I am new here, I am powerless over alcohol. I do not drink every day but when I do drink I binge drink and it completely changes me. This happens at least once a month. I become a nasty person, swearing and being very selfish. For the last 3 days I have been drunk every night and can't remember the end of the night. I have wasted all my salary it's a miracle I still even have a job. I am hurting those around me and live in fear. I feel so anxious about not knowing who I've offended in the pubs I have been into I wouldn't even recognise them in the street. I haven't even saved my fair to get to work. I have been like this for twelve years. I'm 30 now. I am going to read the site here and hope I will beat alcohol with this site as a tool to help me. I hate what I have become but I pray to God that I can be delivered from this.
Thank you for taking the time to read this, if you have any ideas about what I might do to help improve my chances of rebuilding my life I would love to hear them, thanks.
The good news is that you sound like myself and every other AA member did when we joined. Remember this, nobody comes into AA after just winning the lottery. We all had life kick us in the face and it hurt enough to ask for help. Where I come from, there are about 1400 meetings a week in the general area that I could get to. That tells me that there must be something to this program that works for so many people to be involved with it. It sounds like you have the gift of desperation! Once I realized that I was totally screwed and alcohol had it's grips on me, I was ready to ask for, and most importantly, accept the help that was offered to me. Not on my terms, because I kept trying to do it my way with no success, but on a sponsors terms. Which coincided with the terms his sponsor gave him. The terms are pretty simple... just follow some suggestions if you want to quit drinking. That's it. I just did what the guy suggested I do to get what he got! Every once and awhile I thought I'd go back to trying things my again and the results were the same. Not good. I actually checked into a 3 week in patient treatment center and was shown what AA actually was. Just a set of directions on how to get and stay sober. Not some weird cult religion that I thought it was. Anyway, the day I got out, I went to a meeting and asked for a sponsor and there someone was to help. That simple. We talked and he became my sponsor. It's been almost 5 years now. Looking back, I don't know if the treatment was necessary, but that's what I did so it's part of my story. There are more people out there willing to help you than you can imagine. I suggest you just take a little action and ask for the help in an AA meeting. Good luck and keep us posted.
Thanks service guy really appreciate you taking the time to write i'm going to follow the advice on this site and hopefully kick this life destroyer out of my life once and for all, many of my relatives are either t-total because of the destruction alcohol has caused them or current alcoholics so I know it's not going to be easy but I'm going to try and take one day at a time like this site suggests.
Im a binge/blackout drinker too. Thanks be to God and the life changing program of Alcoholics Anonymous I havent found it necessary to pick up a drink in over 6 yrs.
If I can do it, you can too !!
Begin by attending meetings, find a same sex sponsor, work the 12 steps, and then pass that on to another person. Its really very simple.
I can promise you 2 things ...
1. If you work the AA program the way it is designed and stay sober , your life will be very good. 2. If you continue drinking, your life will get worse ... guaranteed.
I have been in the program for one and half years. I have had months of sobriety and also relapses. Currently I am drinking small amounts daily. I am reaching out for help to my AA home group and my sponser. This is a simple program but that doesnt mean it is easy. After reading your post I see you have been given the gift of desperation. That gift can get you to attend an AA meeting and reach out to fellow AA members. People cant help you if you do not ask for help. The gift of desperation got me into the rooms of AA. I am extremely grateful for hitting my bottom at that time because God and AA saved my life. Now I am dealing with having the courage to reach out for help from my AA family and my sponser before my drinking gets worse. Asking for help is a matter of life and death. Your story about the people in your current life is the same as almost any AA member. Alcohol can take everything away from you including your friends and family. There is hope though. You can find a new family to love you until you love yourself in AA. I feel wierd writing this post because I am still stuggling but as you will learn it is about progress not perfection. Also you have nothing to lose by attending AA and I pray you find the humility, strength, and courage to do so. Allie
Step 1 begins with a full on surrender to alcohol. None of us are ever going to beat alcohol.
So..are you ready to surrender? Trying it alone and trying it with just willpower will not work. Similarly, praying alone wont work either or there would be no "religious" alcoholics. Try a meeting and take it from there.
So glad you had the courage to come here. Keep coming back. You do not have to drink ever again if you don't want to.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Thank you everyone for your kind words. I read some of the big book online yesterday and it's already helped me a bit. It doesn't help that I live in a house with alcohol as other people in the house i live in drink. I still had some alcohol left from last 2 days ago, I was very tempted to drink some today. I was so desperate last night when I prayed that I would be given some strength to stay away from alcohol, yet today the thought was crossing my mind to drink again mainly because i feel bad about my life and alcohol gives some temporary respite from it. But I remembered something I read in the big book last night about you have to believe that the first drink you take will lead to very bad things, it's not just one or two drink but the start of some nasty episode that I know in my heart is very likely true. That helped me to not drink today. Also even though i wanted to drink in my mind, the thought of it made me feel a bit queezy i think thats the higher power kicking in. I pray for courage to lead my life without fear and to accept my present situation. Even as I write this a big part of me still wants to drink to feel better but reading your words has helped thanks. Thanks mikef and mrdavid for the support as well.
I've had times in the past where I've said i'm going to stop drinking (alot of times) but I've never come to terms with the fact that I have a real problem. That I have this disease which means I can't drink socially or moderately and that worse than this when I drink excessively which I do almost all the time I drink I become a horrible person who risks hurting those I love and also causing myself mental pain. Sometimes I wish I was the same person when I was sober at least then i wouldn't care about it that's wrong though I know as then I would not be able to surrender to God and to move away from this. But that is the kind of warped thinking this disease encourages in me. Thanks again for your words.
Allie i don't think I can drink small amounts daily, for me I can go sometimes months without drink (from March to end of April I didn't drink once) but I know when I drink it's about 80% likely I'll get very drunk and probabally 60% likely I'll get so drunk I can't remember what I did. These numbes aren't exact but it's something like that I think. I would like to be able to have some drinks now to feel better but I believe the first step I read yesterday for me that says that that drink will lead to bad things. Not maybe but for me I know it will. It has done so many times before. I have a criminal record for being drunk before i never had any criminal record before but I did for being drunk. It almost cost me my job yet that was more than a year ago and even that doesn't seem to have taught me. But then that's the whole problem. The urge to drink to be so drunk is so strong that it overpowers your mind so you can't do the right thing. That's the problem I think I realise it.
Pinkchip thanks for reminding me I need to surrender and not think I can be stronger than alcohol life has taught me I can't so many times. Happycamper thanks, I know it's true what you said. My life will get worse if I drink again. I know this but I just pray for the power to act on this knowledge and not ignore it like I always have done. Thanks mikef and david for the support too.
-- Edited by windowview on Tuesday 3rd of May 2011 08:56:13 AM
Just a quick update to let everyone know I'm feeling quite a bit better now. Thank God for time it's a great healer. Only 24 hours after I was feeling so bad. I am back to work tomorrow so that will get me out and about again, just as well as I could do with just not going out for a bit to be honest but that's not how you get your courage back is it without alcohol.
I used to be very confident I will get that back. This site has been a big help. I'm going to work through the big book every night. I feel positive about my future because I finally realise that I am definately powerless over alcohol and that because of this the right thing to do is never drink again. I have never felt this so strongly as I do now so I'm hopeful this is the turning point in my life that is happening now while I still have some things left worth salvaging.
Good luck everyone involved in the fight to be be true to yourself and huge respect to you all that manage to do so in spite of the vicious snare that alcohol can be if it is let to get the better of us.
Tough day today. Consequnces from before I quit caught up with me today at work. I had just been given one new role at work which I wanted but when bosses found out I was awol for a day last week (I justified it more or less, as I'm not office based - but they are not idiots) and they discovered some past history of prolonged sick leave (medically related but in fact the truth of the matter is it was all caused by my drinking) they changed their mind and put me in another role. I don't think they can do it legally I mean I've been in new job and already started it etc. But... I'm not going to fight it. I'm a firm believer lately in what will happen will happen for a reason. I have a clear consience this is all as a result as what happened prior to me quitting here. I have been praying to God each day asking him to please just do with my life whatever he has destined for me. I did not ask for anything else (apart from staying off alcohol) than that, that he does with me what is his will. So I guess I can't complain when this happens.
It was a painful situation as it was quite a frank exchange and I went from being highly regarded to not very well regarded at all. I had mixed feelings of anger, frustration, and inadequecy on the way home. I really wanted to go and drink. I could just go and drink and in an hour I would feel great and I would be exuding confidence all over the place. But of course it would be false confidence and likely the start of another episode of me wrecking my life. I didn't God kept me straight. Now a few hours later my chemicals have stopped flooding my brain. I remember how idiotic wanting to drink again is to feel better, when the thing that has got you in the situation of feeling bad is a direct result of alcohol in the first place. Keep doing the same thing get the same result.
I guess this was my first test. I am now getting quite comfortable with the idea that what will be will be, and I will be content with the situation what ever it is as long as I have the basics to be able to provide for myself. I asked for God to do with me what he wants, my life changes, and then I feel bad about it. That doesn't quite ring true.
So just wanted to share this with you... this post seems to be developing into a blog of my sobriety, hope that's ok!
-- Edited by windowview on Friday 6th of May 2011 12:31:43 PM
Hello Windowview :) Im new to this site aswell, just joined today. I too was a binge drinker and I can relate to a lot of what you have said. Unless I have missed it I don't see that you are going to meetings, is there a reason for this? The thing about recovery is that its not just the physical recovery we need but the emotional recovery. We forget how to act without alcohol so we need to build up how to live in the 'real' world. AA and doing the steps with a sponsor will get us through this. I wish you well and remember, it can be done :)
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"I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free."
~ Michelangelo
Well put Karen. The biggest breakthrough came for me when I was told that "drinking is but a symptom of my disease." That shook me to the core, but opened the door for me to really start doing the real work. I know today that the problem is Brian, not alcohol. How do I know that? Well, I haven't had a drink for a while now, but if I let it happen, all the old thoughts, ideas, and behaviors start working their way back in. I realize today that the problems of life will always be there, but I don't need to add alcohol to make them worse. It's all thanks to the fellowship of AA that I can learn how to recover from the disease of "self" one day at a time.
Brian
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Nothing ever truly dies. The universe wastes nothing. Everything is simply, transformed. :confuse:
