Last Evening I responded to Jane's Post on Prayer and Medidation and I said no, and thanked her for giving me the poke I needed to start practicing.
Well it was just about 5 months ago, that a great Doc, did give me a real sharp poke verbally, went to the Pharmacy on my way home, threw out all the cigarettes I had around my house, a friend had come over, I had the Nicoderm Patch on by then and I was feeling so carefree, and great about this topic.
I have been diagnosed with a very small tumor in my right lung and it has not matatasized and was a non/small cell whatever that means, and in shopping around for the Best place to deal with this, I worked with my own Doc. in finding some great doctors, but at the last minute, when I was advised of the downside of the Radiation that I was just about to go thru, I put the breaks on, said to my Doc. we need to go to Plan B, found this Alternative Oncology Group of Doctors that was no close, but I would surely spend the time, and get some help getting up there. Their Theory to this Alternative was to Cut the tumor entirely in half, when doing so, the tumor can no longer live, will shrink and fall, dissolving and in one year you would not know any thing was there. This Giant Robotic Radiation Machines moving around over you, and when in the right place deliver a realllllly high dose of Radiation, the Treatment takes just over an hour and the nurses need about 15 minutes to be sure your body, clothes on, is in Exactly the right position. I close my eyes or open the at time to watch this Machine, it was all very facinating, and personally believe it is the cutting edge of Science, chuckling cause the name is Cyber Knife, in Vista, CA. Treatments, I had a total of 5. To gt to the start of treatments, a person goes thru about 15 or less misc. tests to rule out it being metastatic, Head MRI, Full Body Radioacive CT....that one was necessary, but very creapy, then then the rest were CTs...without dyes. That process took about 3 months to complete.
Then the actual treatments begin. The side effects were very minimul, a little tired feeling, wanting to get to bed earlier, just feeling a lot less energy, and all that would dissapate in about a month. they were 100% accurate, and in 3 month now, I will go see them to confirm I am 100% Cancer free....
That was about 3 months ago, well I had to give you the full background on what is going on with me.....for almost 4 entire months a Person that had been successsful in Kicking the Habit....I said to my friends, just can't beleive it has been so easy.......
about 3 weeks ago was looking for something in a bathroon drawer, you guesed it, found a half of pack of cigs, and my very stupid ass thinking was, a half pack, no big deal, think I will smoke them just to enjoy that old feeling, and be done.
Well you probably know what coming too, that old addiction said, as it raised it Monstrous head, not this time.....
I have feeling more than anything deep shame for my action, and using my 12 x 12 daily, on the first three steps.
I believe the shame is in the Arrogance of my Lack of Humbleness at freeing myself, or rather NOT giving GOD full credit.
Too ashamed to put it on the Board, that part I dont understand, we are all addicts, a drug is a drug is a drug. And in my screwed up thinking, felt you would see me as less of a person, (part of the addicts thinking, nothing real to it, right?)
Ok, could have kept it briefer, but now I am going to Shout it,
HELP!!!
Woke up this morning, preparring for war with this grissly gorilla, put th Step 1 Patch on Again, with my first breath of air. and I am willing to Pray all day, and battle the cravings that are brutal now....
Step 1, I am Powerless over Tobacco, and my life has become Unmanagable..
I CAN'T, HE CAN, and I AM GOING TO LET HIM.
Just a little PS, Now I know why they say quitting tobacco is as bas a quiting Haroin...
I am going to use this awesome site as my Sponsor and have not for some time, I will check in ever day, Today being Day I.....Have all my TOOLS, and I am going to use them alllll.
Thank you all my Beloved friends, And thank for the Love I already feel from you all. I know this is an Alcohol Based website, but I know you all, and the NA Nicotine Anomous meeting here have 4 or 5 people on Sunday nites....So I hope this is ok with you Dean and the others, I just need HELP....hope you will allow me to just put down today, Day One, and the following days, just the checking in with the days....
Have a Blessed day....
Toni
-- Edited by Just Toni on Wednesday 8th of June 2011 10:31:24 AM
Toni me duck. I did manage a few weeks smoke free. What helped me was to print off a list of reasons for quitting and read them through every time I got the urge, plus use all the aids I could get. due to personal stress, I made a concious decision to start smoking again. I intend to quit again on 1st july 2011.
I spend around £1500 to £2000 a year on smokes. That's about 20000 miles worth of petrol, or 6 weeks in Tenerife, or a trip to the states and hire a bike, or some new clothes, or getting on for half of my rent, or loads of CDs, or a restoration job on my Guzzi, or a 20 year old land rover, or my food bill ofr a year, or loads of meals out, or the option of Bed nad Breakfast instead of camping.............soon adds up!
__________________
It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
It is hard to relive past hardships, especially when our nemesis (alcohol, or in your case smoking) is involved. I remember the time when alcohol came knocking on my doorstep once again, even though I had been sober for quite awhile. The thoughts of hoplessness and reckless abandon came back in an instant and continued unmercifully with no end in sight. The thoughts became so overwhelming that I almost picked up as a result. The only saving grace I had at the time was my desire to further my life rather than my drinking. I wanted to explore the limitless boundaries of this wonderful life (in sobriety), not the abysmal one that was defined by my active alcoholism for so long. The day I set my foot down that slippery slope called active alcoholism -once again, will be the day I take my last breath guaranteed.
Don't take that last breath Toni, take a leap forward instead. You have the power of persuasion to help steer you in the right direction and this fellowship is evidence of that. Let's continue to persusde each other to stay the course and complete the task that Almighty God has in store for each of us -one day at a time. Find the joy in your life my dear and never give up beliving in yourself. We won't, neither should you...
~God bless~
-- Edited by Mr_David on Thursday 9th of June 2011 02:50:03 PM
and yes it really has the same dynamic, it is in the first one.
This time now, I do have a different point of reference. when I was undergoing all that endless testing and then the treatment, I considered myself so truly Blessed that it had not metastatic, and from each test, and the treatment, I was able to actually look at the tumor, see what all the docs were looking at at every scan too, so I got a birds eye view of the inside of my body and when it looked like the cut was 100%, this great doctor agreed, and said we will have to wait and confirm in about 6 months, that is now just 2 and half months to go...so from my vantage point, I thought holly cow, twice now, I have beat cancer, or rather with the priceless brillance of these doctors, I probably will be cancer free again.
The first time was when I was 40, a newly wed, and when I ws shaving under my arms before work I noticed that when I raised my arm I could feel a round lump inside my left breast, so of I went to my own OB/GYN in San Francisco, nd he told me to go immediately upstains to his friend, a woman by the name of Gail Duchame, a Radiologist, I did that and had me taking about 10 of those mamographs, when I was getting dressed she walked in and said sorry, you are going to have to do them all over again...and I did. What she spotted were these tiny, micoscopic things that looked like 10 pieces of salt under magnification, and said dont worry about the round bump you feel, I want the other area biosied, so I did that the following week and it turned out it was Insitu (which means the original site) Carcinoma. And because I had had years of painful times once a month from cystic Fibroism, I desided to do a Bilateral Mastecomy, as I had always worried about that cystic Fiboid stuff becoming cancerous. I was then Blessed also with the cream of the crop in San Francisco with the lastest in Reconstrution, and completely cancer free.
Well this time, somewhere in this brain of mine, I never consider myself arrogant in ANY way, but it must have been something that said well you have beat Cancer twice.....taking some of the credit......when I had been cigrarette free for 4 entire months, it felt wonderful, and so pround of myself that I had done this healing of my poor lungs that had been damaged (in the scans you can see that they dont look like healthy lungs, hard to discribe.....so that was my motivation the continued healing, then that dreadful day I found 4 cigarettes in a bathroom drawer, and was throwing it out and could feel there was something in the box, sure enough 4 cigarettes, but it was not the four cigarettes that hooked me in, it was IN THAT FIRST ONE.....so now when I think I need to go get a fix, I Promised myself first I would sit down and have a coversation with myself about ....well do you want to hurt your lungs (and dont give me any BS about only 3 or 4), or do you want to help your own precious body continue with the healing, and I stop myself from heading to my car....so me, myself and I are back on track.... about alcohol, I want nothing more than to dye sober, I see a Skull and crossbow on Liquor Bottles, pure poison, I need to visual that same image on Cigarettes....it will happen, have been doing a lot of Praying and useing the !st step....and it is helping a lot, and at night I always thank GOD, now I add the cigarettes too.
Long winded Tonicakes tonight, didnt know you were going to get a life history did you.....
Hugs, and you did not tell my what you thought about that poem?????
In your Biography, you said you were an author, so liking the poem could go in many ways to your style of writing.
Toodles, Tonicakes
-- Edited by Just Toni on Thursday 9th of June 2011 08:54:56 PM
Today I sit with my 14 yr anniversary reminding me that I am only sober because of grace from God and the 12 steps. On my anniversary I sit on that slippery slope in my mind and know that revisiting step one, two and three help me to refocus that I must never become complacent or take my sobriety for granted. I am truely grateful for the reminder that I must continue to live in recovery one day at a time, and when life happens (whether good, bad, or indifferent) I turn to prayer and the tools that were so freely given to me through the fellowship of AA.
about alcohol, I want nothing more than to dye sober, I see a Skull and crossbow on Liquor Bottles, pure poison, I need to visual that same image on Cigarettes....it will happen, have been doing a lot of Praying and useing the !st step....and it is helping a lot, and at night I always thank GOD, now I add the cigarettes too.