"So I dont know if this is God helping me or what"  After how it happened for me that is the only conclusion that came to me and stayed.  For me it was and is the "coming to believe" after I had exhausted all investigation regarding the first event and then the journey to get and stay sober.  I was told early on which I easily sluffed off that our program of recovery is a "God" thing.  I was concerned about the fellowship being churchy and they were not...some get preachy but not in the same form as organized (or disorganized for that matter  ..LOL) religion.  I found a Higher Power in the rooms of recovery and since then HP as confirmed with me that I was being directed mostly when I didn't know I was and since have come to hope and faith that the relationship will stay that way.  HP want's you, us, me sober so that we can be of best use.  Congradulations on the sober days...find a meeting, call it home, find a chair, sit down; all the way down, listen, learn, practice...practice..practice and keep coming back cause it works when you work it.   What a concept buying food and eating instead of boozing. Soooo profound.   (((hugs)))

Thanks...windowview for the topic.

 It's strange isn't it? Those feelings that terrify us into submission -once again. My epiphany was born out of need not want. I needed to feel comfortable and alcohol provided me with some much needed relief in times of peril or persecution. However...it didn't last. Alcohol was a temporary fix to a permanent problem, which caused more pain than it's worth. I wanted to adopt a more practical and sober approach to handling life's challenges and alcohol wasn't cutting the mustard anymore. So what happened? I had to change...and I did -thank God.

I don't want to get religious on you here but I will for practical purposes only. You talked about betwixt and between, which is a good analogy, especially after reading your post. It says in Philippians 1:23 of the Bible and I'm quoting here: "For I am in a strait betwixt two". I guess you can apply the same meaning in that passage to your dilemma. You want to remain sober which is the sane thing to do and there is that other desire, which fills the alcoholic void in our life -nothing more. We all know where that leads and believe me it's not to a recovery forum. So...What to do? Good question...   

The psychological cravings of wanting to drink became so overwhelming, that the thought of a drink was contstantly on my mind -especially in early sobriety. The cravings weren't just a figment of my imagination, they were actually happening. I craved alcohol like I did a big juicy hamburger, which was most of the time. So...the dilemma ensued.

My sponsors suggestion early on in my sobriety was to "bear the pain and discomforts of life and do so even through the most trying of times". He said and I'm quoting here: "Bear the discomforts and the comfort will come". If I only had "the will and the way to bear those discomforts, to spot the defeatist babble in my brain and the means to stamp it out, than the chances at prolonged sobriety would be a real possibility". That did happen over time, of course -thanks be to God. My suggestion to you is this:  Whatever comforts you and brings joy to your life despite the anxieties that tend to overwhelm us from time to time is a good start. Focusing our attention  elsewhere and dedicating our time to more meaningful and pleasant experiences rather than our minor inconveniences, helps restore proper balance during the emotional benders of life. That's what my sponsor suggested to me and I'm returning that favor to you.

Finally...here are some partings words from a famous doctor who gave us some valuable insights on our addictions: "The resoluteness of the muscles will overcome the defeatism of the brain". That's why they always say "move a muscle and change a thought". "We should Replace insecure thoughts with secure thoughts". "We should be self led not symptom led". "Our Symptoms are to be patiently borne, bravely faced and humbly tolerated". Finally...here's my favorite part: "Symptoms are distressing not dangerous and the return of the symptom doesn't mean return of the illness". How true...Keep the light on, my friend, always remembering this one principle "Time heals all wounds, so give time "time". 

~God bless~

Window view - I read your initial post here with a feeling of here is a guy that is following a similar path to me.

I was a binger, just like you until it got worse, much worse.

In my experience alcoholism is a three legged disease. Remember this, it is a disease, not a choice, not a failing, not a lack of will power, but a disease.

It's not my fault or anyone else's that I'm an alkie. But it is MY responsibility to do summat about it.

Alcoholism as I said is a three legged disease. Mental - I was obsessed with the drink, this time it'll be different even though all indications said it would be the same or worse. Physical - I out alcohol into my body and something happens that doesn't happen to non alkies - my body and brain scream out for more and more. Spiritual - without a doubt I believed I was the all knowing all powerful most important person in total control of everything.

The solution is also 3 legged. Meetings, Sponsor, Steps.

Go to meetings and find other people like you, you are not alone in this.

Find a sponsor to guide you through the steps.

Embrace the stesp wholeheartedly and learn how to live a new life.

Now you make a choice - does it hurt enough for you to want to stop? If yes, get your arse to a meeting as soon as possible. Sit and listen.

If it doesn't hurt enough yet, then go to that bar and get a good cargo on.

It may be that you're just a heavy drinker, it may be that you decide you are an alkie.

If you decide you are an alkie and you keep on drinking, it will get worse. You will get sicker. I know this because this was my progression. You will lose more and more. I know this because this was my progression. Ultimately you'll go Insane, go In Jail or go In the ground. I know this because I've seen it happen.

It's up to you.