This is the first time for me. After being booted out of the Al-Anon posts (when I already feel like an outcast), I am reluctant to repost TOM, but I need advice.
I Have been drinking since I was 16. Heavily since I was 18. I'm now 28. Was addicted to pain pills (and alcohol) after I graduated college (2005). Got off of pain meds two years later (2007) and started having panic attacks. I went to the doctor, they said I have anxiety. They prescribed Xanax. I have been taking Xanax (and drinking) for the past 4 years.
Past relationships have been shitty. I was in an abusive one for 5 years and he was an alcoholic. I was arrested for domestic violence after defending myself and spent 72 hours in jail. Finally, I left. After another couple of failed relationships, mainly due to my drinking and the guys being assholes, I met the love of my life. He was/is perfect.
Bo has put up with so much of my shit I don't even know where to begin. When we first met, I told him I drank a lot. I told him it had caused problems in past relationships but that I had never cheated, but I was always cheated on.
I would get angry when I drank... there were more than a few times that we would be having fun with friends and then we would get in the truck to go home and I would LAY IN TO HIM--VERBALLY (and not the good kind of way ;) ). I would wake up the next morning feeling like shit for two reasons. One, I had a headache, and sometimes a migraine... and two, I hurt this man who was doing nothing but giving me all he has. (tear).
So... I made the decision one morning to get help. Bo drove me to the college to speak with a psychologist who referred me to an outpatient program. I ended up going to this program once a week and coming home with "tools". These tools included: identifying triggers, not drinking during those triggers (ie: boredom, sad, angry, celebratory) and being conscious of the consequences of being drunk. It was basically to moderate my drinking. I was to have no more than three drinks a week and no more than two drinks a day.
Well... this worked for a while (as long as I was in the program). I didn't stick to the goal, but it seemed like the drinking was more controllable than before. Bo and I would make "deals" about when I could have liquor and when I couldn't. We would both smoke pot (he did usually every night) and drink together when boating or in social environments. I would argue with him sometimes about why I couldn't have liquor and use others to get me liquor because I knew he wouldn't make a scene. SHITTY GIRLFRIEND, HUH!?
Let's cut to the chase--I was accepted to a Master of Science program at a reputable university and have worked my ass off for the past year and a half to get here. I went back to college after 4 years just to take pre-reqs for this program.
It is summer... I work at a resort and am surrounded by "drinkers" ... your "typical" boaters/fisherman--they USUALLY go together (yes, not all the time). I chose alcohol over Bo. I knew that if I hung out with these people I could have fun and not be moderated. Bo had turned in to an authoritarian instead of a partner in my eyes. Not his fault, he had every right to be.
So here we are. I got wasted and cheated on him. He even drove to the bar I was at and gave me the opportunity to get in the truck and go home with him and I denied. I have moved out of the house and per my request, Bo took me to an intake place for an assessment. I will call tomorrow to find out if they have a "bed" for me and how long it might be.
We (Bo & I) are having trouble coping with what happened while also looking forward towards my recovery. If it's not me reminding myself of what I did, it's him--HOW DO WE PROCEED FORWARD IN A HEALTHY, POSITIVE AND PROACTIVE WAY? What resources can I give him to help him?
ANY SUGGESTIONS ARE WELCOME. THANK YOU FOR READING, IT REALLY MEANS A LOT.
-- Edited by ChelseaOT on Sunday 12th of June 2011 03:08:45 PM
-- Edited by ChelseaOT on Sunday 12th of June 2011 03:10:11 PM
-- Edited by ChelseaOT on Sunday 12th of June 2011 03:18:49 PM
-- Edited by ChelseaOT on Monday 13th of June 2011 11:23:31 AM
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his roots grasped a new soil
one is one too many and one more will never be enough
faith has to work twenty four hours in us and through us or we perish
You may not like this advice, but I think you should put everything else in your life on hold, including relationship with Bo and school, until you can get absolutely clean and sober and stay that way at least one year. It sounds like your whole way of looking at your life needs re-adjusting.
Good luck to you sister.
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Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's, and unto God that which is God's.
Just a question, how am I looking at life wrong? I am getting help... recognizing a problem and wanting and am ready to commit to fixing it. What is skewed about that?
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his roots grasped a new soil
one is one too many and one more will never be enough
faith has to work twenty four hours in us and through us or we perish
you and Bo need to forgive yourself, that will take time. You need to Pray for help, guidance and forgiveness. Now the easy part, just quit drinking, no more excuses just do it. You sound like and educated person but you cant think yourself sober. Work the 12 steps, get a sponsor, go to meeting, sit down and shut up. Bo will need to give you the space to do all of the above, unless you get help and fix yourself you will be good to nobody. Good luck.
P.S. If you dont believe in a higher power, find a good meeting with people that have some serious time sober and use them for your higher power. We alcoholics can help you get and stay sober, the relationship part is up to you.
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The smallest of good deeds is greater than the best of intentions.
Anonymous
Chelsea, it sounds like you're only willinq to try and qet sober to save the relationship. Not once in this ramble-o-thon have you spoke about doinq it for yourself, so that you can funtion without abusinq alcohol and druqs, just to make it throuqh the day. From your description of this and previous relationships, you really don't have a clue what your issues are. Tryinq to fix you, while in a relationship, is like tryinq to fix your car while you're drivinq it down the road. It's just not qoinq to happen. A person's chances of qettinq clean And sober are less than 1 in 20. Doinq it while in a dysfunctional relationship, probably 1 in 100. Do you feel lucky?
Consider lettinq him qo, qettinq sober for a year and takinq a look at it in the future, IF you two havn't outqrown each other. Keep this in mind, he is sick too, just for beinq attracted to an abusive alcoholic/addict (your description). He's not qoinq to qet any healthier, inside of a sick relationship either. Sorry that I didn't have anythinq more positive to say, but I've seen this movie a thousand times, it always ends the same way and I once starred in it.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Sunday 12th of June 2011 05:53:18 PM
Nothing wrong with wanting to get help and making steps in that direction. The point is, addicts in general have many of the problems they do because of the way they look at life. Things that upset them, things they consider obstacles. It takes time and focusing on yourself to overcome that. Being in a relationship and going to school while doing that can be extremely challenging.
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Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's, and unto God that which is God's.
Halfwolf, thank you for your insight... I love the positive outlook. I am absolutely doing this for myself-not JUST TO SAVE MY RELATIONSHIP. I miss being sober, healthy and clear headed. I miss not having self confidence and relying on a substance to give me it. I look forward to making changes and while I'm scared of the unknown (road to get there), I hope that realizing the benefits will help keep me motivated throughout life. I will find out more information tomorrow about a bed and Bo & I understand we won't be able to be together while this goes on. He does, however, want to be supportive and involved (which I'm nervous about because I'm scared he will only remind me of my mistakes). Thank you again for the support.
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his roots grasped a new soil
one is one too many and one more will never be enough
faith has to work twenty four hours in us and through us or we perish
welcome to the forum if you are actually serious about getting sober AA is the place i found that worked for me, in AA all we have to be is Honest, Open Minded, and Willing,and have an honest desire to quit drinking, thank god no one told me I had to quit my job or break up with my girlfriend when I came to AA, because in AA we don't give advice, we share our experience, strength and hope, and we work the 12 steps which give us a personality change sufficient to recover from alcoholism. It's actually suggested that we make no major changes our first year but I learned just getting sober and working the steps changes happened because i changed.
the truth of the matter is i was in exactly the same situation as you when I found AA, I wanted to stop drinking and cheating on my girlfriend, and I found there were two communities in AA, the folks that gave me advice like "avoid triggers", "avoid slippery places" and "change your playmates and playgrounds", and the ones that shared "what is was like, what happened, and what it's like now", and they told what they did to stay sober, which was work the steps and then help others, the ones that worked the steps are still sober today 20 years later, the rehab parrots have fallen by the wayside or died or ended up working the steps.
I kept my job (bartending) and stayed with my girlfriend and got sober, as the years passed my GF and I parted ways, drinking people used to get weird about me bartending sober, but I told them "look I don't care about your drinking, I got sober for me, if you want to get sober mon, wed, and fridays i am at a meeting, if you want to get drunk, thu, sat and sunday I am bartending, I will be happy to see you at either place.
I got sober in AA by following suggestions like "go to 90 meetings in 90 days" and .get a sponsor and work the steps" because that is what worked with them, and if I can, anyone can, and if I WERE to give you any "advice" it would be stay away from people who give advice in AA, like "quit school"
it's "if you want what we have, do as we did" NOT "do as I say as I tell you to do something I didn't do myself", we call that "sharing outside our experience" and it has nothing to do with AA
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
all I found in AA is love and acceptance and a roomful of people just like me and you, who have walked in our shoes, seriously, no one will tell you "what to do" but "this is what we did" and when I got sober all of us were either in college or we went back to college, we come to AA to get a life, not give up our life and be consigned to an existance where we are, to quote our book "stupid, boring, and glum"
AA is the only place in the world I can walk into any meeting anywhere in the world and remenisce with a room full of people I have never met
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
I can relate to everything you said, especially when you talked about relationships and how our drinking affects everyone. My life had similar parallels to yours, including the relationship dilemma and how that unfolds from here. My family life eventually straightened out and your relationship dilemma can as well, provided you take certain steps of course. My only course of action to solve my ever growing family debacle was to sober up and I've been able to remain in good standing with my family and my sobriety for the past 10 years, by the grace of God and the fellowship of "AA" -one day at a time. I hope you find a bed and start the process of sobering up and I hope Bo and yourself remain close, regardless of how it unfolds from here. Please...stay in touch and never give up hope. We won't, neither should you.
~God bless~
-- Edited by Mr_David on Monday 13th of June 2011 01:45:46 AM
You don't have to quit school, or loose the relationship. Not a requirement of AA. There is only one requirement for sobriety and that is "a desire to stop drinking". I think you've got that covered.
What I am hearing from your original post is that you were involved in "a" program. One that identified triggers, and encouraged moderating one's drinking. Ok for some people, I'm sure, but since that hasn't worked in your case I suggest (based on my experience) that working the 12 steps of AA (AKA the AA Program) will work for you.
The 12 steps are suggested as a program of recovery. It's worked for me, and others. As a matter of fact, we've rarely seen a person fail that has thouroghly followed our path ( the text is contained in the first 164 pages of the book "Alcoholics Anonymous" (AKA the "Big Book")
Rainspa
Bonus Hint: Going to meetings without working the steps isn't "the path" and thus, won't get you or keep you sober.
Double Bonus: Need help with any of this? Voulenteers are standing by. THEY are here and at meetings in your area.
Oh...I'm one of them.
-- Edited by Rainspa on Monday 13th of June 2011 01:47:01 AM
-- Edited by Rainspa on Monday 13th of June 2011 01:48:15 AM
You don't have to quit school, or loose the relationship. Not a requirement of AA. There is only one requirement for sobriety and that is "a desire to stop drinking". I think you've got that covered.
What I am hearing from your original post is that you were involved in "a" program. One that identified triggers, and encouraged moderating one's drinking. Ok for some people, I'm sure, but since that hasn't worked in your case I suggest (based on my experience) that working the 12 steps of AA (AKA the AA Program) will work for you.
The 12 steps are suggested as a program of recovery. It's worked for me, and others. As a matter of fact, we've rarely seen a person fail that has thouroghly followed our path ( the text is contained in the first 164 pages of the book "Alcoholics Anonymous" (AKA the "Big Book")
Rainspa
Bonus Hint: Going to meetings without working the steps isn't "the path" and thus, won't get you or keep you sober.
Double Bonus: Need help with any of this? Voulenteers are standing by. THEY are here and at meetings in your area.
Oh...I'm one of them.
-- Edited by Rainspa on Monday 13th of June 2011 01:47:01 AM
-- Edited by Rainspa on Monday 13th of June 2011 01:48:15 AM
Ditto, +1.
Welcome to the board Chelsea. I've done the drinking, I've done the cheaing.
If I work the AA program, I stay sober. Simple as that.
So I left a message for the woman that is going to find a facility for me to stay in and I'm waiting to hear back.
After hearing all of the kind positive and insightful words posted above, I feel that I should change the post from "advice needed" to "please share uplifting stories!" :) ...
Question--If this is going to be such a wonderful thing for me (and I 10000000% believe it will be, I have THAT going for me ) then why do I cry when I think about entering rehab?
Why do I worry about how to act when others bring up alcohol? Or when we are watching a movie (Bad Santa was on last night AND Family Guy was about Peter visiting his "sober" life and his "alcoholic" life and how it affected his family... COINCIDENCE!???! ) and it involves drinking and drugs?
Why do I have a positive outlook for my future but mixed feelings about the changes that are about to take place? I'm definitely scared... probably scared of the unknown--but just thinking about an AA meeting makes me cry--why is that??
If I know that this is the best decision for me, how do I overcome these "sad" feelings, if that's what they are?
Can anyone relate?
__________________
his roots grasped a new soil
one is one too many and one more will never be enough
faith has to work twenty four hours in us and through us or we perish
Because its the unknown. We fear what do not know or what we can not control. Thats where the HP kicks in. Have faith that you are on the right journey to a better way of life. Doesnt mean your not scared, but have faith that you are in good hands. Awesome journey is all I can say. Way better then any buzz I ever had!!!! Good luck and keep posting you help us all when you do!!
I think we can ~all~ relate, quitting drinking is like losing our best friend, the one constant in an unstable world, the one thing we could always rely on, but it has boomerranged on us, turned on us, and its no longer healthy or beneficial, so we had to let it go.
you can do what I did, which was cry and say goodbye
here is something I learned that was of critical importance to me, alcohol wasn't "the problem", it was the solution, it was the thing that allowed me to live in a world I never really fit in, when I drank I was happy, joyous and free, but there came a day when it stopped working for me, when it caused far more problems then it solved, then I thought my problem was drinking, but the truth was drinking was just me masking the problem, that is what the 12 steps are about, they enable me to live in a world and be alcohol free and be happy, joyous and free without drinking, quitting drinking was only part of the solution, if I DIDN'T work the steps all I was was untreated with all of the same feelings of discomfort and fear, just with no alcohol, it was actually worse then when i drank
you can call the local AA hotline and some women will be more then happy to meet you somewhere and take you to your first meeting and even hold your hand, and dont worry about them telling you to quit school or dump your BF, even our founders were in relationships when they ~started~ AA, neither of them had to give up their careers or marriages to get sober and neither have millions of other alcoholics, in some, even many cases we do outgrow the relationships we are in, but AA,s "official" stance on relationships is "it's none of our business", or to quote "counsel with others is often desirable but we let God be the final judge" Sure we have sex problems, we are human, but we want to stay out of this controversy, and then he lays out probably the most practical, pragmatic approach to relationships I have ever seen, but that is in step 4, cross that bridge when you come to it.
our first step says we are powerless over alcohol and that our lives have become unmanageable, in just a few short hours or even less you can find out if that is 100% true for you by sitting down with a recovered alcoholic and going over some chapters in our basic text, then you will be on your way to recovery
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
Chelsea, it takes courage to recognize you need help and reach out. I am very proud of your bravery! All that has been said is true. Looks to me like you are powerless over alcohol and your life has become unmanageable. You have looked to others to moderate your drinking, but that didn't work. You have admitted putting alcohol before your significant other and that it has gotten out of control. Congratulations! You have reached Step One, which is: We admitted we are powerless over alcohol and our lives have become unmanageable! The 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous WORK.
If you want what we have and are willing to work on sobriety as hard as you worked on your drinking career, your life is about to get much, much better. I agree with putting your recovery first. If you do not get healthy you cannot be of any use to anyone in a relationship. I say this to protect not just you, but the people who you would hurt in a relationship.
If you remember nothing else of what I say to you, please remember this. You are not a bad person. You are a sick person. ALL OF US have done things we are not proud of in our insanity (this disease of alcoholism), and we need the help of AA and a higher power to relieve us of this misery, pain, shame, and guilt.
You can do it. Check out an AA meeting and see what you think. Listen for similarities, not differences. Listen to those who have been in the program a while and have some years of sobriety- listen for the hope. It is there! If you want what we have (freedom, peace, joy, love, fellowship, sanity) you will most likely have to do what we have done to get there (working the steps, getting a sponsor, praying, going to meetings). It is a simple program, but that is not to say it will be easy. The only thing you have to change...is everything! :)
We've all been there. So glad you found us! Welcome home, my friend. Let us love you until you can love yourself. Your sister in recovery, Heather (ONE YEAR BIRTHDAY COMING JULY 1, 2011, God willing!)
Sooooooooooo... WENT TO 2 AA MEETINGS TODAY . Someone bought me a Big Book and I got a white chip. I am getting waves of emotion. It's a little confusing. While I know this is the best thing and it is going to give me all of the things I want in my life, I also am getting waves of sadness and fear. Sadness and fear of what, I don't know. I feel like if I knew where those feelings were comin from, I could fix it. I know, I know... powerless. But ... I just ... can't explain it. I mean it IS the first day.
At least I didn't have a beer tonight. Which is my normal ritual... not getting drunk, but coming home and having a couple of beers was my thing. I feel like the habit piece of this is going to be one of the hardest parts. My spirits are high though, even through my tears. Thank you all for your kind words and I hope we can continue this thread through my journey. While I probably should start another one, I feel like it is important to remember why I got to where I am. Or maybe not... I don't know. But for now it feels right to remember why & how.
AND WHEN WILL I QUIT GLARING AT ALL OF THOSE NORMAL PEOPLE WHO ARRRRRRRRRRRRRE ABLE TO DRINK??
__________________
his roots grasped a new soil
one is one too many and one more will never be enough
faith has to work twenty four hours in us and through us or we perish
It's day 3 of sobriety and 4 AA meetings under my belt. In my meeting today I was speaking to another person and I said it was getting better every day. He said it isn't supposed to be that easy. Now I feel like I should be struggling keeping myself from drinking... WTH!? I still have that craving when I'm in habitual situations (such as coming home and popping a beer) but I remember what I am working towards and it goes away and I am filled with a sense of happiness and confidence.
THOUGHTS ARE WELCOME ON THIS ONE........ my mom is asking me questions about whether they should drink or not when I come to visit and I am having enough trouble thinking for myself I can't do the thinking for someone else. It is slightly irritating. It's like I'm so tired of feeling like I have to make everyone else feel ok about my sobriety. I'M OK WITH IT, WHY ARE THEY MAKING IT SUCH A BIG DEAL?? I'm not, but THEY ARE MAKING IT A BIG DEAL. (sigh...). I guess I'm either PMSing or this is part of the sobriety deal... I'm SLIGHTLY IRRITABLE & EASILY FRUSTRATED. Like I said... it's hard enough to think for myself right now.
Hope everyone is well and I am grateful for today--
"His roots grasped a new soil" -Bill's Story p12
"Faith has to work 24hrs a day in us and through us or we perish" -Bill's Story p16
__________________
his roots grasped a new soil
one is one too many and one more will never be enough
faith has to work twenty four hours in us and through us or we perish
It's day 3 of sobriety and 4 AA meetings under my belt. In my meeting today I was speaking to another person and I said it was getting better every day. He said it isn't supposed to be that easy. Now I feel like I should be struggling keeping myself from drinking... WTH!? I still have that craving when I'm in habitual situations (such as coming home and popping a beer) but I remember what I am working towards and it goes away and I am filled with a sense of happiness and confidence.
THOUGHTS ARE WELCOME ON THIS ONE........ my mom is asking me questions about whether they should drink or not when I come to visit and I am having enough trouble thinking for myself I can't do the thinking for someone else. It is slightly irritating. It's like I'm so tired of feeling like I have to make everyone else feel ok about my sobriety. I'M OK WITH IT, WHY ARE THEY MAKING IT SUCH A BIG DEAL?? I'm not, but THEY ARE MAKING IT A BIG DEAL. (sigh...). I guess I'm either PMSing or this is part of the sobriety deal... I'm SLIGHTLY IRRITABLE & EASILY FRUSTRATED. Like I said... it's hard enough to think for myself right now.
Hope everyone is well and I am grateful for today--
"His roots grasped a new soil" -Bill's Story p12
"Faith has to work 24hrs a day in us and through us or we perish" -Bill's Story p16
I'm going to respond to this because I derive some amusement from it, amused because I remember this so well
He said it isn't supposed to be that easy.
Then you go OFF on a rant
That's what he was talking about, to say we have mood swings in early sobriety is like saying the Titanic was a boat, it's like there we are driving along saying, Gosh golly this sobriety thing is easy and I feel grea...and someone cuts us off in traffic and RAWR!!! you mother ^%#&^$@#&% did your mother have any children that lived you U%#&^$%#68!!!!!!!
(side note I have actually heard shares about people chasing each other down in road rage then hopping out ready to brawl and seeing the other person is in their home group...sheepish grins all around...oops...umm...serenity now SERENITY NOW SERENITY NOW )
for me I used the phone a LOT in early sobriety, get numbers and use them
the way it was explained to me was anything we used alcohol for, we never learned how to do, dealing with irritation, have a shot, nervous? have a drink, stress, have a few cocktails, so we have spent years burying this stuff and when it comes up it comes with a vengeance
Don't worry about getting in "touch with your feelings" I was told, they will be getting in touch with you
keep coming back, keep ranting and raving, we'll laugh because we'll relate, just know it's normal, I didn't have any cravings in early sobriety but I was homicidal, suicidal and horny....welcome to having emotions
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
That was awesome. I laughed out loud. You're so right... I have to remind myself of what my sponsor said when I asked her why I was having waves of sadness. She said you're FEELING. I have found I'm telling myself that a lot, and it helps.
And yes, I got pissed @ the security guard when he said I couldn't park in a certain spot for my AA meeting yesterday... I made it known I was pissed (I have a manual transmission ;) ). But then I marched right in the meeting and told that guy everything was going ok.
THANK YOU FOR REMINDING ME THAT THIS ISN'T JUST ABOUT SOBRIETY. :) ...
and I would have paid 50 bucks to see that road rage scene you spoke of... ha!
__________________
his roots grasped a new soil
one is one too many and one more will never be enough
faith has to work twenty four hours in us and through us or we perish
) then why do I cry when I think about entering rehab? 
. Someone bought me a Big Book and I got a white chip. I am getting waves of emotion. It's a little confusing. While I know this is the best thing and it is going to give me all of the things I want in my life, I also am getting waves of sadness and fear. Sadness and fear of what, I don't know. I feel like if I knew where those feelings were comin from, I could fix it. I know, I know... powerless. But ... I just ... can't explain it. I mean it IS the first day.
and I hope we can continue this thread through my journey. While I probably should start another one, I feel like it is important to remember why I got to where I am. Or maybe not... I don't know. But for now it feels right to remember why & how.
Welcome Chelsea!!