Spinning off the "Conference Approved Literature" thread, I thought I'd start a new one.
Re: the "Akron Pamphlet" - I've heard that before but never knew where it came from. Interesting.
Today I fit that definition of an AA. But I did NOT fit that definition when I walked in the door, and I would have probably used it to disqualify myself at the time.
There are people who are attracted to an authoritarian structure and "rules", as well as the whole sponsor-sponsee heirarchy. My experience though is that most alcholics dislike authority and have spent their lives resisting it. A lot of these people will say they surrendered and did what they were told and got sober and got better. But I surrendered to my higher power, to the fellowship, and to the love and acceptance I saw in the rooms of AA, not to any boot camp mentality therein. That's why I think how we choose our sponsor and our home group is a God thing. When we are truly ready, those opportunities present themselves. I met my sponsor at my first meeting, asked him to sponsor me about a week later. He steered me to my home group, and although he has since passed on, the home group remains and just like my sponsor told me, it's the most important and consistent thing in my sobriety.
I remember dealing with the occasional jackboot over the years. Usually it was when I brought up a topic whining about something. Often the kicker was someone who didn't really know me at all. I found in myself the ability to not take it personally - especially when the person didn't know me. I could tell the difference between a knee-jerk reading of the boot camp rules vs. a genuine personal dressing down.
And the latter usually came from my sponsor. He once said I had no self confidence and I had been that way as long as he had known me. I was 5, 6 years sober at the time. He really didn't have any solid advice for me on how to deal with this problem. I got the feeling that it wasn't a problem for him, even when he was drinking. I felt like everybody was walking around with a shiny badge of self confidence, and when I inquired, the answer was always oh yeah, self confidence, it's great you need to get it! I didn't understand the mystery of how you get it, and in many cases I concluded the person was simply full of shit and had no more self-confidence than I had, they were just better actors. Probably true sometimes.
My self confidence didn't come about until I stopped pretending, and even more importantly stopped doing silly shit like affirmations and looking at myself in the mirror and saying "You are worth something. You are loved. You are a good person." when my brain is screaming "liar liar liar!!!" And if I didn't hate myself enough already, I hated liars even more. I just remember one day spewing all of this out and saying I hate lying to myself and I hate stupid affirmations, and something began to change. I didn't get self confidence by saying things to myself over and over. That came from - near as I can tell - working to make myself into a person that I could honestly look in the mirror and say, "you are a good person" without flinching, retching, or ducking a lightning bolt from God.
Today, I am even less of a follower of authority than I ever have been in my life. I choose to live within society's laws and protocols not because I agree with every one of them, but because it enables me to have a comfortable existence, get along with most people, and persue other things in life that are more important than going defiantly nose to nose with every authority figure that points a finger at me. Oh I still do it sometimes, but only when it either does me some direct benefit, or if it's just for fun. And there's nothing wrong with fun. I love to send emails or make phone calls about products, deceptive advertising, obnoxious advertising, etc. I know it's not going to change anything, it's just fun to do. If it's not fun I don't do it.
I read Wayne Dyer's books (speaking of non-CAL) long before I got sober, and I finally get it when he said that the notion of wanting to be like somebody else is laughable. I was often asked "Why can't you be more like so-and-so?", and even silently to myself wished I could be more like this or that person who, on the outside seemed so much more happy, successful, and content than what I felt on the inside. Now the idea of being anybody but myself is genuinely laughable, in addition to being physically impossible. And I'm almost too old for anybody to tell me I need to be more like Johnny Goody-Twoshoes, but when it happens it's a good laugh.
I love the way you can have a jumble of thoughts running around in your head and you can almost, but not quite, get them into a coherent stream where you could use them to help you understand where you are at.
Then you go to a meeting or log in here and somebody has shaped the thought in a way that makes perfect sense to you and gives you just what you need.
Thanks. I got more from that than I can ever put into words and it was exactly what I needed to see today. MIP.
Yes very eloquent, I enjoyed reading your post barisax.
I find it interesting the part where you comment that it is foolish to think you might want to be like someone else. I mean I agree with it on the one level and then I start to disagree with it on another ;)
I am believing more and more lately that there is no self, except as some concept in our heads, which is never a correct mapping of who we are as it is distorted by values, and perceptions and memories etc. So if that's the case I agree that we can never be anything other than what we are in our essence. Perhaps when we come close to touching that we are moving closer towards our higher power?
But on the other hand, at a more superficial level but a level that still has some practical merit, I do think we can aspire to have the same kind of qualities or behaviours as other people, not any one person, but we can... kind of, build a montage of all the best qualities we like in others and look to incorporate that into our own lives.
For example, I know people (very close relatives) that have been t-total for over 20 years because they were alcoholics at some point. I look to them with admiration and it encourages me to be likewise on my early attempts at getting clean of this horrible habbit of binge drinking. But also I admire people that are peaceful and loving and have good families, without being overly alpha male, or nasty - you know gentle people who are good decent people and live good lives. I want to be more like them (I know I am not alot of the time currently).
So I guess all i'm trying to say in my convoluted and divergent way is that I found your post very thought provoking and it's got me thinking about if I really should be trying to emulate these people I want to be more like, or If I should just try to spend more time finding out who I truly am as an individual!
-- Edited by windowview on Tuesday 3rd of May 2011 09:44:41 PM
So I guess all i'm trying to say in my convoluted and divergent way is that I found your post very thought provoking and it's got me thinking about if I really should be trying to emulate these people I want to be more like, or If I should just try to spend more time finding out who I truly am as an individual!
Something I was told in rehab (and I think it is from one of the Daily Reflections books) helps me understand that question, and that is to be the best orange you can be.
That is it is no point trying to be a great apple if you are an orange. All you can be is the best orange you can be. Be the best YOU. By all means admire qualities in others and aspire to them if they fit who you are, but the object is always to be the best YOU not a better or like version of THEM.
No doubt one of our wordsmiths can say it better than I but as long as you are being (or trying to be) the best you then things tend to work out just fine.
Authority figures - God i struggle with them. they don't even have to wear blue shirts and the same utility belt as each other. Authrouity figures include my Mum, my Sponsor, ex wife, anybody with more sober time, any body with more age time, any body in a uniform, any 'city hall', my boss at work, his boss and his boss.
and sometimes I just love to rub heads with them. Sometimes it's because it's the right thing to do, sometimes it's for fun but most times it's because I get angry.
I'm OK when it's the right thing to do - I'm ready for any consequences. I'm OK when it's fun to do - I'm ready for any consequences. But when I'm angry, oh boy, big mistake because the only person that gets hurt is me.
__________________
It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
Authority has always been a HUGE problem for me even before my drinking career, I have had so many jobs I can't even count them, I still don't know how to stop-I always feel like I am selling myself out if I give in to authority, even if it is in my best interest to do so.
It always seems that "they" are idiots and most of the time they are, there is so much unfairness that goes on in the workplace and in life, I have alot of trouble dealing with it and dont know how to fix it-I need to fix it-I need a steady job :(
@$$ kissinq never worked for me. I just never had the talent of the timinq for it. This was so much of a problem for me, in the workplace, that the only place for me to qo was self employment, which has worked wonderfully this last 22 years.
makes alot of sense now, very good point