I am new here. I have never admitted that I am an alcoholic. The truth is, I am an alcoholic. I live in a very small town and am afraid to attend meetings because I am well known. I have a copy of the Big Book and just began reading. I have so much work to do and yet I'm terrified of exposing myself. I've tried every trick I can think of to not drink but "tricks" fail. I'm not sure what to do next. I just know that everything I've tried to stop drinking has failed. The hardest part of this is that I didn't start drinking until I was in my 50's and involved in a failing relationship. Prior to that time, I didn't go through a bottle of Vodka in 6 months. Now, I can put away two bottles of wine and get up the next morning like nothing has happened. How does a person live a sober life of responsibility for 50+ years and then suddenly in mid-life become a drunk? I have been drinking like this for 5 years. The relationship is over but the addiction is alive and well.
I'd suggest you check this out to get the answers to the questions you asked.
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/
As for the small town part: I live in a small town (pop 1500 approx) and I worried about those sort of things but I was pretty amazed to find out that people who did find out that I was in AA were very supportive and are pleased that I am doing it. It doesn't matter to me anyway these days as I have absolutely no shame about being the one that drew the short straw with this disease. The shame would have been in not doing anything and letting it destroy me.
I'd suggest you check this out to get the answers to the questions you asked.
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/
As for the small town part: I live in a small town (pop 1500 approx) and I worried about those sort of things but I was pretty amazed to find out that people who did find out that I was in AA were very supportive and are pleased that I am doing it. It doesn't matter to me anyway these days as I have absolutely no shame about being the one that drew the short straw with this disease. The shame would have been in not doing anything and letting it destroy me.
Welcome Amora! You are right where you need to be. We all have unique life experiences and paths which help shape who we are. Everything you have been through is an important piece of the puzzle, an important part of you, even the painful stuff. Through pain comes healing. I'm glad to see you reaching out. That takes tremendous courage to admit you are an alcoholic. Sounds like you are on Step One: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and our lives have become unmanageable. There is a solution in AA, and it is a simple program. Take the steps, work with a sponsor, go to meetings. You will experience a new freedom and a new hope. Feelings of uselessness and self pity will vanish. The part of you that is afraid of exposure is your ego, it is not the true you.
With help from AA, the fellowship, and my higher power, I have learned to set aside my self will and discover my purpose, which is my God's true purpose for me. This happens on a daily basis and is a life long process. It is also a very rewarding process that brings inner peace. The urge to drink will be lifted. You don't ever have to drink again, even if you want to. :)
Again I welcome you! Hope someone says something that helps you to begin this journey. It's not so scary. Just don't drink today. Don't drink between meetings. One day at a time, you can do this.
Aloha Amora and welcome to the board and the door of recovery. Don't know if this will help...it helped me. The awareness that alcoholism is a disease and not a moral issue helped me understand that my alcoholic/addict wife and myself were sick and not bad. Lots of friends and relatives would see us going to the doctor for this or for that illness and it didn't matter. Going for help for alcoholism after we came to understand what that really was (a life threatening disease, which resulted in insanity and or death if not arrested by total abstinence) was the right thing to do and why we did and still do at least for me. Today...this time this morning I have not drank anything mind and mood altering that may cause me to loose my sanity and result in death and I have just returned from a morning meeting. I'm doing part of what was suggested as a program of recovery from alcoholism; a cunning, powerful and baffling disease which if not arrested by total abstinence will result in...
Try practicing what we do to stop and stay that way for today. Keep coming back here to learn more. (((((hugs)))))
Alcoholism had cost me dearly, but I was not prepared to die because I did not want to accept the help offered to me. I told everybody I am an alcoholic, but the strange thing was that nobody wanted to believe me, my wife included. It was only by reading and studying the AA book & going to many meetings & eventually submitting to a sponsor that I my self was convinced that I was an alcoholic, & if I did not take the steps necessary to recover I will most certainly die of this illness. I heard an AA share once, that it was not necessary to build a reputation but it was only important what God knew of me & that was character.
I heard it said best when I first came thru the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous ...
If you want to stop drinking, you're gonna have to stop drinking. Its really as simple as that.
If I knew why some ppl become alcoholic at a later age or an early age, I seriously doubt Id be here right now. It has been my experience that alcoholism doesnt stop and take a look at how old/young a person might be before or while it is attacking such person.
I understand completely Amora about your reluctance to go to mtgs in your small town. I too live in a small town, Im a business owner and a native here too. I figured after awhile that if it would be better if someone ( accidentally ) saw me going into/ or out of an AA meeting than to have them see me stumbling out of the bar, or falling off the bar stool or possibly seeing my name in the local paper for yet another dui charge.
I realize how scarry it can be. It is difficult to let go of booze and imagine a life without it. But it can be done ... what are you willing to do ??
I figured after awhile that if it would be better if someone ( accidentally ) saw me going into/ or out of an AA meeting than to have them see me stumbling out of the bar, or falling off the bar stool or possibly seeing my name in the local paper for yet another dui charge.
Is your drinking making you unhappy? Sounds like it. Does that matter more than what othe people think of you. YES. Will you look like a weak person for going to AA. NO Is it admirable to seek help for problems? YES Is it noble to suffer in silence? No Do most people probably already know you drink a lot? YES If you can get sober, will it give your life tremendous meaning to be able to reach out to some other person in their 50s who thinks they can never stop drinking and can't possibly go to meetings cuz of their image? YES and that is probably the most important reason to go.
Be who your higher power intend you to be...the first step is humbling yourself by going to some meetings.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
