I was told from the beginning of my recovery that you cant hang with your old friends. I thought ok.....makes sence that you wouldnt want to hang with the people you were with while self destructing. I have 2 friends who have stuck by me and love me for who I am. They still drink, how much? Not sure. One I know is in the madness. What Im getting at, and what is hard for me is....They support me by not drinking around me. But when I say they love me for who I am, its a lie. They dont know who I am. Sobriety changes you in many ways. Its not thier fault. I dont agree with alot of the way they think about life in general. I tend to act a bit fake around them. I am the one with the problem. One of the friends is always wanting to get something on the calendar to meet up. Today she wanted me to come over around 4 to sit by the pool. I just dont want to go. I would never want to hurt her, but I have changed. I dont feel like we have anything in common. I love her, but the common denomenator just isnt there. We pulled each other thru hard divorces and raising kids. I drank like a fish, more then her. I have been in recovery for 3 1/2 years. I live a very active lifestyle. I run half marathons. I attend AA meetings. She is not into any of those things. Our kids are older and out of school now. So i guess other then sitting around talking and eating snacks thats about all we have in common. Not her fault. I just feel so bad and hate that everytime she wants to plan something I drag my feet. I feel like I am leaving her behind. And sitting around eating snacks is not a good idea for a runner. lol Bet this doesnt make any sence but had to write out my feelings. If anyone else has had these feeling and can relate great. Let me hear from you. Other wise everyone have a great sober day!!
Hello Susie! Good to hear from ya!! Yes either all my using friends are gone(didnt make it) or the ones that did we just no longer share time,Its because I also have different lifestyle from them.I still have plenty of acquaintances that drink and use drugs but we are not even in the same realm together,Even the guys in the band choose not to drink or use around me, they may or their own time??I also have many things from running,to church,to meetings,to bands,to babysitting etc,that I stay occupied with and around "people that don't use. It just really evolved that way through the years.I have no problem with people that drink around me(they arent like I am) at family get togethers etc,I have been freed of the obsession and compulsion to pick up but that doesnt mean I stay in that environment,.I actually get bored when people around me get twisted.I do not preach, I live my recovery through the actions of my life. It actually becomes quite evident after awhile when people see you really are a '"changed " individual and probably will know you just prefer not to be around the environment,maybe not???You have to do what is condusive for you and be honest with your feelings.I actually have told others I just prefer not to be around the "party" any more,I did that for over 25 years and by God's grace and mercy have moved on...I can still love you and you me ,we just dont share common interests anymore. Be very difficult training for Boston Marathon or some event being around those smokin crack and drinkin turpentine or whatever!! Be true to yourself, be who you are now and others will see and maybe not invite you around and visa versa but it dont mean they dont care for you and you for them....Even with all the activity I keep myself at ,I am still a loner in my mind, I love down time,God, me and my wife,kids and really simple things....Truly blessed to be around for them huh!!! c ya!!
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Some of my friends made the transition with me into adulthood, some didn't, regardless of how much they drank, some just didn't grow emotionally, some did, regardless of how much they drank, even some sober people, we grow, sometimes together sometimes apart, there are a few -old- friends I remain in contact with -just because- you know? shared experiences and I view them as "concentrates", as in a little goes a long way, remaining in contact with a few of my old friends is more of a duty then a pleasure it feels like sometimes, but they are like family, I don't like all of them either
It all depends on how much I expect them to live up to my standards you know? I have one friend, we've been friends for 36 years or something, and we don't really have conversations, he talks at me, and if I try to participate in the conversation he either just interupts me and keeps on talking, or I just watch him wait for me to finish so he can pick up where he left off, so when I try to like...have a -real- conversation with him I get frustrated, and we even argue sometimes, but when I accept him for who and what he is, self centered to a delusional degree (he has adhd) we actually have a good time together and for some reason -then- he will listen even sometimes, but I have to -adjust- myself, and know I am not ...how to explain, I am not going to have a conversation with the same level of enlightenment, as some of my friends in the program that have working on themselves and their spiritual program for 20-30 years, see now that sounds mean, but it's not, he developed in other areas, he's one of the nations top biologists in his field, so that's where he directed his energy rather then on "self", but when I accept him, REALLY accept him as who and what he is we have a really good time together, although sometimes I have to just....listen...and listen....and listen...and -know- there won't be getting a word in edgewise orr being heard until he is done, and the trick with him is to just -listen-, not give advice, not give my opinion, because that's not what he wants, he just wants to say this stuff out loud, so smile, nod, and go to my happy place, and give him an ear
It's not like I -owe- these people anything, but they are deserving of my time and respect, not all of them mind you, but like I said, some of these folks are like family, and like family, I have to make allowances for them, not so much I want to poke my eyes out with a pencil, but...I think you know what I mean
and this is from a man who has severed contact with the entire maternal side of his family, so I have no problem with cutting relationships that are toxic, but some friends are woth a little tedium, it's all in what mind set I approach them with, let go of expectations, let in acceptance, and search for common ground for subjects, things we both share in common, things we both enjoy talking about.
Some friends are worth the effort, some people aren't, but I think we all go through it in sobriety, the first of the mid decade was kind of lonely for me in some ways, because I changed so much, I was lucky in that the "class of the early 90's" was a large one and I had a large fellowship to grow with to help me along with these issues
It all works out in the end, we end up leaving some people behind, we end up having some people that seem to never leave hahahahaha
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
Great thread. The only friends I had where I live now were drinking friends. I don't know whether they are alkies (I don't think many of them were, actually). We don't mix anymore, ever, cause I don't go the pub anymore. I'm not afraid of drinking anymore, I just don't want to be there. I see one or two of them on the street sometimes and I'll get a "hello Steve, long time no see" and that's about the limit of it. We never really mixed outside of the pub.
I went back home for the first time in sobriety back in January. I don't have many friends left there that I keep up with. One guy I used to drink with, I'm still in regular contact with, and I saw him.
I think that I've told the story on here already. He actually asked me before I could tell him, cause he'd noticed the difference right off the bat (makes me cringe to think that I was that obvious and constant a drinker! ;)). I started answering his question. In fact, it was also my amends meeting with him. Within about one minute he put his hand up and said "OK, that's cool." and then started to talk about something else. Turns out, he only ever hit it hard when I was around...and it is true, I always had more.
Other friends back home, I saw, and it was OK. Reality was, I always had a "less than" feeling when I'd see my non-drinking friends back home...AA has taken that away and...it felt a bit weird.
More important to me, frankly, were the bunch of new friends I made in the local AA meetings back home, at least one of whom I'm now in regular contact with. I'll see those guys at their meetings now whenever I go back home to visit.
Most of my new friends are in the Fellowship -- and I like it that way. :)
Steve
-- Edited by SteveP on Monday 20th of June 2011 05:23:49 PM
Wow I didnt think you guys would be able to see where I was coming from. I dont think I get what I want out as good as you all. But boy you all really hit the nail on the head and helped this alcoholic. Thank you , thank you!!!!
I agree with what everyone else had to say, but for me I had one exception...it was a woman that I met the first time for both of us in AA, we became inseperapble, like the sister I never had, I did have a real sister, but a person that was always so very cold, no one would how that hurt, but I did accept.
When Eileen and I started going to AA, she grabbed a woman that had about a year in, and asked her to loan her a lot of money to open up this flower shop. Eileen was so new, she did not know the rules about lending money to any one ever in ReCovering.....she wait about 5 months but she was not going to be getting any of the $5.000.00 she could, but with an attorney, but she said no to that, and left AA....she felt that AA represented a whole bunch of theives......we remained friends.......I had six solid months, that were great, had a great sponsor, working the steps, staying very close to others and thought I could afford to remain friends with Eileen..certainly cannot blame anyone for going back out which I did.......stay out there for 6 years, and our friendship was seperated by my moving up to Seattle which is where I got sober...I woould still talk to her on the phone, and tell her not to call me if she had been drinking..,,I did not know anything about copendency......and the relation really never stopped.....because the distance was so far did not feel any danger......then I got Sober in Seattle after a rock bottom, als did not know anything about the Progressing of Alcoholism.
When I came back to the same area, I gave her some very clear bounderies, my husband also loved him, but I was there alone to get my second year, and was thing of maybev moving back to Seattle, but no, I stay in Marin.....I think I had about 3 years in and made it a point of visiting her, with only ONE thing in Mind...a 12th step call...........she always commented how great it was to see me, I wanted her to see how if I could get sober......her Disease progressed rapidly and I could see how her life was now circling the drain....I would stop in once a week to see how she was doing......I remember how so clearly I was so very Powerless.......there was nothing I could do as she was probably in a Black out....then it progressed to her needing surgery, for some tear in one of her organs, and the Doc's told her, she had a problem, she needed the surgery to repair that organ but she did not have any liver left so surger was out... I wnt to the hospital every day, the put her in ICU and the one fateful night her body started bleeding out of every offific, she died with in hours.....probably a cautionary tale for many, but I never ever regreting stopping by her to see her, I alway wore sort of Armor around myself. As we know some drunks are still very warm and lovable and kind......I dont remember the drunk, I remember the person I knew inside.
So think after long response could have just said, their are exceptions to all rules...it was for me.
I'm sober today, regardless of who's on board. If my prior relationships are not in agreement with my lifestyle change, then so be it. I sobered up for myself not others. I only wish that some of my old friends could accept my alcoholism like I have. If they did, then there would be no more questions as to why? Great thread though...thanks to everyone for sharing.
Yes, I can relate. I now work out 5 x a week...go to church...avid reader... The activities I enjoy now are so radically different that I have nothing in common with the old friends I had. I just have less conscience than you when it comes to accepting I have grown apart from someone.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I understood your post first time thru, I didnt even have to re-read it. I felt like I was telling it.
I am 6 1/2 yrs sober. Before AA I had 3 best g/f's. 2 of them knew each other and the 3 of us drank/partied togehter alot. The other gal lived about 35 miles away and I drank Alot with her too. Just before I got sober, one of the gals died ... she was only 50. Peg smoked alot of pot, took alot of pills and was really very unhealthy besides.
About 2 yrs ago Rhonda died of liver failure waiting for a liver, she was 50 also.
Currently my last friend Beth is in a special care hospital for a few weeks cuz she is on kidney dialysis and has had surgery after surgery and problem after problem. She's been on dialysis for 4 yrs now.
Peg died just before I got sober. Rhonda died, and I hadnt seen her 2 years prior to her death. Now that Beth is so sick I have told myself that I need to stay more in touch with her. And I plan to.
When I got sober tho, I didnt have much in co mmon with these gals anymore. And it was awkward ... for me and for them. They didnt call me and I didnt call them much. It really was kinda sad ... like a death or divorce.
I realize I was intimidating to a degree without even trying. I mean, I was sober, and they werent. It was like I was some sort of threat to them. And I never preached. I still cared/care for them but Im a different person
Thanks Susie for sharing your esh, you helped me to realize that Im not alone .
lol Bet this doesnt make any sence but had to write out my feelings. If anyone else has had these feeling and can relate great. Let me hear from you. Other wise everyone have a great sober day!!
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