Welcome to "MIP"...

Thanks, for sharing your experience with us. I can certainly relate to your story and how deflated you feel.  Just about everything you mentioned struck a nerve with me, especially when you talked about the blackouts.

I, too was a blackout drinker with some interesting stories to tell. I had the "not so" distinct pleasure of waking up in some unusual places and with some interesting people as well.

My last adventure took me into the heart of Harlem, just before 11:00 p.m. How I got there from Upstate N.Y. is beyond me. It's just another example of my alcoholism gone amuck. Thank God, I don't have those worries anymore...not for today at least.

Anyway, welcome again to our little family here on "MIP". I hope you stick around long enough to realize your true potential, beyond the alcoholism of course. Please...keep connected and never give up hope. We won't, neither should you.  

~God bless~

-- Edited by Mr_David on Saturday 23rd of July 2011 10:05:03 PM

You don't say how much you're drinking, but if it's enough to cause some of the consequences you describe, it might be enough to cause you some pretty severe withdrawal symptoms. These can start within a few hours of last consumption and get to their worst in 3-5 days. They're almost impossible to overcome alone unless you're Hercules or Lance Armstrong or something. They can also be medically dangerous. I would STRONGLY urge you to contact your doctor and follow his / her advice to get through the early stages of this.

GOOD LUCK!

The thing is, I don't drink everyday.  I never feel the need to drink.  I just have a problem with stopping once I have that first drink.  I have gone weeks without drinking with no withdrawl symptoms.  I feel fine today, other than an overwhelming cloud of depression engulfing me.  I just need to learn how to avoid that first drink.  I am seeing a counselor and I have support from my boyfriend.  Maybe right now the only person preventing me from moving forward is me.

I didn't start out as a daily drinker either. I didn't have the craving at first, and could stop after '1 or 2 more than I should have had'. I learned that the problem wasn't how much or how often I drank, but what happened when i drank. Eventually it lead me to obsess about drinking. How, when, and where was I going to get my next drink? How can I get what I want and not let everyone know what I'm doing? This disease- and yes, it is a disease- is chronic, progressive, and FATAL. If left untreated it will get you dead. We can no more control it than we can control a brain tumor. I tried EVERYTHING to learn how to drink like a 'normal' person. When that failed, I tried EVERYTHING to not drink. When that failed, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I had a big problem on my hands. It took me 5 years, and a disastrous low bottom to finally give up fighting and let AA help me. What I learned was that for a true alcoholic, will power simply will never be enough. Becoming determined to not drink, or "white knuckling it" (as we say in AA) simply would not produce the spiritual and psychic change needed for me to gain meaningful and long lasting sobriety. The Big Book of AA spells it all out in simple to understand black and white. It described me perfectly. How could a book written more than 70 years ago know who I am? It's because they wrote about alcoholics, and I am one. We all have different stories, but it's my experience that we all share the feelings associated with our dreaded and hated drinking. Some people may not have tried to eat a .45 caliber bullet like I did, but I know the feelings of fear, anger, and desperation are all still the same. We (AA) are a group of drunks that found a way to NOT take a drink, one day at a time, that want nothing more than to help the next desperate soul who wants and needs the same things we have. It really is a very simple program, but it does involve hard work at times. The Big Book really does have all the answers you seek, and meetings can help you learn how to put the simple principles into practice in your own life. It's an easier, glorious way to live, and the rewards have far exceeded my personal expectations. Why not give it a try...you can always go back to the life you had before if you don't like what we have to offer.

Brian

As time progressed, the drinking became a pretty regular thing.  I was still able to hold a steady job and work on my education.  Even though I didn't drink everyday or even every week, I started blacking out most times I drank.  I would do and say purely evil and hurtful things.  Anyone that knows me would agree that I am a sweet, kind person.  Alcohol changed me. 

You just spoke my life I can relate to you in so many ways, especially in what you said above.

I didn't think I had a problem because I didn't drink everyday. But I did. I am a binge drinker. I thought I had it under control but I realized the time between blackouts got shorter and shorter. One day, I decided to make mojitos and bbq in my backyard (I live alone). I drank and blacked out. I woke up later that night to find deep scratches on my legs and a huge bruise on my face. Apparently, I had decided to explore the field across the street to my house, accessing the field by crossing the backyard of a neighbor's house. Even though it was unoccupied, I could have been arrested for trespassing. On another occasion, I drank almost a whole bottle of whiskey in one sitting, and had friends drive me home. I don't remember throwing a bottle of nails at them, wishing "them luck" on their journey back. Apparently the whiskey wasn't enough because after they left, I drank a few more beers. I don't remember any of this. One other blackout happened weeks later, and I woke up with a man in my bed, not remembering how we ended up back in my house. This all happened within the span of a few months.

Looking back, I can see how my drinking ruined many relationships. Especially blacking out and saying horrible, nasty things to the men I "loved", and trying to convince them that I am not that horrible person and I am truly a wonderful person. The alcohol made me a raging, angry woman. This type of incident has ruined four relationships, potentially great ones. I do have a problem - once I start drinking, I am not able to stop. There is some line that I cross while I drink that goes from "I'll have this beer to enjoy it" to "fuck it, I want to get more shots and keep having fun!". This is a line that I have not been able to locate, a line that may waver back and forth, a line I cannot rely on.

I am currently 5 days sober, and sure it may seem easy because I didn't crave the alcohol, but I am going to meetings and reading the big book to make sure when the craving does come, I know how to fight it. I finally got a wonderful sponsor and a great AA community that I can't wait to see tomorrow.

I see alcohol as a really, REALLY violent and abusive ex-boyfriend. Sure, we can be friends, but at the end of the day the relationship will ruin me. And one day, my violent ex may be able to kill me. I love myself and my life more than I love my ex, alcohol, and I don't need it in my life to be happy. I am better off without "him".

Try a meeting. I was so amazed by the people I have met. So honest, happy, eager to help and hopeful. They will cheer you on, and won't hit you in the gut if you fall back. Try it It was the best move I ever made Good luck!

-- Edited by bluebee on Sunday 24th of July 2011 12:38:45 PM

I hate to offer tough love to people I don't know. However reading ur post made me think about what I wanted to say very carefully!

I tend to find two types of people who claim,"I just can't stop drinking once I get started." 

The first r serious alcoholics n denial who really need help

The other is the type of person who feels guilty for feeling certain things and then drinks to create an excuse to do the things "they just ordinarily would not do." 

If you are the first type- I suggest you don't half-ass this and get your butt in meetings and find a REAL SPONSOR before you hurt the ones you love! 

If you are the second type, then you just want to hurt the ones you love without getting caught. If that is the case then noone here can be of any help. 

Having said that I must say I imagine you are the first type giving everything you tell us and for having the courage to open up and come here.  Any help you need I know I will be glad to help like all the other wonderful people here, but a real life sponsor is IRREPLACEABLE. 

 

 

Aloha Mushroom smelling smiles (that says alot)...welcome to the board.  You and I have similarities and I was told when I got into AA and finally decided to sit and stay that I was to listen to the similarities rather than the differences between what others were saying and what had been going on with me.   I'm a non stopper myself once I start and I've had several overdoses also...it is a mind and mood altering chemical in a progressive disease and progresses if not arrested to death.  I would black out at the most inconvenient times...in the middle of a road race down a windly mountain road thru a tunnel also or for the 20 mile trip from work to home at night and other places. I have no bragging rights to that it is evidence only that I need to be in the rooms of AA learning what the "teachers" are trying to teach me.

An early sponsor taught me that it was the things I "wouldn't do" that would cause me trouble in recovery rather than the "things I did" to get there.

Consider that when you decided to not do what has worked for millions of others that your will is that you remain where you are at right now with a wish..."to possibly do the same things over and over just expecting different results" that for us is the definition of insanity.

For me to get and stay sober beyond an idle self promise took 24 hours of AA a day, every recovering alcoholic who crossed my path and was willing to share their journey with me and a Power much much more powerful than anything I had drank up until then which was sweeping my entire life away.  Course it had to be my decision to work it as it was suggested rather than how I thought I might do it.

I've been around for a while and everyday I make the old decision which I was led to years ago...sit down, all the way down, in a meeting of alcoholics anonymous and look for the similarities between the drunk who is telling his/her story and my own and then to do the next best thing.

Keep coming back...hope this was supportive.  (((((hugs)))))

-- Edited by Jerry F on Sunday 24th of July 2011 10:29:23 PM

MSM, I am so glad you worked through the issue with your reluctance to go to meetings and get a sponsor, It is the best way. Building a sold spirtually based sobriety through AA is the best suggestion I can give. It is generally not a good idea to have your boyfriend or girlfriend as your higher power. The aspect of "not being able to do it alone" means you need the support, guidance, and wisdom that only other alcoholics can offer. Family and loved ones gave me the inspiration to get started in AA and with sobriety, but other alcoholics in meetings and my sponsor gave me the tools to stay sober. Please keep us updated...That goes for all the other new folks that posted in this thread too.

I can only tell you what I did in the beginning: I was in the same miserable spot as you MSM. I was a sloppy drunk, who made an ass of himself, wasted money, health and relationship going down the tubes, 1 car totaled, starting to black out nightly, and what I hear from you is the same emptiness and desperation that fueled me down this path 3 years ago. I went to meetings daily for quite some time. I got a sponsor by day 6. I started doing service by month 5. I posted about the whole experience on here regularly and got lots of support and even more knowledge about my disease. I did a lot of step work as well and now I try and live those steps in my daily affairs. That is what worked for me so far.

In support,

Mark