Im reaching out today to come clean and be honest with some other alcoholics. I smoked a joint last night after 6 years of sobriety. The sad thing is I guess you could classify me as a big book thumper. As of late I had to drop a sponsee that wouldnt take any direction and I started loathing the meetings ( as I still do ). I still feel sick about a.a in general. The truley sad part to all of this is that I have a sponsee that is doing great. My sponser doesnt live in my state but we talk every other day. I can't say I had any toxic behavior that preceeded my decision. The strange thing is I have been able to change most of my behaviors. I don't owe any ammends and I feel like I have been living a good life. My girlfriend.. who isnt alcoholic was given a bit of weed the other day and for some reason last night something in me snapped and I talked her into smoking it with me. The SECOND I smoked it I was flooded with unbearable guilt and sadness. I feel like the biggest peice of shit today and I didn't enjoy it one bit. In fact I feel I was screaming inside all night to feel sober again. I don't feel like I threw 6 years away because I am still a way better person today and I am happy. I don't feel resentful either. I am begging god today to help me get back on track and put this behind me. I don't think I will be able to tell my sponsor or sponsee because I feel that it will hurt them both way too much. I don't think I could live with myself if they knew. All I know to do is beg god to help me see this through and put me back into a place where I can continue to help others. That is my only course I can possibly see . I felt like I needed to get honest with another alcoholic so I came to this board. I cant really determine how or why it happend. I think curiosity killed the cat. I felt like I wanted to know what it felt like just to jump off a cliff if that makes any sense. I know in my soul I do not want to ever feel that way again. It is a hopless feeling worse than I am feeling rite now. I can't believe I used to feel that way everyday. No matter what I have hit my knees several times today and will continue to, until I can put this behind me. I am not going to pretend that I have 5 years of continous sobriety, but at the same time I feel like I havent lost what I have worked so hard for. I do feel dirty and ashamed. I hope someone can relate.
I would tell my sponsor cause secrets make me sick. I find when meetings are making me mad, i pray for the willingness to go to meetings. it has helped me before doing that. If your sponsee told you they had smoked weed, you wouldnt beat them up would you so dont beat yourself up. Today is a new day, its one day at a time. Its a bummer but if you do something about it and tell someone and look honest at it like with a sponsor perhaps you will feel better about it. I imagine not telling would - well it would eat me up inside and I know where that can take me. To me that is my disease wanting me to feel shit inside and not be honest and then I could tell myself i need to go drink on it.
you sharing it here has helped me. the thought of pot has crossed my mind sometimes so hearing how shit it is has helped me tonight. Booze is my problem drugs never were but that crappy thought has popped into my head sometimes.
-- Edited by slugcat on Saturday 16th of July 2011 06:41:10 PM
-- Edited by slugcat on Saturday 16th of July 2011 06:43:18 PM
Welcome back Jeremy. It's good to hear you're alive and well...
I experienced similar feelings ten years ago after my relapse and the guilt and shame back then bore a heavy burden on my sobriety. I never realized the seriousness of the situation and how shameful I'd become, until it was too late. I had to uncover that under a sea of alcohol. Why? I chose to self medicate was beyond me and of course my reasoning varied, but the promise of a better life was always an option, regardless of my condition. Shame and doubt might prolong our misery, but the voice of AA can prevail in the end -as you already know.
We're glad youre okay -despite the relapse, and encourage you to put your best foot forward from this point on. Rebuilding from the ground up isn't easy but the journey is worth it. We promise. Making informed decisions about what we should do next, especially when confronted with a similar dilemma is important. So take heed as you move on from here. There are a wide variety of services available that can help you make those important decisions the next time around. So, here's my suggestion: "take advantage of them all". Some of those were previously mentioned; including counseling and other added services, besides AA and this forum. It has worked for me and I hope it will continue to work for you as well -one day at a time.
You've obviously learned a valuable lesson from your mistake and with the help of AA and this forum, have the chance to achieve lasting sober memories for years to come. We are a network of recovering alcoholics who are committed to improve your way of life, and will do so by any means possible -one day at a time.
~God bless~
-- Edited by Mr_David on Saturday 16th of July 2011 10:36:09 PM
Aloha Jeremy..."Thumpers" are human, vunerable and not perfect. You got a wake up call...the disease will never stop lurking...ever. Guilt and Shame and self pity will not help one lick so get your self pride and ego down to size and keep on keeping on. Thanks for reminding me about just how powerful the compulsion to get mind and mood adjusted is. Go to pg449 of the third addition and listen to Dr. Paul tell us again about acceptance. Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
Welcome back,pick yourself up,dust yourself off and get back in the saddle!!Take a look inside and see'whats going on" relapses usually have some lead things taking place,make a search and get back to it!!!Thanks for the help in keeping me locked into our 3rd tradition//////////
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Most AA members I've talked to that relapsed said it was a real casual thing, kind of spur-of-the-moment. You're right, you haven't thrown the past 5 years away at all. Just don't do it again. And, most importantly, forgive yourself.
