this past two days, i had a wonderful visit from my OLD babysitter, i mean my first 11 years of life i was very close to him....we stayed in touch, kinda *hit and miss*....but always kinda in each others thoughts....
he was driving back to calif. (his home now) from florida, (visiting his brother) and he wanted to see me....he showed up at my door tues. afternoon, we went to dinner and we talked..and we talked....about the *old days* when my "A" mother was still in tact....the perp hadn't totally done her in yet...he hadn't incested me yet....i had had SOME glimpses of happiness and fun....we had a good visit...catching up on the old gossip and who is living where now, and what they are doing....
he had to leave thurs. morning...it was fun having him there, someone to share with/ talk with/ he too, rememberd the perp as someone to *stay away from* he was not surprised at the evil that was done to me.....sad/disgusted/angry but not surprised...
he was proud of my recovery...how much i have changed...how diferent i am from the others, in a good way and he was *stunned* to see how young looking i was at 59....
anway, when he left i felt this awful sense of loss/ separation!!!!! i came home from work last night...saw evidence of his having been there, tidyed up the place and i noticed GRIEF!!!!!! i was sad!!! i thought what is this??? i am not in love with him, never was, even tho i care for him it is as a friend!!! really/ there was no desire in me for anything besides friendship.......and so i wondered!!! "what in the hell do i feel this way for??"
than it hit me!!! it wasn't tom it was what he *represented*!! the perhaps *final months/weeks/days* of my being *semi intact*!!! i wasn't yet so traumatized by my abuser, i was still *sorta ok*.....and the days of old, when my mother was still sober enough to curl my thick , course, unruly blonde hair!!! when she still knitted our *woolies* to sleep warm in in winter...her fondness for tom and his siblings, and their mischief....he brought up all these old memories...of days gone by...innocense lost!!! dreams/hopes *interrupted for decades* for me!!! days when i could still laugh before the real evil kicked in.......he even said to me....."i dont' know why you guys ever left dover"......and i said "well it was the end of me for a long long time because his evil REALLY got out of control then"......it was like tom was a *remembrence* of my life before it got *completely* trashed!!!!
i am doing the first 3 steps.....i am not supressing the grief over my losses.....Tom provoked memories that i must grieve over...of a life so nearly destroyed.....he even said, " 'he' killed your mother" it was like i have to still grieve over what he took away from me.........
today i prayed to my HP to help me/ my inner child/ and my HP to fill in those big gaping holes.......i am grieving/ i will need to rest more and nurture me more over the weekend.....maybe cry, i don't know, but i WILL allow i WILL feel i WILL validate my feelings, rather than *run away from them* no more running away!!!!! it hurts but i am gonna walk through it........funny you know what???? i STILL want to fill my heart up with love for me/ my loved ones rather than hate for the beast!!!!!! as i fill up my heart with love-- there is no room for hate!!!! that is the way i want it!!! that is my victory over this!!!!!! thank you DONE
I dont really know how to put a reply, into words Rosie, except to say, that I understand.
Triggers and things we go through each day that can bring up the good memories, and the bad--from yesterdays.
The emotional hangovers that can keep me stuck, and take one backwards into emotional turmoil, sadness, or depression, and all the negative emotions and feelings that go with it all.
Gotta really kick my butt sometimes, to keep going forward. Focussing on today, and looking forward to tomorrows. Some days are tough.
I do know, that If I dont have something to look forward to, and am grateful for today--I can backslide--and start living in yesterday--with just a snap of my fingers.
This too shall pass-and we feel how we feel. Hugs to yu.
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Easy Does it..Keep It Simple..Let Go and Let God..
Have you ever tried to clean out a junk drawer, without dumping all the contents out of it and sorting through them?
Somethings we have that are pretty useless to us, get put back in the drawer. Even though we really don't need them, and they have little value. But if we continue to pull the drawer out, dump its contents and sort through it all, eventually we become willing to let go of that which we have been holding on to.
Piece by piece the drawer within us gets cleaned out... sometimes our cleaning sprees are triggered by situations, people and circumstances.
Sort through it all, some of it isn't even yours, but adopted from others...
You can let it go, when you are ready to. And you can hold on to what you need to feel safe and secure today as well.
i have been thinking of your post all day and didn't seem to know what to say.
except two things... you have alot of support here and hope that you can work through these things
some people are put in your life for a season, a reason or a lifetime.
i think that although the program is a wonderful thing and can be help in alot of areas in your life....sometimes it may not be enough.
i am sure by now you've done victim support groups and survivors of violent crime groups....if not may i suggest this as i think that this would help you have the understanding that you so desperately need.
i think that this person was able to relate to these deep rooted issues and knew the perticulars of the situation so you had some intimacy that you are now missing. realising this i think that you should try to volunteer some time with others that have been in your spot and i believe in giving back thoes voids will be filled and possibly comfort the pain you carry with you.
not trying to be a therapist because i am not but i found that for me when i am around people like me and can talk a language that no one else can speak but the people that can truely identify with me. ie; AA that i am more at peace.
just some thoughts to keep you in the solution and not to fret you are not alone just need to get with people who can give you that sort of outlet....
hope this helps
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knowing that you dont know everything is knowing everything you need to know.
i can certainly relate to getting stuck in yesterday, locked into it, and 'feeling' unable to even 'see' ahead. hearing others talk about these things is a great mind opener. thanx.
