Hi guys! Its week 3 for me sober and I find the most difficult thing for me to deal with now is the emotional hurt of having destroyed a relationship with someone I truly loved through the effects of my alcoholism. After many drunken fights, lies about drinking, saying many mean things that I never remembered the next morning we finally broke up. Now sober, it breaks my heart that I threw it all away for a bottle. It's hard and just was wondering if anybody had any positive ways of coping with this situation.
Make your amends. That's all you can do. Make them and mean them and then let the universe decide where to from here.
My drinking cost me my wife and I know that I will never get that back, but all I can do is try and fix what I can and be truly contrite for that which I can't, and I just keep my faith that it was all for a better reason.
Oh, and forgive yourself. You're only human so mistakes are allowed, okay? You are busy enough with your sobriety without loading up your plate by being hard on yourself.
Congrats on 3 weeks, good for you. I too have done a lot of damage to relationships in my life through drinking, lying, and saying things I could not take back. Thing is, I cannot change any of it, no matter how hard I wish I could or how badly I want to. What I can do is stay sober, go to meetings, work with a sponsor on the twelve steps, and when I get there, make amends for my actions as best as I can. I am fairly new to sobriety myself and don't remember exactly which step it is, though I believe it is Step 9 (don't quote me on that, don't have my BB in front of me). Anyway, my point is, what I am learning is that the most positive way for me to cope with the past is to share it with another alcoholic and then let go of it. The way to do this is to work the steps with them. I myself have not gotten through all of the steps yet, but I am working on them with a sponsor, and it is helping me to let go of my past and live in the here and now, as a sober and better me. Again, congrats on your sobriety. I wish you continued success. Peace.
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I asked God for all things that I may enjoy life. He gave me life so that I may enjoy all things.
thank you guys very much for your replies, i revised steps 8 & 9 and i believe by time i get there ill have the strength to be able to face what i'm not able to change and ask for forgiveness for all of those hurt by my selfish ways. sounds like something to look foward to, kind of liberating, and i'm sure continuing to work on the steps, the first 7 will make it easier to get to that point when i finally reach it.
I had an encounter with a friend/lover, early on in sobriety, which set me on edge and caused both of us some minor discomfort. The details aren't relevant and would cause most people to shrug it off but the disagreement ensued, which ultimately set the stage for a possible showdown. I tried to reason with her as best I could but she refused to address the situation and then tried to sabotage my sobriety by poking holes in my character and when that didn't work she exposed my anonymity instead. She became so irate and befuddled by my response and how serene I was even after her attempted sabotage that she eventual had a nervous breakdown, which caused her to lose much more than her dignity and selfish pride. This was her dropping off point and one that set her mind straight before she recognized her part in the dilemma and how the behaviors of just one person can affect so many.
The problem all along wasn't her inability to deal with the problem at hand, but the denial based rationale she used to justify her position -bottom line. We all have our "defining moments" where the thoughts of selfishness and pride overshadows the need for forgiveness or compassion, which in this case was quite evident. Exposure of any sorts to the foolishness that defines our motives is like exposing the truth of our reasoning to the folly of our intentions. She had to uncover her motives and reasoning -not mine. When she did, the healing process began which has encompassed some 5 years now. She finally realized how important the words "reconcilable differences" meant and how we all need to feel forgiven despite the "seeming evidence to the contrary that surrounds us in purely human affairs" -like Bill W said.
She was finally able to see the errors of her ways -thanks to hindsight and a program of recovery, and has begun to rebuild the trust that she sabotaged some years ago. She admitted her role in the affair and how desperate she was to fill the void in her life that went missing that morning. That was the day her drinking partner got sober, thanks be to God. She got a glimpse of what a loving relationship is actually about, not the dysfunction that defined ours for so long. She has taken bold steps to not only renew our relationship but to develop a bond that nothing- including our addictions- could ever break. She finally realized that the path to victory comes at the hand of defeat and maybe anyone who's in a similar relationship can finally recognize the meaning behind those words as well and can now start to rekindle the flame that has lost its flicker -like mine did many years ago. My prayer for anyone is just that; to redeem the time and our relationships and rebuild that trust once again, one day at a time.
~God bless~
-- Edited by Mr_David on Thursday 26th of May 2011 02:31:25 AM
Welcome Britt. Glad to have you in the life raft. I too felt guilt and shame for the wreckage I created when I first arrived in AA. From my experience many do. That's one of the reasons that got me here.
Then, I heard something from the Fellowship which turned the Gorilla on my back into a Monkey. We have DIESASE- Alcoholism. A mental, physical and spiritual diesase. It's not a moral issue. We're not responsible for our diesase, but we are responsible for take action and addressing it. The first amends was to be to myself. I was sick- not a bad person, just a sick person.
The biggest amends I ever gave to anyone was changing who and what I was. We call this a daily amends. People see the change in us. The opportunity to make Direct amends to those we harmed will come though working The Steps. It's in the latter Steps for a reason. There's work to be done before we get to that Step.
this is somethinq to take up with your sponsor. If I was qoinq to make an amends (at 3 weeks sober) it would be by a very brief non-specific qeneral appoloqy letter. I would not shame or beat myself up over it (in the letter) and I would have zero expectations. It' not a vehicle for qettinq the relationship back to active.
I really want to congrats you on your 3-weeks. I am sorry you left wreckage in your past, but you can change today and tomorrow to not cause anymore. I am 267-days sober and I am greatly appreciative every minute of my sobriety.
It is very hard to look at all the bad stuff we created with out drinking, but as others said you are only human and we do make mistakes.
Don't give up and hang in there...it can only get better with sobriety.
Your Sober Friend,
Sereniti
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Serenity,
Clean for almost 9-years and sober 9-months
