Coming here because I always believe we MUST tell on ourselves.
I have for 7 weeks been a non-smoker, and recently just change that "I'm quitting" to a New I AM NOW A NON SMOKER.
Well I ran into a drawer that had an old pack and when I went to throw it out, I heard something, looked and alas, three cigarettes.... was annoyed cause I thought I had done a clean sweep of everything, ashtrays, washing curtains to get the smell out, and of course going thru all my pockets and drawer to make sure there were no more anywhere.
So what did I do, I said to myself, well now as a NON Smoker, what are you going to do, maybe I was bsing myself, cause I said, ok, lets experiment, smoked one, tasted like trash, then smoked the other two right away, I never smoked in that manner....so yes I relapsed, but I am not upset at all, some of you here have quit, and yes it was so hard getting thru that first 2 or 3 weeks but with that hellish radiation of massive doses, I figured, not smoking was almost nothing to this other treatment....
I would really like to hear back from others who have been there, done that, and tell me truthfully, I know I can count on that, you opinion, was I bsing myself.
That as three days ago, and everyday, since my radiation treatments are ALL over with, I have had no thoughts of getting more tobacco..... just happy and feel this inside new sense of HOPE, that in spite of my daily, nightly and sometime every waking moment asking for help to get thru these treatments.
My heath had been dwindling for about 1 a half years, losing weight, constantly having Blood Tests to see why I was starting to look so dissapated. Thin or almost skinny for me. and now I see that as all behind me, with a deep sense of humble gratitude, mixed with so much humility...Feels so good to wake up with a smile in my heart, then well after some coffee, a smile on my face to.
Just like our Bill, think I want to go or rather need to just get back to basics, find some sponsees, dont have a Sponsor right now, and have not for a long time.
Ok, thats all I got,
Toodles from you Non Smoking Recovering Alcoholic..
good for admitting it, I don't envy you, giving up 2 things. I am finding it hard enough to adjust my mindset around never drinking again let alone giving something else up, I've never smoked before but hear it's tough to give up, am sure you will get there. Gl!
No one can determine how we would react to every situation, only God could. One thing is sure; we must remain close to those individuals who can be our eyes, ears and a voice of reason when certain troubles overwhelm us.
You've been through a horrific ordeal and have made strides in becoming an advocate for not only cancer survivors but for those of us who still struggle with the "trials" and "tribulations" of life. Life's struggles can bring forth so many wonderful blessings and advocates -like you- have been a God-Sent to those who lost the faith and hope to carry on because of their afflictions. You can be their eyes and ears, dear, and their voice of reason especially when they need it the most. You can become that person who God can use to shine a light of tranquility in the dark valleys of their lives.
You shared your joys and sorrows with everyone while going through your ordeal and the importance of unity and fellowshipping through it all, and we thank you for that. As the pains of your past fades away, a new reason for living has emerged; one on which a meaningful life has been built. As The thought of the next drink fades from your psyche and the prospect of a better life always on the horizon, you should feel renewed every day with the joys of sobriety; giving back what has been graciously been given to us, as often as you can.
We know you'll remain close and we pray for your safety and well being; as we continue to Inspire each other and the newcomer to remain in the moment, sober minded and vigilant; dedicating our resources to help the still suffering alcoholic achieve sobriety, "One Day at a Time".
~God bless~
-- Edited by Mr_David on Wednesday 4th of May 2011 01:13:05 AM
The cigs are just going to wreck your health and not the fabric of your soul like alcohol. I would not feel bad at all if I was you with what you just went through! The great thing is that you know HOW to conquer cigs! Do you remember when Ron Burgandy thought he had lost his dog and his job and got hooked on milk? When the time came he KNEW what to do! So do you.
Tom
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
Hey toni - sometimes it's just not the right time to try to quit everything in one go. Yep, I'm back on the fags (as we call them over here - might mean summat diffrent over there, so I mean cigs).
the way i see it, I'll stop when I'm ready. I nearly made it but then it really did get too much with the personal problems and somethin' had to give, first my temper, then the fags. No further though. Been for a walk with a sponsee today and what I was virtually running up 3 weeks ago I needed to stop for my wind twice. I'll let things settle and then go back and have another go.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
Hey Toni! oh yeah my first obvious addiction,stealing moms pocketbook to have Duffy buy some "fags" from Fitzies corner store,would smoke till I got dizzy ,must have been 9-10 yrs old.By time I quit ,right around '84 when I surrendered to the illness I was burning almost 3 packs a day on top of "burning rope" morning ,noon and night " that I was dealing.To this day I am so sensiive to that smoke that it makes me sick(how many other did I blow out of the room)God's blessing to me to be able to unload that jones...Out to Sea ,cartons were $1.00.(65-70) Would deal them to boat people for booze in Europe, they loved American cigs..Relapse ,is gratefully not part of my story in that realm....Thanks for sharing, because thats what we have learned that frees us up from whats inside of us.We are works in progress,gambling,sexing,obsessions,compulsions is just what we do our daily work for to get better,day at a time.......We get entiirely ready,we humbly ask and we trust that Our Higher Power knows what needs to go.....more is alwyas revealed....God bless you Toni!
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Words can feel so inadequate, at times, like the present moment. Perhaps because of the vulnerability I feel right now, for when I used the word Beloved, it does not really express how straight from my heart, i do feel all the love and compassion for each and everyone. So all I Can so is ask God to tap you on the shoulder, and let you know, it was so deeply heart felt, I never cry, almost NEVER, and yet I sit here with big wells of tears in my eyes, wish we were all sitting or standing at a meeting so I could give each of you a loving warm hug, and a simply, and humble Thank you for all your deeply felt, caring words.
AA and the fellowship and this awesome MIP Board is truly a life saver.
I Pray for all those who have yet to met us, let them come and share a life of freedom, and feel alive again. This I Pray GOD will help us find them and hold on for dear life to them...
I've been exactly where you are at Toni. After discovering I had COPD I decided it was finally time to put em' down for myself. So I go to a lung specialist and basically am told that I was "misinformed", and I did NOT have COPD. Well, after having quit for 3 weeks, I promptly decided to celebrate with a pack of camels...nothing but the best for me. My addictive behavior took over that fast. I did however NOT beat the $h*t out of myself for doing it. In fact, I was grateful that it was only a pack of smokes. In the past it would have been a trip to the package store, but that didn't even occur to me (miracles are for real people)! Sadly, I'm still a smoker, but I feel like that part of my life is coming to an end. When the time is right, I know I have a HP that will be right there beside me the whole way.
Hang in there dear Toni...the best is yet to come!
Brian
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Nothing ever truly dies. The universe wastes nothing. Everything is simply, transformed. :confuse:
I didn't even want to open this thread...because nicotene relapse for me IS the relpase experience!! I am apalled by it, fearful and experienced with that process and how it takes me down with a smile and knowing laugh. There isn't (or wasn't cause I'm nicotene free right now) enough nicotene in the world to satisfy my addiction and hand in hand with it is my desire to drink and smoke. The last Klaatu experience is very close to myown however it isn't my clear thinking that gets me to stop but the fear of completing a slow death from it. I was born tuberculic (an alcoholic) and my father was a heavy smoker also. At the age of 13 my practice of drinking and smoking took flight (Camels was my cigarettes of choice; like my Dad who I knew very little about because he pass when I was 6 from tuberculosis)...he was also a drinker.
The relapse before the relapse before the relapse I stopped smoking cigarettes and went to cigars...I inhale every drag of each cigar and I take them down to lip burning stubs...nicotene slobber all over the place. There just isn't enough to play catchup on for all the ones I didn't smoke. I drank with that intensity also and when Tom mentioned it wouldn't ruin your soul maybe he doesn't smoke and probably hasn't gone to the extreems of getting tobacco as I have...from gutters to bathroom floors to garbage cans to ash trays in the cars of strangers to stealing and the like. When I was down on the floor with toxic shock from alcohol I didn't feel the self concern and hatred I felt from trying to fill my addiction to nicotene. LOL even having sex was a justification to smoke and at times I'd rather just smoke.
Smoking doesn't even come close to the anesthesia of alcohol in blocking out reality. So I went thru all of the addictive humiliation with smoking. "Sir we don't allow smoking in the store (right at the sign that said so)." "I understand give me the cigarettes and I'd out."
I didn't want to open this thread and needed to I realize to stay alert. Gotta watch what my head does with it now. "...practice these principles in All my affairs."
Just thought I would add something that made me laugh so hard. I was talking to a dear friend, sitting on my couch, and she asked me....do you thing that your little lung tumor that with GODs will I will be free from....anyway her question was
"do you believe that this was caused from smoking cigarettes, I started laughing, and could see she wass uncmfortable. she said her mother died of Panceatic Cancer that was also in her lungs, but that her Mom had smoked cigarettes for over 50 years. what do I know, nothing really, but according to the AMA, smoking is the leading cause that is carcinogenic to the Lungs..
So yes, to my mind I was personally resposible for this happening, but I dont know that, I am only going by what I have read.
I use the Patch, and can feel the nicotine pulsing thru sometimes. and if I have to buy these, after stopping and getting a strong compulsion, and it scares me about going and buying some, then instead I would go back on the Nicoderm, and stay on it forever, if need be, no matter what, expensive yes, but it will keep that friggen nicotine out of my lungs, with the blessings I have felt as it being a 95 percent cancer free chance.
It takes what it takes to fully wake us up in areas that were blinded by the pure insanity of my thinking, even when I knew it was insane to do so, I did it. Hope, and Pray to God, that part of my life is over now, and desire so much to keep this internal inner peace and a new and Powerful sense of hope for the future, something that had been missing in my little life.
I never worry about BS-ing myself---my addictive disorder, in all it's widely varied external expressions, does that for me, with enthusiasm. Drug nicotine is harder to kick than most other drugs, and is a gateway drug leading back to the others that we are abstinent from, for those of us who already have other addictions.It's only a matter of time--may take a very long time, may be right quick. But generally if we smoked and drank, eventually we will smoke and drink. If any one of my anti-health conditions is kickin' & screamin' to bust loose or slither out of remission, I do everything possible to drench myself in the pure essence of each step, in order, and pull out the big guns that I have learned to use as tools for relapse prevention. One of those tools is the "No, you may not beat yourself up or put yourself down" tool.
