hi , i am rosie, recovering alcoholic......i cannot remember if this is off the "NA" daily or the "AA" daily.....i read both because i get so much out of them both!!!!! so i hope it is ok, that i gave my take on this daily with you all......peace/ rosie.......
i know when i decided to face life **sober* it got WORSE!!!!! cause i didn't have the 12 steps to guide me....now i have a safe place to run when i am getting the **crazies*.....the 12 steps!!!!!! peace to all!!!! and please take what works and leave the rest.....rosie
Amends Without Expectations
"Projections about actually making amends can be a major obstacle both in making the list and in becoming willing." Basic Text p.38……The Eighth Step asks us to become willing to make amends to all persons we have harmed. As we approach this step, we may wonder what the outcome of our amends will be. Will we be forgiven? Relieved of any lingering guilt? Or will we be tarred and feathered by the persons we've harmed?
######ROSIE…..when I did my first **run* on step 8 (list of whom I needed to make amends with) I was shocked to see me/inner child and God at the top of the list….well , semi shocked..step 4 kinda prepared me for it…but really seeing it on print, in my face, I thought , well I am not so scary, but for SURE I was goin to hell faster than superman can fly!!!!!! Would I be forgiven??? Sure hoped so!!!!! Did I have guilt??? Yep, cause I was sorry for the wrongs I did to ALL!!!! Tarred and feathered???? I wasn’t sure, cause they would have to catch me first!!!!!! I just went down the list, one by one, the hardest was poor God!!!! He took a beating from me in the old agnostic/ God hating/ God distrusting days!!!!! When I prayed about it…was honest about it with trusted others, I realized, and I can thank my sister , kay, for this, she told me “God knows your HEART!!! The REAL you!!!! And the real you is not this injured/ wounded/ sick little person you were---AND you are getting help for your problems” than she pointed out that if humans with their limited forgiveness powers can forgive me…..”Don’t you think God is even more apt to forgive???” that gave me a relief!!! It gave me courage to really **own my garbage*…and its true!!!! A lot of it WAS because of my horrendous injuries….i mean I felt compassion for me and I had not overcame the self defeater then, and I felt compassion for me…the fact that I was willing to **belly up to the bar and take my medicine* to **own my stuff* to face me and my actions, for SURE God would cut me some slack!!!! …I did these steps (8/9) to my eldest sister as well…now SHE is the one who abused ME!!! However I acted out, by getting in to her make up when I was a kid..i called her atrocious names…I beat her up once, when I was big enough to get even, and I really really put a beating on her!!!! So when I called her up and said “got a big minute??? I need to as part of my recovery, make amends--- and I want you to know that I accept responsibility for the things I did to you.” I listed the things I did, and I told her that I accepted responsibility for this and I was aware I did it!!!! Now mind you, she was so stunned she said nothing but “oh WOW!!!” that’s it!!! “oh WOW!!!” here I was braced for something exciting good or bad, and I got that!!!! I also noticed 2 other things!!!! 1--- her lack of “returning the favor” and 2—even tho she didn’t share in my “coming clean” session, I was the free one!!! I was free!!! Its like the negative bonds were severed…..it was **OK* that she didn’t’ say “well rosie, I am sorry I brutalized you and tried to kill you and beat you and the other kids with the big black strap” she did not return the favor!! And it was OK!!!! I did not care!!!! This was for me/ my freedom/ my side of the street was swept clean….it didn’t matter!!!! It was great!!!!! Whether they reciprocate or not, does not matter!!!! I was still freed!!!! I walked away free from the negative karma!!!!! She talks really nice to me now!!! Says I am a completely different person!!!! Like she enjoys talking to me now…even on occasion has said “I love you” so that amend must have gotten into her in some way!!!!! It was great!!!!
Our tendency to seek forgiveness must be surrendered if we expect to receive the spiritual benefits of the Eighth and Ninth Steps. If we approach these steps expecting anything, we're likely to be very disappointed with the results. We want to ask ourselves if we are pinning our hopes on gaining the forgiveness of the person to whom we are making amends. Or maybe we're hoping we'll be excused from our debts by some sympathetic creditor moved to tears by our hard-luck story.
######ROSIE….well I’ll tell you after doing my **step 8/9* stuff and not getting what I expected, it was ok!!! I walked away from it with **my side of the street clean*…I am satisfied for/ with me!!! They can do what they want with it…soon as I confessed or did the “these are the changes I am doing” thing, I was DONE with it….and not all were “I am sorry” things…some of the amends were CHANGES I was making in regards to them that was healthy for ME…and in the end healthy for them too…….i did not really have **expectations* of reciprocal statements or that my changes would be accepted, but that was ok….i can only have expectations of me……whether or not I am forgiven, is not in the equation!!! Its my **owning up* to the stuff that I was responsible for and accepting it, and making the changes re: better way of doing things….and for that I am very satisfied…..
We need to be willing to make our amends regardless of the outcome. We can plan the amends, but we can’t plan the results. Although we may not be granted a full pardon by everyone to whom we owe amends, we will learn to forgive ourselves. In the process, we will find that we no longer have to carry the burdens of the past.
Just for today: I will let go of any expectations I have on the people to whom I owe amends.
#######ROSIE…..i did it, it took me a while, but I got to everyone I can think of, could access, my others?? The ones whom I cannot find??? The WILLINGNESS was enough….the prayers I sent to them was enough….God of the universe can be my **mail carrier* and he did!!!!! I know the instant I became **willing* that was it!!!! It’s a **done deal* for me…..and most of all…..i forgive ME!!!!! The past is gone!!!! I did stuff out of trying to survive, and as a result of my injurins, and I owned up to it….accepted it….took action for it……now I do step 10 to keep the leaves off my side of the street…….i have to get out the push broom each day and do a **sweep job* on the little leaves and debris that blow in!!!!! it’s a constant vigilence!!! But oh so worth it!!!! Thank you DONE
