Today is 31 days in AA and 35 meetings (I think!). I am struggling though. Not with sobriety, but how to share in meetings. If we are sharing our strength and hope, how come I can't think of anything else to share except my problems? I know that I have some positive things since sobriety, do I focus on those? Do I mention the bad things in the meeting or do I only share that with my sponsor? AYE.
Thanks.
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his roots grasped a new soil
one is one too many and one more will never be enough
faith has to work twenty four hours in us and through us or we perish
When we share at meetings, we must share in a general way. We share our problems as well as our solutions. About 12 years ago, my wife & I had a very serious fallout & we nearly headed for divorce. That week I had 3 speaking engagements at AA meetings. I felt ashamed, but my Higher Power made me to share my problems. After the meeting I found many of the AA's coming to share with me about their problems. When we resolved our issues, my wife & I begin to share the solution as well, & we have helped many a family today with that experience.
The rule of thumb I gave my sponsees about sharing at a meeting was:
Share if you have actual -EXPERIENCE- with the topic, like how acceptance helped you that day etc
Ask for help for something THAT IS IMPORTANT
I didn't tell them what I was told (repeatedly) which was why didn't I STFU until I had a year of sobriety and had worked the steps, it was also suggested I STFU until I was 30 since men are idiots until they are 30 anyway, but the age 30 rule wasn't enforced
thing was I was a "know it all" that wouldn't shut up, I was in my mid 20's so once when I had about 30 days I was sharing my vast wisdom with the group when my grandsponsor (who got sober in 1942) made this awful disgusted noise, lurched to his feet and came stomping across the room, grabbed me by the ear and dragged me outside mid-share and started sputtering like a tea kettle an making these great funny noises as he "gently" (talking to me using language that construction workers, naval officers and longshoremen were taking notes since even they hadn't heard some of these terms) in a voice that could be heard 3 blocks away explained to me what a meeting of alcoholics anonymous was for
to carry the message to the alcoholic that still suffers, not to tell my opinion, not to give advice, not to talk about my problems, and certainly not to talk out of my ass, which is what he called "sharing outside my experience"
He asked me "you have been around for 30 days, you have heard these peoples drinking stories, can you teach ANYONE in that room how to get drunk?"
....ummmm....uuhhh.....no...but
Can you teach ANYONE in that room how to stay sober? bearing in mind that the 50 people in that room have been sober anywhere from 1 year to 45 years?
.....uummm......uhh.........no....but..but
"Then why are you speaking at a meeting of alcoholics anonymous? If you can't teach even ONE person how to stay sober or how to get drunk, what gives YOU the right to hold 50 people hostage while we are stuck listening to your puerile ramblings?"
this happened frequently as I'd sneak off to share at meetings I knew he didn't attend, but I'd get ratted out, his asschews of me in that courtyard are the stuff of legend now, terrified newcomers cowering in their chairs while listening to him tear me a new one and sponsors glared at sponsees as if to imply they'd get the same treatment if they were so stupid as to follow my example.....
I was and am quite a bit gentler, but I agree with him
we can share two things in meetings, problem or solution, I was asked which did I want to be part of, and was my share problem or solution?
I did always tell my sponsees and any other newcomer it is ENTIRELY appropriate, NAY, RECOMENDED STRONGLY to ask for help in a meeting, that's why they are there, but listening to the puerile drivel of people hold the entire meeting hostage to their idiocy and sickness talking about their problems or their day and hearing others think that is what meetings are for (ask someone about the traditions soon) does ....bore me
so sharing is simple
what is was like
what happened
what it's like today
I did this and got this result (failure) then by working this step or using this tool I got success
simple
problem-solution
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
LinBaba-that would be hilarious if it weren't so seriously not funny!!!
(what the heck does LinBaba "mean", anyway-just curious-makes me think of Alibaba & the 40 thieves) Don't take my inquisitiveness personally--I ask people what their vanity plates mean when I can't figure it out!
If I feel the need to share but am not sure what to say, I'll outline what's going on with me, say what I'm trying to do to deal with it, and then ask for input as to whether this is the best way or not. That usually gets some good feedback. Obviously people aren't supposed to cross-talk, so they'll generally phrase feedback in some way that sounds like a general comment.
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Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's, and unto God that which is God's.
Just a suggestion but i want to say dont worry about what you are sharing. Just share from the heart, honestly about whatever is going on for you. You dont have to speak about solutions if you are strugglying. Listening to newcomers helps keep me sober, I listen to what they are strugglying through in the early days and it reminds me how hard it was at the start for me. It keeps me sober. Just share honestly, u dont have to have any answers, all the answers or anything. I like to remeber aa is not a social club if i cant be honest there then i cant be honest anywhere. i dont have to impress anyone. Sometimes I just need to get my problems out of my mouth so i dont take it home with me. I agree somethings i dont share in a meeting,somethings i told a counsellor indepth about, not even my sponsor was/is equipped to deal with certain outside problems. other stuff, things i didnt need a counsellor for i told my sponsor and less deeply personal things i share in meetings. If I am upset, sometimes i cry in meetings sometimes i am all emotional. If I dont share whats going on then I get sicker. I do try share about solutions but if I am in a bad way I wont gloss it over to sound good.
-- Edited by slugcat on Saturday 16th of July 2011 06:28:13 PM
I would share honestly, candidly and like my life depended on it, because it does. I would share briefly on my experiences and mostly on my recovery. I would never allow my message to linger on past the allotted time. That's how resentments start. I usually choose my words wisely and keep it simple. The last thing I want to hear is a long drawn out Drunk-A-log. It tends to convolute the message.
Topics...are touchy subjects too. So, I suggest you pick a topic that everyone can relate too, or whatever subject matter you need feedback on. I would always leave enough time for any burning desires and would never allow the message to go unnoticed. I hope this helps...
Sharing your message of hope is of utmost importance. So, give it all you got. The hopes and dreams of many still rely on this message and we all know you're the messenger that can deliver on that promise.
~God bless~
-- Edited by Mr_David on Sunday 17th of July 2011 05:37:29 PM
I had a problem with sharing in meetings when I was new because I didn't really know what you all were talking about. Resentments? (what is that, really?) Insanity? (aren't we being a little dramatic, here, I mean seriously .... we are insane???) so many things were spinning around in my head. When I wasn't in the meetings, I could think of all sorts of stuff to talk about, but when it came my turn to 'share' in the meeting, I went blank. Someone told me to just state my rank and serial number and LISTEN. Stop worrying about what you are going to say, they would tell me, because you don't know anything yet. Okay, welllllllllllllllll, that made sense! I am happy to report that it didn't take long for me to be able to share in the meetings, it just took a bit to get through some of the steps, and that is when I had something to talk about! Best wishes to you and keep coming back!
No experience, nothing to share. Remember there is a guy in the back who didnt identify himself as new with a gun under his pillow who thought "maybe ill give AA a chance before i paint my room with my brains".
Last thing he needs to hear is someone with no solutions spew out their problems in a meeting.
If you have not gotten to the the "halfway through you will be amazed" point , sit down and shut up and listen.
I like the response of sharing what is in the heart .. (anything even the problem shared) .. can help that guy in the back Know he is Not alone .. Not the Only one who suffers in silence, fear, isolation ..
I will tell you when i used to go to open AA speakers i would hear the AA speakers merely stand up and share who they hurt and how many times .. what places they ripped off and then how they went to AA ... all is good don't get me wrong .. I listened and realized it took a Ton of Courage for those speakers to get up and admit that But .. i wasn't hearing the heart shares that would help me to grow the Wisdom to know the difference .. Being to some alanon meetings which i realize aa is Not .. i will say the deepest gratitude that has grown inside me is the honesty 'level of some members who have done the deeper work .. when it comes to fixing the others in program that part ? is Gods job .. deciding what they need to hear .. all god .. our part ? sharing from the heart and Trusting it will All work together by a power Greater than 'us all' .. my thoughts ..
Playing with the spirit of intolerance pg 103 by those that claim to be offering a solution runs rampant in aa. Expect that. There's this thing going on in a room attended by those that work the steps they're claiming you need to work. When I do my 11th step nightly review; I learn where I make daily mistakes and continue sharing my weakness in meetings. Sometimes I have problems and allow others to feel usefulness by giving the solution. Attraction shows itself through humility. Having the spiritual tool of willingness to keep doing the work to stay unblocked from God's power that I prayed for in the 3rd step that's keeping me sober helps me to also stay living in the promises of the program. It's teamwork; there's a group conscious message that God may speak through and following the dictates of my higher power and performing His work well I grow in understanding and effectiveness. This I've learned from successes and mistakes of practicing sharing in meetings. The prime object pg 159-160 is there to carry the primary purpose to learn the main object, main purpose and real purpose. The "winners" are living in the 10th step promise that we've ceased fighting anything or anyone-- even alcohol.
Attended my first AA meeting today. As of this moment Ive been sober for about 30 hours. I had lots of questions that I wanted to ask (being the newbie that I am). After asking my first question the facilitator firmly (but gently) asked me to not ask questions, and to only make comments directly related to the topic at hand. Embarrassed me a little but I got over it. Wondering what the proper etiquette is for newbies who have lots of questions.
Welcome, WV. It's great that you got to ameeting. You have a good start in recovery.
We have a bunch of folks who understand what you have been going through. This forum is all about sharing our knowledge and experiences. It includes answering questions.
AA is made up of many 'groups' and each 'group' forms a unique personality ... if there was a 'topic' made up for this meeting in particular, then typical rules are to stay 'on topic' during the meeting ... and usually toward the end, it is announced that if you have problems or questions not coverd in the meeting, then there'll be someone you can discuss this with after the meeting ... just try to be patient and hang in there ...
God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
This is a big problem in AA these days. Folks are told to just turn up at meetings and all will be revealed. Sorry but it won't. I ask any long time AA member to close their eyes and listen closely in a meeting. Did you hear an adequate presentation of the AA program? Never have yet, and I know what to look for. How is it for the newcomer then?
I had the benefit of what is called a 12 step call. I spent an afternoon with a recovered alcoholic, who I met via the AA phone line. We discussed all kinds of things around AA, alcoholism the problem, and AAs solution. I got to ask all my questions, and later went to my first meeting having quite a good idea of what was involved.
My suggestion to anyone new is to find a recovered member in the meeting and ask if they will explain AA to you. What you are looking for is the basic function of step 12, an adequate presentation of the program so that you can make your mind up about it.
