Sometimes I need to work Step One backwards.I don't always recognize when I'm powerless, but I certainly notice when my life becomesunmanageable. Then I remember that usually when I'm feeling insane, I'm forgetting my powerlessnessand trying to control outcomes or other people. My life quickly deteriorates when I indulge myego and recklessly set out to change someone or something over which I have no control -- in otherwords, when I try to get my way. I can be stubborn about it, too, spending an inordinate amount of timeand effort to that end. The inevitable result is pain, frustration, and utter failure. Even if Iacknowledge my powerlessness, until I accept it, I still experience pain.
#####ROSIE.....for me, i see i am powerless when i take on something and it fights me this way....i try another approach and it fights me on THAT!!! when i begin to feel frustrated....it throw my hands up....a positive gesture to me....and i say *i am powerless....but my HP is NOT*......i back off...if it is something i HAVE to get done---deadline stuff...than i pray for a new way....i back off and **chill out* and answer comes.......when i start feeling the **crazies* or the **scrambly* feeling, like i am scrambling, than it is time to **release it from me*.........oh my life quickly goes *down the tubes* when i try to force my will/ego on something......fighting it trying to *overwrite* it, gives me the crazies real quick......i can be stubborn too, its the old *woundology* of the past.....i was helpless/ trapped with my perp.....i must keep telling myself, i am not EVER gonna be trapped/helpless like that again....that there IS a way....there IS help....there IS hope....and it lives within me as my **christ within*.....i am NOT alone and trapped......yep the end result of fighting it is pain......and i am tired of that.....frustration/ and bitterness, feeling like the victim!!! when all i gotta do is **toss it off me* and walk away....i am progressing, but i gotta keep at it, cause old patterns can slip right back in......oh yeah, even acknowledging it isn't enough, because i am still fighting it.....when i ACCEPT....the fighting stops....i feel my own release from it.........my tennis practice just LOVES to *hit me up with this crap* i am a pretty good little player, and i have a beautiful serve, but i can get a *glitch* in my toss sometimes and it goes LONG!!!! yesterday, when i felt that old "helplessness/ fighting it" feelings, i STOPPED.....i breathed...and said..."ok, lets SLOW down....breathe.....SLOW delivery" adn this was AFTER i practiced some other shots.....i came back to the serve with my new *stop--breathe---easy does it* and sure enough, i was bending my arm just a bit on the llifting up of the ball and thus throwing it too far in front of me, and thus, hitting it long....soon as i begain to **easy does it* i began serving nice serves where i wanted them...........for some reason , i get hit with this lesson a lot in the tennis, i guess it is because the *perfectionist* in me comes out....and i , there again, try to force my will, rather than **stop---go with the flow of energy and relax..easy does it*....i catch it better now than i did before.....i mean i am a LOT more peaceful on the courts than i used to be.........growing up as i did, having my own body/ mind/ emotions/ choice/ safety/ god/ hopes/ dreams taken away....it is still hard for me to **surrender* to anything....i still when i am not working the program, picture God as this capricious being who enjoys making us slaves to his will with no regard to what WE may feel/want........i have to work my program and llisten to my affirms all the time to overcome this **still shadowy* perception of God....it is so hard to look at God as diferent than our **earthly fathers* but i am slowly realizing that the SOURCE is not that way.....not enjoying himself yanking our strings like some sadistic puppet master ......my relationship with HP is improving with time, and work......it took time for me to have the hate/distrust for the source...its gonna take time for me to totally be able to ( i can't say surrender, it still triggers me) but i CAN say cooperate with...align myself with..... i am WILLING i am OPEN......i am PROGRESSING!!!! DONE
When I accept my powerlessness and surrenderto my Higher Power's will, however, I gain some measure of serenity and humility. I becomespiritually teachable. I wish I could say I always recognize and accept my powerlessness. If only Iasked my Higher Power for guidance, let Her do Her part while I do mine, and then went on fromthere. Often this process really does happen, but I'm human. Sometimes I need to go through theexperience of struggling with someone or something before I become willing to surrender and acceptreality once again.My recovery is about progress, not perfection. Each time I practice accepting my powerlessness, it comes closer to being a natural response. The good news is that with surrender and acceptance comesrelease from my pain.
########ROSIE......"surrendering to my HP's will" is still sensitive to me, but i am slowly developing a better perspective...that there IS really something greater than i who DOES have my best interest at heart....and i accept that i need the guidence/ protection/ wisdom from the source......i am making progress on this.....my willingness will carry me throgh....if the source is all understanding all compassionate all understanding he/she/it will understand my plight!!! ANY coneption i had of the source was horrible.....i know and i do accept that i had negative at least....evil at worst people teaching me about God......i had to tear it down and start all over again......i found it for the first time in this program.....before this program????? there wasn't any God for me!!!!! ...being WILLING has opened up my doors for new knowledge........i am learning where to leave off and let HP do the rest.....there are entities around this planet that are evil and stronger than i...so it behooves me to **turn the 'can't do's' over* to my HP.....i am getting there, sometimes i have my not so good days on the *giving over to HP thing*........after i get the crazies from *fighting it* i am ready WILLING to *give it up---detach--walk away* let the universe deal with it.......yep., good ole progress....slips and triumphs!!! i think my steps forward out do my steps behind......yep, when i accept, and let go.....i feel at peace!!!
Thought for the DayThe pain is not in the surrender and acceptance. It's in the resistance."I can hold onto my will until the situation becomes so painful that I am forced to submit,or I can put my energy where it can do me some good right now, and surrender to my HigherPower's care." *Courage to Change* , p. 269
#####ROSIE....oh yeah, i need to *staple this to my head* pain is NOT in surrender/accept...it is in fighting it............oh yeah, this makes me really see, that my way is NOT the best way all the time..........i don't want to be forced to give it up!!!! i want to see the signs early , before the pain kicks in...... what i need to do is make an affirm that *submitting to the perp caused DEstruction..............submittng to the source, causes CONstruction......* maybe , looking at this will help me do better with the **submission/ surrender* words that absolutley trigger me.......wow!!! i just did another step 4 on me......i had to for so long submit to evil.....i must tell my inner child that we are not ever going to go through that again......that *surrender* to something who loves/helps/heals me is good!!!!! thank you for this share......i got something BIG time out of this......DONE.
