Hi... This is the first time I attended a summer picnic at a friends sober... My boyfriend and I stayed for 3 and a half hours then the folks were starting to drink more then earlier in the evening. I wanted to go home because, frankly...I felt like downing about 7 beers. My boyfriend took me home, but told me he wasn't ready. He doesn't drink and would have sat there till midnight....I feel odd and out place... Thoughts?
Sometimes in early sobriety I would get so uncomfortable that even when I left the environment, the thoughts & feelings that were stirred up remained with me for hours, sometimes even threatening my sobriety days after the event, giving me yet another opportunity for using the tools of the program. The more I kept my focus on the steps and the tools, the more the discomfort was reduced. Eventualyy I found my balance, of what events I could "safely" attend if some people would be drinking, and which I knew I had best stay away from, no matter how much I wanted to go. My sobriety is more important than my feelings-or anyone else's.
I always just bring my own vehicle to drinking events now, even if it's with a friend or girlfriend, not because being around drinking threatens my sobriety any more, it's just being drunk is fun, being around drunks is tedious, that way I never ever ever have to wait for someone else to leave or have them get mad because I dragged them away from something they wanted to stay at, this was a dearly learned lesson that greatly simplified my life.
bring my own vehicle....it's that simple
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
I too, would feel odd and out of place, especially at any party where the drinks are flowing. I have to admire your bravery and resilience -to be quite honest, and certainly applaud your efforts to remain sober, especially in that setting. May I also applaud your exit strategy -as well; knowing what the possible consequences could have been for you or any other recovering alcoholic, when temptation throws them a curveball -which could happen. I certainly wouldn't spend too much time in any non-sober environment that can trigger a relapse and would advise anyone who has a history of relapsing in similar settings -like parties, to do likewise. You earned your stripes for today, so be proud of that.
It must have felt awkward sitting at the party without a drink in your hand. I too, have gone to parties where the drinks were flowing and had a fun time without regret -I may add. Regret starts the minute we pick up that drink. You didn't...so be proud of that. Like Leeu said, our sobriety feels threatened from time to time, which can cause us to relapse without any real strategy in place. The program does work if we work it and the tools are the lifeline to continuous sobriety.
My suggestion, is to visualize "the worst case scenario" possible, then ask yourself "is it worth it". Are your achievements in sobriety worth giving up on, just to fulfill a void? What happens next is more important than fulfilling that void -isn't it? The next for me goes something like this??? You can fill in the blank from here. It's not that important...is it? Taking a drink I mean. I think not, and I hope the same goes for any other recovering alcoholic as well -ODAAT.
~God bless~
-- Edited by Mr_David on Monday 4th of July 2011 01:24:52 AM
My very first relapse happened because I wanted to be a people pleaser. The person I wanted to please died of alcoholism. These people I used to drink with, I separated company with them 23 years ago to come to AA & stay alive myself. Today, when I meet with them, they always are with me laughing & joking and I see how much they want this new life that I have. My life in AA is very exciting & full of joy & freedom. But in the beginning it was hard work, working the steps & fixing up my past & reconstructing my future. We have to also remember that not many people understand this disease of alcoholism, so we have to do what it takes to stay alive & sometimes we are faced with difficult choices. I learned to pray & ask God for guidance in every situation that I am faced with. God Bless. Gonee.
Hi there: first of all, congrats, you made it through! I went to an event last night and although went with sober friends, i was acutely AWARE of the beer smells which brings my head to do flipsy crapola.
I am 5 months sober and i find that i have to stay away from people places and things(i know) or i will be right there with them, bellying up to the bar. It is hard, i feel outcasted as well but i have to remember: Always worse, never better
I RARELY have this circumstance. Liquor is always out at house parties, but none of my friends get tanked and it's really kinda looked down on to be getting all wasted. The people I hang out with now is the group of friends I should have had all along instead of ones that got all messed up every gathering.
Aside from that, I would leave a party where people were drinking to the point that it became like a frat party. I have no problem now being around people who are engaging in social drinking. I can even put up with the 1 or 2 drunk people because it reminds me of what I DONT want to do and how I DONT want to act. However, I can't stand the rare circumstance where everyone decides it's time to get loaded.
So...Moomoo, first off welcome to the board. Secondly, I think you did the right thing and you should not question yourself for whatever you do to protect your sobriety. Sobriety comes first. You did well. If you are new in sobriety, then I give you double kudos because those are not easy circumstances to navigate at first.
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Aloha Moomoo...isn't it great to have reach the point where you're making your own choices for the right reasons rather than the drink in your hand or on the bar? I say Yay!! We can also let others make their own choices and statements without resentments by choice either. I'm in another world now. We (spouse and I) went to a dinner at the neighbors Friday night and he drinks and so does the "other guys" some of who arrive with a bottle in their hands...been there, done that, use to be the supplier the dealer if anyone was without and then everything changed. I wanted it to and I needed it to because I was short on life and long on alcoholism and had a HP that wanted to meet up with me at a meeting.
My neighbor knows I don't drink anymore and respects that. The first party he offered and I replied "Thanks I've had enough" and he came to understand without having me do a speaker meeting. My spouse told him after he asked if we had a problem with drinking and she said, "no...I have a problem with drunking...if the party gets loud and drunk I go home." He looked at me as if I was going to add to that and there's nothing to add for her. I don't drunk anymore either.
We also left them out in the backyard in the dark (oh God I use to do a ton of that) in a circle doing.....? I learned it's okay to leave. I learned it's okay to leave alcohol free. I learned.
You did good. You came home in the condition you wanted to come home in and without your butt in a box as I've been known to do. Keep trudgin (((((hugs)))))
I'm with LinBaba -- I always drive myself to events where there will be drinking, and if one of my many friends without a car asks for a ride, I make clear that I can drive them there but I will be leaving when I want so they will need to decide whether to leave at that time or take a cab home.
I have many friends who are not alcoholics and most BBQs/weddings/parties/etc. I go to have alcohol being served. I am fine in that environment, but the moment I start wishing I could have one of those beers, I'm outta there. Even if I don't get to that point, there is always a time in the evening when people start to get drunk and a little tedious, and that's about my bedtime anyway, so that's when I go home. :)
Further, whenever my friends are going out for happy hour, etc., I always let them know I would like to join but I'll have to decide how I feel on that day (they all know I'm sober). I assess how I'm feeling when it's time to meet them, and if I am feeling even a little bit "iffy," I just stay home or go to a meeting. I make sure to communicate with them freely about this so they know I'm not just being a flake or don't like their company, but that I take it one day at a time and that some days I don't feel comfortable being in a bar.
TwelveSteps, thank you so much for that post. I came here searching for something, not sure what to call it. Validation maybe?
Anyway, I'm new to the program. I'll have six months this Friday. After sharing at a meeting tonight, I was told by a respected old-timer that I should not have been in the situation I was in. Which was with a cousin on a vacation where she drank some wine. I did not. He went on to say that I should not be friends with my friends anymore because they still drink. Also, that they are not my true friends. Well, I beg to differ. These people are not just drinking buddies. These are the people that got my butt in a pew for the first time in God knows how long, these are the people that have my back and have helped me in so many ways. Just because they drink, I should cut them off?
Alcohol is everywhere. I cannot dictate what others do with it, only myself. I don't have a problem being around people who are drinking. When I do, I'll remove myself from the situation like the OP did.
I guess I'm just kind of having a problem with the cookie cutter mentality of people, places, and things. I think every person and every situation is unique and should be viewed as such.
I'm also now left with the feeling that I'm a 'bad' AA because I'm not, nor do I anticipate that I will be, following the program to the exact letter. It is working for me, for that I am grateful.
I suspect that will get me told that that's my alcoholic brain leading me astray.
-- Edited by fleurchat on Monday 4th of July 2011 09:39:31 PM
I would never suggest someone give up the support of their social network, especially if they are single. We really need to be able to lean on those close to us, assuming they support our sobriety. I also think it's very important to develop new relationships with sober friends in the program, but one does not exclude the other.
If I was told I had to give up the love and support of the people who have been my substitute family for years, there's no way I would have stayed sober this long. Just my 2 cents.
fleurchat wrote:I was told by a respected old-timer that I should not have been in the situation I was in.
Ask this "respected old timer" where it says this in "The Big Book"
Actually our Program says the exact opposite of this, starting at the bottom of page 100 in the chapter "Working With Others"
Assuming we are spiritually fit, we can do all sorts of things alcoholics are not supposed to do. People have said we must not go where liquor is served; we must not have it in our homes; we must shun friends who drink; we must avoid moving pictures which show drinking scenes; we must not go into bars; our friends must hide their bottles if we go to their houses; we mustn't think or be reminded about alcohol at all. Our experience shows that this is not necessarily so.
We meet these conditions every day. An alcoholic who cannot meet them, still has an alcoholic mind; there is something the matter with his spiritual status. His only chance for sobriety would be some place like the Greenland Ice Cap, and even there an Eskimo might turn up with a bottle of scotch and ruin everything! Ask any woman who has sent her husband to distant places on the theory he would escape the alcohol problem.
In our belief any scheme of combating alcoholism which proposes to shield the sick man from temptation is doomed to failure. If the alcoholic tries to shield himself he may succeed for a time, but usually winds up with a bigger explosion than ever. We have tried these methods. These attempts to do the impossible have always failed.
So our rule is not to avoid a place where there is drinking, if we have a legitimate reason for being there. That includes bars, nightclubs, dances, receptions, weddings, even plain ordinary whoopee parties. To a person who has had experience with an alcoholic, this may seem like tempting Providence, but it isn't.
You will note that we made and important qualification. Therefore, ask yourself on each occasion, "Have I any good social, business, or personal reason for going to this place? Or am I expecting to steal a little vicarious pleasure from the atmosphere of such places?" If you answer these questions satisfactorily, you need have no apprehension. Go or stay away, whichever seems best. But be sure you are on solid spiritual ground before you start and that your motive in going is thoroughly good. Do not think of what you will get out of the occasion. Think of what you can bring to it. But if you are shaky, you had better work with another alcoholic instead!
Why sit with a long face in places where there is drinking, sighing about the good old days. If it is a happy occasion, try to increase the pleasure of those there; if a business occasion, go and attend to your business enthusiastically. If you are with a person who wants to eat in a bar, by all means go along. Let your friends know they are not to change their habits on your account. At a proper time and place explain to all your friends why alcohol disagrees with you. If you do this thoroughly, few people will ask you to drink. While you were drinking, you were withdrawing from life little by little. Now you are getting back into the social life of this world. Don't start to withdraw again just because your friends drink liquor.
I'm with The Rev Martin Luther King Jr on this one: Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity...
-- Edited by LinBaba on Wednesday 6th of July 2011 02:27:45 AM
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
Oh, Thank you, thank you for your posts! :) I went to my meeting tonight, said what was on my mind and was met with much the same response as given here. I feel soooo much better now! A weight has been lifted. TwelveSteps, I am single and I don't socialize much at all. I have a tight group of girlfriends that I see a few times a month if I'm lucky. To give that up would leave me with my two jobs and AA meetings. That doesn't seem very well-rounded to me. LinBaba, I especially like the line that says, "Let your friends know that they are not to change their habits on your account." I did that in about the same breath as I told them I was going to AA. After all, it's my issue, not theirs. Again, thank you!
I always just bring my own vehicle to drinking events now, even if it's with a friend or girlfriend, not because being around drinking threatens my sobriety any more, it's just being drunk is fun, being around drunks is tedious, that way I never ever ever have to wait for someone else to leave or have them get mad because I dragged them away from something they wanted to stay at, this was a dearly learned lesson that greatly simplified my life.
bring my own vehicle....it's that simple------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
LOL! Bring your own vehicle...that was hilarious to me, yet such a good response I thought...and just as you said, Quote: "it's that simple". LOL again.
And I'll have to remember that one, and apply it to myself. Btw, I'm glad I still have a vehicle.
-- Edited by Vearl on Wednesday 6th of July 2011 11:19:47 AM
TwelveSteps, I am single and I don't socialize much at all. I have a tight group of girlfriends that I see a few times a month if I'm lucky. To give that up would leave me with my two jobs and AA meetings. That doesn't seem very well-rounded to me.
Part of the reason I had to "break up" with my first sponsor is that she was married with teenage children, and she just didn't seem to get the VAST difference between (1) seeing your friends (even if some of them will be drinking) versus spending time at home with your family and (2) seeing your friends versus sitting home alone in your apartment -- nor did she get the fact that I didn't have the luxury of nurturing my support network by staying home, I had to actually go out and spend time with people.
Yes, going to meetings is important (and I definitely advocate for 90/90) but especially at first, you can't expect to get all of your emotional/support needs met by spending time with people you are only starting to get to know -- you need the support of those people who have know you for years and who remind you that "you can do it" because they've seen you deal with other challenges in the past, and can remind you that they love you and want you to be healthy.
My sponsor now is around my age, single, has 7 years of sobriety and works a great program while maintaining a powerful support network of friends and family both in and out of the program. She sets a great example for which I am incredibly grateful.
