I'm a new member here and would like to make contact with someone that shares a story similar to mine. I am in agony at this moment that I have made the mistake of drinking again, yet my path has been different from most of the alcoholics I've known.
I began drinking at the age of 18. It was binge drinking up until the age of 21. I went through a year and a half period where I drank as often as I could as much as I could. I was evicted from my apartment, went to jail for a DUI, and eventually sobered up for five solid years, no relapses.
In the past ten years, I've drank a total of 10-15 times, but each time I've come close to killing myself, experienced problems that endured throughout a year long period. What is a 1 day binge turns into at least a year of trying to get my life in order, which turns into another binge the next year. It's like limbo.
Drinking makes me miserable. I wholeheartedly never want to drink again, but for the past five years drink at least twice per year on a bender that wrecks my entire life for the rest of the year. I've done it again this year (June and November seem to be the months I break down in).
Please... if anyone has a similar history, tell me what helped you to finally break this chain. I must do this. I'm eventually going to kill myself.
I went to AA, got a sponsor, worked the steps, got sponsees, worked the steps with them, and surrounded myself with sober people, and immersed myself in the program, first by helping myself, then by helping others, I went to a LOT of meetings in those early years
It aint how often we drink, it's what happens -when- we drink that makes us a separate entity known as alcoholics, and it doesn't matter what kind of alcoholic we are, the steps work for us all
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
I had a sponsee with that pattern. I do not know if he ever broke the cycle because last I heard he almost killed himself again on a bender. He only did benders...did not do the insideous slip into drinking daily like I did. But when he went on a bender it was toxic alcohol poisioning each time. All of his relatives and his partner were scared to death for him. I talked to all of them while he was about to die but the critical part missing was that they all wanted recovery for him more than he wanted it for himself. He had so many disappointments in his life that he wanted to die and was in denial about actually repeatedly being hellbent on committing suicide in front of everyone he cared about.
I can identify with you a little bit...only in that I know if I drank, it would not be a couple drinks...I would go out big time and get wasted. Controlled drinking was never fun or even possible for me to begin with. In a way it seems like you have a leg up on this because you know you cannot do controlled drinking. You just have to be willing and care enough to go to any lengths so as to stop relapsing. Your step 1 will be cemented once you truly accept that not only does drinking = death for you, but that you actually WANT TO LIVE...
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
My alcoholism, which is in long-term remission, gets real toxic real fast (I was a binge/episodic drinker) and then pitches me into the spiral of destruction and depression. I need to use all the tools of the program to the maximum of my ability to get a chance at life. It is a blessed relief to get off the death train. It does require not drinking, though. And not drinking requires a whole lot more than just willing that it be so. Hope you go to some live meetings and give it a chance.
Thanks for making contact. The inevitable will happen again if you don't take action now. Your drinking history is evidence of that. I suggest you slide into an AA meeting and jump in with both feet before the insanity of this disease gives you a final curtain call. The first step talks about powerlessness and unmanageability, so read the step in its entirety before you make any plans with the mortician. AA can help you overcome the urge to drink, by providing you with a set of tools that can help maintain a comfortable sobriety. This forum can be your lifeline as well, so keep connected and never give up. We won't, neither should you.
~God bless~
-- Edited by Mr_David on Tuesday 14th of June 2011 02:10:16 AM
I thought I was different when I came into AA, but my 1st & only relapse convinced me that I was an alcoholic. I did not need anybody to tell me that. My own experience & the "Doctor's Opinion" in the AA book convinced me beyond a shadow of doubt that I definitely was an alcoholic. I also learned that if I did not choose recovery as quick as possible, then I will progress on to a point where recovery will be impossible. The AA book says that there are those who do not recover, and I most certainly did not want to end up in that category. That was some 22years ago.
