ll this stuff...........keep fucken crying. Feels like it'll never stop........people are so good to me, a smile, a word and bang I'm gone...........went round to see a guy yesterday, a guy I've allus been scared of in the fellowship.......a gentler man you'd never meet.......fishing, crying and all he does is put his arm across my shoulders and tell me it'll be OK, get them out, told me he'd watched the pain build in me for years, waiting to come out, says it needs to happen...........at his house, first words his wife said was I'm alanon, he's AA and the yellow card works here too (Who you see here etc......)......she made me a sandwich, and was thoughtfull enough to put some fruit in the lunchbox rather than biscuits.........feels like nobody ever gave a toss for me until I got here...........all I got at home was Big Boys Don't Cry.......Mum said that Dad was ofen proud of me...why didn't he tell me????????? makes me think of how little praise I gave to my boy................................. make me think I wanted a rlationship with a family to prove I could do it better this time..........I'm 55,my parenting days are over................all I got i my marriage was control, bargaining, bribery...............I brought sicknss t y famiy and made the existig sicknes worse..........
__________________
It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
.can you see things changing???? Believe it or not your right where your suppose to be. As I read your post I see such great growth. Once you get thru this I know you will see it was all worth it. Keep up the growth, the work and thank you, thank you for posting with such honesty. I hope your pain eases soon!
Hey Bill! Hang in there man..You know my dad came from a family of an arranged marriage,his folks right off the boat from Italy....They hated each other and he in turn never learned how to say I love you.He always tried and showed it but it wasn't in his backround and he didnt know how to express it..When he died I would often think how lonely it must have been for him.Living without someone to love you can be a rough journey.Im sure in their way his parents did but they probably had same backround also..We come from learned behaviors....I tried to overcompensate with my 4 children ,probably to the point of not letting them live their own lives. I have middle age children that are active drug users and a 25 year old recovering heroin addict son.This illness is defintely a family disease....We do what we do ,and must move forward.I always thought I loved myself but it wasnt true,during my 25 years of using I would lie like crazy to myself..Very sick,deceivious and mean spirited ,all me stuff,really didnt even like myself.....Today ,through God's grace,the fellowship and a lot of work,im okay ,a day at a time.The real crux of the situation is big boys do cry!!!Tears and laughter ,2 of God's greatest gifts to us. I am heading toward 64,now Have a new grandbaby 16 days old and thru the blessings of recovery, God's grace and mercy,Lost dreams do awaken.Actually at times I feel as if there is so much I want to do and im probably in the last quarter of my life i get a little overwhelmed,like not enough time.(compulsion /obsession me thinks!!!)Thats the illness lurking,as long as I stay in the day im okay,,.Three marriages ,2 divorces(was heading for a 3rd),jails ,institutions,derilication and only God didn,t have my time card punched out ,and kept me around for a reason.You also Bill,the pain will cease and life is fleeting ,so grab it now,help somebody and that will definitely help you. Listen if no one told you they love you yet today well "I love you"It was 32 years before I was able to renew a relationship with my mid 40 year old children,With a great grandchild,5 grandkids ,people who love me and most of all a God who has been with me thru it all,I can just make the best of this day and go accordingly. It works in strange ways,I met my 3rd wife in a bar,3 years before I surrendered and we have been together going on 28 years now,I never thought it would be possible,until I stepped out on faith ,did some work and surrender daily. We do recover,but it is defintely thru a fit spiritual conditon,a daily reprieve(AND WE DON'T DRINK).Whatever happens,Just dont pickup and you'll move on..We are survivors,soldiers of a tremendous battle and we have scars from the war but we can't doubt our Higher Powers reasoning for us to still be here(keep it on me anyway).....Peace man,go with God today,stay tight ,it 'll be okay.............
__________________
Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
I haven't been where you are now so I have no ESH to share. All I can offer is support through this computer screen, which I'm sure is of little comfort. I can only hope that you are growing through this process and through it all you will find the peace and serenity that you deserve. Despite our pasts, we all deserve at least that.
My disease tells me a lot of crazy sh*t, Bill. Your parenting days are not over, my friend. You are all still walking this planet, and none of us have crystal balls. People change, hearts soften. We, alcoholics are great examples of that. Nothing stays the same.
What I identify with your post, is the intense fear. Divorce is scary, life is so uncertain and that can turn into fear real fast for me. And yet when you think about it, life has always been uncertain, we just had some crazy illusion we had it under control. Let it become acceptable...
I like what Mike said about stepping out on FAITH.... the cure for fear. The way I see it, you are at step two. My recovery is all about building a relationship with the One who runs the Universe. As I see it, your experiences are inviting you to do that... to just take it to another, more profound level.
What helps me so much when I am afraid is the page in the BB that reads, "Just to the extent that we do as we believe He would have us do, and humbly rely on Him, does He enable us to match calamity with serenity." On some days, I recited that over and over because quite honestly, on some days, I just did NOT know what to do next. Okay, so ... do the next right thing... and then HUMBLY RELY ON HIM. Those are my marching orders, that is some pretty sound guidance to me.
What I want to say about Love... you cannot be separated from it, Bill. It is always deep within you, you cannot lose it, it is not dependent on anything outside of you. Love is a state of Being. Maybe we didn't get it from our parents, but even that cannot separate us from it.
It's going to get better, Bill. There is a Power greater than yourself, greater than your circumstances, greater than the pain.... ((((hugs))))
-- Edited by gladlee on Saturday 7th of May 2011 11:40:53 AM
-- Edited by gladlee on Saturday 7th of May 2011 11:56:59 AM
Aloha Bill..pardon me while I ride your recovery and take to heart the responses you have received here and the ones you are getting at home. It does pass and when it does you will have new muscle...spiritual, mental, emotional and physical. You're okay; normal infact for who and what you are and what you a going thru to get where you will like being. God doesn't give you more than you can handle so like Mikef has shared God also expresses faith in you, us, me. You might not be seeing what I am seeing thru the filter of my own recovery and the recovery of others here and in the UK but you are being graced, loved unconditionally. It's all a part of the recovery lesson because we will be called upon to give that back...to some one else and I see that as happening with you now. Big boys cry...they have the same tear glands as little children and at times we cry because we are angry and hurt and remorseful. At other times we cry because life is soooo funny and fun that our tears arrive thru play and humor and not taking "it" all so seriously. I also use to cry about how I hurt others and because I was apalled at what I had done during the active days of alcoholism. I cried from compassion. I've heard that from you in this share...compassion for "them" (it's not all about me) and how you attempted living with "them" during the active alcoholism years. Cry it out and cry in gratitude. You are being given to because you...a man, non-drinking alcoholic, father and detached husband, member of Alcoholics Anonymous, hard worker and more including most importantly; Child of God are being graced and changed thru it all. I love watching the miracle evolved because I can never predict, assume, foretell or prophecy what is or is going to happen between God and another. I just watch the show...It's a God and Bill show and the only thing I know for sure is the part that you are worthy because that is what my HP told me so often.
Let it melt down...Let the slag separate from the precious metal and be ready for the next step.
In support with the MIP family. With Mike f leading...I love you also. (((hugs)))
Bill, you are not seeing the world through clear eyes right now. Yes, your relationship has not be good with your kids for the last 5 years, but there is always hope...always. Most folks would be experiencing serious depression with what you are going through. Hang in there. It takes 4 weeks or so for antidepressants to really kick in...by then you will have lost more weight and will be looking fabulous lol. I call it the depression diet. It's the one good thing to come out of a depressive episode.
Regarding the issues growing up....you are not alone there. My parents never talk about feelings and even though I have 2 masters degrees, I am the family fuck up with 1 sister who is a lawyer and 1 who is an electrical engineer. This is why I moved 1000 miles away from home to florida.
Whatever your family was, and whatever your bio family is right now....You have a family in us and in the rest of your AA fellows. We love ya. (And once again I specify not in a fruity way that would challenge your manhood lol).
Mark
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Can you see things changing???? Believe it or not...your right where your suppose to be. As I read your post I see such great growth. Once you get thru this I know you will see it was all worth it. Keep up the growth, the work and thank you for posting with such honesty. I hope your pain eases soon!
Amen...The pains of drinking had to come before sobriety and emotional turmoil berfore serenity. How true...Keep growing my friend until you get out of that emotional rut and find some much needed peace along the seaside of "emotional serenity".
~God bless~
-- Edited by Mr_David on Sunday 8th of May 2011 01:54:00 AM
Bill, as messed up as you think you sound to yourself, you sound like you are healing to me! You have a serious ability to communicate and you seem to have a high level of compassion and empathy. Just keep doing what you are doing and ask the hard questions of yourself and strive for total honesty. You will forgive and be forgiven. By the way, Mikef is my new life coach of the month!
__________________
"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
Bill, thank you for sharing again with such honesty, candour, rawness & humility. I don't want to take any of your pain from you because it sounds like you're having a melt through rather than a meltdown.
How long do we live in life under layer upon layer of fear & self-justification to reach this point where genuine & true love, regret & compassion can bubble up the way it is for you now. How grateful can we be that we can have the ability to feel our feelings, be tender & have that in turn teach us deeper humanity.
It is a beautiful place where I see you right now. A gorgeous, loving, tender healing place. A life of pity, shame & remorse coming right up & out so that acceptance can sink deeper & deeper into our souls. I see courage to be real & feel where you are. I see you experiencing an intense & deeply personal Step 6 & 7 around all of this.
The steps keep on working long after we're sober & we keep doing the right things. Let yourself surrender into this with your Higher Power & share there also the depth of your feeling.
I went through this recently with a genuine confession of harms done to a past partner. I felt all the feelings I'd even felt back then but had swallowed & covered. Those feelings came all the way up as I trusted, took courage & shared them with my sponsor. After being witnessed I went alone deep inside myself where there's nowhere else to go, found my God & found an entirely new forgiveness for self & others.
No need to hide from your pain. It's a beautiful & loving place where you are. Remember your steps & how they heal, even in what seem like our darkest hours. So not alone, Bill. Never. I love you, Danielle x
__________________
Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
Bill, if you weren't feeling what you're feeling right now, given what you;'re going through, that would not be normal. The difference now is that you have this programme of which we are all part, which WILL get you through this, and us with you.
What awesome friends "the Yellow Card" applies here too...love that!
