we set them, others set them, we get let down, but life goes on
i can stew on it or make pie...
jeez, did any of that make sense???
i am going ahead with my road trip plans, i don't care what happens or who thinks what, where, when, why or how!!!!
i just looked up meetings in calgary, wow theres a ton of them!!!
i'm going back to where i was born and raised, where my addictions all began
and with the people they began with, most of all myself
my last trip home was between detox and treatment, the first time....
i went to the bar, didn't make it home. My sister was convinced i was out doing coke, and proceeded to put my bags outside her door and lock me out
when i got out of treatment that time i went in as a drug addict and came out a drug addicted alcoholic, but i had what i didn't know then, was called 'reservations'. A phoey, call it what you will, i just knew i wasn't done yet, and i was back on the streets for another 6 months. During that ime my grandfather passed away. I never got to say good bye, or tell him that i love him. Everyone in my family was at his funeral but me. No one knew where i was or if i was even alive.
so, needless to say, this trip will be very emotional. I hope to get to my grandfathers grave and say good-bye. well at least put some flowers there.
My last use of coke i got beat up by my crack-head boyfriend. He was telling me he was going to put me on a street corner. I ran down the street after slipping out of my shirt to get out of his grip. It was one of the worst days of my life. But also, today, i can say, one of the best. That day is where my tape runs out. That tape that i have to play through to the end when i think of using.
i often thought that it was my grandfathers hand that helped me that day. Actually i used to think that it was him that got me beat up. One of his last words to my sister was 'find that Wendy'
there are things today that i experience that i haven't shared with any of you. All part of my spiritual experience. Maybe one day i will share about it.
so i guess i'll be making some f2f amends this weekend. I'm nervous. But i also have faith, faith that my HP is guiding me, and faith in myself and my program, oops i mean, 'the' program. My program got me here today.
i really hope there's no drinking going on at my sisters this weekend. With every thing else on my brain i beleive a drunk would be disasterous.
i also hope that i can only keep my side of the street in order and not take anyone elses inventory when i make those amends.
i have a feeling there will be lots of tears
My daughters tradition for thanksgiving is to say something at dinner. A prayer and gratitude kind of thing. It always gets me crying. We haven't spent a thankgiving together for a few years now, not to mention with my mom and sister, i think i'll put my 2 cents in there as well.
i have so much to be grateful for today
which remends me of why i started this post.....conditions. You know what??? what had me riled this morning doesn't seem as important now.
My thoughts also keep going to 'what if's'...
with my mom sick and having surgery soon....this will not be the last time i see her!!!!
i've come to far to lose the ones i love now.
well i guess that's it for this rambling girl for now
have a safe and sober weekend, maybe i'll check in from my moms computer at some time, if i have time
