it's something thqt of late I've realised I do afer the fact most times. Basically I lie to myself and dress my motives up in something more palatable to me. A couple of weeks ago I needed to go to two banks. I convinced myself to go to the ones across the mall from where my son works. I felt uneasy so talked to my stand in sponsor about what do I do if I bump into my son? After awhile I realised that I was trying to engineer an accidental encounter with my son. The real motivation had nuthin to do with convenience, easy parking or any of the other lies I told myself and all to do with my need to make contact with my lad. So I went elsewhere. Thankfully this was an occasion where the motives were identified before the act.
Now take the recent short lived relationship. After the fact I see I wanted to rescue her, wanted to prove I could be a successful dad this time around, wanted someone to make me feel good and hell yeah, wanted intimacy and sex. Of course I dressed it up in romance. I think she wanted the intimacy and the sex and to feel good too. Now if I'd been honest with myself things might have been diffrent. But I only got honest yesterday. A month after it was all over. Sure I'll not forget her and sure I'll be open to a reconciliation and I definitely enjoyed the time we had but I'll not be waitng round the corner. She's in another relationship already and though I think she'll get hurt, I have to remember that it's none of my damn business. Finally as regards the soon to be ex wife, (Well that'll maybe take longer than I'd hoped) I realise that my motivation fo staying in sick, dead end relationship was fear based, fear of being alone, fear of no intimacy, fear of no sex, fear of abandonment.
Yes it's been a massively painful month for me, but it's true that from the greatest pain comes the greatest lessons.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
Good job bill...more will be revealed. Keep doing the pick and shovel work and like my last 4th step...you'll arrive at the tap root of all of your defects. With time and work your new discoveries themselves will take on different perspectives and meanings also.
Your journey reminds me of my own and I wanna blurt out however...this is about you and your discovery. Keep digging and good luck.
Motives, motives, motives....... Yep, anything and everything could trigger negative feelings at times. Good to see we can with hard work find out why we do what we do. Sometimes repeating the same things over and over again till our eyes are open. Thanks for reminding me of my motives and how there were times when my motives could have triggered horrible events and consequences. Good luck and God Bless...... We are all miracles in progress!! Day by day, minute by minute at times!!
