I was just going to leave this as a profile update, but feel the need to re post it here for feedback.
Update 1st May 2011. Life is hard, very hard, but I'm still sober. It's been over 5 years since I left the family home and the relationship with my (soon to be) ex wife took an upturn, then gradually slid downhill. It was last year, when my Mother in Law died that I realised that it wasn't going to get better than this and this wasn't any good. She would walk into my home as if she lived here, have a meal, sit and tell me about her shitty day, not have time to listen to mine and then leave, usually with a throwaway line around, we need to talk about this or James is doing this or Chrissie is doing that and leave me to sweat out over it. If she stayed for longer than a meal, we'd sit and not relate, no holding, no touching, no closeness, no intimacy. There was sex, but even that left a bad taste in my mouth. (poor choice of words, but you get my drift, it was like a reward for doing as I'm told)
By September last year I was resolved, this wasn't going anywhere but I couldn't work up the will to do the right thing. That took outside influence, some one show me some respect, some gratitude and some trust. Someone would walk down the street with me, head held high, instead of skulking around in the shadows. I thought I deserved more than I was getting from Eileen. I tried to divorce her in february, but allowed her to push my buttons, to manipulate me into one more try. This lasted until 14th March this year. When I finally had the courage to call a halt and stick to it.
I did engage in a relationship, too soon, too rushed, too fast. That relationship has had to end. I miss her and I miss the excitement. I'm starting to realise that I have more work to do on myself and will now look at working on my emotional sobriety. I thought I loved myself, but it's a bit thin, tainted by my upbringing in a seriously dysfunctional family, followed by a predominantly dysfunctional marriage, culminating in a final dysfunctional brief relationship.
So here I sit, alone once again. The ONLY things that have got me through the last few weeks has been the support of my brothers in fellowship (and a couple of sisters too), trying my damndest to keep a little bit of programme going, trying my damndest to keep step 11 going. A bit of service, lot's of meetings and a willingness to listen to those that have experience. I've made mistakes and reverted to some distasteful old behaviour, ranting and raving and drunk on rage. Wallowing in grief, wallowing in self pity. Being way too hard on myself, having too great a willingness to take on the responsibility for others actions and happiness. Ignoring my needs. So far I exist on 4 to 5 hours sleep a day, a couple hours guitar practice and not even BB King needs to worry about my skills, I used to love to cook but am existing on convenience foods and sandwiches, my house is a tip, I'm off work and on meds for depression (Short term hopefully), tonight I realised I'm riddled with fears. Fear of being alone, fear of what the near future holds, fear of consequences, fear of not being liked and not being loved, fear of never waking up to another human being again, all because I'm mentally, emotionally and spiritually empty once more.
I'm beginning to question everything about me.Not what am I, but who am I. I need outside help for this and I'm ready to take it. I'll let you know how I get on.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
Bill, Welcome to year 5, I know we had a thread about this awhile back, but it was my experience, and I watched many others go through this, that at somewhere around when we hit this milestone the real changes begin to occur, in my "crew" we call this the "integration" or "individuation" part of the process...and it is painful because this is when the true growth begins happening, we finally begin to shed that skin that we call ourselves, all those little things we took for granted, that we didn't even think about now come boiling up and festering and it's time to throw them out. uncover, dicover, discard is the coin termed by Chuck C, all sobriety is, all AA is is uncover, discover, and discard
You know how in the preamble of how it works it talks about how many of us try to hold on to our old ideas and until we let go of them the results are nil? Well it's my experience we change our outsides, we work our steps, we change our playmates and our playgrounds and we have a LOT of growth, we really do, and after a year or two we smugly -know- in our hearts we have let our "old ideas" go....
We couldn't be more wrong...this is why the book speaks of "more will be revealed"...time takes time, I tried to rush it and start "stage B recovery" before I had even passed emotional teenagedom, we rush hither and yon, thinking we have this thing figured out, giving advice to others and giving lip service to humility and then this hits....
The long dark tea time of the soul is what author Douglas Adams called it in a tongue of cheek novel, but it;s real, when all the outside stuff in the world doesn't fix anything, not meetings, not relationships, not our motorcycles, convertibles or sailboats, not having a young hotty mistress...we are on our own on this one...and it was LONELY for me...
D.T. Suzuki was quoted as saying that before studying Zen, mountains are mountains. While studying Zen, things become confused. After studying Zen, mountains are mountains. This was one of the first Zen sayings I heard, and it continues to resound in me.
It went up and down for me over the years, hell it's still going on, uncover, discover, discard, but what it does is remove our old sick operating systems, I view them as emotional pustules that slowly bubble to the surface and I worry them until they burst, not the prettiest visualization, but there it is, when we carry around these deep emotional wounds we keep them buried, so buried we don't know we have them until something or somebody bumpa against them and we get angry, hurt, jealous...whatever, that is why the spiritual axiom is when we are upset there is something wrong with us, but over time they rise to the surface naturally but letting go of them is an incredibly painful process, although not nearly as painful as carrying them around, and in my experience the sense of relief that happens when we let go of these things is indescribable...it lets a giant weight off our shoulders of things we have been carrying all our lives...and never knew..
Welcome to integration, to individuation, or...to the taking of a giant spiritual shit, I'm here to tell you a good spiritual bowel movement is as satisfying as the temporal sort, so take the one seat and allow it to happen and enjoy the ride, because it's going to happen one way or another, you can be carried kicking and screaming and struggling by this wave, or you can learn to surf
I mean not to mix more then about 8 seperate metaphors or anything
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
Hey Bill, As Lin Baba said, welcome to year 5. There is a point where all the soul searching and adherence to honesty really takes control of your life. You would rather live with honesty than long running dishonesty. Please believe the proof that others have hit this point as well and have come through it fine. Try and step back and assure yourself this is normal and you do not need to fear it nor let it stress you out. I know those are words and you are living an actual life, but if it calms your fears, I can also attest to struggles at about the 5 year point due to changes that occurred within me. Honestly, on a "loneliness" topic, I can only tell you that when I became happy with myself and stopped trying to attract women, I met lots of women. It was strange because I was just myself, for good and bad, and I finally met the love of my life. I have never had to lie or deceive her, because of the honesty you are now fully appreciating. She never new me as a drunk, and when I did slip and drinklast year, it was just a matter of course to own up to her and bring my life back in. This too will pass! Are you turning this over to your HP? That was key for me. "Dear Lord, I am struggling with X,Y, and Z. Can you take these for tonight so I can get some sleep? I will pick this up tomorrow, but I need a break to rest up. Thanks, Tom" Anyway you are well on your way because you do a great job of seeking your path. You fight for input and really are honest with yourself. Prayers for you. Tom
-- Edited by turninggrey on Sunday 1st of May 2011 11:46:03 PM
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
Aloha Bill and I don't know if you're going thru the year 5isms or what however you did say something that I related to. The mention of who you are rather than what you are. For me the who I was was Higher education and I had to go back to elementary school after year five cause there was no way in hell I was going to find out "who" I was as I had pretty well run my life up till that time chasing obsessions, drinking being only one. I didn't know who I was because I had not been working any definite plan for me so I did what was convenient (you mentioned a bit of that) so that I could get by...just get by in life. When I got into the rooms one of the earliest realizations/facts was that I had got to the age 37 purely by luck and wasn't really interested in getting to 38. After five years and some college I started to acknowledge what I was and why that was so important to me accepting my life condition. Male was at the top of the list with all of the natural chemicals and personality and perspectives and history and social instructions that came with it. I worked the "what" list which included alcoholic...born and raised in the disease and it also included child of God and more. The "who" I was was a result of what I did with the "what" I was and while some of it shone what made me sick was what didn't. I needed to understand the basics...and inventoried the hell out of it with my sponsors. Going to college was a part of the what I was then...oppositional and definant and arrogant and self centered and superior. It was part of the correction and there I sat and listened and got educated and filled in on how I became who I became and when it was done I got back into the program cause the spiritual solutions to who I would become were in the rooms of recovery. I am still becoming the "who" I am and can identify and accept all of the parts of what I am and use them with better intention and consequences.
There isn't so much difference twix you and I or any other guy in this forum with maybe the exception of age. In face being alcoholic brings the distance closer than not. Our shared experiences don't seem different if the name was changed. I locked out all outside superfulous interference during the discovery period. I had to get to the basics and away from the delusional before I tackled the "who" am I which became a huge piece of surgery...without fear. Fear....False Evidence Appearing Real (the contrived illusions in my head trying to become reality while other contrived illusions scramble for first place) Fear is the absence of Love and the opposite is also true...for me as taught in recovery and a given name for Higher Power is Love. God does not exist when I am in fear. I choose not to be in fear. Live only in the moment and make plans for the future as to the consequences you want to have then. Recovery Rocket Science as given to me by my elder sponsor and then in reality he was the manager of a winery...go figure.
I am grateful that you share your journey with us...put "humble" (teachable) on the "what" list.
Don't feel depressed or devastated about your current circumstances thinking you have no options. Where there's a will there's a way. Getting out of that funk might take time, so give time, time. Keep the focus on yourself and recovery; not letting anyone or anything come between you and your primary purpose -staying sober one day at a time. Continue to fight the good fight, stay connected by way of AA and this forum and most of all -never give up. Keep us informed on your progress as we keep you in our prayers, wishing you the best -as always, one day at a time.
-- Edited by Mr_David on Monday 2nd of May 2011 01:49:15 AM
IN SUPPORT AND PRAYER BILL.kEEP MOVING FORWARD,A DAY AT A TIME. IN THE WORDS OF THAT FAMOUS PHILOSOPHER,JERRY GARCIA ,'WHAT A LONG STRANGE TRIP ITS BEEN!! Hang in brother!!!
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Hanq in the brother, it qets better. This is about clearinq away "wreckaqe of the past". It's never pretty but it feels qood once you're on the other side. Stay the course.
Thank you for sharing so rawly & candidly, Bill. My heart is with you & your responses have helped me too. We have similar time with me just over halfway through my 5th year. I like the term 'spiritual ****' Lin, as ever, you have a way with words lol but, I can relate. This thing called sobriety & life is getting ever more real & there are issues I can not any longer ignore. They are being revealed & I am being challenged to step up. I can say it deeply feels like an integration too where these steps in my life are reaching ever deeper stages of actually moving from my head & intention to my soul & being where it's getting more & more like I have no choice but to not only follow these guidances but to live them. I reached a point just last week where I felt so terrified, panic was setting in & my grip on sanity was disappearing. Bill, I went to the place where I practiced my step 11 since a year sober & fell to my knees. My will broke & I surrendered again. I had no idea how much I'd taken back (even with 'trying to work the steps' as much as I had been) I felt & realised the true import of my step three & I gave my will & my life, all of it, back to the care of God. Oh my God, Thank God! & it has helped in everything ever since. I am back in the care of my God, listening, paying attention & doing as I'm taught. I'm so grateful. Bill, is there somewhere you can go, someone you trust spiritually where you can go & feel a genuine experience of your surrender? It's very well to mean it but can you go somewhere to help you move into the reality of experiencing this? Never underestimate the power of your surrender. More will be revealed. Thank you for sharing with us. Your journallig your recovery here has been & is so beautiful. It will get better. Maybe even tomorrow, maybe sooner than you think. God love you, Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
Well that's it then. That's the end of a brief and beautiful relationship. Just had a text, the last relationship communication. It's just down to freinds in fellowship now. I'm gutted, I still held out hope but what have I learnt? That sometimes my HP has plans for me that I know nothing about. That I need to be careful what I pray for. That i can throw my heart out on the table without really thinking through the consequences. That emotionally I'm so very young and insecure. That i've ticked all 14 points on the laundry list. That although it hurts now, no-one ever really dies from an excess of emotion, self pity and OK a broken heart. That given time life changes from unremitting shit to ups and downs. That the ups and downs become less extreme and more liveable. That problems will come along and although I might intuitively know how to handle a situation the used to baffle me, I still get it wrong, becasue I'm no where near perfect. I know I have a dread fear of living alone and I still say I've done it for over 5 years. I hate it. I don't want to do it any more. But I know i have to learn to live with it. I know I have more work to do.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
Keep your claws dug into the wall board and hang on Bill...Do the gratitudes...always do the gratitudes. Was up watching latenight TV and glomed onto a foreign film 3 act titled Scenes from a Marriage (or close to that) Was done in Norway or Poland or for sure somewhere other than Hawaii and I got to compare it to my life today and danged if'n I didn't want to hunt down my HP and wrap myself around my HP's neck and just say Mahalo, Mahalo, Mahalo...I don't gotta live that way anymore. You're being directed toward a relationship with HP and yourself...Three's a crowd and that might be too many people hanging around for now. In support...
Bill, I'm wiped tired and I'm heading to the sack, but thanks for sharing this. You keep staying sober, through all this. You keep showing me the power of this programme by how hard you embrace it. Privilege to know you.
Regardless of your program, it is a major life change. You are going to have fears and walk through them. You already know what to do and are doing it. I am so sorry it has to be this way but there is great enlightenment and reward on the other side.
All that stuff about being alone forever is bunk. You are suffering depression and it will lift (praying it does so shortly).
You are a sensitive, nice guy, with a good job...a ton of women would want to go out with you...date you...whatever.... Like you said, it's about YOU being ready.
Fear sucks. Say no to fear! I also think that "year 5" stuff is alot of hooey too but I will let you guys know in another 2 years that it is true I'm sure. I'll be turning 40 around then so I'm sure it will be a good excuse for a meltdown.
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I hate hurting-really feel for you BikerBill--been through something emotionally similar w/different details--it parlayed into a serious depression-took over a year to claw my way back up to being level with the lowest spot in the ground. Hang tuff & "hug" HP--I have to (literally) sleep with a big ole stuffed bear just so I am not so vulnerable to dipping into the well of loneliness, which is poisoned and dangerous to emotional sobriety. Miss that man, and there just ain't nuthing to be done about it but contemplate the mountains in a state of zen-like fury!.
was told last night to allow myself to grieve. For the finality of the end of the marriage. For the loss of my children. Fors the loss of the rebound relationship. For the loss of some fair weather friends. For the loss of my innocence. Spent the day with a trusted brother in fellowship. Big old grizzly tough ex miner. Had a couple of hours talking and listening then we went fishing. Cried my eyes out but Tried to stuff it down. The old bugger just put his arm round me and told me to let em come. Told me I was just letting the tears come that I'd held back with booze. Never ever had that before. Was allus told big boys don't cry. Same in the meeting last night. All this scares me. The least little kindness and I'm off in tears again. my sister rang last night was on phone to me for over an hour. Spent most of it im tears. Even my mum said it's easier to be bereaved than where I am. (dad's been dead over 11 years). Can't get through my prayers without dissolving. Oh maybe this needs a new thread. There's so much to say.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
