I found myself backsliding spiritually recently. For me it is a lack of discipline in the basics of what the BB teaches. Some of my old defects came to visit me, restlessness; irritation & discontent. It came in small doses but enough to put me right back in to my program. God uses one of the best instruments to restore my spiritual condition- PAIN.
When my tongue is not under the control of God, it has the capacity to cause tremendous damage.
When my thinking is not under the control of God, it has the capacity to cause tremendous damage.
When my actions are not under the control of God, it has the capacity to cause tremendous damage.
The 12 step program together with my prayer life keeps me spiritually fit. That reduces my chances of drinking alcohol again to relieve my pain. I have been very blessed but I do not want to forget where I come from, for alcohol is a subtle foe. I thank God for AA and my group. They are priceless in my sobriety.
No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is, that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.
The same thing has been going on with me except it has been -fear- that has been causing me discomfort, and holding me back
I remember when I was going over the following passage with my first sponsor:
Notice that the word "fear" is bracketed alongside the difficulties with Mr. Brown, Mrs. Jones, the employer, and the wife. This short word somehow touches about every aspect of our lives. It was an evil and corroding thread; the fabric of our existe nce was shot through with it. It set in motion trains of circumstances which brought us misfortune we felt we didn't deserve. But did not we, ourselves, set the ball rolling? Sometimes we think fear ought to be classed with stealing. It seems to cause more trouble.
and he said to me "Andrew, fear IS theft, fear steals peace of mind, it steals serenity, if you are afraid to do something, fear stole that from you
Today we all kinds of high falutin "diagnosis' for fear, anxiety disorder, panic attacks, bi polar, ad nauseum but the truth is for ME it's just fear, and in 99.99999% of the time that fear turns out to be bogeyman, nothing more, If I am afraid that I am going to lose my girlfriend, my fear ensures I act in such a way that I DO lose her, fear CREATES the very situations it says we are afraid of
I "suffer" from anxiety attacks and panic attacks where my chest hurts and I can't breathe, but in every single case they are "stimulation inappropriate", when I get to work and climb the life threatening tree and my life actually IS in danger, I am actually OK, I mean I have fear but it's not nearly as debilitating as the "make believe" fears I suffer from....then when I ACT on my "make believe fears:
It set in motion trains of circumstances which brought us misfortune we felt we didn't deserve. But did not we, ourselves, set the ball rolling?
just about all of my character defects stem from one sort of fear or another, even thinking I am superior to others by being judgmental is a form of fear, by judging myself better then -they- are I am bolstering low self esteem, which is fear I am not as good as everyone else
Thank you for this topic, I have been backsliding as well, and my spiritual sickness, led by pride and fear have been hurting not only me but those around me
-- Edited by LinBaba on Tuesday 10th of May 2011 01:15:05 PM
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
It's Toni, sitting in the back of the room, raising my hand, and adding, that makes three of us....
Every single word from each Post, EVERY SINGLE WORD, my exact thoughts.
Thank you Gonee, and LB for your amazing abilities to express yourself in written form.
Using TG's quoted words on Fear, SO VERY Powerful, and the fear is easing. Amazing how fear can start blowing up the wind to a full tornado, come straight at you, pick you up, toss your head around and leave the pieces and just keep moving on to the next vulnerable soul, all you can do is observe it's power, try fighting it off?, One, if not the hardest of God's Gifts to us, as Gladlee's Post the other day, on Kill Thyself, To be Free, That was awesome too.
there are writings that tell us 'that the progression of recovery is a continuous uphill journey and without'effort" we start our slide down that hill again, but the kicker is that the progression of the disease is ongoing even during abstinence(those defects and shortcomings need daily work) Complacency is the enemy ,if we are complacent too long,our process begins to cease...When I feel the slip (and it occurs sometimes even when I think its all good!!) I know I got get back to basics, emotional acceptance of utter defeat and surrender my will to the "care of" and even though I do make the decison,and I definitely have the desire "I JUST MAY NOT BE WILLING" iN BETWEEN HONESTY AND WILLINGNESS IS 'openmindedness,we can all do the reading but we got to get it in our heart and heads(keep it on me here)Like spiritual writings tell us the tongue is like the very small rudder of a very large ship that can turn whever the pilot wants to go ,or a large horse that can be turned by a small bit in its mouth and so our words(tongue)they may be small things but they can cause much damage! Maintaining our fit spiritual conditon,practiced by our solution'the steps" and guided by that Power greater than ourselves.will bring us back on course..we can gain our spiritual conditon by attending to our primary purpose " to be of maximum service to God and help others..EASY, oh no...DOABLE oh yeah....! a day at a time .Thanks Gonee for reminding me to remain vigilante always....
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
After just completing a very vigorous battle with a health issue, here comes another, unrelated but potential to be very serious.
Your Words below have helped me today,
"back to basics, emotional acceptance of utter defeat and surrender my will to the "care of"
I, we are so blessed to be together in this never ending uphill battle, I was certain that I was getting this right, practicing the 11th step, daily and then opps, attacked my fear. This too shall Pass. It has always in the past. Yesterday frozen in Fear, today defrosting and observing.
Mike, when you have the time, will you tell me how you handle Fear when it raises it ugly head, and is on the attack.
Gonee this Post has been so enlightening to me, thank you for sharing this with us.
Toni
-- Edited by Just Toni on Tuesday 10th of May 2011 04:30:26 PM
You're right gonee..."Pain is the touchstone of all spiritual progress" (step 10 of the twelve and twelve) and rightfully so. Through this painstaking process comes a measure of humility which can restore proper balance throughout the ordeal. When the dark clouds of our ordeal start to dissipate and the sunlight of the spirit emerges once again, we can finally see what was needed all along and how humility proved to be necessary bonding agent to quell those anxious moments as the restoration process begins to unfold. It's as if almighty God himself finally said...My will not yours be done. We can claim victory only at the end of our ordeals and finally breathe a sigh of relief as we discover the reason behind these trying circumstances and how we've grown spiritually as a result. That was my epiphany and one I still remember, long after my undoing some 9+ years ago, and I hope it can be yours too as well.
~God bless~
-- Edited by Mr_David on Wednesday 11th of May 2011 01:33:08 AM
This is the greatness of alcoholics. We can admit our defects and help others in th process. Thanks to all of you. I needed your sponsorship in this area. Gonee.
Thank you gonee for this topic. I've has a case of the "blahs" for about a month now but couldn't quite put my finger on it. I've even had thoughts, though briefly, that maybe I'm not a "real" alcoholic -- quite scary how this disease can sneak up on you. I guess the key is to identify those moments and take action before it smacks us over the head with a baseball bat.
The responses here have been so helpful. Thank you to all who replied too. Time re-visit steps 1-3 and place renewed focus on 10-12, I think.
Imagine my dismay when I discovered that I wasn't alone feeling this way. I call these times in my recovery "sink or swim" moments. I believe it's my HP's way of telling me it's time to quit treading water and start swimming. I know that I can tread water for a little while, but sooner or later my arms are going to get tired, and I have to decide if I want to start swimming to safety, or give up and drown. As bad as these time can hurt, I'm grateful for these moments of growth. I believe today that my happiness and contentedness are a direct result of my spiritual condition at any given time. When I'm ready for more of the "good stuff", it's time for me to start working on my spirituality. Thanks for helping me remember that I am no longer alone in all this!
Brian
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Nothing ever truly dies. The universe wastes nothing. Everything is simply, transformed. :confuse:
fear is what made me want to drink when I drank. Drink takes away fear, only to replace it with hundredfold more when you are not completely drunk.
Scary thing for me is I've only recently realised just how much 'small fear' is in my life. I work and all but the most trivial of exchanges have fear in for me. Joined a new office recently. Needed to ask someone for something. So I do they say they'll do it. Half hour later still waiting so I have to go and ask again. I find myself sitting waiting thinking.. oh i don't want to have to go and ask again. I felt anxious. It's crazy. This is one small example but it happens many times in the day im not really a timid person but behind the scenes there is so much worry and fear about the most simplest of interactions with other people. What if they dont like me. What if they respond in a way that makes me look stupid. What if I respond in a way that makes me look stupid. I only recently realised this as it's been the norm for so long.
Now Ive realised it I have to figure out how I can overcome it. Its so lame. Maybe drink did this to me, I don't think I was always like it.
Just like others said though the sad thing is its self fulfilling, your afraid of the situation so you are tense, your words sound lacking in confidence. You struggle to find something to say that sounds like it's meant to be there, your words come across awkwardly. You can't find the balance between being aggressive and sounding like you want everyone to like you. Its a stupid way to be for a grown adult. But this fear is horrible.
-- Edited by windowview on Friday 13th of May 2011 05:35:41 PM
