"As recovering addicts, acoas, or codas, we find that we are still dependent, but our dependence has shifted from the things around us to a loving God and the innerstrength we get in our relationship with Him."Basic Text pp.67-68 For many addicts, rebelliousness is second nature. We didn't want to depend on anyone or anything, and especially not on God. The beauty of living by our will , we thought, was that it gave us the power to be and feel anything we wanted, all by ourselves. But the price we paid for this illusory freedom was a dependence beyond our worst nightmares. Rather than freeing us, using enslaved us.
######ROSIE.....oh for me the rebelliousness was a huge issue!!! i had to **sucumb--surrender--acquiece* to my perp, and it was not going to happen again...having to **depend* on two people (parents) who at best abandoned me, at worst abused me...i had had it!!! i was takin care of me and to hell with the world!!! and, that thought scared me!!!! little me, all alone, sick, screwed up, scared tryin to fight this horrible world all by myself, but in my mind i had NO one NO where NO resources outside of me to help me....i was all alone!!!!!! i did not know God then, and what i did know?? i hated him (for not stopping abuse---abandoning me/ my prayers) and i distrusted him (saw him/her/it as punitive--remote--uncaring and predjudice--helped some but not others) so that was NOT for me!!!!! i did not realize that these were **teachings from the worst of sources!!!*.....i remember my father telling me over and over that "God wanted the fathers to teach their daughters about sex" i was horrified!!! "so that is why he didn't come rescue me"......the seeds for hate and distrust for God were born!!!! it would take decades later, and MONTHS of intense working this program for me to see that my complete perspective about God was a screwed up as my beliefs about me....about life!!! NONE of my **instructions* were right!!!! so i paid a heavey price!!!!! isolation/ helplessness/ alcohol abuse to numb the pain/ anxiety attacks from the outrage /grief/ and fear that were bubbling below my surface/ trying to fight this world alone nearly killed me!!!!! oh yeah, i thought i was a mouse on a treadmill....running like hell, but going nowhere!!!! i was burning out fast!!!!! i swear!!! no exaggeration!!!! if i had not gotten into recovery, my time here on earth was running out....the clock was ticking!!!!!! this program literally saved my life, because here, and ONLY here did i find the way to **look within* and not only look within but **find* my higher power AS i understood it!!!! at first the program was my HP, until the universal one could **seep into the concrete block called my heart*
When we came to recovery , we learned that dependence on God didn't have to mean what we may have thought it meant. Yes, if we wanted to be restored to sanity, we would need to tap "a Power greater than ourselves." However, we could choose our own concept of this Higher Power - we could even make one up. Dependence on a Higher Power would not limit us, we discovered; it would free us.
#######ROSIE....i had no healthy concept of the source!!!!! i mean, i had to complete tear down my beliefs...ALL of them, about EVERY aspect of my life and **start over*....imagine a dilapidated/ rat infested/ rotting old building where even the foundation has cracked in two!!!!!! how do you fix it???? you don't!!!! you tear it down and begin again with new concrete and build up from there!!! that is what i had to do with my entire life/ belief system....nothing i had been **taught* in my childhood was any good.....so **squash that sculpting* and rebuild!!!!! this program enabled me to adopt a HP **of my understanding* that key phrase saved me from walking away from this program!!!!! if it had been a bunch of relegion and preaching about a certain God, a **my way for the highway* situation, i would have walked!!!! but it did not!!! it said "God of my understanding" well i could handle that!!! i was certainly willing/ open to change!!! my way was not working, so why NOT try another way?????? and yes, the more i depend on my HP, detach and turn over???? the more power i seem to end up with....its so funny/ ironic....the more i give UP....the more i end up with!!!!!!
The Power we find in recovery is the power we lacked on our own. It is the love we were afraid to depend on others for. It is the sense of personal direction we never had, the guidance we couldn't humble ourselves to ask for or trust others to give. It is all these things, and it is our own. Today, we are grateful to have a Higher Power to depend on.Just for today: I will depend on the love and inner strength I draw from the God of my own understanding
#####ROSIE....oh yeah, self will/ white knuckling it/ being my own 'god' does NOT cut it for me!!!!! the love and encouragement i found here!!! the healing i am doing , the little miracles i am seeing in my life...the **behind the scenes* protector/ guidence/ encouragement/ AND friend i am becomming acquainted with...and all i gotta do is **look within* to tap into this resevoir of good!!!! all i did was be open and willing.....commit to being totally honest in working my program.....be humble.....be WILLING and OPEN to changing me......**releasing the karma and detaching....allowing the source to work divine action*......i can **air my dirty laundry* and not be judged, but i am loved/ accepted/ freeing myself of all these **emotional cockroaches*.....i am NOT alone!!! learning to trust, one step at a time!!!!!......TODAY i depend on my HP as i understand it!!! DONE
