A bit of a wreck at the moment. not drinking but very stressed out
a decision ive put off and off and off getting to the point it is driving me INSANE
do i or dont I......do this thing
all the rights and wrongs and crazy in my head
CRAZY making. when would be best to do it, can i handle this situation i will put myself into, will it give me a break down. Last time I went into this situation I almost did have a breakdown. I am scared it wont be different.
Half of me is screaming I have to, half of me is terrifed and its all wrong
i cant put it off much longer i am scared to do it, and wanting to do it.
been sober for a while now but heck this is driving me insane.
i started smoking again and currently chain smoking feeling like i want to vomit
trying to figure out whats best to do and there is no best to do.
its all a jumble in my head and i dont have time to think straight i have to make a decision.
Ive been putting it off, saying i will decide later...... a few more hours of respite but the 'situation' is still there
my husband says just do it and get it over with. but i bawk cause it is damn scary and i AM scared, terrifed. And also other factors where i feel i am not being responsible if i do this thing.
But I keep putting it off and it goes around and around.
am scared and feel sick. i want to world to go away i want some peace.
Its all very rushed now.
I dont want to drink but that voice in my head is saying if i go and drink then all of this shite can go away. I wont be needing to make decisions i will be a mess and not expected to deal with this world stuff.
life is hard and i stink at fear at making the correct decision. I dont want to ring my sponsor because shes heard me freak out on this situation before and shes probably sick of me going on about it.
and I dont want to drink. And i dont think i will but this is scaring me how crazy upset this thing is making me feel. Is this my disease trying to mess me up so i get to the point i feel so stressed i reach for a bottle? I feel so stressed and NO time to take my time deciding its like rush hour rush rush rush times running out i have to decide. its all wrong.
hi Linbaba I have a sponsor already it was too early to ring her so i posted on here ive been through the steps and try and practise them to teh best of my abilty this issue is very scary for me it recently came up again and I have been feeling like im on the verge of a breakdown with it.
i spoke to my sponsor she said get to a meeting. i will tonight. pray and mediate on it. have done. am doing. and she said to ring her later on and to let her know that i had taken the first step towards this 'thing' that i am worried about. Ive done the action and now I am trying to hand it over. I am really scared and not sure if i have done the right thing. I am trying my hardest to hand it over.
"go ask ANY single person who has actually worked the steps if their problems, not just drinking but ALL of their problems were lifted" Um not for me, I still struggle with a few things. anyways im trying to hand it over
-- Edited by slugcat on Thursday 19th of May 2011 06:13:23 AM
-- Edited by slugcat on Thursday 19th of May 2011 06:23:48 AM
Picking up for us,will never make it better,wind the tape to the end and remember why you put it down in the first place. Focus on step 2 ,the restoration to sanity,and call your sponsor,someone working an honest program and hang in.Our thoughts may keep popping up driving us to think things will be better with a little 'relaxer",it is the illness speaking.It wants you back.......I will keep youin prayer and hope to hear back from you soon....we suffer from a dilemma that is spiritual in nature,therefore we will work with spiritual matters(steps/higher power )In prayer.
__________________
Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Thanks Mike Nice to have a prayer thank you. I was spinning before. I get into states I find it really hard to get out of the spiral. Ive been bad not doing my daily prayers actually. Jeepers it all comes home to roost doesnt it.
I havent been mediating for AGES I havent been praying, well I do pray actually all the time I say thank you to God and been very grateful! the last 4 weeks have been slack with it not actually handing stuff over in the mornings. I only been doing one meeting a week for a few weeks. BAD.
hmmm
then this problem comes along and WHAM. Mind due the problem has been there WHAMING me for a bloody long time. and ive prayed alot, mediated gone to meetings each day and tried working the steps on it,but i didnt resolve it. well i did but not forever, at the time i decided it was OK to not take action with it. and that is fine i guess.
Its now when its gotten so bad i am at the point if i dont jsut go and do this, even though its not the best plan, if i dont just do this scary thing i am going to lose my mind over it.
Guess when the pain is bad enough and there is no way out is when i take action. good grief :/
Have to get to a meeting tonight. AM going to go pray now.
I feel safe thanks for your prayer is very kind of you.
I feel safe now, protected, knowing HP will help and even if i have messed up big time its OK. JUST HAVE TO TRUST MY HP and take it a bit easy.
Thanks both of you for posting. sorry for being snappy Linbaba.
-- Edited by slugcat on Thursday 19th of May 2011 06:33:23 AM
-- Edited by slugcat on Thursday 19th of May 2011 06:35:47 AM
PRAY. Ask your Higher Power for clarity and guidance. YOU are not equipped to make good decisions! YOU are an alcoholic and our brains cannot be trusted. This disease in our brains lies to us, wants us to be confused, wants us to drink again. By trying so hard to figure it out and control the outcome, you are letting the disease win this round and push you into crazy town. LET GO and let God. PRAY, you are powerless! Then, meditate. Totally clear your mind and focus on just being. Breathe deep. Relax. God is in charge. The answers will be revealed! If not now, then you aren't meant to know yet. Surrender, my friend.
This is what my sponsor told me to do when I was struggling with a decision and going crazy. "If, after prayer and deep meditation you still feel crazy, go to the beach and stare at the sand for an hour. Do nothing but stare at the sand." Ok....I did this and then called my sponsor and said, "Yeah, ok. So?"
She said,"Realize, you are as small and insignificant as a grain of sand in the grand scheme of life. Look up to the ocean. The ocean represents God. Listen to the sound of the waves, the waves have the answers...when it is time for you to hear them."
"go ask ANY single person who has actually worked the steps if their problems, not just drinking but ALL of their problems were lifted"
Um not for me, I still struggle with a few things.
Aah, but they -are- being "lifted" by using the steps, first the slide into self will:
I havent been mediating for AGES I havent been praying, well I do pray actually all the time I say thank you to God and been very grateful! the last 4 weeks have been slack with it not actually handing stuff over in the mornings. I only been doing one meeting a week for a few weeks. BAD.
at the time i decided it was OK to not take action with it. and that is fine i guess.
Its now when its gotten so bad i am at the point if i dont jsut go and do this, even though its not the best plan, if i dont just do this scary thing i am going to lose my mind over it.
and then going back to the program for the solution:
Guess when the pain is bad enough and there is no way out is when i take action. good grief :/
Have to get to a meeting tonight. AM going to go pray now.
i spoke to my sponsor she said get to a meeting. i will tonight. pray and mediate on it. have done. am doing. and she said to ring her later on and to let her know that i had taken the first step towards this 'thing' that i am worried about. Ive done the action and now I am trying to hand it over. I am really scared and not sure if i have done the right thing. I am trying my hardest to hand it over.
Then the next thing you will write about will be "The Resolution", which for most of us usually looks like this:
Wow, I went ahead and did the next right thing although I was absolutely terrified and it didn't happen the way I thought it would -at all-, my fears turned out to be projections and I was planning on saying things to people that they never even said, Wow!!! what a relief that is behind me!!!!
So: Problem:
I havent been meditating for AGES I havent been praying, well I do pray actually all the time I say thank you to God and been very grateful! the last 4 weeks have been slack with it not actually handing stuff over in the mornings. I only been doing one meeting a week for a few weeks.
Solution:
I Have to get to a meeting tonight. AM going to go pray now.
i spoke to my sponsor she said get to a meeting. i will tonight. pray and mediate on it. have done. am doing. and she said to ring her later on and to let her know that i had taken the first step towards this 'thing' that i am worried about. Ive done the action and now I am trying to hand it over.
Resolution:
Looking forward to hear you "fill in this blank" later, after the action
__________________
it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
I rely on a slogan a past sponsor imbedded into my fevered mind when I was fevered about making decisions for myself. "when in doubt ... Don't" Don T happened to be his program name and so I got two solutions with one slogan...don't do anything when I was in doubt and call Don T. That slogan still works. Also if I have some thing making me fidgit as hard as this is you to the point of feeling ill? I won't even go there and will detach from it. When I was in anxious situations and telling Don..."I can do this I know I can do this." He use to slow me down with "Yes you can probably do it, but should you?" The process was about open minded quiet thinking rather than ricochetting all over the place with fear and anxiety.
If you go and drink there might not be enough available to calm you down and then you may never get another chance to drink again or continue with the fellowship.
Picking up for us,will never make it better,wind the tape to the end and remember why you put it down in the first place. Focus on step 2 ,the restoration to sanity,and call your sponsor,someone working an honest program and hang in.Our thoughts may keep popping up driving us to think things will be better with a little 'relaxer",it is the illness speaking.It wants you back.......I will keep you in prayer and hope to hear back from you soon....we suffer from a dilemma that is spiritual in nature,therefore we will work with spiritual matters(steps/higher power ) all done in prayer.
Amen...Mike. Certainly words and prayers to live by -one day at a time.
HeatherK wrote:
PRAY. Ask your Higher Power for clarity and guidance. YOU are not equipped to make good decisions! YOU are an alcoholic and our brains cannot be trusted. This disease in our brains lies to us, wants us to be confused, wants us to drink again. By trying so hard to figure it out and control the outcome, you are letting the disease win this round and push you into crazy town. LET GO and let God. PRAY, you are powerless! Then, meditate. Totally clear your mind and focus on just being. Breathe deep. Relax. God is in charge. The answers will be revealed! If not now, then you aren't meant to know yet. Surrender, my friend.
This is what my sponsor told me to do when I was struggling with a decision and going crazy. "If, after prayer and deep meditation you still feel crazy, go to the beach and stare at the sand for an hour. Do nothing but stare at the sand." Ok....I did this and then called my sponsor and said, "Yeah, ok. So?"
She said,"Realize, you are as small and insignificant as a grain of sand in the grand scheme of life. Look up to the ocean. The ocean represents God. Listen to the sound of the waves, the waves have the answers...when it is time for you to hear them."
Peace be with you! Heather
Amen...Heather. More words and prayers to live by -one day at a time
~May God bless both of you~
-- Edited by Mr_David on Friday 20th of May 2011 04:16:08 PM
