Got nine months and then racked up 4 lapses. No "oh my god, where's Dad? It's been two days!" benders, but though a failure to maintain my spiritual; connection with my higher power I have allowed my character defects to get the better of me and old habits behaviors being what they are' I'm an alcoholic and i drank.
I don't feelm like a failure and I refuse to let anyone beat me up over it, but I am going back to basics; don't drink between meetings, turn it over and pray f**king pray pray pray.
Hey AM, The scary thing is how it sneaks up on you. Been there, done that, and if I keep working the steps on a daily basis I'll get the t-shirt. You will too. Rest. Regroup. Reapply the steps.
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
I empathize with your struggles because all of us have been duped by this disease at one time or another. Our shame and embarrassments are painful reminders of our past and serve no useful purpose in the realms of our recovery.
I suggest you look beyond your current circumstances and allow yourself the privilege of becoming that sober person, once again, who has inspired us with his stories of success for the previous 9 months. Don't let anyone or anything make you feel less than zero, because everyone has the ability to accomplish the miraculous even through the most trying of circumstances.
You have put some time together in the past and with the help of AA and this forum, you can surpass more milestones in sobriety than previously imagined -one day at a time. So, don't give up on yourself...not just yet. We won't...neither should you.
~God bless~
-- Edited by Mr_David on Friday 20th of May 2011 10:55:46 PM
Got nine months and then racked up 4 lapses. No "oh my god, where's Dad? It's been two days!" benders, but though a failure to maintain my spiritual; connection with my higher power I have allowed my character defects to get the better of me and old habits behaviors being what they are' I'm an alcoholic and i drank.
I don't feelm like a failure and I refuse to let anyone beat me up over it, but I am going back to basics; don't drink between meetings, turn it over and pray f**king pray pray pray.
G'night.
Sorry to hear this Aquadude, was kinda wondering where you had got to, back to basics is always good, the other questions the old timers axed me when I dragged my sorry ass back in after hurting myself "What are you going to do differently this time?"
Ever think about working the steps 1-12 out of The Big Book, like the searching and fearless moral inventory etc it's the one thing that seems to consistently work long term, that don't drink and go to meetings and avoiding triggers, and change your playmates and playgrounds rehab group stuff, and pray pray pray is all really good stuff, it buys us a little time sober to work the steps and have the actual personality change that the steps bring about, but it's putting band aids on cancer, doesn't really work long term, I'm not beating you up by any means, been there too many times myself, glass houses and stuff, just telling you what worked for me and countless others
you joined the gym, time to hit the machines and stairmaster and do some heavy lifting and do the stuff that addresses the root causes and conditions as opposed to keep trying to treat the symptoms over and over as you have been doing in the past, it is progress not perfection, and you have made awesome progress, but one of these times you dance with that 800 lb Gorilla it aint gonna be over until the gorrilla says it is, and it aint gonna let go, in my experience we like cats, we have a finite number of chances, or "lives" as it were, then relapsing becomes the pattern, not sobriety
-- Edited by LinBaba on Saturday 21st of May 2011 12:05:28 AM
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
Glad to have you back. This would be a pretty lonely forum if it was just me alone. So there I need you, and you know I miss your posts & fishing tales with your son. I also miss your recovery, despite the setbacks. We all have setbacks because we are humans, but I found the fellowship to be unique because there exists among us a love for another that is inexplicable. Gonee.
Glad you're back Aqua-bro. I hadn't been able to get here much for the last month or so, but still missed your posts...
I know that if I don't keep up my Steps 10-12, I will relapse too, 'cause I'm an alcoholic too.
Keep coming back...
Steve
PS I love the fishing stories too. I'm a frustrated fly fisherman...love everything about it, but I'm too much of a clumsy clutz for knots and casting -- and maybe I have some patience and persistence issues too, lol. So hearing about it is the next best thing. :)
Thanks, ya'll. Depression has had me pretty beat down, too. I started yelling bad stuff at the kids and asked my doc to zombie me down before I say something that'll land them in al-anon. I'm working a Step 4 inventory, The California Model.
If your wife has an opportunity to land in Al-Anon I'd encourage it...because the disease is a family disease and it takes all of you down at the same time. So suggest it to your spouse or have her visit the Al-Anon board here and read and listen. She is not alone with the problem.
What I'd like to know because it would be helpful to me is when the difficulties started to get rough for you what turned you back to alcohol and not to something else...like what we learn in recovery. Why do I want to know...cause I am alcoholic and all of the experience I can get from others is important.
I am so glad you are okay. It baffles me why folks relapse but I am glad that I don't understand. Life is just so much better sober and my life was hell when I drank. It is just that simple. If I drink, life sucks. If I don't, it's is good.
Drunk Mark: Fat, smoking, falling down, breaking things, no friends, dry heaves every morning, spiritually dead, unhealthy, clinging to sucky relationship with another alcoholic.
Sober Mark: Productive, athletic, 70 pounds lighter, not smoking, better job, making more money, nice caring relationship, working towards goals that have been put off my whole life.
Do I sometimes wonder why I can't have a freakin cocktail like most people? Yeah, but when the obvious is spelled out as clearly as above - I am NOT going to screw my whole life cuz of alcohol. I simply don't need it and don't have to have it.
Not trying to come off high handed her Rob...just hoping to impart some of my step 1 through 3 here for you so it might become yours too.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
In hindsight (20/20) my phone got washed. Washing machine washed. Nobody was calling in, and I wasn't calling out. I wasn't praying except to die. Unlike most suicidal thoughts, I didn't want relief from my own pain; I wanted to stop doing harm to my family and my colleagues. I want to die, but without the creating the pain that suicide left-behinds feel. My depression was in full bloom and I felt truly hopeless, helpless and useless. My homegroup had turned into a bunch of drunk-a-logues and broken records. I wasn't getting anything but frustration out of meetings. My prescriptions weren't balanced right, either. I'm sober today. That'll have to do.
Working a step 4 is great, but You may also want to make sure that you have done a rock solid step one as well. I hear allot that we can work all the step as many times as we want, but without a solid foundation (step one) they will all eventually fall to pieces. It's good to see you back, and hear that your not beating yourself up for what alcoholics do. Remember this...Your not starting over, your picking up where you left off. Keep it simple, take it a day at a time, and give your HP anything that's out of your control.
Brian
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Nothing ever truly dies. The universe wastes nothing. Everything is simply, transformed. :confuse:
So AM, just a thought, was the leadership that was thrown on you at the group you were in too much? It sounds like you have some depression from the fact that the group fell apart. I was actually concerned when you told us the situation where you became the de facto leader of the group. How about keeping it simple? Sit in the back awhile at an established group and let the program wash over you. You took leadership at a very early stage which is admirable, but it IS a handful to say the least. Depression is a curve as you know. To try and keep the curves in the "Normal zone" we need to "keep it simple". It is really easy to step away from the basics of this program. It takes constant, steady maintenance. I can say this because it has happened to me more than once. Like Lin Baba pointed out, the old heads ask "what will you do different? My suggestion would be to go to the normal meetings, volunteer to make the coffee and maintain an even strain until your HP lets you know you are ready for more. I am very glad you are back and I missed your posts. Tom
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
good ideas...today I'm sober and used our spiffy food processor to make a glorious carrot soup. Had to. We're broke, too. Glad the baby likes snacking on strips of raw potato...like I did.
I just found this site recently. I couldnt admit to home group and sponser I was drinking. Having a forum to reach out to online is really anonymous. I was really touched by the responses I received. I did tell everyone and did receive the support I needed.
I have finally admitted to myself that I am going through an episode of depression as I have had episodes before and received treatment to recover. For me Alchoholism and having a diagnosis of Major Depression is very tricky. I have now sought treatment for the depression as well as continuing with my AA program. Your comments about suicical thinking really resonated with me. When I had the symptom of suicidal thinking I knew it was just a symptom of my depression. I compare it to having cravings to drink when you are Alcoholic. In either case I can choose to dwell on the thought or let it pass.
It was touching to read the responses you have recieved from returning to the site after having a relapse. I hope to see more posts from you and updates. God Bless.
Oh and we all f**k up at sometime in someway, at least I do regularly.
Wow, Allie. I can't explain it...but your visit to my situation and your empathy made me happy. I think. Is "happy" when the smile starts way down inside and it's made out of unknown stuff and just happens?
Yeah, yeah it is! Thanks, Allie. You helped me. You did a great thing and now I'm gonna go pass it on. My daughter wants me to make her a hat out of a Cheerios box and my son needs some help with a science project.
Here's an idea: Forget the "California Model" and do the "Big Book Model" steps instead.
Why?
The Big Book Model will get you and keep you sober.
I LIVE in California and see the "California Model" at work every day.
I live in California as well and as far as I know "The California Model" -IS- The "Big Book Model", I don't don't even know what the CA Model is unless it's doing "The Joe and Charlie Model" which is the Big Book -and- The 12 and 12, and doing the worksheets without following along with Joe and Charley as they do the steps -exactly- out of The Big Book is like cooking methamphetimines in your tub following a recipe your kid brings home from high school, with probably the same results, someone is either going to end up loaded or dead or both
I -think- he was just having a bit of a go at me for suggesting to do all 12 steps -again- since I am kind of a broken record that way, and I live in CA
Rob I am glad Allie was able to make you smile, I truly hope you are doing OK, and sorry to be so redundant about those steps thingys, it's just....they work when all else fails, Bill cooked up some good shit in that tub of his that has worked for millions when they follow that recipe exactly, maybe it will work for you
God Bless man
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
sorry to be so redundant about those steps thingys, it's just....they work when all else fails, Bill cooked up some good shit in that tub of his that has worked for millions when they follow that recipe exactly, maybe it will work for you
That's about the truest thing I've heard in a very long time. 5 years of trying to work the steps "my way" (or avoid them all together) got me drunker, and more miserable than I even thought possible. Sometimes we haven't had enough pain to finally give it up. I thank God I finally got mine. I'll never get tired of my sponsor asking me (or more like TELLING me) to "use the steps".
Brian
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Nothing ever truly dies. The universe wastes nothing. Everything is simply, transformed. :confuse:
I live in California as well and as far as I know "The California Model" -IS- The "Big Book Model", I don't don't even know what the CA Model is unless it's doing "The Joe and Charlie Model" which is the Big Book -and- The 12 and 12
Just ditto-ing what LinBaba said, we do the "regular" steps out of the Big Book and usually in conjunction with the 12x12.
