I had 3 and a half years sobriety up until February; I have drunk alcohol 4 times since.
My meetings did tail off a bit although I continued meeting with my sponsor and working the Steps, plus carried on with a duty at my home group.
I've had a veritable slew of MH problems lately: Panic attacks, Depression, my Bi-Polar really kicking in. I found that I could go from feeling happy at a meeting, solicitous and listening to others to absolutely hating AA, everyone in it and myself within the space of 1 hour.
I sought help with my doctor and a consultant Psychiatrist. Different medications were tried out on me...one med made me even more anxious; another gave me suicide ideation and this led me to drink last Tuesday. My roller-coaster of emotions is something I've blogged about:
http://amaranth-parallelreality.blogspot.com/
But I'm 98 hours alcohol-free, have been to meetings yesterday, today, and meet up with my sponsor again on Sunday afternoon, so I am grateful and glad to be here.
Hi Richard, It's one hard thing this, and it's a journey, so the main thing is you are back where you need to be right now. Your panic attacks and depression are symptoms obv I'm no doctor but I think it'll really be worth your while exploring new things in your life, maybe going to parks? or going to the beach? or finding some author you really like? Also some quite time helps I think, I'm new to this, I wished I was sober for 3.5 years I've only just started but I do know with me I am at my weakest when I feel low, so the key for me, and I'm sure for you is finding out why you feel low and trying to find decent things to do that make you feel happier. Sure it's not as easy as that when you have bi-polar (a relative has it so I know what it is like) but you are in control of your life, you can create the life you want, and I know you will with the help of your HP. Good luck being happy, and staying off the deluder that is alcohol. So much has happened to me lately as a result of drink and yet I still wanted to drink again today when I felt like crap. It's a vicious nasty deluder. I managed not to which given I'm only about a week sober Isn't no great achievement. But I'm just trying to let you know I know how it can grab you back and how hard it can be to turn down. But please continue to remember why you stopped in the first place, that short term feel good multiplies itself a hundred fold in long term feel bad with the destruction it causes. GOOD LUCK Richard! Pleased your back sober. You can do this. And ultimately AA is about YOU, not you're group. If you don't like your group try another AA - try anything except the poison that is Alcohol
-- Edited by windowview on Saturday 7th of May 2011 04:05:14 PM
Puzzled wrote " Different medications were tried out on me...one med made me even more anxious; another gave me suicide ideation and this led me to drink last Tuesday." This sounds way different from "I became so hostile to AA that I drank again." You are not alone here with co-occurring disorders...many of us have experienced the things you describe and it is sometimes more difficult to stay grounded in AA with the complexity of psych meds and mood disorders. I have found that I especially need to learn about the necessity of balance, and moderation, in all things, and willingness, and practicing good health care. The alcoholism is bad enough and the other stuff just triples the challenges. Sometimes it is exhausting to put in the amount of work and vigilance needed to attain and maintain that balance, but I know from past experience that the alternative is going whack-a-doodle, dying, or drinking or all three. No thanks!!
My first "assignment" from my sponsor was to list what I want from sobriety. I didn't have to think long on my answer, even though I have until the next time I meet with her which is in 3 days. I want what "The Promises" says. And I'm willing to do all that I have to do to get it. Are you? It's been proven to work!
I can certainly empathize with having an MH diagnosis but it is not going to behoove you to use it as an excuse to drink. No matter how anxious, depressed, whatever...even clinical depression and panic attacks (which I have had while sober now) is reason for me to drink. No meds work effectively with alcohol. Alcohol will increase my anxiety and depression. I used to be under the delusion that it helped my moods and calmed me. I thought the same about cigarettes. Both kept me in a state of depression and anxiety.
When I feel totally crazy or have insane ideas now, I step back and recognize I do obsess over things, I have been diagnosed with anxiety disorder and depression. I work it to my advantage to NOT drink. I know that sometimes I just have crazy thoughts and feelings and they are not facts.
Anyhow, you have my support and I'm with you in terms of having a history of trying to medicate anxiety with alcohol, but it stopped working for both of us a long time ago right? It will never work again so please stop trying that experiment.
In caring and support,
Mark
Also, I have sat in meetings with that feeling of being annoyed by everyone there. That is when I remember there are times when they are all likely annoyed by me and I need to check myself. Not everyone shares it, but I really think like half the people in AA have depression or bipolar and we manage our moods using tools from AA, meds (as perscribed of course), and other supports.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Saturday 7th of May 2011 06:49:34 PM
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
You relapsed... and that's painfully obvious, so let's leave it at that. You're right about one thing, getting to a point where "drinking" is now an option isn't good. The best advice you can give yourself when confronted with that dilemma is to follow the words of a very wise fellow who once said: "Call or Communicate with somebody, either through your sober network or via a recovery forum, do whatever is necessary to avoid the pain and anguish that is a relapse. It only gets worse". Hindsight is 20/20 isn't it? Now that were sober. We'll pray you'll stay that way -one day at a time.
-- Edited by Mr_David on Saturday 7th of May 2011 09:13:49 PM
I can certainly empathize with having an MH diagnosis but it is not going to behoove you to use it as an excuse to drink. No matter how anxious, depressed, whatever...even clinical depression and panic attacks (which I have had while sober now) is reason for me to drink. No meds work effectively with alcohol. Alcohol will increase my anxiety and depression. I used to be under the delusion that it helped my moods and calmed me. I thought the same about cigarettes. Both kept me in a state of depression and anxiety.
When I feel totally crazy or have insane ideas now, I step back and recognize I do obsess over things, I have been diagnosed with anxiety disorder and depression. I work it to my advantage to NOT drink. I know that sometimes I just have crazy thoughts and feelings and they are not facts.
Anyhow, you have my support and I'm with you in terms of having a history of trying to medicate anxiety with alcohol, but it stopped working for both of us a long time ago right? It will never work again so please stop trying that experiment.
In caring and support,
Mark
Also, I have sat in meetings with that feeling of being annoyed by everyone there. That is when I remember there are times when they are all likely annoyed by me and I need to check myself. Not everyone shares it, but I really think like half the people in AA have depression or bipolar and we manage our moods using tools from AA, meds (as perscribed of course), and other supports.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Saturday 7th of May 2011 06:49:34 PM
Well, it is my excuse for drinking. Absolutely, I blame my MH issues.
My sponsor says that I am a perfect example of someone who worked the Steps to the best of their ability, attended meetings, had a duty, tried to help others - yet still I drank.
Nothing wrong with my AA, I believe, but problems with 3 different MH illnesses. A mistake I made, perhaps, was to blame AA.
-- Edited by puzzled on Sunday 8th of May 2011 06:07:24 AM
Okay..well anytime you feel depressed or anxious you will have a ready made excuse to drink. I didn't ask to have an anxiety disorder or depression either but there is no way I'm going to get started down that slope again of thinking alcohol is the solution to any of my mood problems. If anything, it contributes to causing and worsening them.
You can blame your mental health diagnosis all you want but it just turns you into more of a victim.
(I know it sounds harsh and in reality we probably have a lot in common and would get along but this is just how I have to view things in order to keep myself sober)
-edit again- I also realize I don't walk in your shoes and maybe my MH issues are balanced by the right meds which I have been on for over a decade now. So for that I am blessed.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Sunday 8th of May 2011 11:50:29 AM
-- Edited by pinkchip on Sunday 8th of May 2011 11:52:05 AM
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I did "everything right" and drank after 3 years, meetings every day, 5 sponsees, on my third trip through the steps, 3-4 commitments a week....I got up in the middle of the night, poured myself a shot, went back to sleep and when I woke up in the morning thought it was a dream...except I kept burping cognac.....
Although I had done "everything right" some frinds had started drinking and appeared to be "non-alcoholic" so I started secretly entertaining the idea that I might not be alcoholic..., thus I had lost step one, this disease is cunning baffling and powerful...it took me some years to get back, and eventually I sought out a therapist, who referred me to a psychriatrist eventually, I was diagnosed with PTSD, well a form of it called "counter-phobic" I had clinical depression, anxiety attacks blah blah the usual laundry list of what we all suffer from in the rooms at one time or another when we don't drink, as time went on I learned to call that stuff "life" and I learned how to manage it without chemical aids, anyhow, that's just me, but when it came to me drinking, as long as I have a "story" about why I drank, I couldn't get sober, over the years I have had MANY MANY sponsees, and as long as they had a "story" about why THEY drank, they couldn't get sober
it finally occured to me I drank because I am powerless over alcohol and my life was unmanageable, not my day to day stuff, I go to work, go to the bathroom, wipe my own butt n stuff, my -interior- life was unmanageable, as long as I believe what the disease tells me, I don't recover...ever
I drank because -insert story about how unique I am here and the special set of circumstances that drove me to drink = no sobriety
I drank because I am an alcoholic and I am powerless over alcohol and I believed the stories my mind told me about why it was necessary for me to drink = I now have a chance to get sober
My sponsor says that I am a perfect example of someone who worked the Steps to the best of their ability, attended meetings, had a duty, tried to help others - yet still I drank.
I can work the rest of the steps until I am blue in the face, but if I haven't worked a thorough first step, the entire thing is built on sand, as long as I think "conditions" whether interior or exterior drove me to drink, I don't thoroughly understand the nature of alcoholism, and until I understand the nature of alcoholism, I can't work a thorough first step, thus will be able to get "stretches" of being "dry", true sobriety will elude me, an alcoholic is someone who is powerless over alcohol, while we can go for considerable stretches of time "not drinking" true sobriety is a different animal entirely then "not drinking"
When asking a relapser why they drank, the following paragraphs sum it up perfectly
Once in a while he may tell the truth. And the truth, strange to say, is usually that he has no more idea why he took that first drink than you have. Some drinkers have excuses with which they are satisfied part of the time. But in their hearts they really do not know why they do it. Once this malady has a real hold, they are a baffled lot. There is the obsession that somehow, someday, they will beat the game. But they often suspect they are down for the count.
How true this is, few realize. In a vague way their families and friends sense that these drinkers are abnormal, but everybody hopefully awaits the day when the sufferer will rouse himself from his lethargy and assert his power of will.
The tragic truth is that if the man be a real alcoholic, the happy day may not arrive. He has lost control. At a certain point in the drinking of every alcoholic, he passes into a state where the most powerful desire to stop drinking is of absolutely no avail. This tragic situation has already arrived in practically every case long before it is suspected.
The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink.
If I had a sponsee that didn't understand the concept of step one thoroughly and had a "story" about why he drank, I would have to recuse myself from sponsoring until him until we learned together learned what step one actually means
We can't get sober until we work a thorough step one
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and our lives are unmanageable
if I have a "story" about why I drank, I think I have "power" over alcohol, thus haven't worked step one
-- Edited by LinBaba on Sunday 8th of May 2011 01:49:35 PM
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
Hey Richard: first things first, really glad that you're still coming back.
A lot of good stuff in this thread. I especially relate to what Mark (PC) and LinB are saying. Step 1 is the foundation of the programme for me: if I forget, I start to entertain some lurking notion that this time it really is going to be just a half-pint of Stella and I'm done --doesn't matter how thoroughly I've made amends, etc. I too have issues with depression and anxiety, I too have gone from one end of the pool to the other in the same meeting. But I've also heard lots of alcoholics who have no problems with depression or anxiety. They drank too. I am powerless over booze and my life had become unmanageable...because...I don't know why, just is.
And heard a great one in a meeting recently: drinking leads to misery for us. So simple and to the point, so true.
