I honestly don't know what I'm doing. I have not had a drink in a week. I started drinking a lot, more than socially about two or three years ago. I drank a lot of wine, maybe a bottle or two a night. I didn't get drunk. I drank it slow and started at 5ish and drank all night long. Didn't have to be every night, but most. I felt convicted by God to stop for the last year. I stopped once for three months, but I knew it was temporary. I didn't ever want to be that person who couldn't just have one or two and have a nice time with friends. But, I guess I am or I wouldn't be so convicted to stop and I wouldn't have been drinking so much wine at night! When I started drinking again I set limits. I did not stick to them so I have quit. But, I don't know how to deal now with life without drinking. It had become a big part of my life. I didn't get drunk but maybe once or twice and I didn't mean to if that means anything. I never had a DUI. I didn't lose any family over it. They maybe wondered if I might have a problem, but it had not progressed that far YET. I did forget some things when I was drinking. Like if I paid a bill. Which I did. Is that a black out? I never passed out. Ever. I'm not trying to white wash it because I obviously have a problem. God has made that very clear. I am just lost. I used it for physical pain and emotional pain. I drank when people bugged me or hurt me. Or if my body hurt too much which it does sometimes. I drank to loosen up, period. I love to drink, but I guess it is poison to me. Clearly it is poison to me. I'm 54 next week and I'm unsure of why this just happened the last few years. Why now? I have not been an alcoholic forever. I did have a stomach surgery in the 90's and I do metabolize alcohol faster. But, I used to drink and be okay. Now I am powerless. I don't understand. I hate it.
Welcome. You have come to the right place. I've never had a DUI either, and am a professional woman in my 30s who even my good friends didn't realize was an alcoholic. I was fortunate enough to stop drinking before I suffered any big consequences. Alcoholics come in all shapes and sizes, but what we all have in common is that we have lost control over how much or how often we drink, and we used alcohol to manage our feelings.
You are not alone and you will meet a lot of kindred souls in sobriety. You've taken the first step, and it's a big one. Congrats!
Myself and many others can identify with you symptoms. Some people cross over the line sooner than others, but once we do there is no going back to social drinking. We say: first the person takes a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes the person.
The first 45 pages of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous can help you deterimine if you are Alcoholic (you can probably download it somewhere online).
The good news is our program is a design for living that will allow you to achieve a happy and sober life better than you can imagine.
I have a sponcee who is about 10 years sober and moved from Atlanta to Ft Worth a few years ago. I know he is active in the fellowship in that area and knows women who would be willing to talk to you and get you to some meetings. PM me if you want, and I can get you email and phone contacts.
take care,
__________________
Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
Aloha Seachelle and welcome to the board also. Just knowing that you have a problem and need help is enough. I can hear other things in your struggle which reminded me of an early sponsors suggestion of when in the meetings look for the "simularities" in the shared experiences rather than the differences and I will become aware of myself and alcoholism. In my real world I didn't stop because I was alcoholic...I stopped because my wife was alcoholic/addict and I wasn't comfortable drinking around her anymore or having her drink at all. I was convinced I wasn't an alcoholic and didn't belong in the rooms of AA and Al-Anon was enough for me and I was 9 years alcohol free and a alcoholism and substance abuse Behavioral Health Therapist before I did my own first wide awake evaluation...When I was done I took it (including the 3 toxic shocks I had drank myself into) to the adult section of the Rehab I worked in and waited for the results. My name wasn't on the top of the form and still when the head nurse brought it back to me she said, "Whoever belongs to this evaluation needs to be in inpatient treatment now or the next time they drink they die." The next day, Friday, I was in my first, for real, because of and for me open AA meeting at the local Alanon club. The journey has been a whole lot easier and healing and healthy from that. Stick around with us and help us get sober with you. ((((hugs))))
Thank you all. It helps to know one does not have to be the stereotypical alcoholic. If there even is any such thing. I guess there is not. It's just I have this problem and yet I am surprised to be an alcoholic! I don't even say it yet unless I'm just talking to God. I don't want to go to a meeting. Can't I go online twice a week? I don't feel ready to talk to anyone about it. I haven't even told my husband or my kids! It's not like one of those scenarios where I'm irresistibly drawn back into drinking because I can't do without it. I just don't really love life without it. But, I know I MUST learn to live a better life without it. I bought the book tonight on my iPad and will start it. I read it some years ago for overeating and didn't get a lot out of it, but I am starting tonight. I know the book is great; it has changed countless lives and it can change mine along with God, me, AA, and help from experienced people like here. That has to work for now.
It is good that you dont have trouble yet. But trouble will come in some form, we call it yetts as this illness is progressive. I have progress to a point where when I look back at myself now I can see clearly that I did not know the person I became. I could not see it at the time but new that alcohol was no longer working for the pain.. After one week reading the big book again and going to 2 or 3 meetingsa day I now have more now peace than I have ever felt. Although I slip several times a day, every day I seem to slip a little less. When I say slip now it is not that I drank it is I fall back to my old ways of thinking and become very uncomfortable. My first thought is to drink or control someone who I think should be doing something different or I want to impress someone on how smart I am. So I find if I pray and hold on and dont drink I can get the peace back. And it is a peace like no other. And I know Happiness like I have never known but I have to continue to work to get it. And the fear of how do I live or have fun without alcohol seems silly now. God bless you give it a chance
I see a lot of my own story in yours, but I am going to be 50 this year. Have 9 years sober time.
I too could quit for weeks, months or a year or two at a time. Usually my problem was work, college classes, family or a bad relationship--so I turned to drink to get rid of the thoughts and to help sleep.
Wrong answer, there were a number of times I told myself--what are you doing, you need to get help and soon--well it did not come soon enough. Back in 2002 ended up with 2 DUIs in 3 months and could not drive until 2009.
You are in a place where we all care and want to see you recover.
I'm running off to a meeting right now, so can't type long. But folks on here know of what they speak. If you start getting to meetings and working the programme of AA, you will soon be looking at your life in wonder at how good it is has become. That's my experience, anyway.
Keep coming back so we can stay sober together! :)
Never had a DUI either. I somehow managed to finish high school, earn a degree, and get most of the way through my teaching certification before I actually decided to quit drinkin heavily most days and smoking massive amounts of marijana. After I got sober, it was like waking up and realizing that I was suddenly an adult that had made major accomplishments, and I had no idea how I had done it. My point is that I know what you are going through. I don't know why I quit before I ruined my life or someone else's. The sad fact is that I know that I am just as close to a drink or a joint as I have ever been, and I constantly feel like I am on borrowed time. I still have to sit on my hands a lot until cravings pass. Life is still hard, and I often do not know what I am doing either. I guess we both came to the right place.
I had a hard time in early sobriety as well, especially when they talked about "powerlessness" and how alcoholics can in no way control their drinking. I guess that made sense to a degree. There was one exception though. A crucial part I felt they left out. The "in moderation" part. Why can't I have a drink from time to time? Is that too much to ask? That's how I shared in meetings, back when, before my many relapses and those words that summed up my feelings -at the time- was the denial based rationale I used to justify my drinking. That's why the doors of AA swing both ways; and until I grasped the concept of "powerlessness", I would continue to be a revolving door member of this fellowship for many years to follow.
I had more attempts at getting sober -back when- than most people my age with similar results. I could never get past the first step. There were no doubts about my drinking and how unmanageable my life had become. There were lurking suspicions, however, to the extent of my drinking and whether I crossed that line into active alcoholism or not. That question was answered many years later as I found myself reaching out for the bottle more and more, time and time again. This was my dropping off point and where -I felt- my disease had to go before I accepted help.
My disease had to go through the rigors of denial and withdrawal before there was any hope of recovery. The timing of my meltdown was crucial and by the 'Grace of God' became the springboard to my recovery that has stood the test of time for 10 years now. When I get hungry, angry, lonely or tired and feel there is no way out of my situation other than picking up a drink, I begin to reflect -once again- on what life was like before sobriety and what life is like now; then somehow, someway, the thought of that drink fades from my memory as the prospect of a better life in sobriety- becomes apparently clear -once again. Thanks be to God.......
Keep hoping, Keep praying and keep believing in miracles until you become one yourself. You can, dear -ODAAT. We promise...
~God bless~
-- Edited by Mr_David on Friday 22nd of July 2011 03:11:39 AM
Thank you. I keep questioning myself," Maybe I'm not really an alcoholic. Maybe I just like to drink like the Europeans!" But, then I read the stories of people denying and spiraling down and I think I don't want to go there! So I should listen to my conviction and stay away from the drink completely.
Thank you. I keep questioning myself," Maybe I'm not really an alcoholic. Maybe I just like to drink like the Europeans!" But, then I read the stories of people denying and spiraling down and I think I don't want to go there! So I should listen to my conviction and stay away from the drink completely.
This is why we need a sponsor, sitting down with the first 43 pages and going through it step by step, sentence by sentence, when you are done with that process you will never question whether you are an alcoholic or not for the rest of your life, that answers the question are you an alcoholic, are you powerless over alcohol, that is step one
no step one, no program, no program (for an alcoholic) inevitible return to alcohol with disastrous consequences
going through the doctors opinion, asking those questions about yourself, reading bills story to see if you can relate to alcoholisms progression and the strange mental blank spots and ego that accompany alcoholism, reading there is a solution, and More about alcoholism, once again sentence by sentence -with a sponsor- who knows what questions to ask you
3 hours that can change your life forever, at the end of it you know whether you are an alcoholic or not, and if you are, do you decide to work the simple program that puts this disease into remission or just kind of hang on, and hope "it will be different this time, and here's how", which generally speaking is the disease itself at work, and frequently are the last words heard sober from an alcoholic, that should be on millions and million and millions of tombstones, "It will be different this time"
self knowledge avails us nothing about staying sober, but by God it's a starting point, nothing can be done without it
Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one. They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks-drinks which they see others taking with impunity. After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery.
__________________
it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
