Hi ConfusedGal...Welcome to MIP.

I'm sorry to hear about your dilemma. Accepting our alcoholism and treating the disorder are two different things. I compare the attitudes and behaviors of the untreated alcoholic to that of a "drunken horse thief" and how we're still horse thieves just without the alcohol. Removing the alcohol is one thing but changing our behaviors (like you said) is another. 

That restless feeling you talked about conjures up memories of my past and how deflated I felt time and time again. I couldn't see beyond the first step and witness firsthand the power of transformation and how that unfolds. The lives that were being transformed were unimaginable, especially from an alcoholic perspective. When my perspective changed, my life did as well. That's when I started to experience the life altering gifts of sobriety and how a simple behavior or lifestyle change can pave the way for future successes. I finally viewed my life from a positive yet sober perspective not my alcoholic one. I first accepted my alcoholism, changed my perspective and outlook on life, altered my lifestyle to accommodate my new sober routine, and then started to experience the blessings that only dreams are made of. 

You can't change people -especially an active alcoholic, but you can change how "you" respond to them. If he doesn't feel the need to change his lifestyle than he will ultimately be on the losing end of this battle time and time again. My prayer for him and yourself is this: I hope both of you find an avenue for change, to both the alcoholic and his family alike and yourself of course -one day at a time.

~God bless~

Hi

I had the same sort of problem, but it was my Military buddies that did not understand.  And I found My Boyfriend in the Military.  So in some way we are an oppisite pair--I was the one drinking.

Yes, I was a real partier back then--and when I got sober some tryed egging me on anyhow to come to the clubs with them--I stood firm and said that is not what I am into anymore.

There were a couple of times though I did go to the club but earlier in the evening and had dinner with some people and then left before all the real drinkers got there.

One can still have fun and not drink, Yes one may lose some friends over it, but then again maybe they were not true friends to begin with anyhow.

He needs to tell them I have made some changes in My Life now and it does not include drinking and leave it at that .

My Boyfriend has been my Rock since I told him I was an Alcoholic and in Recovery, so you have to be Your Boyfriends Rock and help keep him on the straight and narrow. 

Ask how things are, find out some of his triggers and help him understand them also, have him carry numbers especially yours.

The sponser bit, being open is the best policy, especially if the music routine is a way of making ends meet.

I actually don't think you or your boyfriend -NEED- "advice", he is attending meetings and your mother has 15 years sober in The Program, what I think you -NEED- or are looking for is validation, a group of people who will agree with you and you can point at and say "see, I was right, he is doing it WRONG!!!!"

I learned working someone else's program will get me single REAL fast, whether I leave in a huff because they are doing it wrong, or they toss me out on my keister, rightfully so I might add.

AA isn't in the business of helping people get sober who don't want help, those places exist, they call those places "rehabs" Now in the outside world there are a lot of "helpful" people that know exactly what is best for the alcoholic, we call those folks "girlfriends" and "boyfriends", "husbands" and "wives", and there is a program for them as well, it's called Alanon, a few years around active alcoholism and I qualified to be in that program myself, and I was a sober card carrying member of AA

I learned a few things there, like the three "C's"

I didn't cause it

I can't cure it

I can't control it

and in the first step I learned I was powerless over other people, that, to me, meant I had to accept them exactly the way they were at that moment and that I didn't get to tell them what to do, that was called "being controlling" and no healthy person in their right mind will date someone who is controlling

 So you are leaving him not because of something he did, but for something he won't do, which is work HIS program YOUR way, this has nothing to do with -his- program, but -your- wants and desires

I also heard something in Alanon they called "The Three G's"

Get off his back.  Get out of his way.  Get on with your life

Now truthfully, were I to talk to him, he'd get a talking to much like the one I am giving you, I would tell him what I think his behavior is expected to get him, which is drunk, but that is his business, I'd also give him my number and ask him to give me a call after he hurt himself a little bit, and to feel free and call even if he didn't drink, just let me know how he was doing

I am not saying what he is doing is right or wrong, I couldn't give a rats ass about him and what he is doing, he isn't the one posting here, you are, so I am pointing out every issue you brought to us is best answered in Alanon, and the questions posed aren't about him, the recovery in Alanon isn't his but yours, because another thing I learned was "If nothing changes, nothing changes" and what that meant was I kept picking different versions of the same person until I learned my lesson, it WASN'T "them", it was ME, -I WAS THE ONE THAT NEEDED TO CHANGE-, or I kept getting the same results over and over

So what is it you DO want, someone who is sober? because he isn't drinking, or someone who will work YOUR version of AA? I wouldn't sponsor him, but that's a diiferent kind of relationship

I suspect your mother has already given you a pretty close version of this talk

here is a Thread I made about Boundaries, it explains the difference between a boundary and being controlling far better then I am doing here

Boundaries to me are what the entire Program hinge on, learning where I end and another person begins, I spent nearly my entire life wondering why my "boundaries" worked with some people but not others, because I thought enforcing a boundary meant informing another person how they had harmed me, telling them "I feel ____ (hurt, betrayed, etc) by this behavior and asking them not to do that any more, in some cases, the person listens, reflects what I said back to me, owns their part, makes amends, and then ceases that behavior, but what about the people who continued the behavior?

THAT is where the boundary comes in, what I just described is just good communication skills and a healthy give and take in a healthy relationship, and if I am asking them to change their behavior, I am being controlling

Even Step One is nothing but a boundary, consider AA and Alanon's first step:

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol

That means we are unable to control or moderate someone else's drinking (or tell them how to work their program)

We also admit we are powerless over people in -our- first step, we can't -get- them to behave as we'd like, not by being nice, not by being mean, not by yelling, not by passive aggressive tactics (salting the oats so the horse gets thirsty lol)

Step One tells us where we end and they begin, our "power" ends in a hula hoop whose outer diameter ends at the tip of my nose

and our lives become unmanageable

Because we were spending all our time managing someone else's life with such an adverse reaction, and heavy resistance we lost sight of managing our own lives, our efforts at control increase and their efforts at resistance increase, we resort to passive aggression, they resort to "Gaslighting*" as the natural result of being "controlled" and pretty soon everyone is sicker then before and viola', "my life is unmanageable"

*(look it up, gaslighting is crazy making, and I think the natural response to passive aggression, the lies just start getting jumbled up so pretty soon you have like 3 seperate realities happening)

Admitting I am powerless over someone else's drinking and my life is unmanageable as the result of trying to manage their lives and becoming so enmeshed in alcoholic insanity IS A BOUNDARY, it's -THE- Boundary, it shows where my power ends, only by focusing on myself and my actions rather then my reactions am I able to "take my power back"

The serenity prayer is a prayer that asks us to look at our boundaries

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Expectations are external, boundaries are internal

Expectations are what we have with other people, usually after they fail to meet them repeatedly, and then we lay down what we mistakenly call "a boundary" <="" em="">

Boundaries are internal ways to take distance and protect ourselves from other peoples actions, we may say boundaries out loud or not, but in this instance we might say "If You are late for dinner and don't call again I will  not prepare dinner for you for a month

and then if (s)he is late one more time, and then subsequently comes home on time even after that I would prepare my dinner, but not theirs and sit down and enjoy it, whether they were there or not

It can even be more dramatic, such as "If you ever hit me again, I will Leave you and call the Police" or even "If you continue to drink and lie I will be forced to leave you not "you need to change your behavior" but "these are the actions I am going to take", and the absolutely -CRITICAL- part is holding up our end of the boundary, both for us, AND for them, because if we don't we teach both them AND us to not respect us, to not believe we have enforcable boundaries, because we don't, and in my experience that is as equally unhealthy for me as it is for them, we -both- get sick if I have a -negotiable boundary-, I have leanred this both in my personal life and my professional one, it doesn't mean we don't negotiate or have "rigid thinking" but boundaries are "bottom lines" and as such aren't negotiable, I mean even countries to change boundaries (borders) go to war, and the stronger subjugates the weaker, and then "changes the border", I have found the same is true in my interpersonal relationships, if I don't enforce my boundary it teaches us both codependent manipulation, and many other forms of covert warfare or even full frontal warfare, it's just unhealthy with bad results for me

It's said that an expectation is a resentment waiting to happen, because in this instance we are expecting someone to behave in way that -we- want, even if we think it is fair, and it very well may be, it may be a -bottom line- or -deal breaker- behavior, but the single most important thing about boundaries is coming up with realistic ones and then holding to them no matter what, otherwise we just teach people our boundaries are meaningless

I spent years wondering why my "boundaries" seemed to work with some poeple but not others, and I automatically labeled the people who didn't "respect my boundaries" as wrong, bad, and sick, when the truth of the matter standing in front of somebody saying the same thing over and over isn't me enforcing a boundary, it's me attempting to modify or control their behavior and then getting sick, literally sick when it doesn't work, I was going to a hardware store for bread, or I was going to a "dry well for water"

Today I try and use "I feel" statements, lets use the dinner as an example, "I feel when you come home late without calling when I have been cooking you dinner, it shows a lack of respect for me, and if you come home late again without calling, I won't prepare your dinner for a month"

end of conversation, no excuses, no

J:ustify

A:rgue

D:efend

E:xplain

This is how I feel and it is non-negotiable, as is my boundary

If my expectation is that this person who has repeatedly come home late without calling will miraculously begin to call and begin respecting me, I have put a guaranteed resentment in the bank, because in my experience if you have to explain something to somebody like common courtesy and respect more then 3 times they are not likely to suddenly "get it", however, if I put down a boundary (an interior action) I can now protect myself from this behavior

Boundaries are internal, and they -NEVER- ever ever involve someone else changing their behavior, it's how I protect myself from people who -don't- change their behavior, as opposed to -behavioral modification-, which I mistook for boundaries for very many years, there is by definition, no way someone can "not respect my boundary" because my boundary is mine, not theirs, and if they supposedly "don't respect my boundary" I either am in -the wrong relationship- or -have failed to enforce my boundary- it's not on them, it's on me to enforce my own boundaries, whereas the expectation would be "they WILL respect my boundary" and then get upset when they don't...for the 300th time, then maybe give them a lecture about how "If nothing changes, nothing changes" and "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results" and completely miss the irony of what I am saying

So expectations are what I have of other people, ways I want -them- to behave, usually after they don't, and boundaries are a way to protect me from others.

Boundaries can also be covert nearly, such as my father for many years liked to say fairly mean (but true) about my mother and her side of the family, for years I tried to get him to stop and all we'd do is fight, I finally learned to say -the moment- he started doing that "oh someone is at the door" or "I'm getting another call" or "I'm going outside to smoke" and he stopped doing it, he just doesn't do it any more

One thing I learned about "defences" is by nature people attack them, that's why they are called "defences, so when I got "defensive" I invited "attack", with a boundary...it's hard to explain, but it's not a defence, it's a way to remove oneself from harms way emotionally speaking, and when my boundaries are healthy, they not only get respected but they almost seem to disappear because they aren't needed, but they HAVE to be firm.

I wrote on this forum for example about trying to help a family member get sober, and I couldn't do it (my sister) because I lacked the necessary emotional strength to hold as firm with my boundaries as I could with "anonymous" young men, with them I could be merciless, first sign of any BS and they were out, no if's ands or buts, and truthfully, they ALL got sober, and stayed that way for the most part, but with my sister I wasn't able to enforce my boundaries nearly as strongly, they proved to be "negotiable", and then although I was the one that caved in on enforcing my boundary, I responded with anger and "kashback" because of my inability to enforce my boundary, and this was the dynamic that got us both "sicker",  my sister didn't end up getting sober until years later and we both ended up incredibly angry and hurt with each other, because I was unable to maintain my boundaries with her, I had "expectations" instead, and all it did was harm both of us because I was unable to maintain my boundaries

So what are your "boundaries"?

That he never drink again?

or that he work the program your way?

Alanon/Coda and Therapy helped me sort out the answers to those questions for myself

I don't find inner peace when the people in my life start behaving, I find inner peace when -I- start behaving, I have never gotten an amends from sitting around and waiting for it stewing in a pool of resentment, but I sure have gotten a few when I went and made amends of my own, and the funny thing is by the time I get the amends I don't need it any more, and I have never gotten someone to change their behavior by trying to force it on them, by trying to get them to do it "my way"

"Renounce the garment of The Lord and Receive it back as your gift" has been a mathematical theorem in my recovery

Peace is not just the mere absence of violence or disturbance. It's when there is conflict, but you deliberately avoid violence and adopt methods to solve the problem through peaceful means. That is real peace. Dalai Lama

There are other ways to skin this cat but I think you are barking up the wrong tree after the horse is already out of the gate to mix a few metaphors, but they can teach you over at Alanon or Coda what you are looking to learn

If you have any questions or think I am being unfair, please show this to your mother, see what she says about it