My name is vixen and I am an alcoholic. Today is my fourth day without drinking and my third day reading all I can from both these forums and The BB. I will be hitting some local meetings once I get over my cold.
I am pretty much terrified and excited in equal amounts. I first attended an AA meeting 18 years ago. I left knowing I was most likely an alcoholic and I never went back. Flash forward through many years of trying to moderate and trying so so hard to be a normal drinker and here I am. This time though I am ready to take the steps and do the work knowing I can't control this and need to turn it over completely to my Higher Power.
I don't want to die from this. I don't want alcohol to be the number one priority in my life. I don't want to fail at trying to keep it to just one glass. I don't want to wake up in fear again. I don't want to just survive.
I want to embrace my own self-worth. I want to examine myself in depth. I want to learn to ask for help. I want to participate fully and honestly in my own recovery.
And I want to thank you all for making these past few days easier and helping me to believe I can do this, if I do take the steps.
~ vixen
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I think there's an invisible principle of living...if we believe we're guided through every step of our lives, we are. Its a lovely sight, watching it work.
Welcome...and get thee hiney to a meeting STAT!!!!!!
My "window of opportunity" to get sober generally has a pretty short shelf life, so over the years I have learned when it does open the time to go to a meeting is RIGHT NOW, because the door closes and it has taken anywhere from 5 weeks to 5 years to open again, the last time I got sober I felt that window open and was at a meeting that night and almost every night for the next year, since I had some experience with not getting off my butt and into action fast enough and having to wait around until I was bludgeoned into a pathetic mess again for me to get willing again, because that is what it takes to get sober, the gift of desperation following pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization
I hope your bottom was a bad one I hope that so it was your last one, and it gives YOU the gift of desperation, 19 out of 20 people who walk through those doors don't make it, the 1 out of 20 that does is the one that grabs on with the desperation of a drowning man
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
Anybody can do this, just look at us. I haven't had a drink in almost 10 years -one day at a time. The choice you made probably saved your life, and one that will pay many dividends over the course of time. We will be here to support you every step of the way. Welcome, once again, to our little family.
Thanks to all for the warm welcome and words of advice! :)
I had an opportunity to flex my new sober muscles last night. My husband went to the store and when he returned he had a bottle of wine for me. Before my head could start whirling around all the reasons I should have some I heard this voice in my head almost shouting DON'T THINK. Before I knew it I handed it back to him and told him to put it in his wine cellar, that I wasn't drinking. It seemed very simple and yet inside I had this lovely rush of excitement knowing I no longer have to control how much I drink...if I don't have that first glass!
More BB reading today and a meeting tomorrow...and more time reading all the stories and wise words here too.
Best to all,
~ vixen
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I think there's an invisible principle of living...if we believe we're guided through every step of our lives, we are. Its a lovely sight, watching it work.
I Pray that you will go back and re-read Lin Baba words to you. About that window of opportunity, you posted this in this mornings responses, and I strongly suggest as LinBaba did that you make it to a meeting today, NOT tomorrow, all we have is today, and none of us has tomorrow.
If you are a true alcoholic, sounds like you are, then the power of "I" can control this, simply does not apply anywhere. (sorry for what might seem to be harsh, but I did see so many "I" in you response. When LinBaba used the word "Stat" a strong but so very true word, we are talking about a life or death disease.
My Pray for you is that you will rethink you meeting about going tomorrow, and get BUTT in chair TODAY".
I see your willingness, and hope that it contains desparation. When the sun comes up tomorrow, you cannot say with any certainty that the window of opportunity that LinBana wrote about will remain....
I held on to the "I" can control this, with 1/2 bottle of wine, then one little pint of 80 proof, for and then 2 little bottles of 80 proof, so obviously I had slid down further than you have, but it was the "I" can do this, that led into to gates of hell, and straight into the full "Grip of the Disease" where all Choice was gone, then 7 years later, 24/7 Blackout drunk.......found the gift of desparation and on my knees Praying and begging a GOD that I did not understand to "Please show me a different way. For some of us, it is barlely over our own dead bodies that God pulls us up and out, and throws us back into the AA Program and stops the Swinging door stay still. Listening for really the First time, Now I had the willingness to do anything, and for me with my stubborn Italian head, that meant, shutting up and listening for over a year, every day of the year. Continued to go to meetings everyday for about 4 years, AA saved my life, so I wanted to be there always, then and always go to meetings, had worked the Steps,vigously and will always continue to do so, and giving back what was so freely given to me.
That slide took more than 7 and half years, and now I am hopefully looking at in September, Only by the Grace of God, a 21st AA Birthday.
I Pray that you will reconsider that meeting and make it a prioity for today. and also take the "I"s out of your thinking you can control this.......If any of us was able to Control this disease there would be no need for Alcoholics Anonymous.
Welcome to Our little family here, looking so forward to hearing about your meeting. And just hearing more from you.
God Bless You,
Toni
-- Edited by Just Toni on Friday 13th of May 2011 11:46:54 AM
Welcome Vixen! Nice to have you here with us. Part of my Alcoholic thinking is procrastination. Putting things off for another day. The window LB wrote about is so true. I too, only had a small window of desparation. That window for me starts to close once it opens. It's like a window without a resistance and I missed that window many times- slamming my head off the glass and then getting resentful at myself that I didn't take the opportunity when it presented itself and then the whole cycle starts over again.
I hope you continue to join us here and help us stay sober. God Bless.
Hi Vixen, like yourself, I got that eureka moment and joined this board which was incredibly helpful. I needed face to face meetings also and am so glad that I made that move in the first days of sobriety. The meetings are great and I have never regretted taking that step.
Thank you: Toni, Mike and Marie! I really appreciate the comments, wise words and support. I am taking this very seriously and soaking up everything you all have to say. Though a meeting was not an option today I will be the first one at the door early tomorrow morning before work and at another the next day after work.
Today I went to an online meeting, read from the BB and hung out here and just went through old posts nodding along often in agreement thinking, yep...that's me...and yep, it's time.
My bottom may not look as bad from the outside but on the inside I have been slowly killing my self-respect for too many years to count and since I am pretty awful at controlling this alcohol problem am ready to connect deeply and personally with my Higher Power and ask for His wisdom, love and guidance to surround me as I work the steps. As for today, I did not drink and am grateful for that.
Best to all,
~ vixen
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I think there's an invisible principle of living...if we believe we're guided through every step of our lives, we are. Its a lovely sight, watching it work.
e need you ,glad you stopped in!Hope to see more of ya!!!