i am very confused. i am 6 days sober now and confused on the relationship thing. i have been in a relationship for 7 months now.. i have decided to quit drinking. this was a big part of our relationship. he brews beer and enjoys it very much. to support me, he has been sober for 5 days now. he does not however plan on giving up alcohol. he doesnt plan on going to bars, but if one of us is out of town, he plans on drinking. i am not trying to control his drinking habits, but want to do whats best for me. all of this is a big change and he is trying to process it. i think its best he thinks about it while we are apart. he wants to be together and take it day by day while he thinks about it. i love him, but want to do what is best. do you think time apart while he makes the decision to drink or not is the right choice? if he only drank while i am out of town.. how will that effect me? i want to do the right thing. i love him though and would like for this to work out.. but what are the honest chances of that happening?
Welcome to MIP, Erin. My experience, strength & hope to you, sister, is that when I came into recovery it was because I realised I could no longer drink safely. My life was & had been very much chaos. Not only caused by my drinking but also by my spiritual condition. I was dying mentally, emotionally & spiritually & my relationship with my partner was extremely codependent. Both of us had a desire for recovery but neither of us had fully surrendered yet.
For me, surrender meant more than the realisation I had to stop drinking or my situation was going to get worse but that also I had to go to any lengths in order to stay sober. It came to mean absolutely everythig to me because I wanted to live. Relationship or no relationship. What I learned was that my recovery could not be dependent on by any means what my boyfriend was doing.
Like I see with you, when I first came into recovery I was very busy talking very much all about what was going on for me with my boyfriend, 'he this, he that, he the other'. It was my sponsor who kindly pointed this out to me when we spoke & it was the hardest thing for me to bring the focus really & truly back to me, myself & my recovery.
I eventually realised after a whole 5 weeks of sobriety, him coming back to visit (with no recovery & no program & about to have another massive using session) that I could not & had no real part in him staying sober or using anyway. He went & did it (after engineering an argument & perfect 'excuse' to do so) & I was left with myself.. What was I going to do?
This was a turning point for me. My recovery had to be unconditional. No ifs, no buts. I wanted & needed it for myself. I got myself to a meeting that night. It was the first time I was to admit in a meeting that I was alcoholic & that I seriously thought I was going to drink that night. I blubbed & cried all the way through that meeting. I was helped & by the grace of God I came home sober whilst he returned later bug-eyed & a mess. His ego broke that night & he too became willing to go to any lengths but still his recovery was his own & mine was mine.
Erin, it does not sound as if your boyfriend wants personal recovery right now. He may not even need it. It's not for me to decide what's good for someone else but I did learn what was vitally important for me. I wanted sobriety above all else so that I could live & enjoy a beautiful life where I can be sober, grow & deeply learn how to continuously love myself & others.
There became no confusion. As soon as I decided to put my own recovery first, my other decisions became much easier to make. They fell in line with my priority.
I hope this has answered your question. If you really 'want to do what is best & do the right thing' I suggest: be a good example. Like I have, do this for yourself. Love & let go. If you concentrate on first things first you will soon see how it's meant to be. Look after you & your recovery. You are worth it. Love & fellowship, Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
Welcome to MIP, Erin. My experience, strength & hope to you, sister, is that when I came into recovery it was because I realised I could no longer drink safely. My life was & had been very much chaos. Not only caused by my drinking but also by my spiritual condition. I was dying mentally, emotionally & spiritually & my relationship with my partner was extremely codependent. Both of us had a desire for recovery but neither of us had fully surrendered yet.
For me, surrender meant more than the realisation I had to stop drinking or my situation was going to get worse but that also I had to go to any lengths in order to stay sober. It came to mean absolutely everythig to me because I wanted to live. Relationship or no relationship. What I learned was that my recovery could not be dependent on by any means what my boyfriend was doing.
Like I see with you, when I first came into recovery I was very busy talking very much all about what was going on for me with my boyfriend, 'he this, he that, he the other'. It was my sponsor who kindly pointed this out to me when we spoke & it was the hardest thing for me to bring the focus really & truly back to me, myself & my recovery.
I eventually realised after a whole 5 weeks of sobriety, him coming back to visit (with no recovery & no program & about to have another massive using session) that I could not & had no real part in him staying sober or using anyway. He went & did it (after engineering an argument & perfect 'excuse' to do so) & I was left with myself.. What was I going to do?
This was a turning point for me. My recovery had to be unconditional. No ifs, no buts. I wanted & needed it for myself. I got myself to a meeting that night. It was the first time I was to admit in a meeting that I was alcoholic & that I seriously thought I was going to drink that night. I blubbed & cried all the way through that meeting. I was helped & by the grace of God I came home sober whilst he returned later bug-eyed & a mess. His ego broke that night & he too became willing to go to any lengths but still his recovery was his own & mine was mine.
Erin, it does not sound as if your boyfriend wants personal recovery right now. He may not even need it. It's not for me to decide what's good for someone else but I did learn what was vitally important for me. I wanted sobriety above all else so that I could live & enjoy a beautiful life where I can be sober, grow & deeply learn how to continuously love myself & others.
There became no confusion. As soon as I decided to put my own recovery first, my other decisions became much easier to make. They fell in line with my priority.
I hope this has answered your question. If you really 'want to do what is best & do the right thing' I suggest: be a good example. Like I have, do this for yourself. Love & let go. If you concentrate on first things first you will soon see how it's meant to be. Look after you & your recovery. You are worth it. Love & fellowship, Danielle x
Amen...Sounds like good advice to me.
Remember...there are still some unknowns here and some much needed advice on drinking habits and/or addiction should be his first option.
Alcohol can produce some uncomfortable feelings, especially after a lifetime of exposure. Consulting with a doctor or an addiction counselor before moving forward is a good first step.
The key to lasting sobriety has many avenues but only one option, "Total abstinence". The first step of recovery has to do with powerlessness and unmanageability, so have him read the first step in its entirety before he embarks on any drinking adventures.
I had to admit there was a problem first, and then start relinquishing the need to feed my disease by attending alternative methods of support like AA, and forums like "MIP".
Remember... there is no cure for our disease, just a daily reprieve contingent upon our spiritual conditioning.
Remaining sober, staying connected through a support network and improving our spiritual conditioning is paramount to recovery. This is "how it works" in a nutshell, if he decides to "Work it".
We will be here to support both of you every step of the way, just in case.
~God bless~
-- Edited by Mr_David on Saturday 11th of June 2011 07:37:18 PM
Hello EMM and welcome to the board. You didn't say if you are livinq with this person. If not, and he only drinks when he is not with you, I don't see a problem at all. I do think that you are on the riqht track, as far as lookinq after your sobriety as your "primary purpose". I takes a lot of commitment and action our our part to qet sober. Not many folks (percentaqe wise) are motivated to "do whatever it takes" to stay sober. Stayinq away from "people, places, and thinqs" related to drinkinq is very important. It is also a lot easier to focus on ourselves when we are not in a relationship. If you re read your post, it is almost all about him. qettinq and stayinq sober is all about ourselves. We can only chanqe ourselves. qood luck in your new journey.
Personally, I wouldn't have made any big decisions in my life after being sober only a few days.
For the first month or so, I only socialized where no one would be drinking. I was very open about my decision, so my friends were more than happy to support me by not drinking if we went out to dinner, etc., especially since I knew I wouldn't need them to do it forever.
Now, I have no problems dating a drinker, if it's not a big deal for him. Everyone I've dated who has not been sober will have maybe a beer with dinner, not finish it half the time, and not seem to really care that I'm not into hanging out in bars or going out drinking. If I started dating someone who had to have several drinks every night, I think our first or second date would probably be our last. :)
I would suggest keeping the focus on you and staying sober by working the program of AA with a Sponsor.
It took me a long time to realize that when I said I loved someone, I was merely using lip service. I didnt know what love was, or what it meant to care for someone deeply. How could I ?? ... I hated myself and everythign that I had done to myself and others as a result of drinking.
Today, cuz' Im sober byt the Grace of God and the program of AA I really, REALLY know what love is and what it means to genuinely love another person and care for them. Until I got sober, I did not know how to have a decent, fullfulling, lasting, meaningful relationship with another human being. AA taught me how and it continues to do so as I take one day at a time .
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