerent. It's good that you are noticing it, though. It means the program is working for you because I'm guessing the old you wouldn't have cared one bit about having that mind set.

Jerry F · MIP Old Timer

Back again Steve and so very grateful for this thread and the followup from the membership and the feedback from this mornings "Attitude Adjustment" AA meeting.

I came back and reread this thread and the other ESH and revisited that part of my recovery which I closely watch for in a daily 10th step. "Where and when have I taken back control of my life and recovery from my Higher Power and what has the consequences been?" I re-heard the voice of an elder sponsor from long ago telling me "don't do anything to distrub anyone from getting the message of recovery" and there in I re-realized that what is being offered and how it is received and acted upon is a "God" thing; something I know absolutely nothing about and the only thing I have any hope of managing with help from the fellowship is my own program of recovery.

This morning 3 of my sponsees and former sponsees shared and I learned and I could hear God talk. Their voices were their own, our journeys have similarities and the hope is the same. Grateful, fully grateful for this entire journey.

smile

SteveP · MIP Old Timer

Thanks all again for this stuff. Worked with my sponsor again today on this and in fact attended two meetings, applying some of what he suggested. He said to pray for tolerance and patience. He said that he has to do that too.

Resentment gone. In fact, I'm in a bit of a WTF was I thinking phase now.

But it does not cease to amaze me just how cunning, baffling and powerful this disease is. Today and maybe just today, I've been able to pick up the tools and use them. That's included sharing with guys on here and learning from your ESH. And thanks to AA.

Steve

Mr_David · MIP Old Timer

Hi Steve,

I'm Glad you're feeling better. The tools of this program are tried, tested and true my friend, and your words are a testimony to that. Everyone has perservered through rough patches in their lives and have grown exponentially as a result. You're, just another example of that. Our lives can be transformed through the power of recovery services -like AA, and you've left us with a shinny example as to how. That, my friend is "how it works" in a nutshell -thanks be to God. I hope you continue to enjoy the fruits of this wonderful sober life for many years to come, ODAAT.

~God bless~

-- Edited by Mr_David on Saturday 30th of July 2011 01:18:21 PM

SteveP · MIP Old Timer

Mr_David wrote:
Hi Steve,
I'm Glad you're feeling better. The tools of this program are tried, tested and true my friend, and your words are a testimony to that. Everyone has perservered through rough patches in their lives and have grown exponentially as a result. You're, just another example of that. Our lives can be transformed through the power of recovery services -like AA, and you've left us with a shinny example as to how. That, my friend is "how it works" in a nutshell -thanks be to God. I hope you continue to enjoy the fruits of this wonderful sober life for many years to come, ODAAT.
~God bless~

-- Edited by Mr_David on Saturday 30th of July 2011 01:18:21 PM

Amen to that, thanks for the support and kind words, Mr David.

ODAAT.

Steve

-- Edited by SteveP on Sunday 31st of July 2011 03:04:21 PM